After my talk with Finnick I feel drained and lifeless, empty of feeling or emotion. I go into a shut down mode. I stop talking to anyone, even Finnick. I become a emotional Avox.
No one bothers me much or tries to talk to me they simply bring me my food and leave. I spend my time replaying the events of the last year in my head, the good and the bad, over and over. The nightmares comes with a vengeance because Peeta is not here to keep them at bay.
The only time I speak is when I talk to her, my little Iris. I tell her only the good parts of mine and Peeta's story. I know that the truly bad parts are soon to come and someday she will learn of them and I wonder how she will react.
I tune out the words that everyone says until they become a hum of insects, the buzz of the tracker jackers or whatever was in that one slice of the arena. But one day a voice comes that I can't tune out.
"Hey Catnip." I don't want to turn, I don't want to face him. I don't want to face the unanswered questions and unsaid things, but he knows me like no one else does. In a way that even Peeta doesn't know me.
I turn and try to keep my shock in check. He stands with his arm in a sling, his face bares the marks of a recent burns, and I bandages under his shirt. My mind tries to reason this out with my last images of him.
"Hey Gale." I try to smile but I know it's fake and forced, he knows this too.
"What happened?" He looks uncomfortable a flash of hesitation on his face. I haven't forgotten about Peeta, I have simply remembered that there are other people who need my attention. "What happened?" I ask again and he looks more pained. "Prim and my mother?"
"They're both fine Katniss worried about you but fine. I got them out in time." This brings a million questions to the surface and they all fight to be asked and answered.
"Got them out? Out of where? They're not in District 12? Where are they?" I ask and I feel like my insides are twisting into knots as the silence drags on.
"They came with planes. Firebombs. The Hob was nothing compared to what the firebombs did to the Seam and the rest of the District."
"So they're not in District 12 anymore?" I feel like saying this over and over will somehow protect me from the truth, hold the floor gates at bay a bit longer.
"Katniss." His hand comes to rest on my cheek and the way he repeats my name threatens to break me. His voice is soothing and gentle the way he speaks before delivering the death blow to an animal or comforting Posy when she hurts herself playing.
"What happened? My voice is just a whisper but I know the gate is almost open so I prepare for the flood.
"Katniss."
I feel the tears start to flow and he wipes them away. "Don't...please...don't say it."
"It's gone Katniss." I try to cover my ears block out the sound but he stops me. "There is no District 12 Katniss."
"No! No!" I sink to the ground and he lets me. I press my hands to my stomach to hold in the vomit that threatens to spill out of me.
"Katniss...please calm down. They're safe." He says and the words are hollow as they hit my ears.
"Not everyone is, some had to die. Not everyone got out and the ones that didn't I killed. I killed them! It's all my fault! I killed them." I feel the sobs start to build, that awful sound that comes with them stings at my throat.
"Katniss!" The sharp slap of his voice pulls me out of my head and back into reality. I look up and he is holding his hand out to me. I take it and he pulls me up. "You didn't do it Katniss. Snow did it, he ordered the bombs."
"Because of me. I shot that force field, I destroyed the arena so he destroyed my home. Took Peeta, Johanna, Annie and God only knows who else. Because of me."
He takes my hand and leads me to the bed. I sit and he sits beside me. "You have to stay calm. Finnick told me that you need to stay calm because of..." His voice trails off but I can finish his sentence.
"The baby." It's a whisper but he tenses so I know he heard it. In this moment I worry that I will lose him along with everything else that was taken from me.
"Finnick told me about her and I wanted to make sure you where ok."
The flood gates have opened and I have been over taken by the water. "I'm never going to be ok again. I've lost Peeta to the Capitol, Snow's going to torture them to get back at me and Finnick. I can't lose anyone else. I have to stay alive for her but what life do I have without Peeta. I did this for him. I didn't want..."
"You don't want the baby?" He says slowly and his words sound sickening as they hit my ears, the truth in his tone.
"No I didn't want any of it. Didn't want to fall in love with Peeta didn't want to keep that promise. Didn't want to get married or have this baby. I don't want her to pay for our mistakes. Victor's children get reaped more often. Peeta wanted her so I gave him what he wanted."
"But it's real now for you Katniss? You really do love him?" I hear the pain in Gale's voice and I know I can't comfort him.
"I need to rest. Can you come back later?" I feel selfish for asking but that's what I am and Gale knows this.
"Yeah. I need to go talk to Plutarch anyway. I'll be back with dinner."
He leaves the room and the empty feeling just grows deeper.
