A/N: Ack! So much pressure. Thank you all for your amazing support and interest, I couldn't ask for a better group of people to review this story :)


Chapter Forty-Nine: We like each other

As Peter continued to yell for Spin the Bottle, and some people laughed and others ignored him, Sirius and I exchanged a look at exactly the same time.

"Want to talk?" he asked, cocking his head to the portrait hole.

"Sure!" I said, hurrying to get away before someone pulled me in to the circle to play the horrid kissing game. The group didn't seem to be large, Marlene and Benjy were already kissing in a corner and Jasper was chatting to Lily and Dorcas but my roommates and James and Remus had joined the circle. Maybe James and I had made peace but there was no way in heaven or hell I wanted to accidentally spin the bottle in his direction and have to kiss him. A chat with Sirius sounded nice anyway.

The wind rushed in from the window and blew my hair across my face when we made our way out to the deserted corridor. I spat out a chunk and smoothed it away from my face hoping Sirius hadn't seen. Of course he had, he was chuckling as we settled down on the floor leaning against the wall underneath the window.

"What were you and Marlene up to when you came in?" he asked. "You had chocolatey stuff all over your mouth." I saw that he was looking at my lips as he spoke and I rubbed at the edges hoping that I didn't still have icing on my face.

"Oh, it's one of our birthday traditions." I laughed, slumping against the wall and trying to get comfortable against the hard brick. Why did we always seem to have conversations when we were in dark, cold corridors? Sure, it might have been quiet and secluded – but I suddenly wished for the warmth of the fire and the soft sofa to curl up on.

"Every year on our birthday, Marlene and I exchange gifts alone in bed at the beginning of the day," I continued, pausing when I saw his eyebrows shoot up and a smirk fall across his mouth.

"Behave!" I said as he laughed. "And then, at the end of the day we split a cupcake."

"Just one?" he replied, clearing his throat to stop his laughter.

"Well, we don't like the same kind. So we get a vanilla cupcake with chocolate icing and she eats the cake and I eat the icing," I explained, shaking my head. "Wow, now that I'm hearing it out loud, it actually sounds a bit mad."

He laughed but shook his head. "Nah, it's nice to know a bit more about you."

It was so strange that Sirius didn't seem to know about my yearly traditions or really anything that had happened to me in previous years – it felt like he knew almost all of me these days. I kept forgetting that this year of friendship was as new to him as it was to me.

"Don't you have any traditions or things like that?" I asked and he shrugged.

"We dunk Peter's head in the toilet on the first day of term."

"What?" I exclaimed. "That's horrible."

"Well, now we put a bubble-head charm on him first," he shrugged. "Our first night at Hogwarts, we did dares and that was Peter's. Better than Remus who had to run down to the Common Room starkers. We don't make him do that every year though."

"You lot are very odd," I said, shaking my head.

He nudged me in the ribs. "Says the oddest girl I've ever known."

I stuck my tongue out at him and rolled my eyes. "You sound like Emmeline. That's how she described me once –'not very pretty and really odd.'"

He scoffed and leaned against the wall. "Remind me to hex her for that."

I elbowed him back and he laughed.

"Yeah, yeah – no defending your honour, I promise. Anyway, so you know, oddness is not bad at all," he said.

I smiled and folded my legs to my chest so I could pat my knees and give my hands something non-awkward to do. For many weeks now, I'd started wondering why he had gone out with Emmeline. At the time, it had made perfect sense to me – she was the obvious choice. But now, when I saw the way he'd been able to brush her off and get over her so quickly, it made me question why he'd stayed with her so long. I hesitated before I asked, but in the end, I convinced myself that Sirius and I were good enough mates to talk about it now.

"How come you went out with her for all those months? I mean…you don't really have much nice to say about her anymore," I said, looking idly up at the Fat Lady's portrait to appear nonchalant. When I looked at Sirius from the corner of my eye, he had his own eyes squeezed shut – cringing. Obviously it hadn't been a question he'd wanted to answer.

"Well," he said, chewing on his lip. "She was cool – for as much as I managed to get to know her, anyway. She made me laugh…it was easy to be around her. I never had to deal with her refusing to believe it if I said she looked nice in a dress." He squinted at me and I chuckled uncomfortably. After a moment, he sighed and ran his hands through his hair, propping his elbows up on his knees beside mine.

"To be honest, she did me a favour. I'm not very good at ending it with girls. I had the same problem with Dorcas last year. It wasn't until this past summer that she finally told me to stuff it and let me off the hook."

I clicked my tongue. I didn't much like his answer, but I had to give him credit for honesty. It was actually quite interesting to me – that he was so upfront about the more negative aspects of his personality. It was a different way of dealing with things and I thought it seemed better than being self-deprecating like I was.

"Why'd you go out with my brother then?" he asked, quietly. His eyes were fixated on the dark corridor when I snapped my head to look at him in shock.

"What?" I asked, feeling the redness rush to my cheeks. I couldn't talk to him about this. It was too weird, and the last time…he'd lost it at me.

He shrugged. "I'm just curious about how you two got together…"

I chewed my thumbnail as I thought of the best way to phrase it so that I wouldn't sound awful or upset him for some reason. In the end, I settled on honesty. If he could do it, maybe I could too.

"He was maybe the first boy who seemed to really see me," I admitted. "The feelings came all at once…in a hurry. He just, he made me feel special for once."

"Hmm," Sirius said indifferently. When I didn't continue, he tilted his chin at me. Oh dear Merlin, he wanted me to elaborate? How could I tell him why I liked Regulus when I was fighting so hard to forget the reasons why I had – why I sometimes still did – despite everything that had happened.

"And we talked about things – stuff about our families. How we were both a little messed up for it. And we laughed and…drew together. You know he likes art too?" I hung my head. It hurt so much remembering how well Regulus and I had fit together. I wished he hadn't thrown it all away because he was afraid. Sometimes I even wished that I had given him another chance, despite knowing I'd made the right decision.

Sirius shrugged, looking unconvinced. "Yeah, I guess. He still made you keep your relationship a secret for weeks."

"It was hard for him. Even though it didn't turn out the way I wished it had…we still had so much in common. We understood each other. More than me and any other boy," I whispered, inwardly wincing at the accidental implication.

He seemed to have picked up on it and looked immediately annoyed as his eyes narrowed slightly.

"I can't believe you're still defending him, after everything he did."

I shook my head violently. "I'm not!"

I wasn't. I hadn't chosen to be with him again even after he'd begged. I knew what had been wrong between us and what would never change. I was not defending him.

"Yes! You are! Is that what you thought you deserved? Someone who would only be themselves with you in secret? Someone who was afraid to show people how much he cared about you?" His voice was raised again, sliding away from me and getting to his feet and pacing between the Portrait and me.

"Did you really think you didn't deserve someone who would do anything to make you happy?" His jaw flexed. "The way I would?"

"Oh come on Sirius! It's not as if you weren't the same! You said you'd liked me for months…but then you went out with Emmeline. And look at us! We can't stop fighting - you're always yelling at me for doing the wrong thing!" I snapped, feeling my veins suddenly shaking with anger. I didn't want to do this. I'd just wanted to share an honest thought – something to help us become better mates. Why couldn't we go a week without finding some way to quit being friends? It had been our story all year and I was so sick to death of it! I got to my feet too, putting my hands on my hips and standing firm as I glared at him.

He looked incredulous and shook his head. "Why do you think I like you Effie? You don't think we have things in common? What about our stupid sense of humour or our ridiculous attempts at silly nicknames? The fact that we both have parents that we're too good for and have to struggle against? You think that he's the only person who can understand you? Bollocks!"

He walked close to me and lowered his voice slightly. "I tell you when you're being unnecessarily self deprecating and you have no problems telling me when I'm being an unreasonable prick. Sometimes I think I'm the only person you have no problem shutting down! I think that's plenty in common…but I guess since I don't draw pretty pictures, it must mean nothing."

I pressed myself against the windowsill and sighed feeling horrible. I kept hurting his feelings and I had no idea how or why I was doing it. I knew that everything he said was true and I hadn't truly meant that I had nothing in common with him. It hadn't been fair of me to tell Marlene or even really think that we hadn't. Of course we could relate to each other – it was why we were friends against all odds. It was why I liked him – why I'd never really stopped. Maybe the forces of nature and Regulus and Emmeline and Merlin had kept tugging us apart all year but I kept trying to be near him anyway. And unfathomably, he still attempted to do the same.

"You know that's not what I meant," I muttered, feeling the twinge of tears in my eyes. Oh, why did I always end up crying outside this stupid portrait hole with him frowning beside me?

He scoffed, sticking his hands in his pockets and turning his back to me. After a moment, he turned and when he noted my expression, his demeanour changed instantly. He groaned loudly and I looked up in surprise.

"Why do I keep picking this spot to talk to you? It must be bad luck or something," he laughed and because it was so bitterly true, I laughed with him.

"And in the middle of your birthday party on top of it all," he said, shaking his head and settling on the windowsill beside me. "Do you reckon there's some kind of award for the worst timing in the world? I'd win hands down."

I shook my head. "Actually, I probably would."

"You? You're not the one berating someone you like when all you really wanted to do was have an easy, simple conversation with them."

"I wouldn't say that's true," I whispered and his eyes widened.

"What does that mean?" he insisted, reaching for my hand and then thinking better of it and placing it awkwardly in the small space between us. He knew. Of course he did, that ridiculously infectious smirk was twitching back on to his face.

Ugh no…it was still all wrong. It still made no sense.

"You're too good-looking for me!" I burst out, covering my mouth and blushing at the loudness.

He laughed and leaned his head back, hitting the window frame with a loud thunk. "That is so unfair. What if I used that as a reason not to like you?"

I narrowed my eyes at him. "You could never use that as a reason for me. Maybe…I suppose...I could be too hideous for you."

He laughed again, holding his head and shaking it between his knees. When he straightened up, he was red in the face. "Okay – let me play devil's advocate for a minute. Say you were hideous: what if I decided not to like you because you were too hideous for me?"

I leaned away and shrugged. "I'd understand."

"What if I liked you even if I did think you were hideous? What if a slightly insane sense of humour and a ridiculous amount of talent rates higher in my book than a pretty face?" he continued to press.

I shrunk away and tried to hide behind my hair. I had no idea what point he was trying to make, but it was not making me feel any closer to understanding how he could possibly like me, or accepting that the two of us together might actually make sense. Actually, he was starting to kind of hurt my feelings. Sure, it was nice to say I was funny and talented – but did he have to say the word 'hideous' so many times?

He clearly noted my expression because he shook his head and shifted closer to me again, tucking my hair behind my ear so that he could see my face. I peeked up at him and saw that he looked exasperated. His face twitched slightly, in to an inadvertent wink – but even that was attractive. Honestly, how had we ended up sitting in this position? We were so close to each other. I could see the pale flecks of blue in his grey eyes.

"Effie – to be clear, I in no way think you're hideous. I think you're gorgeous. I've thought that from the moment I sat on your bed watching you do those stupid crosswords in the Hospital Wing. Maybe before that – maybe when I saw you doing that ridiculous victory jig after you won your chess match. Or when you made that highly inappropriate joke about Peter shooting stuff at my face."

He was so close. Too close. He was even closer than the time he'd been drunk and almost kissed me on his birthday.

"Maybe I knew from the moment I noticed your eyes, which I am quite sure will be the death of me because honestly, I think I had more stuff to say but now, the only thing I'm thinking about while I'm looking at you staring at me like that, is how badly I have to kiss you."

How many times had time slowed down or frozen in my life? I must have been about 42 in actual years with how frequently it seemed to have happened to me this year. I was quite sure I wasn't breathing because I was staring at him as he leaned in and everything was in slow motion. I felt the tingles on my neck, the warmth on my cheeks and the sudden, terrifying thought that his lips would be on mine in a moment. Even as I panicked, I felt myself lean into his hand as he stroked lightly across my cheek and along my jaw before he chuckled against my lips and closed the gap. And it was…

Well. It was a dream. It had to be. Nothing had felt this good or terrifying or wonderful or heart-racing. I could hear my heart thump as Sirius' lips barely brushed mine and then, I started to panic and hyperventilate. No. I wasn't ready for this. I was terrified. I didn't get it. I had to stop it.

"Sirius, we can't," I said, using every ounce of energy in my body to pull away from him. His eyes opened and he looked hurt and confused. I knew the expression well – I'd put him through it so many times before.

"Why not?" he murmured, his voice tight and hushed. "We like each other, don't we? Isn't that enough?"

I closed my eyes and held tight to my emotions. "It should be, but it isn't."

He looked irritated now, and again he paced away from me, his fingers interlocked behind his head. I watched his shoulders rise and fall with deep, exasperated breaths.

"I just…I don't think I'm ready for this. And I don't think you are either," I whispered, feeling sick. Why was I doing this? I had been so happy a second ago.

He laughed bitterly and whirled around. "Oh no. I'm ready for this. I've liked you all year – I've been ready for months. I thought…"

I shook my head. "No. I don't mean that we're not ready to be together. I mean that it wouldn't be good for us to be together."

"Why the hell not?" he said, sinking to the ground opposite the portrait hole. He stared at the Fat Lady looking sad and disappointed. Again – expressions I was used to by now, but still made me feel miserable.

"Because…I still can't believe you like me," I managed to say, getting up from the windowsill and sitting cross-legged on the floor about a foot away from him.

"How many different ways do I have to say it?" he muttered quietly.

"It's not you, Sirius. It's me."

He laughed and hung his head. "Not you, it's me. Very original."

"No. I mean – you can tell me as many times as you want, but I still can't understand it. I still don't believe I'm worth anyone's time…not really. I'm not ready for you to make me happy because I'm not happy by myself yet," I said, mixing up my words and feeling stupid. It sounded like some babble you read in self help books but I also knew it was true.

"And you…you still feel like you need to protect me at every turn," I added, looking at the floor, knowing he would pounce.

"I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to protect people you care about," he snapped predictably. "It's not a good enough reason."

"Of course it is! Sure – I could be easy on myself, let you take care of me and protect me and stand up for me…and I know that I would be really happy because I would be with you."

He glared at me as if I was the one missing the point. "You'd make me happy too. We'd be really happy – it would be so simple if you just let it!"

"But how will I ever figure out how to be happy with myself if the only reason I was whole was because you completed me? How would I learn to be okay with the way I look if I always had you to tell me you liked my eyes? How could you think I was your equal if you felt obligated to protect me constantly? What if one day it gets to be too much for you – standing up for me and telling me I'm great when I never learned how to believe it for myself? What if you decide it's not worth it anymore? What will I do then? " I said, tears starting to leak from my eyes. He rushed to me immediately, as I knew he would and grabbed my hands from my lap.

"I wouldn't give up until you believed it."

"Sirius! That's the point – I can't need you for those things. I can't do that to you – I want to figure out how to believe it first, before I fall head first into this with you. I want to be a fully formed person before I get into a serious relationship. We're kids – we don't know anything yet."

"So, that's your big rejection?" he laughed, falling off his haunches to sit on the floor and look at me bitterly. "We're kids?"

I chuckled tearfully and his mouth twitched.

"I think we'll be good as friends. We'll support each other and be there for each other…but I've got to be happy being alone before I can be with anyone," I said in the strongest and most certain voice I could manage.

He stared at me for what seemed like hours. I didn't know what he was thinking – I only knew that I was sure I was making the right call. The difficult decisions were always the hardest – they would always hurt the way this did. I wasn't saying no because I didn't want to be with him, I was saying 'not now' because it was what felt right, not what was easy. He still looked dazed but after he'd rubbed his face, his expression relaxed into that cool, gorgeous smile of his.

"Well, I can't pretend that I agree with you – or say that I'm happy about it. I think it's the biggest pile of nonsensical rubbish I've ever heard. But…if you really want to be just friends – then we'll be friends. Properly this time. I won't harp on or try and convince you to be something more. There's only so many times a bloke can make a fool of himself," He turned up the corner of his mouth and I cringed guiltily.

"But…I'll wait. And maybe someday you'll figure out that we were right for each other all along and ask me to be with you. And I'll still be there," he said, looking calm and resigned now.

It hurt to see him accept it, but I also felt relief. He understood, even though he shelled out insults and pretended not to. He knew I was right.

"It's bad timing Sirius…"

"Yeah, we're not ready for each other, I get it," he said. "Merlin Effie, you're killing me – but I get it."

I stared at him and he stared at me and all we could do was shrug and smile.

One day maybe. But not today.


A/N: So...I think some of you will appreciate this ending and others will probably be screaming 'WHAT - It took you 49 chapter to get her to end up with No one?!' I just thought that this was the right way to go in terms of Effie's journey - she finally made a decision not because it was easy but because she wanted to do what she felt was right. She's not ready to be in a relationship and even though Sirius is hurt, I think he sort of understands too. ANYWAY - I know you might not feel a ton of resolution after this, but that's what the Epilogue is for. It's very long and a lot will happen in it - to give you an idea, I think my longest chapter has been just under 4000 words and the Epilogue is over 9000. I can't wait for tomorrow, even though I am as sad as some of you that the story is almost over. THANKS as always.