OK folks - here's the big final chapter of Clean. I would love to know what you guys thought of this episode as it was a pretty big one. For Vigil I am going to be following the style of the show and having a flashback centred around different characters in each chapter set at different times to develop certain themes. Some times may be revisited across chapters and others may be a one off. I hope it isn't confusing and more so that you enjoy the style! May be a few days before posting though. Enjoy!
Kasey stepped off the bus at Mike's apartment block. She had managed to creep out of the basement and up to her Moms' room to retrieve her confiscated phone and made her way straight there. She was already going to be in a lot of trouble as she had little intention of coming home any time within the next couple of hours. She didn't want to disappear, just be not in that house. If she had her phone she could call in a favour from a friend if needed and right now she didn't know what she would need. Working on autopilot, she got to his door and paused. Her determination and anger had propelled her here, but it didn't mean she was any clearer about what she was going to say.
She paused, her hand hovering above the door until finally she closed her eyes and knocked. It took him a few moments to come to the door but as he opened it his shoulders dropped.
"Your Moms know you're here this time?" he asked, trying to keep his tone gentle.
"No, but I'm sure they'll find out." she replied firmly.
"You here to apologise for what happened before?"
"No." she shook her head. She wanted to stay strong and be mad that he suggest something so trivial but all of the anger and emotion was filtering through as tears rapidly filling her eyes.
Seeing her so distraught Mike immediately dropped his armour and pulled her in to the apartment, softly rubbing her arm.
"Kasey, what's wrong?"
She wrenched herself away from him and walked away coolly. Sniffing and trying to find her confidence.
"Why do you do it?" she finally croaked out, Mike staring at the back of her head, confused.
"Do what, Kasey?"
She let out a desperate laugh and turned to him.
"You know what." she replied.
Mike twigged onto her meaning and immediately dropped his head in denial. Shaking it, he faced her eyes.
"Honey, this has all got blown of proportion. I don't have a problem."
"No! You never do." she replied immediately, still fighting the tears from falling out of her eyes. "You never have a problem until it starts affecting other people, and even then you still don't see it. You just make some token effort to keep them happy.
Mike creased his eyebrows in frustration. He didn't want to seem angry but his staunch defiance was taking over
"Is this just because you're annoyed about your cafe? Your mad because you think I did it because I was drunk?"
Kasey shook her head with a quivering smile.
"You don't get it, do you? I'm not pissed because I can't go to a stupid cafe, Dad. I'm pissed because you don't even remember it!"
"I do remember it -"
"Well then you're a pretty shitty father! And sure as hell not the one who raised me. Not the one I want to remember anyway."
Mike shook the comment away, clenching his fists.
"You're just mad at me because I'm putting my foot down."
"Just keep telling yourself that, Dad. Go on! Tell yourself it is because I'm a teenager, or because Mom's overreacting or because your wife left you and you need to relieve the tension."
He sighed heavily, knowing the last jibe was alluding to his past. A past that he had always hoped his children weren't privy to.
"Kasey, I know it was hard during the divorce but things just got a little out of hand - "
"A little out of hand?" finally the first tear escaped, her voice scratching above her composure. "Do you have any idea what it's like? Seeing your parents fall apart and then one day not be able to find your father?"
Mike shook his head in more confusion.
"Kasey it wasn't anyone's fault I had to leave..."
"I don't mean you leaving, Dad! I mean suddenly seeing you for the first time in weeks and wondering why you didn't even see us when you were looking at us! Why when you had your sunglasses on it seemed to blur out your vision! Why you suddenly hear your hero slurring or hear your Mom telling him not to bother coming to pick us up!" her voice ramped up almost into hysterics knocking Mike speechless. He stood there gawping and scrambling for air as she stepped forward, water now flinging of her face and her cheeks going red.
"Do you have any idea what it's like seeing one of the few people you love most in the world unravelling before you and not understanding anything except that you can do nothing about it?"
Mike rubbed his fingers down his forehead trying to keep calm at the realisations being flung at him. All of the truths he had happily ignored.
"I know it was bad Kasey, I'm sorry it affected you, that should never have happened but it was a dark patch, we came through it."
"And that makes it OK to go back again?"
He shook his head, still not seeing the parallel.
"We're not back there, slugger."
"Then why is there a bottle in your car!" she screamed, finally acknowledging the implications it had in their entirety - the anger and aggression and suppressed fear finally bubbling over the surface. Mike's throat cut his words off, a ball of lost words almost choking him.
He shook his head and turned away, putting in the missing pieces. "That's why you ran off."
She panted, trying to figure out where next to go. She had played all of her cards and if she still couldn't get through to him she was back in that place she had not wanted to go. Complete lack of control.
He pressed his palms firmly on the table, trying to shift the weight of his shoulders onto anything but himself.
Silence and motionless followed, except for the heavy breathing of both parties. Finally Kasey wiped a tear away as Mike's head began to softly shake again.
"You've got it wrong Kasey." he finally said for both himself and for her but only achieving her heart dropping even further.
"So that's it then." she croaked out. "That's just it. You don't have a problem." her voice fragmented into broken whispers as he turned back, reinvigorated by whatever lies his pounding denial had told him in his silent reflection.
"I may be drinking a little bit more but we're not back to where we were. The bottle in the car, OK, so it was a mistake. I'd had one bad day but I don't need it. I just never took it out again. I know this is scary because of what happened before but it's not like that anymore. I'm in control of it." he moved towards her and placed his hands on her arms. She studied the determination in his face but the desperation in his eyes didn't fool her for a second. She knew it too well and she broke into another desperate laugh, another tear flinging from her eye as she did.
"You're in control." she finally whispered, closing her eyes as another tear cascaded. "Well I'm not going to accept that you're the only one with control. Not this time." she paused for a moment before she ripped herself away from him and stormed to the kitchen.
"Kasey?" he shouted after her, confused as she began to storm through the cupboards.
"What are you -?" she ignored his protests as she yanked a bottle from his cabinet, flinging off the lid and emptying the contents to the sink.
"He lunged forward and tried to grab it but only succeeded in diverting its stream to splatter the counter. He babbled his excuses, all of them reverberating off Kasey's cloud of determination, equally as stubborn as Mike's.
She threw the empty bottle down and went into the fridge ripping out his beers. Opening two at a time she poured as the foam spilled over, just like the tears of anger streaming down her face. Mike managed to wrestle them away causing them to crash down onto the side in a foamy puddle and Kasey yelling out a shout of frustration and storming back to the living room. She grabbed the whiskey she had seen the other day, Mike running behind and similarly tore off the lid, autopilot zoning in on the bathroom, Mike not even trying to stop her but scampering behind.
He watched in horror as the final dregs left and she smashed it down onto the side, glass spilling across the tiles. Mike swooped in and swept her away with another yell.
"OK, enough! You need to stop, now! You're going to hurt yourself!" he gasped as she wriggled free. He already spotted some blood on her hand.
"I'm going to hurt myself?" she screamed back. "What about you?" she slapped his chest pushing him back even though the lack of strength caused him to barely sway.
"You don't care though do you? You don't care if you drink yourself into oblivion because you don't want us to care! Well you know what, Dad? I don't! I'm done! I'm done trying to pretend I can control this because I can't! I can't and I won't! I don't want this as a father and I'm not going back there! I don't want or need you as a father!" the tension was torn open by the sound of his phone ringing. Frustrated he looked and Lena's name flashed up.
Kasey watched him check.
"You can't even stay focussed on me for two seconds can you? Is that Danny wanting a drink?" her voice dropped low again, low and defeated.
"It's your Mom, they're probably wondering where you are...Kasey I need to get you home...we need time talk about this..."
She ignored the suggestion, only hearing her adrenaline pumping in her ears. She scraped both her palms across her cheeks. "Just answer, I'll get home myself." She whimpered, barely audible. "Tell them I'm coming. I'm not gonna share a car with you and your whiskey." her voice turned to spite as she spun around out the door as Mike's phone ran again. He stuttered towards her as she left before answering the persistent ring.
"Lena, Kasey just left is - wait, what?"
Kasey stormed away trying to catch the tears as they fell. She felt freed but trapped all at once and couldn't face the bus journey home. She felt her phone ring but let it ring off. Mike must have told Stef and she would be threatening her home. She was surprised she hadn't already swooped up behind her. That or maybe she was so angry Lena had insisted that she handle the correspondence and it was her who was buzzing in her pocket. She didn't care either way, she wasn't ready for another fight. Her phone rang again and she took it out. She felt a twinge of guilt opening the text.
"Call us please. We know you have your phone. Lots going on and we need you back. Xx"
She read the message and shook her head. Like she'd never heard that one before.
"I need some space. I'll be back later." she replied, not wanting them to worry but also not wanting to face them. If there really was lots going on they'd have bigger things to worry about. No doubt another Gretchen induced fight. As she put it down she realised that the cut on her hand was producing a lot more blood than she had realised. She had barely felt the pain of it at the time. She sucked at it, wincing as it stung, but it was the only thing she could do to tame the blood flow.
Before she knew it she had reached Scurro's, apparently again on autopilot. She got the door but then remembered the whole reason for the fight in the first place. She exhaled and rubbed her face with her un-hurt hand. The tears had stopped but the anger was still buzzing. She moved to turn before the sign of the bar she'd been with Liam caught her eye. Mike had put her in this position anyway, she may as well. She couldn't be in much more trouble than she already was. She probably wouldn't even get past the door anyway.
She made her way in and settled in the corner. She didn't even want to drink. Just a place to sit with a throng of noise to distract her from only hearing her thoughts. She stared at her hand again, pinching at it to try and suppress the beading of blood.
"It works better if you order a drink." a voice caught her attention. She immediately snapped her hand down. After a moment or two in ignorance that it was her that it was directed at, she looked up. She didn't know the man and instantly groaned. She did not need any creepy guys hitting on her tonight of all nights.
"So not interested." she replied, turning her face away.
"You sure? 'Cause pretty sure you owe me a drink." the voice replied with a soft giggle.
She creased her forehead and snapped her head around about to lay into him before realising she did recognise the face. Trying to figure it out stopped her words from appearing.
His pinpoint dimples and wavy blonde hair also were a mild distraction.
"I'm only joking, your douchebag boyfriend did give me five dollars. I was just hoping it may give me a chance to ask if you were OK. You left pretty quick."
It still took a few moments to process but she eventually identified him as the guy whose drink she had thrown over Liam.
She opened her mouth a couple of times before shaking off her confusion.
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognise you. And I'm sorry about the drink...look, this is a really bad time."
"Figured so. Kids usually come into bars with friends unless they're trying to be somewhere their parents won't find them. Trust me, I'd know."
He stopped short of sitting down but leaned on the back of the chair next to her.
Kasey looked at him edgily. "You gonna report me or something?"
"Why would I?" He shrugged. "I'm not exactly 21 either. Keep coming somewhere long enough no one asks questions." he smiled. "I will leave you alone if you want, but misery loves company. Don't worry, I'm not trying to hit on you or anything. I just know it's sometimes safer to bounce this thoughts of someone else instead of driving yourself insane."
Kasey gulped down, she couldn't deny his presence was making her calmer. There was something about him that radiated serenity. A soft presence that made her feel safer. He seemed so unassuming and oblivious, yet perfectly in sync. There wasn't a hint of a threat about him. Feeling a little less intimidated she moved her hand back up almost without thinking. As she did he noticed the cut and immediately sprung to action. "Your hand! You're bleeding." He noticed. She looked down at it and put it down again. "Really, it's nothing."
"It doesn't look like it. Jonny - you got a bandage or something?" He shouted over to the barman who twitched his head to another bar worker. The young man tossed a make shift first aid kit from behind the bar and the blonde haired gent quickly ruffled through for something resembling a bandage. There wasn't much in there but he pulled out a roll of white fabric.
Kasey eyed him nervously as he offered it towards her and she reluctantly held her hand out for him to wrap it up. It wasn't the most thorough of jobs but the negligible pain wasn't her top of her list in priorities.
"This wasn't the douchebag was it? I've not seen him here since that night."
"No." she gave a reluctant smile. She had barely thought about Liam since that night, not since Callie had begged her for normality.
"I just had a big fight with my Dad. I mean, he didn't hurt me, I just cut myself while I was screaming at him." She looked down, almost embarrassed.
The boy nodded knowingly in solidarity. "Ah, Dads. They go from your heroes to your worst enemy in the blink of an eye."
"You not get on with yours either?" Kasey asked nervously as the guy tapped on the back of the chair, studying the pattern he was making.
"You could say that." he chuckled. "I've recently had to move back in with mine and well, let's just say I've been here a lot more than I was before."
Kasey looked down at the table.
"Well who needs them anyway?" she mumbled. "It's not like they don't let you down when you try. Why bother?"
Her new companion shrugged. "I guess, but then you never know what it'll be like when someone's not there. I mean, we're all messed up, even our heroes. Doesn't mean you won't miss them when they're gone." He tied off the scruffy looking bandage and gave her a distracted smile.
Kasey looked up to him, pulling her hand away. She could see the regret in his eyes.
"Have you lost a parent?" she asked nervously, seeing a look in him that she'd seen in Callie.
"Yeah." he smiled sadly, a stark contrast to the conversation. "My Mom died and I lived with my grandma who also died recently."
"I'm really sorry..." Kasey replied, her own problem once again being eclipsed by someone she was realising he had things a lot worse than she did.
"I guess it's easy to forget that people have things a lot worse than you. Here I am saying I'd happily give up on my Dad when -"
"Hey, just because other people have it tough it doesn't mean you can't feel like your life sucks. Hell, people have it a lot worse than me." He watched as her gaze got lost in the table once again. He didn't want to push things and certainly didn't want to make her evening worse.
"Look, I need a refill, and I don't want to bug you or make you feel bad. I hope you sort things with your Dad and that your hand is - well, you may wanna get it wrapped up with something better than a bar kit! If you wanna talk first though, I'll be over there but if not, well I hope your evening sorts itself out." he smiled and squeezed her shoulder. "And when you do sort things out, and you will, to some level, just give your Dad a hug. You don't know when the next time you don't wanna kill each other will be." he winked and gave her a soft salute, flashing his dimples once again.
She watched him walk away towards another table. The last time she had seen him here she thought he was with friends. He'd just said that coming alone meant you probably had something on your mind and she felt a compulsion to try and help him like he had done to try and console her. Seeing others more broken than herself had always suppressed her own problems, often putting them in perspective and causing her protective instincts to kick in. She remembered the promise she made to Callie and had no intention of making the mistakes she'd made with Liam, but she still felt the urge to talk some more. She got up off her chair to follow him but was distracted by two men in police uniform. She recognised them both and was even more filled with dread as it became clear they were there for her. She looked down at he phone and had ten missed calls.
Was this another disproportionate reaction of her Dad? Or maybe her Moms really had been worried about her. She looked over to the young man, open mouthed who immediately ducked away to the side.
"Kasey?" one of the officers asked. "I work with your parents."
"I know. I'm sorry - look I wasn't drinking."
"We're not here for that Kasey." He responded, looking to his partner. "Listen, we need you to come with us."
Next Chapter Preview: Lena confronts her fears over Stef in the present and past:
"Nah. Shot out the window, though. One of our guys had to dive to avoid a face full of glass. Hey do you remember when you got kicked through that window, Foster?"
Lena dropped her fork with a startle a the image, causing silence around the table.
"I'm sorry." she stuttered. "Will you excuse me for a minute." she wiped her mouth and jumped up to the ladies, Stef watching her go.
