Disclaimer: Characters are originally SM's.

A/N: Sorry for the delay in posting this…and thank you for waiting patiently. Without further ado here is the second last chapter to Tripod. I hope you will all enjoy it as much as a pain it has been for me to write it. This basically takes place in the hours before Jasper goes to surgery. It has everyone's POV. I hope it's not too jumbled up. Music played a big role in me being able to finally hash this up, so play some melancholic/slow music if you like. Check out my profile for link to these music/song:

Spiegel im Spiegel - I love this shit. ( Arvo Part)

I will love you - ( Fisher) - esp the J/A parts, but also Es/J.

Just as a guide:

Italicized text without heading is Jazz's POV – future/dreamscape, I leave it to the reader to decide.

Italicized text with heading is the stated character's inner monologue.

Summary: What the future may be for Jazz. In the meantime, everyone gets a chance to say goodbye. Because it's only proper.

Warning: May require some Kleenexes.


Chapter 29: What Dreams may Come

"Hey Jasper, come on hurry up man!" Emmett urged impatiently at me, but the twinkle in his eyes told me he was only teasing. I hurried as best as my wretched knees could carry me.

"Shit Emmett, you know I can't do these climbs anymore," I complained a little annoyingly. I had arthritis on my knees. Long term effects from the rounds of chemo I did 5 years ago. While I was glad that the chemo and the BMT did what they were supposed to do – stop the leukemia and keep me alive, they didn't come without any casualties. I had already been to one surgery on my shoulder for bone necrosis. The chemo had done some damage to my joints and bones and while it didn't happen to everyone, it happened to me. I supposed I should still count myself lucky that I didn't develop any long term liver or renal or cardio-pulmonary problems. I reckoned those were much worse scenarios than what I had to lump with.

"Sorry bro..I forgot about your knees…need help?" He asked as he walked back to me. I shook my head. I was 28. Arthritis or not, I was not ready to be carried like a total invalid.

"Maybe you should go ahead..I'll catch up.." I muttered leaning against the rail. Damn those useless lifts!

"Two more flights bro…we're almost there…" Emmett ushered me.

"Lemme carry you..I won't tell anyone, I promise!" He offered again. I looked up at the flight of stairs again and tried flexing my knee again. Shit. It was going to lock any second now.

"Okay..maybe that's not a bad idea..you sure though?" I asked. He looked at me as if I was kidding him. I fought the urge to snort at his smugness.

"Okay..come to papa.." He muttered, bending his knees slightly and clapping his back. I huffed.

"Damnit Emm.. if you're gonna say that.. I might just pass it up!" I retorted. He snickered and squatted a little lower so I could climb over his back.

We ended up on the fifth floor maternity center 3 minutes later. I was grateful to Emmett for saving me the excruciating last few climbs.

"You okay?" he asked briefly as I straightened myself. I nodded but I felt myself gasping for air again. I was probably on the verge of getting an anxiety attack.

"Breathe Jas..breathe." he suggested and rubbed my back briskly. A wide smile appeared on his face as we both realized what was coming.

"Whoo hoo!! You're gonna be a daddy!" He exclaimed excitedly then. His excitement was contagious and I couldn't help but grin, despite the anxiousness I was feeling.

"Let's go Colonel" I said again as we headed towards the fire proof exit door.

**********

Emmett POV

"Hey Jas, It's Emm – you missing me yet?"

I snickered at my lame ass joke as I pulled the chair closer to him. As I'd done religiously every day the last few weeks – I reached for his pale hand lying still on the bed, placed it in mine and squeezed.

He'd respond. He always did.

In all of my 24 years, I had never expected to see myself acting this way. All this "touchy, emotional" business – this wasn't me, it was more Jas and Edward's specialty. Not Emmett. It seemed odd to be hearing that train of thought in my head now – seeing as how border line obsessive I was with this hand holding routine nowadays.

30 seconds.

Some days – I even found myself pretty desperate for the contact. You'd think I was a staunch activist for the emotionally astute man movement or something. Or Rosalie Hale forbid, I'd turned gay all of a sudden.

The truth was, ever since I watched him seize that day, I'd never been able to quite rid myself of this tiny fear in my head that one morning or afternoon or evening; we'd find him stone cold, that he'd died right under our noses without anyone noticing something was amiss. I lost count how many times that morbid thought crossed my head since. I guess the compulsion to 'know' for myself that his skin was still warm and his heartbeat would still be pulsing beneath the thin skin of his wrist when I ran my fingers on it, was justified somewhat. I needed to be sure.

60 seconds.

He always responded with a twitch or a jerk of his fingers when I squeezed his hand like this. As if he sensed my unsaid fear and was assuring me that I needn't worry, because he was with us. He was listening. Even if it seemed he wasn't.

Jas? Come on buddy. Let me know you can hear me.

90 seconds.

I felt the frown form between my eyebrows even as I stared down at his still, unresponsive hand in my grip.

Come on Jas…

I wish I couldn't see the tremor in my hand. Or feel the palpable ache blooming behind my ribs. It bothered me how this ache seemed to hurt so much more than taking a punch in the face.

"I think Jasper will appreciate it very much if you could each spend some time with him, alone, this morning – before he goes into surgery later…"

That was dad. Ever the master of subtle messages. This morning he gathered everyone and told us not in so many words that we needed to go make our peace with Jas – give our last message, say goodbye, that sort of thing. And here I thought they only did that in television for added drama. I knew he meant well though and it was only proper. I could also agree that maybe Jas would appreciate the gesture like he said he would.

I just…. I never really expected to hear it.

Never really expected dad would find it in him to ask us to do it. It probably tore him apart just thinking of it. I didn't know why, maybe it was Jas's wish? Anyway, he did. And somehow that just made all this suffering… Jas's, ours – seem so final. The worse thing about it was that maybe the light at the end of the tunnel wasn't favoring any of us.

This couldn't be it. Could it?

No!

I shook the thought away instantly. Jasper would never give up on us. It wasn't his style to go halfway. The Jas I knew was a fighter. He wasn't just going to give up now. Not when he'd come this far.

I squeezed his hand again as the timer in my head started counting once more.

10 seconds

"Hey..you remember Jack ?"

Jack had been our one and only pet - a long time ago. He was an old stray Labrador mix that we found wandering on the school grounds one afternoon and decided to take home. Much to mom's horror. There was just something sad in the way it was looking at us that day that we couldn't turn our heads away and ignore it. The three of us knew there was something beautiful underneath all that dirt and grime that he was wearing when we first saw him - even though mom was very, very skeptical. As we suspected, he was very beautiful after we had spent the afternoon washing him. Even if he was a little old. But dad gave him one look in the evening and knew Jack was a sick dog and a visit to the vet confirmed it. He told us that Jack was old and dying and maybe keeping him was not such a good idea because we'd only get hurt if we got too attached. It was a little too late to say that though because even though it had only been a few days, we'd already grown attached to Jack. Especially Jas.

I could never forget the deal he brokered with dad.

40 seconds

"Gimme a month daddy…just a month," I remembered his face that evening – all wide eyed and sad and hopeful and excited at once. It was classic Jas – that look he had on – just a bubble of emotions. He offered, no insisted to take care of Jack and if he didn't improve, dad could then take him away. For a 9 year old, that was a huge responsibility. Jack ended up staying with us for 5 more months before the accident. The vet was surprised he lasted that long. In all honesty, I always believed that it had been my brother's grim determination that kept the mutt alive as long as he did.

2 minutes

"You kept that dog alive longer than we all thought he would live..remember that?" I recalled with fake enthusiasm.

"I need you to do that with yourself right now… can you do that for us?"

Jas..won't you just move your finger a little? Please..

I swallowed hard. All I could feel, what I didn't want to feel, was the ache inside that just kept getting bigger and bigger. And heavier – so fucking heavy it was pulling all of me down.

5 minutes

"Remember what you said a few weeks back? You told Edward and me everything was going to be alright. You said you'd be okay again. Remember?"

Just a twitch. All I ask…. Please.

I didn't know how long I continued to stare at his hand. Waiting for, wanting him to respond. He always responded before…. why was he so silent suddenly?

After a while, it got too blurry to see, so I just held on a little tighter. But the tighter I held, the longer time passed, the more painful the ache in my chest seemed to get. It was just so hard to breathe.

Don't you get it Emmett? He's not here anymore.

No.

You need to accept it. Jas can't hear you anymore.

Shut up!

It's the truth Emm. You need to say goodbye….

The flipping ache finally broke through my ribs and I felt as if I was dying myself. I couldn't even recognize the whimpering voice that escaped through my own lips.

"Jas..if you can hear me somehow… please...please don't stop fighting… please don't give up… I'm begging you…. Come back to us. Okay?"

"Okay?"

People keep saying that tears and crying was cathartic and always helped to ease the pain.

If that were true, WHY in the fuck was my chest hurting so much still?

**********

"Oh my God....she's beautiful.." Mom cooed as she rocked the tiny bundle of joy in her arms right now. Dad was watching with absolute adoration at the tiny little creature mom was holding. They were totally smitten by our tiny miracle, all ten fingers, ten toes, blue eyes, black hair, 6 ½ pounds of her.

"She takes after her mama," I chimed in proudly, leaning down to kiss my sunshine again. She was all smiles and tears. And still the most beautiful woman in the world.

"And her daddy..." Alice chirped in her two cents and leaned into my side as we watched mom continue to be entranced by the little bundle in her arms.

"Have you guys decided on a name yet?" She asked us, frowning a little. We had been keeping the name a secret from the rest of the family for 9 months.

"Isabel Rose," Alice and I answered at the same time. She was our angel, and it was only appropriate to name her after my two angels – Bella and Rosie.

"Isabel Rose..Ohh..it fits her, isn't it honey?" She exclaimed looking at dad who was still watching our daughter and making baby noises of his own. The smile on dad's face was contagious. I felt my own smile widen. Like mom, he seemed transfixed on Izzy.

"It is honey….now please can I have her?" He asked meekly. Alice pulled my hand lightly and jutted her chin slightly at the antics of Izzy's grandparents. Barely two hours old and she was already caught in a tug of war.

Mom looked hesitant at first to give her to dad, but finally relented. While Izzy was being attended by her grandpa, Mom approached us to give both Alice and I each a hug and a kiss. Her face was beaming.

"I'm so happy for you honey..both of you, you deserve this....now I can die happily," she sniffed as only a mother could. Alice was tempted to giggle at her drama again and I just rolled my eyes.

"Mom…you're barely 50 years old.." I moaned at her dramatics.

"I'm almost 55!" She sniffed.

"Yeah..that's what I said… 50.." I responded deadpan and hugged her again. She returned my hug fiercely, and I felt the tell tale tears on my shirt.

"When Izzy marries, you'll be there…standing tall and proud, like you'll be for the rest of your grandkids.." Alice rallied now just as dad decided to return Izzy back in to her arms.

"Oh Mom.. don't cry..it's a happy day.." I whispered to her. She only hugged me tighter before pulling away. I could tell what she was thinking just looking at her face. I knew she was recalling the 2 years of suffering we all went through because of my cancer.

"I'm sorry… I'm just…I'm just so happy for you sweetheart… "

"I know.... I've been blessed." I responded softly, feeling just a tad nostalgic at the memory again.

I pulled her to me as Alice looked at us meaningfully.

"I love you mom.."

**********

Esme POV

"Mommy?"

The first time he'd called me that had been about 3 weeks after we took him home. He'd been quite shy and reticent in the beginning even though he bonded with his brothers almost instantly. And then one afternoon after we had lunch, he just beamed at me and said it. I turned to butter, if that was at all possible.

"Yes sweetheart?" I said, in the calmest voice I could muster at the time. The last thing I wanted was to scare him because of my over excitement at being called mommy finally. I'd always considered it a gift to be called mom. And that afternoon, I was thrice blessed.

"Thank you." He said meekly and after a moment's hesitance, stepped forward and wrapped his tiny arms around my thighs. When I touched his head, I felt the initial hesitance melt and I knew then and there, he was finally feeling at home. When he pulled away, blue eyes sparkled at me like Christmas baubles, his cherub of a mouth breaking into a dazzling smile – perhaps at the realization that he'd called me something special; his cheeks turning peach as he blushed; and then I watched interestedly the way his ringlets bounced against his head gaily – like their owner, when he made a quick about turn and ran after his brothers to play some more.

My little sunshine.

Tears rolled down my face even as I made the painful observation of how stark the contrast seemed now, him lying as still as death in the bed in front of me. The bright eyes and warm smiles were all gone. Now…he was just a shade darker than the sheets underneath him. Pale. Lifeless. My little sun obliterated.

The moment we laid eyes on him that many years ago, I just knew in my heart our family would not be complete without him. Never mind the fact we were actually looking for a little girl to balance the 'testosterone' in the family. Of course, if I didn't know better, it would've been very easy to mistake him for a girl. He'd always been a beautiful child.

My beautiful, precocious, sensitive and affectionate boy.

How could I forget the first night that he came knocking at our door wanting to be comforted from the dream monsters? Once he got comfortable with the idea of having Carlisle and me as his parents, he was unbelievably affectionate and warm towards us. Having had Edward and Emmett a few years prior, we thought we'd seen it all and was well prepared for the new addition. What we didn't expect was the amount of giving coming from him. Usually it was the parents' job to shower affection and make the child feel loved and belonged. It was normal to expect that from kids – any good parenting book would tell you honestly that that a child demanded lots of attention and affection from his or her parents. Edward and Emmett were like that. We were surprised with Jasper. Those first few years, he made me, he made me feel like I was the most precious thing he'd found and he would always, always make a point of saying it to me. And I had always thought it should've have been the reverse. It could have been the fact that he'd experienced loss so early in life that subconsciously, he'd learned to value people he loved earlier on. I recalled his little admission in my last birthday – that I would always be their first love.

He had always made me feel special.

First day at kindergarten had been both an exciting and sad affair for him. Exciting because he was joining Emmett finally and sad because he was leaving Edward alone at home. As mothers generally did on first days, I couldn't help but let out a few tears of joy on the day. When he noticed me sniffling my tears away, the poor child thought I was crying because he was leaving me alone at home like his brother. I was just about to hand him to his class teacher then – Mrs. Haley when he started tugging at my skirt, a sign that he wanted me to come down to his height. When I did, he almost choked me with a fierce hug and then made a loud declaration that made me laugh and swell with motherly pride.

"Don't worry mommy, I Love You. I'm not going to leave you. You're the best mommy, ever! You'll see me later with Emmie. Okay?"

I mean, which mother wouldn't melt when their son made a declaration of love like that? On his first day of school no less? I could have sworn I saw at least a handful of moms looking at me enviously for having such a charmer of a kid.

I leaned closer to my little sunshine, wanting nothing more but to see those sparkling baubles again, looking at me in adoration and love as he'd done all these years. But they were shut to the world, shut to me. It hurt. God it hurt.

"Having you and your brothers call me mom… is the best blessing I could have ever asked for in my life Jasper. The three of you always tell me how lucky you all are to have me. Well, I could say the same of all of you. I haven't told you nearly enough just how blessed and lucky I am to have been given the chance to be your mom sweetheart. I am so…lucky."

I was. Especially since his real mother had been deprived of that. I couldn't imagine what Rosalie's mother would feel when she finds out about Jasper eventually. I couldn't deny the fact that I felt a little hurt and jealous when I found out that he was indeed Benjamin as Rosalie suspected. I had worried that he would stop calling me mom now that he knew for sure he had a real one. And I admit it hurt to think he was going to give someone else that term of endearment that had been mine and mine alone for 18 years. Even if she was his biological mom, I raised him. I gave him all the love a mother could give. He was mine too.

He was my son too.

I would always be his mom.

"Mom…I just want you to know that this doesn't change a thing. I'm not going to leave you. You're the best mommy ever. Ever!" He smirked before pulling me flush to his chest and kissing my temple.

"I mean it. And I love you very much. You'll always be mom to me. Okay? So quit worrying unnecessarily.. You don't want to age faster than you should do you?"

He'd always been so attuned to other people's feelings even though I tried hiding my insecurities and jealousy for his real mom from him. I was torn between wanting to deck him for teasing me with the line he used so many years ago and hugging him to tears for being so considerate of my feelings and needs.

My fingers had been ghosting over his arm absently for a while before I realized what I was doing. I loved it that he treasured this as a favorite thing. I remembered the first time that it happened. It was the first night we found him outside our door late at night, woken up by a nightmare or something. He was afraid to sleep by himself so Carlisle pulled him to our bed and wedged him and his teddy bear between us. I could sense he was trying to sleep, burying his face underneath that soft toy gifted by his brothers when he first arrived but his tiny body was tense and anxious, curled up next to me. The moment I laid my hand on his arm and started lightly scratching his skin with the tips of my fingers, he relaxed and promptly fell to sleep. The third time, he made Carlisle join the club. It was one of the sweetest moments I could remember of just the three of us.

Would I ever have the chance to comfort him like this again after today?

The thought rent me apart. I was breaking all over again even before I could put a hold to it.

Would I see those blue baubles again – sparkling at me with mischief and adoration? What of the warm dazzling smile on his face that always seem to light up a room? Would I get to hear his voice again? Telling me he loved me very much?

Will I get to hear my baby call me mom again?

Oh my heart!

"I haven't had enough of the pleasure of being your mom Jasper. 18 years is far too short. Too short. I haven't had enough of loving you and taking care of you. I don't want to lose you, sweetheart. I don't want to lose you. Please don't leave me like Alex.... I love you sweetheart, please don't leave me..."

**********

My brothers and their wives made their appearance finally.

"We're here to meet the new parents!" Bells and Rosie called out in unison as they strolled in before their husbands. We traded hugs as per usual before they each had a look see of little Izzy who was still resting in Alice's arms. Just as Emmett looked down at her – I supposed Izzy wanted to make her own introduction to her uncles and aunts, she let out a loud wail that made everyone burst into chuckles.

"Whooo…she is one screamer!" her big bear of an uncle exclaimed, sliding an arm around Rosie's waist.

He wasn't implying anything but my head snapped to my wife instantly and it took a gargantuan effort on my side to not burst out laughing at his statement.

Babe..which of us do you think she's taken after??? I asked her silently, giving her a knowing look. She shook her head and guffawed silently, and as if it was the most natural thing in the world – well it was, but not to my brothers and I obviously; she bared her right breast and gave a nipple to Izzy's mouth to suck on.

I could only stare. And judging from the loud groan coming from Bella and Rosie, my guess was my brothers were doing the same.

"Close your mouth!"

"Stop staring!"

"It's a breast for heaven sake!"

Rosie, Bella and mom all made comments at our apparent lost of mental cognition at seeing Alice's full breast. It took me a full minute or so before I regained my senses enough to see Alice shaking in bed laughing at me and my brothers.

"So guys….is she going to be called JA Cullen the 1st or have you guys actually agreed on a name this time?" Edward started, chuckling at us.

"Yeah Jazz, Alice.….you've had 9 months and 3 baby books to find one good name for her…" Rosie added looking at us a little perplexedly.

Unbeknown to them, we had been throwing them off the loop regarding the name for some time because we wanted it to be a surprise. Alice and I looked at each other briefly before she gestured for me to tell them.

I cleared my throat and beaming, said, "Actually we have a name, we've had it for some time – it's Isabel Rose."

"In honor of both of you – for what you mean to us, and Jazz especially…if that's okay with you two?" Alice said now. The look on both Bella and Rosie's faces told us we made the right decision.

"Damn you two...now I'm going to cry.." Rosie sniffed. She was hormonal, if the visible bump on her stomach was any indication. It was baby number three for Emmett and her. The twins who were probably back at home with Grandma Hale were now three years old. She made her way to Alice and then to me. Her face was glowing with happiness – for me.

"Oh Jazz.. I'm so happy for you. She's beautiful..ahh..and the name.. you really didn't have to..but I'm honored. I really am.."

"I love you too Rosie…" I said to her, pulling her into a hug.

She moaned at me for making her get all teary eyed again. I laughed.

**********

Rosalie POV

My last memory of Benji was our time together in the sandbox right before he was stolen from me for 20 odd years.

I just found him and my memory back. I wasn't ready to lose him again.

Even though we agreed on putting the bigger issue on hold until he got better, the last few months had seen our relationship grow from strength to strength, bit by bit. I relished in the fact that I was a big sister again, that after this role had been cruelly taken away from me, I'd found it back. In the most unexpected way and places for that matter.

I'm just beginning to fill out this role. And now I'm running out of time. Again.

Finding those pictures, and the flashes of memories coming back to me little by little, I had no doubt that I had adored Benji when he was born and had adored him when he was still my tiny toddler of a brother. Who could have not? He was the most adorable baby I'd ever seen – a real life cupid complete with golden curls, huge blue eyes, chubby cheeks and legs and the most cherubic smile. The thought of a tiny blonde girl watching over her even tinier blonde baby brother adoringly sent a nostalgic smile to my face. It felt familiar, that thought.

How could they expect me to say goodbye?

What could I possibly say to him in an hour that would, could make up for all those years of missing conversations and moments with him? I was still getting to know him again and him me. I was still trying to piece back my forgotten past. How could I say anything worthwhile when I was still trying to put the pieces of puzzle that was our relationship, back together?

How could I say goodbye when we were just beginning at hello not too long ago?

It wasn't fair.

As I sat there watching and contemplating my thoughts, my goodbye, I felt a sudden urge to just hold him. Ignoring all sense and decorum, I climbed over and curled next to my brother, draping my arm protectively over his chest. The most intimate we've been was a hug but somehow this felt right. Almost instantly a memory darted to the fore of my mind. I felt a smile curl on my lips – my action had triggered a memory recall. No wonder it felt right – I'd spent many days napping with my brother next to me when we were small. But just as sudden as the memory had appeared, I was blinking back tears almost instantly.

"Benji…" I whispered his birth name pleadingly, my eyes blurring further as I looked at his face.

"Please don't leave me again… I just found you. I just found you back…"

The gravity of the words were so cutting to my own ears and heart that I was suddenly gushing like storm water out of a flooded drain.

Ignoring the burst of tears and audible sobs leaking through my lips, I curled my fingers around his far shoulder and pulled myself closer to him, welcoming the buzz that still existed between us. A calmness washed over me somehow and it felt as though we were back to the day in the sandbox, just brother and sister playing happily together.

The warm memory was fleeting though; because soon enough the heavy feeling was swallowing me all over again. Even as reality clawed its way back into my consciousness, I latched onto him tighter. It was a futile effort, I knew – trying to hold on to him like this, but besides pleading, what more could I do?

"Please don't give up Benji, please..."

**********

Bella came over to hug me next. After all these years, even after our subsequent marriages and becoming family, she was still Bellarina in my eyes.

"I'm so honored Jazz..it's the best gift ever !" she exclaimed dramatically, eyes sparkling as she looked at both of us.

**********

Bella POV

"Hey Jazz..it's me Bellarina."

I ran my fingers along the side of his face and fought the urge to cry at the sight. My best friend's light was almost gone.

"See? You are a natural Bellarina…" He smirked, winking at me playfully just before he sidled up tightly behind me, hands on my hips, guiding my movement to the beat. I blushed.

"You're just saying that Jazz...I'm such a klutz.." I slurred a little, even as I tried to move to his sway. He clucked and rested his face against my temple.

"The liquid courage might have helped loosen you up a bit, but Bellarina… you're beautiful when you dance.. trust me.." There was no sarcasm or malice of any sort in his voice. He was just being honest. And I trusted him.

First time he called me that was 2 months after we met, well after I crashed into him and splattered my yogurt drink all over his shirt. The incident might have been embarrassing but I found a friend that day. Neither knew just to what extent our friendship would bloom into yet, although years later, I would find myself feeling grateful that we had crossed paths that day.

Emmett and a few of our mutual friends decided to go clubbing, and much to my horror, I agreed. At the time, Jazz and I were sort of trying to do the dating thing and while he was really hot and then some; and I wasn't the only one who saw this because my dorm mates were practically salivating over him when I introduced him to them; there was just something not fitting together in terms of us 'dating'. Of course, I didn't know much of his "issues" then and I didn't know that our feelings regarding 'us' were mutual. I actually thought there was something wrong with me. He found out about my stupid phobia of dancing when I opted to watch our bags while everyone else sashayed to the dance floor to grind hips and what not. He pestered and I ended up confessing my humiliation at age 10 – the time I realized I was born with two left foot and was told I gyrated like a spastic robot on the dance floor. He laughed at me and ordered shots for us. 2 Sambucas, 2 Jaegermeister and 1 Caipirinha later, he somehow managed get me to the floor without me tripping and proceeded to make a dancer out of me. Suffice to say, I felt so liberated that night, and couldn't care less if I did gyrate like a spastic robot to the music. Kind gentleman that he was raised to be, he told me that I was smooth and beautiful on the dance floor. Jasper helped me conquer quite a few of my phobias actually.

I laughed at the memory now and pulled his hand to my lips.

We ended up in his bed later that evening – somewhat naked. I admit he looked really fine in the buff. We got as far as second base but somewhere in the midst of tangled sheets and tongues and skin, he snorted accidentally and for some reason I just found it extremely hilarious – it may have well been because of the alcohol but anyway; I laughed; which made him laugh and then our moment was gone. Confessions followed soon after and we ended up talking each other to sleep instead – of life, books, people, silly things. I found my best friend that night and so did he. We never looked back.

"Jazz.. thank you for touching my life.. sometimes I try to imagine what my life would have been if I hadn't met you and we didn't end up becoming best friends. God.. It would have been so boring and gray. Undergrad was some of the best years of my life you know that? The shit you put me through… I mean.. I would have totally missed out on how de – stressing it is to rock my ass on the dance floor if it hadn't been for you. I wouldn't have jumped off a bridge and bungeed my heart out if you hadn't dragged me to one and dared me. I wouldn't have started on my book if you hadn't read the prologue and forced me to write more chapters. And I wouldn't have met Edward if you hadn't pulled an Emma on me."

He wasn't just my best friend. He was my soulmate – as corny as that sounded.

I wiped my face hastily.

"You know what Alice keeps telling me when I ask her to describe how you are to her? You're like sunshine. Warm. Comforting. You know how that feels? You just want to stay outside all day and never go back in. And.. I have to agree with her Jazz. You are. I mean you can be really moody sometimes but sweetie, when you smile, when you're happy –nothing can contain you, you know? And everyone around you feels it. You touch everybody Jazz. You touch everyone.."

If you go sweetie.. you're gonna leave a such a big hole in our lives. I'm so afraid of that….

"I love you Jazz. You know that right? I'm so scared of losing you. I'm so scared of facing the grief that will come...if ..if you leave us.. I don't know if any of us will have the strength to face that, honestly. I've always seen you as being a part of my future you know? And the idea of you not being there… I don't know.. I can't imagine it.. I don't want to."

I don't want you to leave. I want you at my wedding. At my child's christening. I want to see you and Alice married. I want you at our family gatherings years down the line. I want us to remain best friends until we're old and gray. I want you around forever.

"But as much as I am scared of losing you, sweetie… I don't know if I can stand watching you hurt endlessly like this anymore. Edward is so broken – it hurts to see the two people I love most hurting and I can't do anything about it. I don't want to see you hurt anymore Jazz. I can't stand watching you go through one illness after another like this.. it's not fair on you. Sometimes I feel as if you're struggling to hang on just for our sakes…"

I bit my trembling lip.

"Jazz.."

The thought of saying it was enough to make me cry again and I had to take a few breaths just to steady myself.

"If..if ..you..you can't..do it anymore, if it's too much for you to keep fighting on ...I just want you to know that I'm okay if you want to let go.."

My heart splintered into a thousand shards of broken parts.

"Bella, promise me you'll be there for my family…"

"And I'll keep my promise to you Jazz. I promise…you don't have to worry.."

I didn't care that the tears were coming in torrents now.

"I love you Jazz. Always. You'll always be my best friend, forever."

**********

"It comes with a responsibility though, we want both of you to be her godmothers and your ogres to be her godfathers, what say you two?" I asked them. Emmett and Edward grunted at the call name but when they came to congratulate me a moment later, they were only too happy to oblige.

"She's a beauty bro…has your eyes, congratulations man.." Emmett clapped my shoulder excitedly.

"Jas…..you're a daddy, I'm so chuffed for you dude...welcome to the club," Edward said to me happily as he engulfed me in a hug.

I shamelessly basked in the happiness that our miracle baby had brought to us.

After 5 rounds of intensive chemo, 1 round of radiation plus 2 years of ongoing medication, I pretty much gave up on the idea of having kids of my own. I never did give a donation to the bank. We thought of adoption. And then she gave me the best fucking birthday gift last year and told me I was going to be a daddy in 8 months time. I was so over the moon that I couldn't sleep for two nights. What happened? Miracle. You got that right. Izzy was a miracle, just like her daddy was.

**********

"Give Izzy to her grandpa," Dad said to us the moment we appeared on their doorstep 4 weeks after Alice was released from the hospital. It was Izzy's first weekend in Forks. And it seemed the entire Cullen brood was in Forks as well from the noise that was coming from the backyard.

"Hey mom," Alice and I both greeted her as she came to the front to meet us.

"How are you Alice?" She inquired.

"Great..except for the morning wakeup call…but Jazz and I are alternating," she replied with a wink at me.

"Well that's good to know…the rest of them are outside manning the fort…so pack the bags away and join us.. now where's my granddaughter??" She asked. We shifted our gaze at a retreating dad. "Carlisle…give her to me," she called after Dad, making Alice and myself chuckle instantly.

"I'd love to chat to you two but I need to go save my granddaughter first!" She winked, gave both of us a quick kiss before running after dad who had whisked Izzy away to the lounge by then. Alice and I shook our heads as we headed to our room to pack away our bags. At least we'd have some helping hands here during the long weekend.

**********

Carlisle POV

When it was my turn to sit with Jasper, I almost chickened out of it. What more could I possibly say or do that could rectify this? It was my fault that things turned out so badly for him. I wondered if he would be angry with me if he knew what I was thinking right now. If he knew I regretted my decision for him.

I failed you son. This suffering that you're going through.. it should've been mine to carry..

I pushed the chair away and sat on the edge of the bed instead, reaching over to his head to stroke the fine stubble of hair growing on his scalp again. I had shaved it off for him a few times already. I would shave it off for him again today. I barely opened my mouth before the first tears of regret started escaping. The knife that seemed to have been permanently staked in my heart twisted again as I took in his countenance. The two months of progress he'd achieved right after the transplant was but like a dream. All the weight, the color he'd gained was nowhere to be seen. He looked just like he did during the worst months.

The guilt hit me like a spreading film of icy frost. The sting was bitter cold and painful.

I put him here.

"Jas, you're going into surgery in a couple of hours…you had a seizure this morning. I know son…I'm sorry it happened again."

I'm sorry I couldn't protect you from getting hurt again son.

"They found a clot in your brain…it caused the seizure, and they need to remove it. I've asked your brothers' opinion about whether you should go for surgery or wait until you're in better shape. Your brothers told me that you would have wanted the surgery done. So I've given the go ahead for it."

I'm worried that you might be too weak for this.. but this isn't about my opinion anymore. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I can't say sorry enough Jasper.

"I know it's been… such a painful journey for you, son. I know you're hurting and in pain all the time. I know you're getting tired of all of this. I can't tell how sorry I am that you've had to suffer so much. You know, if I could, if I had the power – I would gladly carry it for you Jasper. It hurts your mom so much, everyone.. to see you like this. It hurts me so much knowing it's my error, my doctor pride that landed you here right now. I know you, you'd tell me off and say it was your decision, but if it hadn't been for my assurance and my advice, if I hadn't convinced you it was the best option, you wouldn't have taken it. When I said that it was Jasper, I…I only saw the cancer… I only thought of the disease. And your brother was right, I should have..." I lost my voice even as I felt my face break again. The guilt hitting me anew. I could barely mouth out the next few words to him, the ache so heavy in my chest, as if I was at the bottom of the sea itself and the weight of the ocean was pushing down on my entire being.

"I should have seen you Jasper. I should have seen my son first. You should have been my priority, not the disease."

Will you forgive me for hurting you?

"I'm so sorry son… I never wanted you to be hurt like this.. I never wanted this for you…"

I ran my fingers along his arm again, and the flash of memory brought a bittersweet smile to my face.

"When you first showed me how you like to be comforted to sleep, you were four. Do you remember? Quite the commanding little tyke you were. You practically made yourself home in our bed for months. When we finally succeeded in making you sleep in your own bed, I'll tell you this much. I had many restless nights afterwards. Both your mom and myself. We'd gotten so used to having you and your teddy wedged between us it was an adjustment to sleep again without you."

You've graced our lives Jasper. Your mom and mine. You were a tiny sun that brought much warmth into our family.

"I love you very much son. Very much. You, Emmett, Edward and your mom are everything to me. My entire world and happiness. I'm a better man because of each of you. I want you to know that I'm proud of you. Of how you've grown up, what you've made yourself into. I'm proud of how well you carry yourself. You've been through so much suffering in your young life, and yet it hasn't deterred you from living your life in hope and love. I'm humbled just watching you grow. In the last 8 months, you've taught your ol' man a thing or two about courage and strength. You are such a courageous boy. I am so proud of you…"

I leaned over and kissed his forehead reverently, shakily committing the sight of his face and the warmth of his fading soul into memory, even as I fought to keep my breaking heart together.

"I want you to hang in there okay? When you're in there…don't be afraid… dad and mom are right outside waiting for you. You're not alone in this Jasper... we're all here with you,"

"I love you son. Come back to us safely.."

Come back to us.

**********

We dropped the bags on the floor.

"Shall we go angel?" Alice called to me when she came out of the bathroom.

"In a minute or two.." I said huskily as I pulled her flushed to my body. She let out a tiny squeal.

"Mmm…….are you thinking what I'm thinking??" She raised a perfect eyebrow at me and cocked her head towards our old bed.

"Mmm……maybe just a bite?" I quirked an eyebrow back at her. She pulled me towards the bed immediately.

"You think they'd miss us?" She asked as we quickly shed our clothes again. I mulled the thought for 10 seconds.

"Nah…Izzy's there..she'll hold the fort.." I answered easily and went after her neck as she wrapped her legs around my waist easily.

I laughed a second later when a thought flashed in my mind.

"Penny for your thought major?" She asked, tilting her beautiful head at me.

"Our first night.." I chuckled.

Her tinkly laughter rang in the room again.

"…still the best fucking 2nd birthday present ever…" She exclaimed cheekily before grinding her hips into mine.

I groaned and flipped us over the bed instantly.

"Guys!!!! We know you're in there! Leave the monkey business for after dinner will ya??!" Edward's voice rang loud and clear from behind the closed door of our room

Emmett chortle could be heard right beside him.

"Cockblockers.." I grunted and buried my head in between my wife's beautiful hills. Her body shook as she laughed.

"Come on Jas!!! You're needed at the roasting station!" Edward called out again just before we heard a few loud raps against the door.

"Okay! Okay!" I yelled. I heard their laughter again as we hurried to get dressed.

"Jesus Jas…couldn't wait to get a moment free with Alice hey?" Edward chuckled when we finally appeared, with me still buttoning my shirt up.

"Izzy's kept us busy okay?" I replied almost huffily. They had been there themselves, they knew what it was like. Alice only laughed at my response.

"Hey sis! How you doing?" Edward greeted her and leaned down to give her a kiss and a hug.

"Apparently horny…" she replied, giggling as she hugged and kissed Edward. Edward gave me a smirk as they hugged.

"Hey Ali..wow..you looking good…" Emmett complimented as he gave her a once over before he bent down to give her a kiss and a hug.

"That's my wife you're ogling at you toad…" I commented on Emmett's appreciative glance. I did agree with him though; pregnancy had only improved on Alice's body. She looked more womanly now with her gentles curves. One hot mama in my view. The thought sent the 'Major' into overdrive again and I had to adjust myself quickly.

"Aww come on Jas…we were just teasing you.. but really Alice.. you do look good.." Emmett chirped again and she only laughed in response. Edward decked him lightly on the back of the head and shook his head.

"What'd I do?!" Emmett trilled blankly. We both gave him the 'look' that said 'sure we believe ya..'. This only made my wife laugh even louder.

"Come hot wifey... time to meet the rest of the clan.." I extended my hand to her and once it was clasped to mine, I pulled her flushed to my side and stole a loving kiss from the full lips.

"To be continued?" She asked me loudly and winked. Dramatic, loud groans could be heard from the two men walking ahead of us. I grinned smugly.

"Oh definitely baby…..definitely.." I wiggled my eyebrows at her suggestively. Her tinkly laugh rang loud and clear – it sounded like crisp morning breeze on a Christmas day again. Even to this day, she still made me feel special.

I was blessed. Much blessed.

**********

Alice POV

"Hello angel..it's me.."

I clambered to his bed, crawled under the blanket and curled next to him. As soon as my head fell on his shoulder, I felt the first teardrops slipping past my cheeks and wetting his shirt and the sheet beneath it.

I'm here baby...I'm here… I'm never going to leave you okay? Never.

I curled to his body even more, desperate to maintain the contact. I needed to feel his presence, smell his essence around me. I needed to commit this to memory. I had to.

I love you Jasper. I love you. I love you. I love you.

The tears rolled down faster. I clung to him tighter.

Please come back to me angel.

Come back to me.

I love you. Come back to me..

"Come back to me Jasper. I love you. Come back to me.."

I sobbed the words to his ear over and over again and clung onto his shoulder tightly. He was my lifeline. As clichéd as it sounded, there was no life without him. The dream in the plane showed me just what it would be like for me if he died. I would be nothing but a shell without him. Nothing. I felt myself gasping for air even as the memory of the dream and the feeling of emptiness that came with it assailed me once again. I shuddered against his shoulder as my tears turned into a torrential downpour.

Wherever you are angel, please hear me.. come back to me. Come back to me…I can't live without you Jasper. I can't..

**********

Edward's POV

They wheeled Jas into the OR 5 minutes ago. Dad had been the last one to speak to him before the nurses came in to prep him up. It was kind of morbid too see dad shaving Jas's head for the surgery. It looked like he was performing his last rites. I didn't know if I liked what I saw.

I had spoken to Jas before dad. And right before that, it had been Alice's turn. When I came for my turn, she was curled up in the bed with him, looking as if she was asleep. Only when I did approach the bed did I see the faint tremors in her frame, and I knew she was actually crying – in silence. Seeing her like that totally crushed me.

"Alice…"

Eyes opened but she didn't look up. Her gaze stayed at my brother. A few more seconds of silence passed between us before her shaky voice rang softly.

"Angel…I love you…Come back to me.."

I watched as she got up and knelt by Jas's shoulder and leaned over to cup his face with her hands. As much as I felt I was intruding a private moment between them, I couldn't tear myself away. So I kept my eyes glued to the scene in front of me – silently, as she laid the gentlest of kisses on his cheeks, his forehead, his eyes, his lips, murmuring something inaudible to my ears at every juncture. My insides ached for her when she hugged him once more before pulling herself away.

And then she froze.

"Edward….."

The brokenness of her voice tore me to pieces. I felt my own control wavering just hearing the utter despair laced in them.

"Yes?" I managed quietly. A sudden image of her looking like an empty shell – alive on the outside but dead inside; flashed in my head vividly. I almost staggered at the stark contrast of the image to the Alice we knew, I had come to know. I knew that if my brother died, we would lose her too. She had become as much a part of my family regardless of her relationship to my brother.

"I…I can't.. I don't think.. I can…" she cried softly. I felt my eyes water and swallowed the whimper trying to leave my throat. I went to her then and without a second's thought, scooped her up in my arms. She clung to me like a ragged doll and turned her face into my chest.

"He'll be alright Alice.. he'll be alright." I mustered a reply to her. My thinly held barricade slipped the moment I felt her muffled sobs dampening my shirt.

**********

"Jas.. it's Eddie…"

I pulled his hand and rested it against my forehead. In the last few hours, I had been wracking my brain trying to piece together a worthy message to give to him. I thought of my chat with Bella; I had dissected my feelings of this morning. I thought I had my speech prepared. But seeing Alice and having had to carry her away from him had thrown all that out of the window.

"You know… I had a hell of a speech prepared to give to you… I thought I did, but it's all out the window now.." I chuckled dryly and glanced at him.

Wrong move.

I swallowed the lump in my throat forcefully and pulled my eyes away. It was just too painful to look at his face now.

"You see.. I thought, I thought I was prepared to let you go Jas. I know.. I sound like a traitor don't I? I'm sorry bro..I didn't mean to let you down.. I just.. You've just been suffering so much the last few weeks, I didn't think I could stand watching you suffer through anymore shit ....you know?" I trailed off.

I blinked and quietly observed as translucent spots started dotting the white sheet directly beneath my face. I felt my fingers curled around his unresponsive hand even more. I steeled myself and turned to catch his face again.

"But..uh… I change my mind.. You gotta pull through this okay Jas? You have to pull through this…"

Alice needs you.

"Alice needs you. She's lost without you, you know. I've never seen her so empty like this. You have to come back to us. You..just have to.."

And what if the outcome is bad? What if there are damages?

"Whatever the outcome is after this surgery, we're going to be here for you. We'll get through it together. Okay? We'll get through this with you, every step of the way. I promise you. Just.. Just come back to us."

"I love you Jas. Do you hear me? I love you. Hang in there okay?"

**********

I set the timer on my watch to 5 hours and tried to make myself comfortable on the chair I was sitting on. I felt Emmett take the seat next to me and we silently watched the girls take the couch on the left. Mom and dad had taken refuge in the settee by the window at the far end of the room – and I was relieved to see dad was taking care of mom. She was lying on his lap. I looked at the girls again and was glad to see Alice ensconced between Bella and Rosalie. I still hadn't been able to wash away the image of her looking like an empty shell from my mind.

"I guess we wait now.." Emmett muttered and leaned back, a tired sigh escaping his lips.

"Yeah..we wait and pray.." I responded and settled myself.

I had never been a man of faith and God much, but it seemed like the right time to start.

**********

JPOV

"I let go. Lost in oblivion. Dark and silent and complete. I found freedom. Losing all hope was freedom."

I was a collector of many odd things. And maybe it was the writer in me, but what stamps were to some people, quotes were to me. And this one here was one of my favorite quote from a movie that just happened to be another favorite. Fight Club. Yeah, I loved the fight scene – it was pure testosterone as Emmett said. But it was a lesson in philosophy as well. The script was brilliant and well, what can I say – the scriptwriter knew what he or she or they were talking about when they hashed out that line about losing and freedom.

For 8 months, I'd been clinging on to hope. At least I thought it was hope. I thought I was fighting for my freedom. I knew now I was wrong.

I found freedom in the most unexpected way. I let go.

And suddenly I was whole again.

I laughed at the sight of myself, all dressed in white – linen of all things! I couldn't help but feel I was channeling Andy Garcia suddenly. I probably look awfully silly but I couldn't deny it – they felt amazingly comfortable. I was shocked when I felt something tickle against my face – hair! I had hair again! And it was all curly and long – I couldn't remember when last I had hair this long. It seemed ages ago. Well fuck me. I got my hair back.

I looked around me, and realized I was on a white sandy beach that stretched miles and miles, with nothing around me but palm trees and green foliage on one side and sea the color of my eyes that also went for miles on the other side. I had always dreamed of a warm seaside holiday. Perhaps my dream came true finally.

I savored the gentle breeze blowing at my face. I could smell the saltiness and warmth in the air. Beneath me, the grainy, warm sand felt deliciously lovely against my bare feet, just as lovely as the breeze slapping on my skin.

Laughter. Like the sounds of bells tinkling. But.... sweeter.

I walked along the beach and simply enjoyed my surroundings. It seemed to me that I was walking for miles. Strange that I did not feel tired as I usually did. When I had had enough of walking I decided to sit down on the sand for a bit. It was then that I was able to take a quick stock of myself. I felt hale again. I felt every bit like the 22 year old Jasper earlier at the beginning of the year. I got my hair back. What did that mean then? Was I healed? Or was I dreaming yet again? Funny I never had dreams like this – good dreams I mean. My dreams were usually the morbid, dark kinds.

If this was a dream then it was a good one and I wouldn't mind staying here. I honestly wouldn't mind staying here for a while.

I felt no trace of fatigue or pain anywhere in me. After months of seeing my skin gray and pasty, seeing the color on my skin seemed so… exciting suddenly. I felt the urge to laugh and I did.

Ahh! It was great to be healthy again. The warm breeze hit my face once more and I leaned into it welcomingly.

I didn't realize just how much I have missed feeling this freedom. Just being. No concerns. No worries. I missed it.

It occurred to me then, I could get used to this.

Bells tinkling in the air – Christmas? No....laughter. Someone laughing.

I still remember the pain. The merest thought of it brought the bitter taste of bile to my mouth and I cringed at the memory of it. And how could I forget the suffering. The constant battle. The baggage that came with the disease. My wasting body from all the treatments.

I was tired of being in pain all the time. Tired of fighting against the fatigue, the effects of the medication. I was tired of fighting the emotional demons. I was tired of all of that.

I could really get used to this.

I laid down on the sand and breathed in the sweet salty air even as the sun warmed my face. Caught in a moment of pure childishness, I flicked my tongue out and tasted the air. Even the air here tasted divine.

Oh yeah... I could definitely get used to this feeling.

It felt wonderful to be this whole again.

I thought of Maggie, of what she said about her being in a better place now.

Maybe…

Maybe it was my turn. Maybe it was time for me to move on to better things, to a better place.

**********

And there was that laughter again. Who was it?


A/N: How was it? I hope it wasn't all over the place. Please let me know what you guys think.