A random parody of the Walking Dead and the reality show The Real World. This is purely for humor and enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. I do not own the 'Walking Dead' or the 'The Real World.'
A/N: Merle's story is written in italics. I'm really into Spartacus (on starz) free promotion. So the epic tale was inspired by that.
The legend Of Rickous Grimous
Merle's confessional. "I've written my latest work of art, so I invited Mi-chonne, Sasha, and Andrea over to the house for the evenin'. I need everybody around to enjoy meh story."
A dark skinned woman walks down a golden isle clothed in vibrant orange. The air dances around her gown causing it to flow with each graceful step. Queen Michonne tolerates the kiss of her husband, the all mighty Phillipenis. A tall proud man, with dark voids for eyes and an untruthful smirk.
"Oh wife." He sighs. "I may have the kiss of your lips, but not the hold of your heart. No, that heart belongs to loosened bowls made flesh, Rickous Grimous, the gladiator."
"His breath is the roar to a lion, while yours is the last utter of a dying best slayed by him." The queen replies.
He strikes at her beauty with the harsh whip of his hand. "You are my queen you will not speak to me in such a way." He grabs her jaw, "AM I NOT MERCIFUL?!"
The queen stays stiff, still, and silent, she will not cower for him.
"I am queen to both swine and men, but sweet husband you are not worthy to be either." Her voice is coiled in hatred.
"Tonight you will lay with me and I will have my heir. You do this..." he examines her face cruelly, "you make me mar such a beauty."
The entire group is listening intensely. Pleasantly surprised, Sasha voices some praise. "Merle your story is off to a really captivating start."
"Is it Sasha? Because I'm getting beaten, threatened, and I'm married to the Governor." Michonne says with annoyance.
"I'm glad you like it Sasha." Merle says then glares at Michonne before he flips to his next page.
Hidden beneath a large black cloak, queen Michonne sneaks down into the dungeons. She approaches Rickous Grimous's cell and gently strokes at the worn down bars between them, bars that separate their love.
"Blood of my veins" the queen whispers.
"Beat of my heart" the gladiator replies.
Darylcuss who's a cell away sighs. "This be a damn romance scroll."
"Are you hurt, has he laid harsh touch upon your skin?" Rickous Grimous worries.
"Such matters do not warrant your concern...Phillipenis will see that you die in the arena tonight."
"I wish to have him part from this world, and your shoulders free of the burden he places upon them." He says, eyes flooded with love.
"Do not look at me in such a way" she scolds.
"Why must you grab my heart and clench it till its absent life? Do you not desire to hear it beating against your chest?"
"I must prepare myself, for if you leave this world without me I shall become a hardened woman. My heart will turn to soot and become poison to my very existence."
"If I die in the arena, know that the last word upon my lips shall be your name."
Abraham sniffles. "Damn this is heavy."
Rick nods his head clutching his pillow for comfort.
A lousy woman with straw spun locks and light heartless eyes, dances along the cells to fulfill the needs of any gladiator, who's faced with the uncertainty of survival in the area.
"Which one of you fine gladiators shall suck on my teat? I will give you no more then a simple drop of mother's milk. Merleous shall you be a lustful babe at my chest?"
Merleous is non to pleased by the sight of the lemon flavored succubus. "Countless men have died after tasting your cretinous drop, I shall send my dick to Tartarus before gracing your rancid cave with its presence."
Unable to fulfill her duties, she fades into the darkness, begging for another suitor to give her life meaning."
"Why am I a whore in this?" Andrea screams cutting Merle off.
"You not just a whore you a slave. you a whore-slave."
"This is a vile interpretation of woman in your story." She replies.
"This is an accurate interpretation of you! Don't bring all women into this. Michonne is a strong Nubian queen, now let me get back to my damn story."
Phillipenis and queen Michonne are seated high above the pit of the arena. Michonne clenches her jaw at the roaring of the crowd chanting for death and carnage. Phillipenis looks to his stoic queen.
"You loved me once."
"Did I?"
"Absent love, your gladiator will fall and you will bear my heirs. I suspect they shall be beautiful, as our love once was." He than places his hand on hers but she yanks it away.
"Shall I show you mercy again my queen?" He threatens to her unflinching gaze.
Phillipenis raises his hand out at the area, signaling for his guards to unleash the first two opponents. Two gladiators stumble out of darkness to face one another in the cold blooded death match.
Merleous's spear gleams in the light of the sun, as he rears his head back at their ruler in fury. His opponent was none other than his brother, Darylcuss.
"I will not fix hands nor weapon to destroy blood of my own!" Merleous screams out as the crowd grows louder with blood lust. A high thumb is raised in the air before turned upside down forcing the brothers to begin. The guards ready their spares. If the brothers do not fight they will both be slaughtered without honor. Darylcuss prods his brother gently with the tip of his sword.
Phillipenis is not satisfied with the child's play before him and wants a massacre. "Kill or be killed, blood shall be spelt today, by your hand or mine. Choose!" Phillipenis demands of the older brother.
"I shall sooth his pallet with the blood of my flesh, so that you may live on Merleous-" Darylcuss shouts towards his beloved brother then pierces his all mighty arrow through his own sacrificial heart.
Tears fill his brother's eyes, as the clear diamonds roll against his check. Merleous falls to his knees and trows his weapon towards the sun stained earth.
"Daaarrryyylllcuuussss!" Merleous fumbles over towards his brother as the guards look towards their rulers. Phillipenis's face is laced with a poisonous smile.
Merleous cradles his dying brother before a spear pierces Merleous' ribs at the call of their ruler. Spars rain down upon the two brothers as time slows and the two siblings are showered in one another's blood.
"May... may our souls return back home to our birth place... I shall see you in... RedNeckia." Merleous whispers with blood kissed lips as he dies above his brother.
Queen Michonne lets out a sigh of boredom before Phillipenis signals for his guards to drag the bodies away.
"Just like Daryl sacrificing himself for others." Rick snorts sadly.
"But my brother still died though. Like if they wanted blood they could have just taken it from me, why they gotta kill my brother too? I sacrificed myself for nothing?"
Abraham explains to Daryl. "When evil people try to kill your friends they don't care if you sacrifice yourself. They gonna watch you die then kill everyone off anyway. Comprende?"
"Dammit y'all stop interrupting the story, I already had to skip all the sex scenes cuz damn Carl's in the room."
"I can listen to it I don't mind." Carl shrugs.
"You wanna hear about how you mamma and daddy do it? Ya pig!" Merle points shaming Carl.
"What else do they do besides kiss I don't get it?" Carl asks.
"Well Rickous Grimous rips off queen Michonne's cloak, she aint got nothing on underneath then he grabs her against the bars and inserts two fingers into her-"
"Merle!" Michonne shouts cutting him off as Rick throws a pillow at him.
"You will not corrupt my son's innocence. He barely got any left." Rick yells.
"I was giving him the cliff notes version! Anyways I'll get to the main event."
Rickous Grimous comes out to the center of the area. He's pelted with dung but stands strong before his queen who rises from her seat breathless at the sight of her lover. "Shall my heart know no happiness...why must the Gods curse me so?" Phillipenis rises from his seat and grabs the hand of his dark beauty, antagonizing the gladiator.
Rickous Grimous grips his long spear in furry, and with great aim sends the sharp weapon soaring across the sky. Phillipenis' sways from direct danger, but not quickly enough as it dashes across his face, and his not so mighty left eyes is left dangling from its socket.
Michonne holds her stomach belting out in laughter as does Rick, Carl, and Andrea. This is all to hilarious for them.
"That was supposed to be sad." Merle sulks.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry continue." Michonne says as Merle gets back into the story.
The evil ruler vibrates with rage, the dangling eye swinging with ferocity. "This man has struck your emperor, and pried himself between the legs of your willing queen-"
"Wait did he just out me in front the entire arena?" Michonne asks.
Daryl picks his nails. "If that were me, I wouldn't tell everybody that there was somebody else banging my wife. He needs to clam his beep down."
"Dammit you just broke up the intensity, I can't reach the climax if y'all keep on interrupting me!"
"Abrahamous the red doom from the fiery pits of hell-"
"Why are y'all always equating me to the devil? Like are y'all racist against redheads or did I do something wrong?"
"Beeping demon" Rick mumbles.
Merle clears his throat. "Please y'all gotta let me finish this story."
The mountainous beast adorned with the pelt of a reddened bear and metal claws stands towering over the pint sized gladiator Rickous Grimous. Rickous Fearlessly holds up his fists since he stupidly through his spear at Phillipenis.
"You've sent the blood bear against him?" The queen questions in outrage. "You've shammed me isn't that enough?"
"When this is all done I shall serve you his blood as wine. So you may feel him inside you one last time."
"I would rather drink his blood to feel him once more then to stand the sight of your eyes upon me."
"More like eye, but..." Daryl cuts in.
"Daryl! God dammit!" Merle shouts.
The queen is furious but poised as she stares down at her lover, the breeze blowing her dreads in slow motion as a fearsome gasp escapes her lips seeing the giant preparing to face against her heart's desire.
As the satanic creation that is Abrahamous strikes, he claws at Rickous's Grimous. The smaller gladiator screams in pain as three red gashes mar his exposed chest. Queen Michonne is beside herself, but she thinks quickly and rushes by her power crazed husband to grab the spear. She throws it into the arena. It lands firmly into the sand.
The man in love looks up at his savior before rolling between the wide space of his giant red opponent's legs. He grabs his returned weapon and roars piercing it through the giant's back. Bright red blood dashes against Rickous Grimous's face and chest, the queen's gown explodes off her body from the sight of rushing blood against her lover's body.
Michonne gets up and walks away.
"Dammit Michonne you gotta be here for the ending." Merle says watching her walk off.
Phillipenis is in the arena with Rickous Grimous. He finds it suitable for an emperor of his caliber to strike the gladiator down, it would shattered his wife's heart as an added delight. Rickous is punched, slammed, and kick around like a rag doll in hand to hand combat with the raged ruler. The fight is unfair, Rickous, is tired and weakened and Michonne no longer in his sights, his own blood has blinded him.
"You will die by my hands! Hades himself will part your cheeks for further ramming, whilst in the underworld!" Phillipenis then grabs Rickous Grimous by the throat and suffocates him. Breath after breath is shorter as Rickous utters his last word "Michonne." In his weakened state, he clings to life, his fingers are numb but fate guides his hand to feel for a dagger hidden on the hip of his soon to be victor. He grips the dagger and plunges it into Phillipenis's throat with a lion's roar. Rickous Grimous is once again clothed in rich red blood.
"Ahhhh! Hell beeping yea! Rick you don won!" Daryl says cheering.
"Do I end up with the queen? Come on Merle finish." Rick rushes.
The guards part for their queen as she happily sees her beloved. She flows like a dream, re-dressed in white, as the battered gladiator weakly rises to his feet. But then his heart stops at the sight of her hands grasping at her bloodied chest, soaking white fabric against skin in deep dark red. Queen Michonne's body descends.
"Nooooooo!" Rickous Grimous screams to see the golden haired whore, knife in hand, while the good queen lay dying on the blood soaked sands of the arena pit. Rickous rushes towards Michonne on the ground and cries cradling her within his arms. "Why would you do this?" Rickous Grimous screams at the sickening sight of the yellow haired piss of a human being above him.
"I am a lecherous demon from the seed soaked graves of hell. I am neither woman nor mortal, but a plague here to destroy the truest love among the earth."
Michonne's blood covered lips part to speak as Rickous Grimous holds her near. "The last words upon my lips..." she lets out a faint sigh. "Rickous Gri..." her last drying breath would not let her finish such a phrase. The golden haired whore vanishes within the air, leaving a pile of semen in her absence. Rickous Grimous lifts his queen's body in his arms and carries her through the arena, as pure white flower petals showers him from the Queen's people who were all weeping at her loss.
Rick, Abraham, and even Daryl are crying the manliest tears they can muster, as Andrea is sitting there looking confused. "You literally had me stab Meesh in the back, and kill her. And I aint a pile of semen you piece of beep!"
"Its literal and metaphorical. I told you it was an accurate interpretation of who you are Andrea."
