Save yourself a penny for the ferryman

With the boy still attached to me, I calculated the possibilities before Killua could do anything else. His motivations are nowhere near as complicated as with either Chrollo or Hisoka, so I was able to take over before he'd take full control. If I threaten to become more intimate, he knows there's the possibility that it backfires on me, and he will only continue.

I can't threaten him to be sent to solitary, because he would just keep trying to provoke every time he's let out, and Zeno won't allow that much space between me and Killua either way.

I can't threaten with the danger of Chrollo, because Killua already knows of this, but still voluntarily started this.

I can't ask others for help, because everyone supports this contact in one way or the other.

As long as I'm on Chrollo's side, I stand alone.

Although it is my least favorite option, right now it's the only one with a chance of success. Either way, Hisoka will most certainly keep this footage to himself, there's no need to worry about that.

Now I only need to take it to a level where Killua will be discouraged.

I was given a short break in the kiss.

'You want to do this in the hopes of gaining control over me?'

'Nah, just felt like doing it.' His mouth uttered those words, but his eyes were saying something different. He was starting to become too successful in regressing himself to that time, so luckily this was not going to take a whole lot of effort. It's most probably soft kisses, isn't it. I can't imagine it went further than that.

He let go of his own volition, but it was clear that he wasn't in the least discouraged to try again in the future at this point. So when his hand had slipped from my hair, I turned main surveillance off, and walked around to the door to lock it. He turned around when he heard the clicking sound.

'I am in no way going to trigger, so feel free to do whatever you want if you need it as proof that you're not going to succeed.' When turning back to him, I already took my jacket and tie off, throwing them on the couch, and I reached up to untie my hair completely. He's played an obvious game, but a well thought out one. 'What do you want me to do?' Since today I'd pinned my hair up, it took a couple seconds longer to let it fall loose completely. 'Or do you want me to take the lead again?' At first, Killua's reaction was of one who didn't know what to do, but contrary to when we were at his house, that look changed.

'I just want to continue where we left off just now.' The freedom that's been given to him the last couple of weeks has made him more steady on his feet, it seems.

'Understood.' I took a couple of resolute steps his way, and lifted him up on the desk. I placed my hands on both sides of him, and I hovered my face close to his, letting him take the last step. He slowly let his uninjured hand slide along my neck up into my hair and moved it to the back. I inclined my head to the feeling, and all that was left in between us were our breaths; our eyes nearly closed. He was very obviously still in the same mood he'd just put himself in. If anything, during his time here, his acting has gone up several levels.

When his hand reached the back of my neck, he stopped a second, and let me lean in the last part of the way. He backed away though, but I didn't let him too far. I lifted one of my hands and stroked it from the side of his leg, up to his waist. His heart rate was increasing, he was hesitant. The reason he's able to do this, is because my persona from four years ago is completely different, but now that image is slowly being shattered because of what we're doing.

'Are you going to let me do this, or not?' I whispered in between us. It only took him a second to respond,

'Thank you.' His words came out even softer than mine, and it made me open my eyes a little more. 'I hadn't felt anything like the care you gave back then before. It made me continue trying to get us out.' Before he would say any more, I decided to close the gap myself, but those words hadn't sat well with me, and I didn't care to find out why at this point.

Against better judgment, I let our lips meet, and we made contact just as softly as a minute ago. This time though, I opted to take it further, and started carefully asking for permission to do so. I let my hand caress his waist through his shirt while massaging his lips, and I felt his heart rate increase immediately the moment he allowed my tongue to find his. He took a small, sudden inhale. This level of acting made me wonder how much was actually acted at this point, and how much of it was still part of his plan, because this seemed to be far above his level.

I lifted my other hand from the desk, and straightened my back some more. His hand slid down from my neck to my waist, and mine slid up to cup his face while slowly, but surely, letting his tongue find its way around mine. I was surprised when he un-tucked my shirt without asking, and made me doubt his acting even more. The last time we did this, it was because he'd needed to feel alive, and the first time was purely to frame me. At that time, Killua had resisted at all costs, the second time he'd just allowed everything; neither of those times resembled this.

When he started unbuttoning me, I accommodated and let the shirt slide off my body onto the floor. I think Hisoka's out of his boredom by now. I took a little distance, and at the moment I put one knee on the desk, Killua understood and slid back a little further, turning to use the full length of the piece of furniture. I hovered above him on my hands and knees, and let my hair fall all around us. What is all of this? He can't be recreating anything we've done back then anymore, this is going too far. He's just drawing me in purely with the sense of affection? He's going to trap me with that?

I closed my eyes a short second when I realized all of these musings were useless. I'd known this beforehand, I just hadn't counted on this amount of resistance from Killua.

I leant down on my elbow, and lowered my head next to his ear, letting my free hand find its way up his shirt. If I don't continue in this kindness, then he will never be discouraged. I let my fingertips glide up his abdomen, and felt the muscles contract a little under the cold feeling. Soft, small whimpers escaped together with his breath, right next to my ear. This wasn't anything like last times, he's putting himself open completely just to reach his goal.

His legs got a little restless after a while, and he turned his head to the side a little more to be able to kiss my ear. While he alternated in letting his small sounds reach me, and softly kissing the skin, I shifted weight so I'd be able to let both hands slide his shirt up, and played with his nipples. Once I'd reached those, a more prominent sound exited his throat, and he reached his hand up around my neck, to make sure I'd stay in one place, and would continue.

For a while I did, and when his legs got too restless, I let my hand find its way down to ghost over the wanting area. He was already getting excited? At that point though, he turned my head his way and gave me the same soft kiss he'd started with.

That was also the point where I stopped moving entirely. It hadn't mattered how far we would've gone, it had mattered that it had lasted more than five minutes. In those five minutes, Killua had surrendered himself to the feeling completely, and it was everything I couldn't handle. Noticing this with me, he just stopped, and let go of me. Even now there was nothing with him. Not the sense of victory, no malice, he was still the same. Linking the image of me now back to the past should elicit something from you. Had I been wrong in my assumptions?

Either way, I stood up from him, and picked up my shirt from the floor, putting it back on as calmly as possible. I simply tied my hair back for now, and unlocked the office, walking out and leaving Killua behind. I went for the nearest toilet, and locked it from the inside.

If just now hasn't stopped Killua, then I have a problem.

I hate to admit it, I need Chrollo's clear state of mind for now, but I can't consult him on this; I can't let Killua be killed. There's too many factors weighing against me, but he's the only ally I have at this point.

Am I trapped?

Unacceptable.


I turned to my side and curled up inside myself after Illumi had left. That had taken more out of me than I thought it would. I shivered a little, and stared at the door. That had gotten wa~y too close, I hope I don't have to do that again. I closed my eyes and took a couple of deep breaths to get myself un-excited again. You held on too goddamn long. Although, I hadn't really thought it would've worked either way, so that's a win. Thank you, Kurapika.

Still don't really understand how this is the first step to killing Chrollo though, but I'll find out eventually.

I pushed myself back up and swung my legs off the side of the desk. This thing is really sturdy, isn't it. I shook my head when I noticed I was distracting myself with unnecessary stuff. Before I get too preoccupied with this, I need to ask Machi to take on Kurapika's method of treatment for my wrist.

I carefully let myself off the piece of furniture to decent myself again, but I froze for a second when my feet met the ground. I don't know why at that moment specifically, but my knees gave out under the tension. A sense of vertigo hit me full force, and my breath become more ragged. I grabbed my head to make it stop spinning, but it wasn't working.

Fear, I'm feeling fear. I felt this intensity before, for just a split second, when I remembered something from four years ago. But this, this was lasting way too long. Is this really still just remembering? I don't want to… Let me go back to the feeling of care, not desperation, thank you very much…

But I couldn't switch on command. Apparently I didn't have the control over it that I thought I did. I hunched over some more, and bit my lip to make sure I wouldn't start screaming. I've made a huge mistake, I can't do this either…

I need to step out of this, I have to stand up and walk away, do as I told myself and distance the person back then from the one now, do it!

I shut my eyes tightly, and focused on getting my breathing back to normal. Take the distance. Take the—

My head shot up when I heard footsteps approaching and stop in front of the door. I collected myself again as quickly as I could, and stood back up before it was opened. As soon as it did, I recognized it was Hisoka, and never in a million years did I think I'd actually be glad it was that asshole. But seeing Chrollo at this point would actually kill me, so there's that. He didn't stop in the doorframe, he walked in and closed the door behind him. He wasn't wearing his usual smirk, so I very quickly stopped being glad it was him.

'Illumi's not here, he ran off somewhere.' He already knew that, he'd been watching. I casually pocketed my uninjured hand, but Hisoka didn't stop slowly walking towards me. What mood are you in? 'And I don't have the time for you, I need to go see Machi.' I said the words, but my legs didn't make a single step away from my spot. Next to Hisoka looking unpredictable, I was still in a slight state of fear and it was impeding my judgment. I looked up at him when he stopped a foot away from me. 'Seeing as you all want Chrollo dead, and apparently this is the first step, you're here to congratulate me?' His eyes widened a second when he heard that final conclusion exit my lips, and his lips finally turned up into that usual smirk,

'Did a little birdie whisper that to you, or did you come to that conclusion all by yourself?' I was actually glad when he spoke up, because he didn't sound any differently than he normally did. Still the same manipulative tone. He pocketed one of his hands as well, raising the other to his lips. He was really content with all of this, I'm safe for now. That break on his forearm healed way too fast, by the way.

'Why is Chrollo possessive?'

'It was definitely a cute little birdie.' He let out a low chuckle, 'Because answering that question would actually tell you everything you want to know.' Well, that made it obvious he was not going to answer it. I lazily narrowed my eyes at him, when I realized. 'But I didn't come here to thank you, nor to tell you that. I'm here to give you this.'

'What? Now I'm getting a present for getting it on with Illumi?' I raised my voice and uninjured hand, waiting to receive whatever he got out of his pocket.

'You could call it that, yes. I'll leave it up to you what you decide to do with it.' Even after giving it to me, his hand lingered on mine just long enough to make me uncomfortable again. After letting go of it, I looked down at a key, and he actually explained what it was for. You're in a real good mood, aren't you. 'I'll make sure surveillance is taken care of for tonight. You go and explore Chrollo's belongings in this place to your heart's content.' I blinked at the key a couple of times before raising it and responding as he turned to walk away.

'Is this some kind of prize? Have I won my boss battle, and I'm supposed to use this to get to the next level?'

'If you want to put it that way, then yes, that is a correct analogy. You won't be able to reset if you fail tonight though. Don't agitate the beast too much.' He lifted his hand in goodbye before casually sauntering out the door. Seems that Kurapika really had told me the truth about their motives, because Hisoka'd had the exact same attitude to knowing the reason behind Chrollo's possessiveness.

I turned the key around in my hand, examining it a little, but it wasn't anything special – nothing that physically indicated tracking. In the back of my mind I was still examining the possibility that Hisoka was setting me up, but it wouldn't make a whole lot of sense. He's been pushing Illumi on me from day one, and I've just gone for him on my own volition. Actually taking the risk myself to do something he wanted me to do, he wasn't setting me up.

I kept the possibility alive though. I'll see what important thing Chrollo's hiding then tonight.

I twirled the key in between my fingers a couple of times before pocketing it, and setting out for Machi. I need to be extra careful though. Even with a healthy body I'm no match for him, even less so the way I am now. Because I have this feeling that if Chrollo's truly threatened, he won't listen to Illumi anymore.


'You don't seem very happy tonight.'

'That's because I'm not.' In the end, Killua had been wise enough not to approach me anymore for training. I intend to stand by my word – I'm not training an enemy, no matter previous affiliations.

'Want me to take care of the inconvenience again, then?'

'You need to make sure I have a test subject tomorrow, that's all.'

'Understood.' I stepped out from under the shower, and got a towel handed to me. The only reason Chrollo had followed me to the institution's showers was to serve me like this, he hadn't even taken a shower himself. Right now about the only thing he's interested in seems to be pleasing me. However, considering Kurapika's words about his true face, it's a bad idea to bring up Killua. At this point, all that he will do if I mention my bad mood is because of him, is kill the boy. I won't agitate him to the point that he will ruin any of our future plans. 'He will be ready for you by nine tomorrow night.'

'Good to hear.' Never for a second while I dried myself and took care of my hair, did he take his eyes off me. By now he's following me around so much that I have to question if his patients are getting any attention anymore.

Ah, that's right, I still need to do a scan tomorrow. For a while it hadn't mattered if I would or not, but if Killua's acting up out of his own volition, then Hisoka will take advantage of this, and I need to know more about myself to be able to survive – I need to know if I'm suffering regular memory losses.

'Is it okay if I stay to witness you working then?' I turned back to him, still working through my hair,

'It's not. Your presence will influence the results, you're only allowed to observe over camera.'

'Too bad.' I kept my focus on him a little longer. Chrollo's not nearly convinced that I will stay affiliated with him at this point. His concerns are grounded. If this situation continues to be this inconvenient, or if I find out why all of this is being done to us and I agree with the results they're aiming for, I will switch sides without hesitation.

If he actually was convinced of my allegiance, he would leave me alone just as much as Machi. He's giving uncertainties more attention, seeing as he apparently visits Kurapika time and again as well.

Why are you so possessive though.

I've dealt with enough sociopaths, and none of what he's currently doing conforms to that – he's not playing around. A lot of factors weigh in for his nature, but possessiveness towards objects previously unknown to him is an anomaly. It could only be explained if the comfort zone he protects is, to him, possessing or having contact with a certain kind of person.

If that's the case though, then he's gone a long time without a comfort zone, or his previous possessions have all perished. Someone like him in the combustive state of being a sociopath without a comfort zone wouldn't have been able to keep his calm when approaching Kurapika though. On top of that, the image I have of him from before captivity denounces that he didn't have a comfort zone back then.

Why do I seem able to remember everything but the time with Killua?

'Anything I can do to help you through your current thought process?'

'Did you have previous possessions?'

'Do you ask because it doesn't fit with the rest of my personality that I search these people out?' I gave him a short nod before I decided to just braid my hair already, since I'll be going to bed in a minute. 'I have my reasons. It's not a necessity for me, but I do like to find persons like you.'

'Is what you do to your possessions the reason why you're off-limits to everyone else?' More than two months later, and he still responds badly to the question. 'Two months ago I didn't need to know, but if it's something that'll help keep everyone at bay, then you're going to tell me.'

'I'm sorry, but that's not going to happen.'

'It would destroy our cooperation?' He took a step closer when I offered the possibility. Even if collecting these possessions is just something he enjoys doing, he's more fiercely protective of it than he should be.

'Don't worry. I would kill both Zeno and Hisoka before it would get to a point where they force you to take their side.' I didn't move from my spot when he reached his hand out to my face. We never broke eye contact, not even when he hesitated a second to caress my face. I still don't appreciate the contact, but he's more inclined to talk if he's allowed.

He definitely has more reason than simple enjoyment for doing all of this if he's willing to do any of that though. Mah, I don't care one way or the other if he does. He's good at hiding his presence or involvement from what I know of him, so if he does kill Zeno and Hisoka properly, it wouldn't really matter. Actually doing it properly is quite the feat though.

If his possessiveness dwindles like it did with Kurapika and Machi after we leave here, then none of this really matters. On top of that, if he's actually able to take care of Zeno and Hisoka, then Killua will back off as well. Killing the boy will only incur wrath from the Zoldycks, I don't care much for that inconvenience.

'That would come in handy, actually.'

'Should I just do it then anyway?'

'Zeno and his network will not be so easily killed. Only do it as a last resort.'

'Understood.' He smiled, and let his hand glide away from my face. Apparently he noticed I was at my limit of how much I allowed him to do. The sooner he believes I'm his possession, the sooner all of this unnecessary stalking and touching can be left behind.

###

When he stepped away from me to continue dressing, I decided to just watch him from afar. Even when he left the room, I stayed behind and watched the door through which he'd left.

Just now, there had been a change in plans.

Even after the shower I'd smelled Killua on him. If they've been that close today that even after a shower his presence was still there, then I have a problem. Illumi even chose not to tell me about it.

So maybe I can't get rid of Zeno that easily, but I will deal with Killua in my own way if he's making Illumi feel like he has no way out anymore.


It was in the dead of night, and I cursed Hisoka for only giving me this small of a window of opportunity. Both Illumi and Chrollo decided to stay here tonight, so I haven't been able to prepare anything, and if on an off-chance Chrollo decides it to be a good idea to come and check his office at this hour, I'm a dead man. The only reason I'm actually doing this, is because chances for that are practically non-existent. If you've set all this up, you also could've convinced Illumi to go home, you shithead.

Even though I didn't have to take care of surveillance, or stay hidden from it, I still moved as stealthily as I possibly could. I avoided the route that went past the sleeping room, using my silent footsteps, and making sure I wouldn't cross paths with any of the guards. All of this wasn't that fucking easy to do with my body still like this though. I needed to make sure not to force anything, else Machi would know something had been up, and if Machi knows, then Chrollo knows. I can't replace what I'm going to find in that office because I don't have the means or any fucking clue what it could be. The best I can do to get away with it, is making sure my fingerprints aren't at the scene, so that Hisoka can take the blame.

You better do that, by the way.

I stopped outside Chrollo's office for the short second it was needed to open the lock, and slipped inside without making a sound. Once inside, I carefully moved the fingers on my injured hand to check if it was still alright. When that didn't pose any problems, I started looking around for any kind of object that looked like it would need a key to open it. First thing I did, was go for the desk, but apparently that was too obvious a place. After that, I checked the visible cabinets, but of course that would've been too easy as well. Was it even in this office? He might have a hidden place elsewhere. If that would've been the case though, Hisoka would have given me some kind of hint, and he hadn't. So it has to be somewhere obvious…

When the cabinets didn't show signs of hidden compartments, and the desk didn't either, I started searching the floor – softly knocking on it to check if there was a hollow space somewhere. This wasn't doing any of my tendons any good though. I narrowed my search to the places where I have never – and never would – set foot, and was glad when after only two minutes I found the spot underneath his desk.

I carefully pulled the rug away, and glided my fingers over the wood, searching for the place where I could lift—aah! There it is!

I took a small knife from one of his desk drawers, using it to pry it open. What the hell do you have in a secret place like this?

I put the knife back the exact way I'd found it, and looked down the hole, trying to assess if there wasn't a motion sensor of any kind. But even if there would be, I don't have the equipment with me to disarm it from this position. This better be goddamn worth it,

I reached in with my hand, and grabbed the metal box the best I could, lifting it out of the ground. I wasn't gonna take a look at it here though, I'm not stupid enough to tempt fate like that.

So I merely set it aside, and returned everything to its previous state the best I could.

But all of that was for naught,

'Did you know that I have an extra alarm placed on this door outside of Hisoka's knowledge? It comes in handy when you deal with level 5 patients a lot.' I heard the door open and close, and saw a pair of feet standing still in front of it. I shuffled back a little, but all blood retreated from my face and my heart stopped beating a second… Chrollo…

'Hisoka may not care about his patients breaking these kinds of rules, but I do.' My mind lost it when he slowly started walking my way. Normally at this point my body would be ready to escape by whatever means necessary – but next to it not being up to spec, I think I understand why Illumi showed fear after feeling this kind of danger. I started to break out in a cold sweat, I was scared stiff… 'Especially when it's concerning a patient whom apparently deems it necessary to make my partner feel emotions that will distract him from me.' I swallowed back hard when he stopped right in front of the desk, listening to that calm, collected voice of his. If for some godforsaken reason miracles happen to me, now would be a good time, because I wasn't going to survive this without one…

I couldn't even move when Chrollo slowly crouched down, to look me directly in the eye. By now I couldn't even discern anymore if my heart was beating too fast, or if I was in cardiac arrest…

'Oh, and of course especially against patients that, on top of all that, want to kill me.'

Shit…


A/N

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA -cough-cough-

By now my workplace is surrounded and covered with sweet and soft things from Kuronue. I am a fluffball lighted only by my screen. I cannot move away anymore. You played this game well Kuro, you played it well. So I'm sorry to do this to you again. Also I am dropping something big next chapter, so it won't be any better then xD

I am currently working on three different costumes for a con next month, I'm trying to find a new place to live (because Kuro has made it prudent for me to find a home where I can house everything that's been sent), I think I may have a crush again for the first time in about three years, and I have finished an amv which I'm all sending you to (Kurapika Demon's fate) (look for that) (click the finished version of 4m59)

So y'know, stuff is happening.

How are you all doing?

**warning, violence next chapter**
**like there was any question about that**