A/N1: The last three sentences of the letter in this chapter are ones I stole from a website. I do not own those.


Chapter 44:
Did I Tell You?

'Til Life Did Us Part


This is set on Saturday May 20th 2006.


''You can spend your whole life building something from nothing, one storm can come and blow it all away ... build it anyway. You can chase a dream that seems so out of reach, and you know it might not ever come your way ... dream it anyway.'' Martina McBride - Do It Anyway


Third Person's POV


Andy hesitantly picked up the phone. She'd taken everything into consideration; other people's opinions, what she herself wanted for the future, what would be best for her family in the long run... And she had finally come to a decision, a decision that - though it was the right thing to do - still hurt a little bit. She dialed the number and waited patiently for Maureen to pick up.

''Mills,'' she heard the woman pick up, greeting her with only her surname.
''Maureen? It's me, Andy,'' Andy responded.

''Oh hi,'' Maureen said - sounding a bit surprised, ''I didn't expect you to call me until tomorrow.''
''Well, I've been going back and forth with what I should do with the nomination and last night I finally made up my mind, I figured I'd let you know before it changes again,'' Andy said.
Maureen let out a sigh, ''you're going to say no, aren't you? I could tell last week - when you said you needed more time to think about it, I just knew.''

''I'm sorry but yes, I do have to say no,'' Andy replied.
There was a moment of silence between them before Maureen broke it, ''I don't understand what happened. I've known you for forever and this has always been your dream. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to but can you explain to me why you're saying no? I promise that whatever you say will remain between us.''

Andy considered telling her everything for a moment but then decided against it, ''let's just say I have my reasons.'' She replied curtly.
''Okay.'' Maureen responded. ''And who knows; maybe in the future - when the position opens up again - maybe it'll be better timing and you can become Surgeon General then.''

''Yeah, maybe,'' Andy responded. Just because she had declined it now didn't mean that it wasn't still a dream of hers, so maybe she would get another chance...
''Hey, I have a meeting in a few minutes so I have to go,'' Maureen said.
''Okay,'' Andy responded.

''But Andy?'' Maureen asked.
''Yes?''

Maureen hesitated for a moment, ''I've got a feeling that there's more going on than you're telling me - that you declined the nomination for more than just the fact that you're expecting a baby,'' she said, ''now I don't mean to pry but if you ever need someone to talk to, just call me, okay?''
Andy smiled, ''yeah, I will.'' She said.


It was just after lunchtime when Andy had another moment to simply sit back and relax for a moment. She'd been working her way through medical files all morning, updating medical files and doing research for a patient who had been plagued with a disease nobody had been able to figure out just yet.

She hadn't had any contractions all morning - which seemed to pretty much be the definition of a good day at this point - and she had to say that she felt pretty good for being thirty-three weeks pregnant.
Walking into the kitchen she found Lizzy sitting at the table, working on an English paper that was due on Monday. ''Where's Jesse?'' Andy asked her daughter as she got a bottle of water from the refrigerator.

''She's out, said she was going to introduce Jeremy to some of her friends,'' Lizzy replied, not even looking up.
''Has the mail come yet?'' Andy asked next, her phone call with Carmen Campbell had been in the back of her mind since she'd had hung up.
''It's on the counter,'' Lizzy said.

Looking through the mail she soon found an envelope with a stamp from Chicago on it. Opening it she just found a small note in Carmen's handwriting explaining the same thing she had said on the phone the previous day, plus the two envelopes. One had Andy's name on it, the other simply saying For My Daughters in Les' handwriting.

Seeing that both the envelopes had been opened - most likely by Carmen, who else? - Andy grew angry. She didn't know what the letters said and wasn't sure if she wanted to find out, but she did know that she didn't want her former mother-in-law knowing it.

What if Les had mentioned the abuse? The rape? Anything else that might hint at either one of those things?

It would certainly explain why Carmen had said that she wasn't sure if Andy should have the letters.
As she let out a sigh she could feel Lizzy looking at her.

''Are you okay?'' Lizzy asked.
''Yeah, I'm fine. I'll be upstairs if you need me,'' she responded.

Closing her bedroom door behind her she threw the letters on the bed. Did she want to know what Les had written her? Reading how he made a sad attempt at apologizing to her?
Taking a moment to calm herself down, she sat down on the bed before grabbing the envelope with her name on it. Taking out the letter and opening it she made the decision that she might as well read it, nothing to lose.

Dear Andy,

Andy closed her eyes and took a deep breath. The familiar handwriting felt comforting somehow.

Considering the fact that you're reading his, I'm going to assume that my plan succeeded. I've been going back and forth with this for a while now and after what happened – what I did - last week… let's just say that that idiotic, snap decision of mine pretty much made the decision for me.

The reason I'm writing you this letter is because I want to make an attempt at telling you how sorry I am, not just for last week but for everything that I ever did, every way I ever wronged you. I have so many regrets that I don't even know where to begin and I know that right now you probably hate me so much that you don't even want to know what I have to say. I understand that completely..

Andy looked up from the letter as she heard her bedroom door open, she quickly folded the letter back up in case it was Lizzy - but was relieved when it was Milo. ''You're back early,'' Andy told him, Milo was called back to the hospital early in the morning because one of his patients had been brought into the ER.
''Yes, you don't have to stick around as long if the patient dies mid surgery,'' Milo replied with a sigh as he began to change out of his work clothes into something more comfortable.

''I'm sorry,'' Andy said, she continued reading the letter as she talked to Milo.

I want you to know that I didn't mean everything I said last week; yes, I meant that I love you, that I wanted another chance… but I didn't mean all the hurtful things I said, and you didn't deserve that. We both know how I get when I'm angry and I shouldn't have started anything because of that. Since moving to California I've been seeing a therapist and I've followed a lot of anger management workshops but I guess that just wasn't enough.

''Did you call Maureen to tell her your decision?'' Milo asked from inside their walk-in-closet.
Andy looked up for a moment, ''yes, I told her that I respectfully decline the nomination,'' she replied with a smile. She hadn't told Milo her decision upfront so he was hearing this for the first time.

Milo stepped back out into the room in his underwear, ''and you're sure that's what you want to do?'' He asked even though he couldn't suppress the smile that was growing on his face. He was glad she had made the decision to stay in Philadelphia.
''A hundred percent,'' Andy replied with a grin. ''I thought about what you said last night; about choosing what I want in life and if I get hired as Surgeon General it'll just keep me away from the girls, from you and from Daniel,'' she put a hand on her stomach, ''and I don't want to miss out on anything for a job. There's a chance I'll get another shot at becoming Surgeon General, but I'll never get another shot at having these moments back or watching Daniel grow up twice.''

I'd do anything to take it back, take back what I did last week, the words and the actions. I wish I could take it all back, but I can't, that hurts but I've accepted it. It's why I'm going to do what I'm going to do.

''Well, I'm proud of you for going after what you want,'' Milo told her before planting a kiss on her lips, lingering for a few seconds before pulling away.
''Thank you,'' Andy responded. As she watched him walk back into their closet she continued reading.

I know I don't deserve it but I'm hoping that one day you'll be able to find it in your heart to forgive me, not for me but so you can leave me in the past and move on – focus on the beautiful daughters you gave me, focus on that other guy you're with and focus on the baby you're going to have. I know you didn't know I knew but I could see it on your face, there was something different about you and I only just figured out what it was.

''What are you reading anyway?'' Milo asked as he walked back into the bedroom - this time fully clothed.
''Les' suicide letter to me,'' Andy responded, not even looking up as she finished reading it.

Always remember that I'm sorry and that I love you.

So I guess this is my last goodbye. Now, I must end it. There's no hope left. I'll be at peace

After finishing the letter and folding it back up, Andy looked up at Milo who was staring at her with his jaw dropped. ''You never told me he wrote you a letter,'' he said to her.
''I just found out yesterday because his mother called me. Apparently she had had it for all these months and I only just today got it in the mail, there's one for Jesse and Lizzy as well,'' Andy said, motioning to the other envelope.

''What does it say?'' Milo asked with a frown. As Andy handed him the letter he looked at her, trying to figure out from her expression how she felt about what it said. Tearing his gaze of her he unfolded the letter and quickly read it. ''I'll be at peace?'' Milo asked Andy in a mocking tone of voice. ''After what he did, the last thing he deserves is to rest in peace.'' He said, handing her the letter.

There was almost a minute of silence between them during which they just looked at each other. ''Right?'' Milo asked. When Andy didn't reply he asked her again, ''don't you think he deserves not to rest in peace?'' He asked her.
Andy contemplated this for a second before answering, ''there are a lot of reasons why he does deserve that,'' she answered.

Milo let out a groan, ''why are you always defending him?'' He asked her in disbelief.
''He's dead, he can't talk anymore so someone will have to,'' Andy said.

''And that person has to be you?'' Milo asked her. ''You were the person who he promised to love forever, who he was supposed to take care of when you were both old... and you're the person who he beat repeatedly and ended up raping despite taking that vow.'' Milo took her hands in his, ''you don't have to defend him, you don't owe him that - in fact, you don't owe him anything.''

Andy pulled her hands back from him, ''I know I don't owe him anything, but we both know that even though he might not have been the best husband there were also great things about him.'' Milo huffed as he took a step backwards. Andy looked up at him from where she was sitting on the bed, ''he was smart, a good father... He had his bad moments but he had more good ones than bad ones. And no, after all the things that happened between him and me I don't have to defend him, but I am going to anyway and I don't owe you an explanation for why I am.''

Milo remained quiet, knowing that if he said anything bad about Les the situation would only get worse. He turned away from Andy and picked up a wedding photo of theirs from the dresser in front of him, ''do you know what I think when I think about the fact that he's dead?'' He asked Andy, throwing her a quick glance over his shoulder before turning his attention back to the photo.

Andy closed her eyes; she didn't want to hear this and couldn't believe he was going to bring this up.

''When I think about his death I feel glad,'' Milo told her.
''I don't want to hear this,'' Andy told him, she would've walked away had it been easier to actually do so - but in this stage of her pregnancy it wasn't much of an option.

''I love you so much that when I think of him, I think of all the times that he's hurt you. Or at least, the times you have told me about which is probably nothing compared to all the things he actually did. I feel happy that he's dead because it means that he will never hurt you again. And at the same time I feel sad because I know that he hurt Jesse and Lizzy by taking his own life and I care for them and I love them,'' Milo said, he put down the picture and looked back at Andy. ''And when I see the way you respond to the fact that he's gone, the way you always defend him... It makes me feel like if he was still here than you'd rather be with him than with me,'' he finished. ''And that hurts.''

Andy bit her lip as she listened to him; she had never realized that it might've hurt him. When she didn't respond he walked away - out of the bedroom, leaving her there.


''I'm sorry,'' Andy said as she sat down next to Milo. It had been almost an hour since their... conflict, up in their bedroom, and they had both taken their time to calm down a bit. Now they were just sitting on a wooden bench in the garden behind their house. ''I didn't take your feelings into account while dealing with this and that was wrong,'' she told him. ''I just wish you had told me sooner how you felt about it.''

Milo looked over at her, ''you want to know how I feel right now?'' He asked her, looking deep into her eyes. She smiled and with a nod let him know that she was listening. ''I'm scared,'' he said, pausing so she could reply.
Andy frowned; it wasn't the answer she had expected, ''why?'' She asked.

''Not counting Jesse and Lizzy and Daniel - since they have to be first, you're my number one person and when you talk about Les I feel like I could never be yours,'' Milo responded. ''Nobody's perfect, not me... not you. But if I could have any other woman, the most perfect woman in the world... I'd still rather be with you, even if you're flawed, because your flaws and imperfections make you all the more perfect in my eyes. And all I can ever hope for is that you could say the same about me,'' he said.

Andy smiled at him, ''I would,'' she said, ''I would rather be with you, than with the most perfect woman in the world,'' she joked - breaking the serious moment between them. They both laughed for a moment.
''But seriously?'' Milo asked her. ''If Les was here, and he wanted to be with you, would you still choose me over him? Not taking into account the fact that we're having a baby together.''

Andy looked down at her hands for a moment, ''I would,'' she said.
''Are you sure?'' Milo asked.

''I told Les that, the night he raped me. I said that I still loved him as a friend, as the girls' father, but that he and I were over and that I was happy with you,'' Andy said.
''And then he raped you?'' Milo asked her - she had never told him the full story of what happened that night and he couldn't help but be curious; hoping that by knowing what had happened he could help her.

Andy took a deep breath, ''after that he kissed me,'' she said, thinking back to that night. ''And I kissed him back,'' she added after a few seconds.
She saw a shocked look cross Milo's face, ''you what?'' He asked her.

''I kissed him back,'' she repeated. ''And then after a few seconds I broke away and I slapped him in the face. I told him that that kiss meant nothing and he kissed me again, only this time I couldn't break away since there was no room. So I just bit on his lip until it started to bleed and I was just hoping that that would make him understand that I didn't want it - that I didn't want him. But that just made him mad and he pushed me on the ground and I tried to fight him off for as long as I could but...'' she didn't finish the sentence and she didn't have to. Milo was still staring at her in silence. ''And now I keep wondering if he had still done that if I hadn't kissed him back,'' she said.

''I'm sure that nothing you said or did caused him to do that, that was all him,'' Milo responded.
''But something must have set him off,'' Andy said. ''And you know what the worst part is? After what happened I still wish he was alive, that the girls could go talk to him and that I could talk to him,'' she added. ''It scares me that someone could hurt me so bad and that I'd still want them around. I promise you that even if he did come back - despite every messed up feeling that I have for him - I will always choose you. You'll always be number one.''

Milo smiled at her and gave her a kiss, ''I'm sorry for what I said earlier, I'm not going anywhere. You don't have to be afraid about losing me.''
Andy's smile faded a bit, ''I suppose I'm a little bit scared. You might not like it that I felt so much for him. But that was then. You are here now; you make me and define me. It's over after all but he's still a part of me. And I know you don't like it when I talk about him but I want you to know all about it, so there are no secrets.''


"You didn't love her. You just didn't want to be alone. Or maybe, maybe she was good for your ego. Or, or maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life. But you didn't love her, because you don't destroy the person that you love.'' Sara Ramirez as Callie Torres - Grey's Anatomy


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