Chapter 52: Canon-ness
Tia: Look, I need a few more ingredients! I need... this one's hard... character development... (as soon as she says this, James smashes the Suethor over the head with a bracket again, making her dash around behind some crates, hissing.)
"That's sort of character development, isn't it? Instead of being a nervous wreck like usual?" Jack asked.
James: (indignantly) I'm not a nervous wreck!
"Exactly," Jack said with a nod.
James: No... it's just that... (closes eyes) I'm over Elizabeth. (immediately, a few red sparks of ooc-ness come out of his mouth. He snaps his mouth shut, looking shocked.) Okay, maybe I'm not.
Tia: Oh, it'll do, (she grabs some white sparks that came out as he admitted still loving Elizabeth Swann.)
"Uh, what was happening?" Barbossa had now finished the apple. A Sue leapt in the air, trying to tackle him, and he threw the apple core at her face in a last-ditch attempt to get rid of her. startled, she lost her footing, and Barbossa tripped her to the ground, before stamping on her face. Well, he never went to Charm School, did he?
Davy: This is too easy. (he is immediately overrun by Sues)
"This is so confusing!" Elizabeth sighed, "One minute it's past tense, but the bits in brackets are present tense, and the speech is just all over the place! This writing is horrible!"
"Yeah, mixing up script-writing and speech is just a bad idea," Bootstrap said with a shrug, "But this entire story's been screwed up so far, so..."
Tia: (interrupting) Hello? Help with the ingredients, please? Just start being all canon!
"How many times do I have to say 'bugger savvy compass hat beastie' in one sentence?!" Jack asked, bewildered, "How can I get more canon? Apart from, of course... this is the day that you'll all remember as they day you nearly caught..." He trailed off. Everyone who wasn't fighting stared at him. "Interrupt me then!"
Davy: With pleasure, (he rugby tackles Jack) Do you fear that dark abyss? All your deeds laid bare?
Tia: I'm afraid you're going to have to add 'ah' to the end of everything you say like in those disgusting OOC fictions about you that are so annoying they make me want to rip all of my dreadlocks out... it's more canon.
Davy: Can't people just imagine the 'ah's?!
James: Apparently not...
"I think it's 'uh', actually..." Bootstrap said, as he brought his plank in a downwards curve and swept about four Sues out of the way with the strike. He and James ended up fighting back-to-back.
James: OMG! You're the one that kicked me!
"Uh... Omuhguh?" Bootstrap asked, confused. James shook off his chatspeak-ness.
James: I meant... you killed me! Bastard!
Will: (angrily) You leave my father alone!
Davy: Yeah, I was the one that was really responsible for your death... (Tia frowns at him) ...ah. Death-ah. I-ah was-ah the-ah one-ah that-ah...
Tia: Okay, okay, shut up. (a Sue stands on her tail, and she yowls, before turning to bite the Sue and dive between her legs.)
"I still think it's 'uh'..." Bootstrap muttered.
"Take that! An' that! Yahahaharrr!" Barbossa cried. They all turned to stare. He seemed to be throwing endless amounts of apples at the oncoming tide of Sues – more were swarming down the stairs every second. They blinked.
"waht the fuk?/??/" the Suethor asked, which pretty much summed up their thoughts.
"I'm just seizing the initiative," Barbossa shrugged, continuing to draw apples in the air with PP2's pen. Then he added, "Arr! Arrrgh!" For canon.
"Stop wasting the pen, Hector," Jack rolled his eyes and grabbed it off of Barbossa, who just shrugged and drew a cutlass, still battling it out with the Sues. Jack turned towards the messy and badly-described battle scene in front of him... it was terrible. The Suethor was against Will and James – Bootstrap was still back-to-back with James, fighting with a couple of Sues. Elizabeth was using a plank to knock down rows of the Sues, and Davy was using his crab claw to his advantage, bashing Sues into submission, if that made any sense. And now Barbossa entered the fray.
Tia: Jack! T'is is madness! But I only need a little bit more of canon-ness! How can I get it, t'ough? I'm speaking as Jamaican as I can, damnit!
"I don't know... what's really, really, really canon?" Jack wondered aloud, kneeling down to stoke the Tia Dalmatian on the head. She tossed her head in annoyance, sending her floppy ears a-waggle.
Tia: I don't know... isn't it... I can't remember. What is the absolute trademark for Pirates of the Caribbean? The thing it's known for? (pause as they both think)
James: lyk, duh! Swashbuckling!
"By Jove, he's got it!" Jack cried, snapping his fingers. Then he glared at James. "Try to come up with a better idea next time."
Tia: No, Jack... I think he's onto something! Swashbuckling... It's the heart and soul of an adventure escapade like Pirates of the Caribbean!
"But how do we Swashbuckle?" Jack asked, "In fact, hasn't this entire story been rather full of an attempt at Swashbuckling, making this story in fact, a Swashbuckler?"
"What, xXoCeaNRoMaNCeLoVeXx?" Barbossa asked as he went past, duelling with a Mary Sue who was in a full leather jumpsuit and fighting with two swords.
"No, the parody," Jack said.
Tia: This is confusing. We're not meant to know we're in a parody.
"Oh, we're not? My mistake... apologies," Jack said.
NB: Hmm! Things are getting... well, confusing. But, by Jove, he's got it! They're onto something! But what? Well, you'll just have to wait and see, because the next chapter brings the story ever so closer to the end... (well, so does every chapter, really, but... you know. Plot development and all.)
Tune in next time for... Chapter 53 - Swashbuckler!
