The last time I had to say goodbye to a friend was when I left Arcadia—I've been thinking a lot lately about Seria and Kawasaki, about that shocking kind of loss leaving them behind made me feel. I'm not used to goodbyes being this casual; being as cut-and-dry as me seeing Andore off at the airport.
"I'll be back eventually." He flashes a smile. "This city will have another tournament."
"I'm sorry you have to leave like this," I say. "They should've given you another shot."
"Even if it gives us another opportunity to beat you?"
"Oh, don't get your hopes up."
He laughs. "It's not a terrible loss. We had fun. Got some more exposure outside of our usual circuit. And I met you."
I shift nervously.
"Oh, don't look so perturbed." He steps in toward me a little and takes my hand. "You're quite a woman, Silvan. And it's become pretty obvious that everyone you touch might just be in love with you, too."
"Please don't," I say.
"You were so alive out there," he says. "Against Catastrophe? I swear you're a born Turbo Duelist. And your team adores you. I wish you could have seen how ecstatic you all looked. The way you were smiling."
I wring my hands. "I don't understand what you're trying to tell me."
"I'd like to stay in touch with you, if that's okay," Andore continues. "I'll be quite happy if you give me a chance to treat you right, but I'm not sure you will. You have plenty of happiness here, plenty of capacity for love like you deserve, and not much space for me."
"I'd—I would like to keep you as my friend, Andore."
"I'm grateful for that. And I wish you luck in the rest of the tournament. I'll be rooting for you from home."
"Thank you."
He gives me a hug, pulls his hat down a little, then goes to brave the crowd of people hoping to catch him and his teammates in the terminal. I'm as sad as I am baffled; that was… bittersweet. I really don't know how to feel. I'm not sure what to think about what he said about me and my friends. Capacity for love 'like I deserve'. I don't know. Don't know how to feel. There's a lot I didn't tell Andore about myself. There's a lot I'm starting to feel that I don't know how to classify.
I brave the traffic on the way back from the airport to get back to Poppo Time; it's Sunday and I'm meeting Aki and Carly at the cafe for the first time since Aki got hurt.
She woke up for the first time during the Riding Roid siege, is what I'm told. Her mark brought her back to consciousness and she had to be evacuated from the east wing because of the storm. There's a lot we don't know about that day, and the Riding Roids. Security is looking into it and into the rider responsible for the Roids that Yusei took on—somebody Yusei said called himself Placido.
Then there's Dark Glass—the person who cornered Yusei at the WRGP party—who reappeared to help with the Roids. Apparently Yusei succeeded at that new summon-type Dark Glass introduced: Yusei said it's called Accel Synchro.
He's… nervous. Twitchy, after all that happened. But he's not as bad as he was the first time he faced the Ghost. I think finally succeeding at that Synchro helped him a lot. Now, at least, he has a way to fight back that he knows will work.
And I'm… not really myself. Since seeing my brother overexert and letting the power of that storm course through me, I've felt different. Not quite new, but… not quite the same.
Aki is at the cafe when I arrive. Carly, nowhere to be seen, is probably still trapped at work.
"Hi," I say, sliding into my usual chair at our usual table. Aki has her hair loosely pulled back, and I can just barely see the bandage up on her forehead. She's wearing a pretty red t-shirt dress underneath a jacket—comfortable above all else today.
She blinks a few times. "I wasn't sure you'd come."
"Why wouldn't I?"
"I just… thought… you might still be mad."
"...about that?" I ask. "I mean. You said you were still thinking about it. I haven't been mad, just kind of miffed. And I did say that I wasn't not your friend because of it."
"I… I have been thinking a lot about it," Aki stammers. "I've been thinking it's probably a good idea to take your advice."
"Really?"
"...yeah." She picks at her nails. "I watched your duel."
"You did?" I say.
"Yeah. I've watched it a few times now, actually. It's been on almost all the sports recap channels. And my mom taped it."
"Oh."
"You looked so… alive," she says. "Different than I've ever seen. So focused and professional, and… and when it was all over, the way everyone rushed to you was… something I've never seen."
"I just did it out of obligation, Aki. You were hurt and so was Crow—somebody had to make Team Catastrophe pay for that."
"Yes, but you were good at it. Like you were a born competitor."
"That doesn't mean anything, though. I'm not a competitor, I'm a mechanic."
"You could be both," she says. "And when I watched that duel, I… I am a duelist, Silvan, you and I know that. But that's not my dream. I think I can amount to something different. Something that really fills me up inside."
"You're not… you're so good at everything, Aki. You're incredibly intelligent and you're passionate, I've never seen you look anything less than a 9—"
"But that will never be me," she says. "A riding duelist. That's not what I'm cut out for. I can get better, sure, just like I got better at standing duels in Arcadia. But I'm realizing that it's not what I want."
"...what do you want?"
"I'm… figuring it out." She shakes her head. "Yusei and I aren't cut out to be together. I think you were right about that. I was so angry when you told me that, I think I missed your point."
"Well… yeah…"
"I guess I thought he was more emotional than you said he was, but… then I realized he was only ever really emotional if you were there to drag him back."
"I'm not sure what you mean," I say.
"You're the one who's always there when he panics. When he gets angry. You're the only one that can calm him down. If… if you could see the way he looked at you, after that race, Silvan—"
"I… don't know what you're trying to tell me."
"...me neither, really. My point is that I can't really know someone that won't let me see what they're suppressing. And I can't love someone I don't really know. Not like that, anyways."
I look for what I'm going to say. "I'm sorry, Aki."
"I'm sorry, too. I'm sorry it took me an injury to think it all over."
"I'm sorry if I was so harsh. I didn't mean to hurt you."
"I know you didn't. I didn't mean to ice you out."
"I know you didn't mean for that, either." She reaches for me across the table. "I really am proud of you for that. And about the Riding Roids, I heard about that too."
"I… didn't do as much as I should have," I say.
"You helped," she replies. "That's more than enough. You used to just think about the prospect of helping. Taking action is big."
"But I could have done more."
She reaches to grab my hand. "Silvan… I saw you. When the tornado hit."
I don't say anything.
"You put it out like a fire. And not even a big one. One second it was there, the next, it was gone."
"...I…"
"How are you feeling? Are you okay?" Her eyebrows pull together. "You haven't shown any sign of being hurt."
"That's the thing," I murmur. "I… I feel fine. I feel better, even, but not quite—not quite like myself."
"I've never felt power like that," Aki says. "Especially not from you. I mean, I've always known you were capable of strength, but that was a level of it that I never anticipated."
"I'm—I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say."
"You could try to tell me why." She pauses. "Maybe. If you think you can."
"Why?" I echo.
"What changed? It was like… like something opened in you. A door you've always kept closed." She visibly shifts in her seat. "Even now, you feel different. I can feel that you're different."
"I just…" I wring my hands. "I knew I could help. Or, at least, if anyone could try, I could."
Her tone of voice falls flat. "You didn't once think that it could have killed you?"
"I mean. No," I admit. "That power, that—that part of me has never made me feel unsafe. I used to be afraid of it, but now it's just… it's kept me alive this long. It's gotten me through so much."
"...you can't keep depending on it and hope it'll hold up, Silvan. That's going to get dangerous quicker than you think."
"I know I shouldn't," I say, "but is it wrong that it feels so permanent? Like the only thing that's ever been there to keep me going? I never would have survived Divine without it. The Dark Signers. I've had close calls since then that absolutely should have killed me."
"I just want you to be more careful," Aki says. "My powers were what put me in the hospital."
"You—Aki, you can't blame what happened with Team Catastrophe on your powers—"
"They failed me," she interjects. "I tried to use them, to catch myself, but they failed me."
"...oh."
She retracts her hand from mine. "Even now, I can't feel anything. I've tried. When I reach, nothing talks back. None of my cards will Physicalize, or anything."
"You don't feel any different to me," I murmur.
"But I am different. We're both different."
I fold my hands. "I guess so."
"...how is Evan?"
"Fine," I say. If she saw me, then, she must've seen him too. I should be chastising her for standing too close to windows during a twister. "He's still a little disoriented. It's affecting him way more than episodes like that affect me."
"I can imagine why," Aki answers. "Wasting is as physical as it is mental, but your other gifts… they're all physical. You let energy in and out of you whenever you feel like it. I can't imagine what it was like to put all of that through yourself."
I don't answer at first, mostly because I don't know how to put it into words.
"I feel like it was the right thing to do. The right risk to take," I say at last. "Otherwise, would either of us still be sitting here?"
She shifts uncomfortably.
"I don't know," I mutter. "Guess it doesn't matter."
"It—It does matter."
"I don't know," I repeat. We sit there in silence for a moment, and I can see her expression grow heavy, as if with the words she's thinking about saying.
Suddenly, there's—Crow, of all people, standing next to our table. His jacket's draped casually over his shoulders, masking most of his sling.
"Uh, hey you guys," Crow says. "Hi."
"...hi," I say. "What's up?"
"I just, ah…" He chews on his lip. "Can we talk?" He points between himself and Aki. "You and I?"
"Carly should be coming soon," I say, bewildered as to why he's here.
He blinks at me. "Carly's hanging out with Jack."
"Oh." I wiggle my chair out and stand. "I guess I'll… see you, then, Aki."
Crow mouths 'thank you' to me as I start away from the table. Gods know what he needs a private conversation with her for; I just hope it's nothing bad. Still, I wish Carly had texted us or something.
Odd as it was, Crow was kind of a welcome reprieve. I don't know what that conversation was, or what it could have devolved into. I'm still not quite sure of what Aki wanted to tell me. I'm still much more worried about what I did, about that tornado, than relieved.
I left the door to the apartment unlocked, and it still is, when I get back inside. Evan is on the couch, leaning over the coffee table, Kiryu's feet propped up on his lap.
"What are you working on?" I ask. I don't recognize the sketch out in front of him.
"I'm bored so I'm thinking about building that tattoo machine we talked about a bit ago."
"Oh?" I ask, interested suddenly. I've been thinking of getting another tattoo, maybe when I turn twenty and my license actually lists me as twenty. At this point, I don't know if Inoue would still recognize me.
"As long as Silvan is the one operating it," Kiryu retorts.
Evan throws him an annoyed, but soft, look. "Also, Sil, would you mind cleaning up my runner blueprint? Just whenever you have time."
"I have time right now," I say. "Where is it?"
"I can get it." Evan moves Kiryu's legs off of his lap and leans to kiss him quickly as he stands up. Then he goes to rifle through the umbrella stand by the loft stairwell that we've taken to using for blueprints.
Kiryu picks Evan's cell phone up off of the coffee table and, I think, checks the time. "Babe, while you're up, did you take your pills?"
Evan groans, stops in his tracks, then goes and whacks open one of the kitchen cabinets; he retrieves a prescription bottle off of a shelf, presumably in answer. "I super hate this."
"Is… is there a time you were told to stop taking them?" I ask, remembering a week ago when I had to half-drag my near-dead brother into the hospital for help.
"Whenever I finish the bottle, I guess." He shakes a couple tablets into his hand and throws them back—dry, for some ungodly reason. He smiles sourly and says, "I dunno, is anemia supposed to go away?"
"That's… a little different than losing blood," I say.
"I mean, it helps, I guess," Kiryu adds. "I think you've just always been anemic. And they happened to have figured it out now."
I shoot Evan a look.
"What?" He says. He's back to rifling for his blueprint. "One doctor in Satellite. Also, I hate them."
"Explains why your info on autonomy is so lacking," Kiryu mutters.
"Thanks, babe," Evan retorts, picking a roll of paper out of the stand.
"You've already made the blood you lost back a few times over," I cut in. "But if it happens again, it'll be worse because of the anemia. You can keep getting iron supplements after the prescription runs out, just over the counter. It's good to just take them anyways."
"I'm not going to do that again, though—"
"You're damn right you're not," Kiryu says. "And if Silvan doesn't restock the medicine cabinet, I will."
Evan just kind of sighs, like he's not going to try to argue anymore. He weighs the blueprint in his hands.
It's quiet for a second, until he says, "How'd you do it?"
It takes me a moment to figure out that he's talking to me. "...do what?"
"The twister." He flexes his fingers. "It was… so much. I've never even tried to channel that much energy before."
"I… I had to let some things out in order for it to pass through," I admit.
He looks at me, bewildered for a moment, then practically whispers, "Where's your threshold?"
"...I don't know."
His expression changes from confused to alarmed to—something almost curious. "How much do you have right now?"
"I can't really ever be sure."
He crosses around the couch and holds his hand out for me, and when I set my hand in his, I can already feel him reaching out. Searching for something in me to absorb.
I don't know what he finds first, but when he does come across something in me, that coil of energy from him retracts, curling uncomfortably back into itself like a snake.
He swears. Takes back his hand. "...how do you keep all of that in you and—and not feel it?"
"I mean, I do feel it," I tell him. "It rattles around in me all the time. Like I'm full of rocks. I've just—I've learned not to focus on it."
"You do… realize what you're capable of, at this point, don't you?"
"I'm not sure what you're trying to say."
"Everything I absorb, everything I've ever absorbed," he says, "is within human means. Been a human creation, usually. Like heat or cold, or some smallish amount of force. I think the most I've ever Internalized was from a fall that might've broken a bone otherwise."
I swallow. "So why did you walk into that twister, if you knew you didn't have the capacity?"
"I didn't know where you were. If anyone could've done something, it might've been me." He pauses, like he's trying to search for the words. "I don't know. I had to try. Everyone else was holed up in that hospital. Crow and the kids and Kiryu and everyone who actually needed to stay there."
"You were willing to die so easily?"
"So were you."
"No, it's not—it's not the same."
"Isn't it?"
"No, it's not, because—" I swallow. "Because I'm capable. And something in me knew that. I didn't have anything to live for before this year, and I've survived much worse so…"
"So what?"
"I don't know." I shake my head. "...you know what? I don't want to do this right now." I reach to take the blueprint from him, and meet no resistance.
On my way toward the door Evan stammers, "Wh-Where are you going?"
"On a walk," I say. "I'm done being lectured about this today."
I let the door swing shut behind me. Maybe I'll just walk to the library from here. The blueprint will keep me busy. And the library's quiet. Nobody will bother me there. I hope.
From my back pocket, my phone buzzes.
Yusei Fudo: hey why do you look so upset
This odd sense of relief washes over me. Like oh, someone who might let me catch a break.
Silvan Levine: wtf
Yusei Fudo: oh sorry
Yusei Fudo: jack bruno carly & i are watching crow & aki out the loft window
Yusei Fudo: i realize that sounded really strange
Yusei Fudo: my b
I wipe my phone screen off on my jeans and type 'can i come ovr'.
Yusei Fudo: of course
Yusei Fudo: need to chat?
Silvan Levine: idk i might jus need 2 yell in ur gen direction for a bit
Silvan Levine: its been A Day
Yusei Fudo: yippee
I slip my phone back into my back pocket and trudge to the guys' front door, which is conveniently already unlocked. I've unfurled myself on the couch, blueprint under the coffee table, by the time Yusei comes down from the loft.
He rests his chin on the arm by my head. "And how are we feeling today?"
I fold my hands neatly on my stomach. "Well, doc, it all started when I was born."
"Very funny." He sits cross-legged on the floor next to the couch. "What's up?"
"I wanna go to sleep for the rest of my life."
"That's about how I feel on a daily basis."
I pause before continuing. "Also, why the hell is Carly with Jack upstairs? Why didn't she text me or Aki that she was bailing?"
"Oh, ah..." Yusei runs a hand through his hair. "They're, uh. Playing matchmaker."
It takes me a second for that one. "Oh."
"Yep."
"...I mean, they'd make a super attractive couple."
"That's what I said. But, also. Is Aki into Crow?"
"Ooh, that's absolutely out of my ballpark," I say. "Is Crow into Aki?"
"Not gonna lie, I thought that was pretty obvious."
"Not gonna lie, I have other things to worry about."
"Fair enough!" He shrugs. "Guess we'll find out what happens next."
"Guess so."
He pauses. I don't realize he's waiting for me to speak until he says, "So, anyways. You?"
"...I've had two separate people today chastise me about the tornado. Sorry I saved your lives, I guess."
He throws me an almost disappointed look.
"...sorry," I mumble. "Evan would have killed himself if I hadn't shown. I think Aki might be under the impression that I was trying to."
"Trying to off yourself?"
"I guess. But I was—aagh."
"I know you were… helping. In the no-warning, scary way that you do," he says. "I think they're allowed to be worried about you. They don't know your limits."
"I don't know my limits." I pause. "Is that why you don't seem worried?"
"My job is to worry about you, Silvan."
"Yeah yeah, but—"
He holds up his hand to cut back in. "What happened in Crash Town doesn't mean I don't worry about your limits. Half the time, I'm scared to death your body's just going to give up holding everything in. But you were just trying to help."
"Really? So you can't be mad with me because I played hero like you, then?"
"Do you want me to be angry with you?"
"No!"
"So what's the problem?" Yusei reaches to put his hand on my arm. "You trust me to do stupid things all the time. Like—Like going out to duel evil robots that give me nightmares or go on an impromptu road trip to talk my ex's ex out of his grave. But most of the time it's because, if I don't do it, who else will?"
"Is that really it? That's the way you rationalize it?"
"Isn't that the way you rationalized it, in the moment?" He asks. "That's how I get myself to do stupid scary things all the time."
"I dunno," I mumble.
"Silvan, is there something else? Some other reason this is bothering you?"
"I…" I fiddle with my hands. "I have never willingly succumbed to that much power before."
His hand slips up to rest gently on my shoulder. "It's okay to be afraid of that."
"No, that's… it felt good. I felt powerful, Yusei. For once, I felt in control. I decided to try and do something, to help, and I did, and the way I felt breathing that twister in and breathing it back out was the best I think I've ever felt."
He opens and closes his mouth, as if at a loss. "...I'm sorry, do you… do you feel bad for finally feeling in control?"
"I don't know."
He sighs. "Silvan… it's not bad to like the feeling of being in control. Especially after what you've been through. It's freeing to finally be able to say that there aren't any strings on you."
"But isn't this the way Divine wanted me? Power hungry?"
"You're not power hungry," he remarks. "There's a huge difference between agency and egoism. And Divine isn't in your life anymore."
"He's about to be again."
"Not for any longer than a few hours. You're putting him away. Trying to put him in the ground, actually. That's the furthest away from you he could be."
"It feels so wrong to say I could ever be away from him," I confess. "I'm still nowhere near who I'd like to be. Everything I do is still impacted by him, and this… he wanted me to be powerful. That was his intention. But somehow this feels like it could be on my terms. That I could be powerful and use it for good."
"Exactly. That's agency, not hunger." He squeezes my shoulder. "It's okay to want that for yourself, Silvan. More importantly, it's okay to be afraid. That means you're still growing."
"But I don't—want to be afraid, Yusei."
"Nobody wants to be afraid. But you're allowed to be. Okay?"
"...okay."
He sighs. Pats my shoulder again. I can hear paper as he, presumably, finds Evan's blueprint. "What's this?"
"Blueprint. Evan asked me to clean it up."
He unfurls it as I slide down, off the couch, onto the floor beside him. "Why's he building another duel runner?"
"It's for Kiryu."
"Ah. Can I help you touch it up?"
"Sure," I tell him. "I'd like the help." I spread the paper out on the table, attempting to flatten it as much as I can. I have to bend the paper in a couple of places to get it out of its roll-shape.
"How are you?" I ask. "How's the... everything?"
"I'm okay," he says. "I'm better than I've been."
"Really?"
"Yeah. After all that happened... well, I finally have some agency of my own. I can finally do something. That, at the very least, has given me some peace of mind."
"Do you think it's over?" I ask. "The Roids? The IRL duel damage?"
"I don't know," he confesses. "I'll admit, that duelist in charge of the Roids, Placido, read like a pretty bad guy. Like the bad guy. But I have a sinking feeling that there's going to be more to this story."
"You're ready now, though," I say. "Right?"
"Well, I think that's my secret," he sighs. "I'm never really ready for anything except to act. Maybe that's part of the fear. That I don't know at all what to expect."
"And yet you keep playing the hero," I retort.
"Because if I don't do it," Yusei says, "who else will?"
I sigh out through my nose. "Crow. Jack. Aki. Hell, Ruka."
He shrugs. "What about you?"
"Of course."
"Just knowing I don't have to shoulder it alone, then, is a comfort."
I fix my eyes on Evan's blueprint. "You really don't have to shoulder anything alone."
"Neither do you."
I can feel Yusei watching me—I swear I can almost hear him thinking.
"Silvan," he says softly, suddenly. I look towards him, at those gentle, stormy eyes. "We'll be with you the whole time. You know that."
Yeah. There's that dread. I should have been able to talk more to Aki about it. Evan, too. I'm trying not to feel like I fucked that up—that support, the necessity of it—by making them worry about me.
"Yes," I murmur. This is my reflex answer, only because I've been told too many times that all my friends will be there watching. That I'll have to make myself completely vulnerable again for a gallery of strangers and the people I care about the most. "I know."
"What I really want you to know," he says slowly, "is that, up there, you are still Silvan. Divine can't take that away from you. Not again. You have been, and you always will be Silvan Levine."
I swallow this… choked up feeling that's crept up into my throat.
"Divine did not tell you to do all that you've done for us. He didn't ask you to break our fall in Crash Town. He might've told you to leave that twister alone. Your actions—your very existence, I think, are rebellions against all that he tried to do and they prove that you are still you. They prove that you're stronger than him."
I swallow again. "What if that's not enough?"
"Just because you don't feel like enough doesn't mean you aren't," he murmurs.
I put my head in his neck, where he can't see my face, he puts his hand on my head, and we stay like that for a very long time.
I breathe him in and wish I could Internalize this feeling—this sense of safety I've felt almost since the day we met—for all the stormy days to come.
