Brittany's smile quickly faded when the guilt hit her like a ton of bricks. She laid back and covered her face with both of her arms. How was she supposed to tell Tina what had happened when she already disliked Santana so much and wasn't even all that sure about her going to the mall in the first place.

"Something we really, really shouldn't have done." Brittany said, her voice muffled from her arm.

She couldn't stop thinking about how angry and hurt Tina was going to be- what if she cried? Tina would probably hate her after she told her about the kissing and Brittany wouldn't blame her, she sort of hated herself at that moment. Not only had she just cheated on her girlfriend, but she'd also enjoyed the kiss, much more than she should have. She was the definition of an awful girlfriend.

Santana's face burns as she looks away. She draws her knees into her chest, hugging them tightly, and stares down at the city below her, barely seeing what she is looking at. She is seeing Brittany's face, the brightness of her smile, and then Rachel's, the devastation that would totally take over her features if she were ever to know…

She sucks so hard. How could she do this?

And yet Brittany's reaction hurts her too. As she turns to look at her, seeing the shame in Brittany's response, she finds herself somewhat bothered. "Are you…sorry?"

Brittany peeked through her arms, looking up at the dark sky she felt tears forming in her eyes. She wasn't about to cry, not during the most perfect night ever, she squeezed her eyes shut and sighed. When Santana asked her if she was sorry she didn't answer right away, she laid there for a moment before sitting up so she was face-to-face with Santana.

"I… don't know. Should I be? I mean, I feel bad that Tina is going to be so hurt, but… I don't know." Brittany shrugged. "What about you?"

Santana bites her lower lip, her eyes dropping, and her shoulders hunch forward as she considers. She doesn't want to look at Brittany, but she finally forces her eyes up, trying to ignore the gnawing discomfort in her stomach as she replies.

"I don't know either."

How did this night go from the best night of Brittany's life, to quite possibly one of the most depressing? Suddenly the cold hit her again and a shiver ran up her body, she then laid her head down on her knees. Brittany chewed on the inside of her cheek, then finally spoke.

"Why did you kiss me? You have a girlfriend, I have a girlfriend…"

There are tears coming to Santana's eyes now, and clinches her jaw, trying to blink several times in a row to keep them back. It doesn't seem to be quite working, though, and her voice is tight and high when she answers.

"I don't know…we were having fun and it was like things used to be….everything's changing and it was back how it used to be and it felt good and..I don't know…are you mad?"

As Santana spoke, Brittany bit down harder on the inside of her cheek, things did seem like they had before, she was having the most fun she'd had in quite some time so she understood why Santana would kiss her. She scooted closer to Santana and wrapped her arms around her, nuzzling her face in Santana's neck.

"No, I'm not mad. I'm just a little confused, but not mad." She tightened her arms around Santana and sighed.

As Brittany hugs her, nuzzling, Santana is having to fight even harder against her threatening tears. She slowly puts her arms around Brittany too, feeling her throat choke as she lets Brittany hold her, guilt and anxiety becoming near panic as she tightens her arms more and more.

"Sorry..I didn't..I don't think I really meant to…"

Brittany contemplated whether she should move or not, it wasn't like that was big news to her. She knew that it was an impulsive kiss, nothing more than that, but when you like the kiss… that's where things got confusing. She didn't let go of Santana though, she was afraid that if she did she'd run away from her and the whole night go down the drain.

"I didn't figure you did, you love Rachel. There was an opportunity to do it and so you did… that's that."

Hiding her face against Brittany's shoulder, Santana continues to fight not to cry, not looking up at her. She can't seem to calm down and in fact is getting more upset with every passing minute. The more she thinks about what just happened and what she did, how upset Rachel will be when or if she finds out, the harder it is to breathe, and the more sick to her stomach she feels. Santana clutches Brittany, aware of her increasingly rapid breaths as she continues to think. She loved Brittany…just as much as Rachel. But was it just as much, as her long time friend, or just as much…in the same way?

She knew she was in love with Rachel. She was almost positive she wasn't in love with Brittany, not anymore. But then why had she let this happen?

When Brittany finally pulled away from Santana and she could see the guilt on her face, she wished nothing more than for time to reverse. If she hadn't allowed Santana to kiss her, she wouldn't be so confused about her feels. Brittany was so sure before that Tina was the person she'd been spending the rest of her life with, but after this… who knew what would happen. She didn't know how she felt and Tina would be so angry she'd probably break up with her. She knew she had to stop thinking about that or she'd drive herself nuts, so she stood up and held her hand out to Santana.

"Come on, let's go back inside. I'm cold and tired and.. I just want to go to bed."

Letting Brittany pull her to her feet, Santana follows her numbly back to the hole in the roof to drop back down. the whole time they are putting everything back and making their way towards Penney's to sleep, she is still blinking back tears frequently. The whole day seems ruined now, and she is feeling progressively more intense self-hatred.

She doesn't know if she and Brittany will share a bed, or if they even should anymore. All she can think of is Rachel, and how much she's screwed up. She can't lie to her, but how can she stand to tell her?

At this point, Brittany was almost tempted to go home, she wanted Lord Tubbington to give her advice, to help her figure out her feelings, to cuddle her. He was like her therapist and she needed him. Santana however, wanted to stay the night in the mall, it was on her bucketlist and she couldn't just up and leave no matter how awful she felt.

"Are things going to be awkward between us again? Because I don't want us to be weird and us fight all the time."

But at this point, Santana isn't really keen on spending the night in the mall anymore either. The whimsy and sense of mischievousness has gone out of it, and instead all she can focus on is what is going to happen when morning comes- not in the mall, but beyond it.

When Brittany asks her if things will be awkward, that's the all it takes for tears to finally overflow. Trying to stop herself from full out crying, Santana stops walking, wiping at her eyes quickly with just her fingertips, and then rolls her eyes up, trying to stem any more from coming.

"I don't want it to be…" Deep breath, then, "Are you telling Tina?"

When she saw Santana wiping tears away, Brittany wrapped her arm around Santana's waist. She began chewing hard on her lip. She didn't respond immediately, of course she would be telling Tina, how could she not. If she had that bottled up in her for the rest of her life, she'd explode.

"Me either, but does that mean it actually won't be?" She looked over at Santana and shrugged. "I have to tell her."

Not the words Santana wanted to hear. Although she knew she was going to have to tell Rachel, she also had sort of hoped that Brittany wouldn't tell Tina, or that maybe Brittany could come up with an awesome reason that they shouldn't. A few more tears come as she leans slightly into Brittany's arm, and she puts her hand over her face, trying to hide this.

"Oh god…why did I do this? She's going to be so mad. She's probably going to cry. I can't take Rachel crying, you just don't even know how much it sucks…" Santana sucked in a shaky breath, trying not to picture Rachel's exact expression, her wide eyes swimming in tears. "Why did I DO this?"

And still another question…why had she LIKED it?

Listening to everything Santana was saying was just making Brittany feel ever worse than she had. She shook her head before she stop walking making Santana stand right in front of her, she put her hands on Santana's shoulder and began talking.

"It's not just you Santana, I don't know why it was that you wanted to kiss me, but I could've stopped you. I could've said no and we could've left it at that, but instead I allowed you to kiss me and I'm not entirely sure why I let it happen, but it's done… we can't take it back. If it makes you feel better you can tell Rachel that I was the one who kissed you and I'll tell Tina the same thing, so calm down okay?"

"No," Santana shook her head, lifting one hand to wipe at her eyes again. She breathed in slowly, trying to use Brittany's touch to reground herself as she reshook her head. "No…I won't…I can't lie. I won't do that to you. Or her."

She slowly starts to regain control, then pulls away from Brittany, grabbing her hand again. "No, it can't get weird. I won't let it. I still love you and we're still best friends forever, we promised. It won't change with us, but…"

But it will with Rachel. She knows it will, and that's what scares her.

"Yes. Tell her that I was the one who kissed you, she won't be as mad- at least not at you. If she thinks that it was me who kissed you guys will probably stay together and everything will be okay between you two." But she knew that if she told Tina that she was the one who kissed Santana, things would be worse between them. Whether Brittany liked it or not Santana needed Rachel and didn't want things to go bad between them.

Brittany wasn't sure how things wouldn't be weird now, she didn't want that to happen but it seemed inevitable. "I would love for that to happen… I don't know what I'd do without you being in my life, but sometimes promises don't exactly work out the way we want them to. I'm scared that's going to happen."

"NO! Brittany, no…I won't do that. I can't…I can't do that," Santana shakes her head, adamant. As much as she might be tempted, she knows how terrible she would feel, every single day, if she stood there and lied to Rachel's face. She can't blame Brittany for her own actions. She can't make Rachel hate her and distrust her when it was Santana who had made the first move and Santana who should be getting the end results.

When Brittany starts to talk about promises not working out, and possibly not having her in her life, it's all she can do to stop herself from starting to cry all over again. This is too much to even begin to consider right now. What if Rachel is upset with her and won't forgive her AND things are so weird with Brittany that they can't be friends? What if things are so terrible she can't even begin to make them right? How is she going to be able to handle being totally alone?

She clings to Brittany's hand as they walk, too upset by her own thoughts to even try to talk anymore. As they gather up their belongings by the fountain and return to Penney's, she hasn't said a single word.

"Well, if you change your mind, let me know so I can change my story for Tina." She sighed. Brittany wished that she didn't have to tell Tina about this, she wanted to be able to play it off as if nothing happened at all. She'd die of guilt if she didn't.

As they continued to walk, Brittany could feel things between them getting awkward. The not speaking thing, it almost never happened when they were together, she was sure that Santana was already planning her escape from the friendship. She let go of Santana hand and grabbed her clothes from before and held them close to her, she kept her mind set on going straight to the store and falling asleep immediately so she wouldn't have to continue thinking about the night's events.

88

PMs

Santana: Did you tell Tina?

Brittany: No, not yet…

Santana:…should I do it?

Brittany: No. I want to do it, I just have to find the right time to do it. Have you told Rachel?

Santana: no…

Brittany: Do you want me to tell her for you?

Santana: NO OMG NO

Brittany: Okay… just thought I'd offer. When are you going to tell her?

Santana: I don't know…Britt…how far are you on finishing that time machine?

Brittany: I'm pretty far away from getting it together.. a few years at least. I do wish that I could figure out how to make it right now so we wouldn't have to tell anyone.

Santana: Dammit.

Brittany: Do you wish we would've never gone to the mall at all and instead just stayed home and watched movies with our girlfriends?

Santana: Stop it.

Brittany: You stop. I just want to know if you feel the same way I do.

Santana: You're going to make me cry again and I can't take it, just stop.

Texts

Rachel:Hello sweetie! I haven't heard from you since your mall adventure, but I hope it went all. Besides. I haven't exactly been able to contact you either outside of school.

Rachel:I just wanted you to know that I've officially caught up on all of my homework, and reading, etc, so will have much more free time. I was hoping we could spend the weekend together or something. Breadstix? My treat?

Rachel:Anyway, let me know! Hugs and kisses and all my love, your diamond

Santana:Uh...okay...
Rachel:
Everything alright? You're usually much more excited about Breadstix.

Santana:Uh...

Santana:we have to skip Breadstix.
Rachel:
Oh no, are you sick? Did you get food poisoning? Do you need me to come over? I promise not cuddle without a mask or anything this time.

Santana:No...I'm not sick.

Santana:Just...we have to...can I come over?
Rachel:
Of course. Is... is everything okay? Is it your grandmother again? Your dad?

Santana:No...just...

Santana:I'm coming over.

7

Ever since the night in the mall with Brittany, and their shared kisses, Santana had absolutely hated herself for what she had done.

She was trying not to take out her feelings against Brittany, trying not to let things become strained or resentful or awkward between them. No matter what she had done, no matter what was going to happen, she knew that she couldn't tolerate things changing between her and Brittany, she couldn't tolerate losing her- especially if she were, inevitably, going to lose Rachel. But what if Tina made Brittany choose? Who would she choose- the girl she was dating and apparently in love with, though Santana still can't understand why, or her best friend, the girl who had just gotten her in trouble by kissing her after they had both promised everything would be fine to their own girlfriends? What if Brittany chose Tina? How could Santana stand to lose Brittany forever?

This was where the kisses had stemmed from, she realized now, after almost nonstop thinking and analyzing and two fully sleepless nights in a row. It had happened in the atmosphere of the moment, of course, but it had not been bred of a heated charged between them, of passion or lust or any real romantic love for Brittany at all. No, Santana had gradually figured out, she had kissed Brittany because she had been having fun with her, having a good day, a playful, almost magical day with her, just like she had when they were younger and there seemed to be no one else as important in the world as they were to each other. Because she finally felt secure and reassured with Brittany in that moment, like she used to, that Brittany did love her and need her and have fun with her, that she meant just as much to Brittany as Brittany meant to her, and that this would never change. Because she had felt young again, because she had felt in those moments that the future she had stressed and worried herself over for so long may in fact never have to happen at all, that she could continue to forever live as a technical child in the magic of moments like those, without losing anyone or anything at all. Because she had talked herself out of believing in reality, and now she would lose everything that she had convinced herself she was holding onto.

Brittany had offered to let her take the blame, to tell both Tina and Rachel the lie that Brittany had kissed Santana first instead of simply returning the gesture. But as tempting as it was, Santana couldn't do that to her. She couldn't look Rachel in the face and lie to her, not after having already betrayed her in this way. She hated herself enough as it was without having to add onto the reasons why.

For two straight nights in a row Santana couldn't sleep without picturing Rachel's fully devastated face, without imagining every possible scenario for what might happen when she finally told. She couldn't eat, and her mother's observation of this and pointed reprimands and questions sent her closer and closer to the edge until they got in a near screaming match, the day that she finally chose to tell Rachel. And before she left to tell Rachel, Santana found herself, feeling almost outside her own body with her anxiety, vomiting again for the first time in almost three months, unable to tell in that moment whether or not it was deliberate.

However Rachel might respond to this- crying, screaming, throwing things, total withdrawal, calling names, singing a very pointed song towards her in Glee, or giving her silent treatment…she would undoubtedly deserve it. She would hate it, hate seeing it, but she could handle it. The one thing she couldn't handle, the one thing she absolutely feared beyond all else would occur, was if Rachel decided to cut her out of her life entirely.

And this was what she dreaded to the point of feeling physically ill as she made her way to Rachel's house and waited to be let inside. She brushed past her fathers without hardly so much as nodding a greeting, almost steering Rachel up to her room without actually bringing herself to touch the other girl. She knew that she must look alarming to Rachel, as she hadn't bothered to change out of the t-shirt she had worn to bed the night before, simply putting on pants, and her hair was loose and probably in need of more careful brushing, her makeup minimal, eyes red from frequent crying. And if the girl offered her any sort of concern or sympathy right now because of it, if she tried to so much as touch her or say her name in a soft tone, Santana would just…it would be just one more thing she couldn't take right now. So she made herself look at Rachel, forcing her tone to be somewhat steady as she dived into business right away.

"We have to talk, Rachel. Right now while I….still can make myself."

Rachel was terrified.

Everything just felt… Bad. Everything felt bad. Santana was acting strange, and all Rachel could think was that something horrible had happened.

Were her parents okay? Had her grandmother done something? Did Santana have cancer? Was being sent to boarding school ten states away and was therefore breaking up with her?

A thousand terrible scenarios ran through her mind, and of course as Santana led her up to her room, her fears only got worse. As Santana spoke, telling her something about saying something while she still could, Rachel had never been more concerned for the girl in her life it felt like.

"San… San what's wrong…?" she asked gently, reaching forward to set her hand on the girl's shoulder, and her frown deepened when it was shrugged off. "Santana…? Please tell me what happened so that I can fix it… Or at least try? You've been crying. You're clearly very upset. Let me help, please?" pleaded the smaller girl, moving closer to her girlfriend.

Santana couldn't stand to look Rachel in the eyes. Not for even a second could she stand to see the girl's concern, the love and anxiety for her that was shining out so clearly in her eyes. She didn't deserve it, none of it, and seeing Rachel wanting to give it towards her only made her hate herself that much more for the truth of it all.

When Rachel tried to touch her, Santana backed away with an involuntary noise of protest, putting up both hands as though to ward her off. "No, don't touch me, please-" but the girl was moving closer to her, obviously wanting so much to comfort her, and it was wrong, just so wrong that Santana felt tears come to her eyes all over again.

She couldn't do this, how could she do this, how could she say this and take away that way that Rachel looked at her forever? But how could she let her look at her like that anymore either?

Putting her hands over her eyes, taking in several shallow breaths, Santana finally spoke, having to force herself to lower her hand and look somewhere in the direction of Rachel's eyes.

"Please don't…don't feel bad for me…I don't deserve it. Rachel…I…when I went with Brittany, to the mall…we…we kissed. No…I…I kissed her…she kissed me back but I kissed her first. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It will…it will never happen again, I promise, I didn't even mean, but….I'm so sorry. I…Rachel, I love you so much, I didn't…I love you with all of my fucked up, piece of shit heart, and that's why I'm so fucking sorry."

She could feel tears start to form and rubbed her eyes frantically, knowing full well she didn't deserve to cry. Waiting for Rachel's response, her stomach bottomed out; she felt as though she were spiraling down an endless dark tunnel, with no way of knowing when the bottom would finally come.

Rachel slowly sat down on her bed. She felt numb, and cold. So, so very cold… "You… Why?" Tears formed in her eyes, falling without her consent, and her voice cracked. "Santana.. I don't…" Then, brokenly, her shoulders sagged, and a heart-broken sob wracked her body as she stared at the girl in front of her helplessly.

"I don't—- I don't what else I can do," she finally got out. "I… I'm never going to be enough, am I?" The tears increased, blurring her vision, and she shook her head at herself, staring down at the floor, her hands shaking. "It'll always be Brittany. You'll love me, but never like her. I can't ever compete with that. Not— not with her. She-" Another sobbed tore through Rachel, and she slowly slid off the bed, curling up on her floor. "She'll always h-have you. And you're heart. Always. Even when—- Oh God Tina…"

She looked up at Santana, shaking her head. "Please leave, Santana… Just… I can't do this anymore… I can't. I've tried. I've tried so hard to just trust that I'd be enough, that— that I could be your Brittany someone. But I'm not. I never— hic—- I never will be. Ever. And she's the one you—" Rachel couldn't finish, and she finally broke down completely, clutching her knees to chest.

She had been right all along… Santana would always go back to Brittany, no matter how much she claimed to love Rachel.

"I'm sorry," Santana whispered, her tone helpless, barely audible. "I'm sorry…it was just…I wanted to not grow up, and not have things change, and…and…"

It sounds so stupid, so weak and ridiculous, and above all, so immature to say that aloud now, truthful as it might be. How could she explain, how could Rachel ever understand that she had cheated on her because she wanted to stay a child?

As Rachel broke before her, beginning to cry, sobbing that she was not enough for her, that she would always love Brittany instead. It killed Santana to see; her entire body ached with genuine pain to watch Rachel's reaction, to know that it was she who had caused her such pain. Tears now streaming down her own cheeks, she stepped forward, one hand extended, but stopped short of touching her.

"Rachel, please…no. It's not…that's not true…I love you, I love you so much, I want you more than anything….but…I'm just stupid and…please, Rachel, tell me how to make this right. Please."

Shaking her head slowly, Rachel couldn't bring herself to look at Santana. Her words just sounded… empty. Not because she Santana sounded insincere, but because she had heard it over and over again, and Santana still drifted away from her. Because Rachel just… wasn't enough. Even if the other girl refused to admit it.

Finally, taking a shuddering breath, Rachel sniffled, pushing some of her hair out of her face and wiping at her tear-stained cheeks. "I—" she choked, breathing in hard again, trying to get the words out. "I need—- I need space. I just. I don't—" Another sob interrupted her, and it took a moment for her to be able to speak again. "I don't know— if I can keep d-doing this. It just—- It hurts so much, Santana."

Finally, Rachel managed to force herself to look at the cheerleader, and her eyes filled with tears all over again. "I hate not knowing i-if I can trust you. And— and I— I hate feeling like I just can't be enough. I don't want to be scared of— of your friendship with Brittany. And I hate feel so— so jealous. So… We just… I need space. I don't know for how long. But… you can… You can s-see other people. Maybe… maybe we're just not… Maybe we're just not meant to happen. You know…?"

Her chest ached so bad, felt unbearably tight, as though there was a constant pressure pushing down on her ribs and her heart. And she felt sick. Dizzy almost.

The worst part is that she wanted to go back in time, pretend this had never happened, and just have Santana hold her. But that wasn't going to happen.

Maybe never again.

Santana sucked in an unsteady breath, one hand moving up unconsciously to press hard against her heart. She shook her head, tears still streaming, faintly at first, then harder, denying what Rachel is asking of her. She can't do this. Rachel can't mean this. She can't be asking her to leave, not really. She can't be telling her to see other people…no…

"No," she choked out, and she does grab for Rachel's hand now, a sob escaping her before she can choke it back. "No, I don't want to see other people. I don't want to leave. I want you. We are meant to happen. We are. I want you, Rachel. I'm sorry…please…"

Even she knows how hard it would be to trust her words and intentions. Even she knows that she cannot possibly seem truthful, though she means every word. How can she expect Rachel to really believe her?

Rachel clenched her eyes shut tightly as Santana took her hand, flashes of the significance of their hand-holding racing through her mind. It made her heart ache all the more, and slowly, so slowly, she withdrew her hand. Doing so felt like a stab in her gut, twice over, and she shook her head again. "Please, San," she begged, back to curling herself up tightly in a ball on her floor. "Please go. If you— if you love, then —- Please."

If Santana stayed, Rachel would give in. She knew it. She'd forgive Santana everything, push it back, an try to pretend that it never happened. And she couldn't do that to herself, or to Santana.

And honestly, Rachel wasn't sure what hurt the most anymore; letting Santana in, over and over again, only to get hurt… Or trying to finally let the girl go.

Santana wanted to stay. She wanted to fall at Rachel's feet and beg her to forgive her even more fervently, to kiss her all over and force her to let her hold her, to try to take away emotional pain with physical touch. She wanted to refuse to leave her no matter how much Rachel asked for it. She wanted to so badly, and she almost did.

But Rachel was telling her to go. Rachel was telling her if she loved her she would leave, and Santana did love her. She had to show Rachel this, show her that she did respect her wishes. So with extreme reluctance, shooting glances back at her over her shoulder, Santana left the room, whispering back one more time, "I love you. Please, please believe I love you."

She is crying so hard by the time she gets back to her car that she doesn't even attempt to drive for a good twenty minutes, and even when she does start she still has to pull over twice to catch her breath and recover enough to try again. By the time she gets home she only has time to distantly be grateful that her mother is working late that day as she heads straight to her room and throws herself into her bed, continuing to cry until she aches.

She is more than certain she's managed to ruin her life over this. What is her life without either her lover or her best friend?