After picking up the paper and arranging it neatly, Edward repaired the destroyed table and sat down to complete the paperwork. He could still feel the heat of anger and betrayal coursing through him; along with embarrassment though the other two overwhelmed him the most. It took all his will to keep his hand steady and not tear through the paper as he signed requests and finished up some reports. He had everything ready for Captain Meeks. Delivering paperwork was not really the duty of a Captain but at the moment Edward didn't want Havoc around and Meeks was too timid to complain. He passed it off silently then ordered the Captain not to disturb him. Edward didn't really want to be alone, he felt like he was hiding but he didn't want to be around anyone either. He hadn't calmed down yet and didn't want to take his frustrations out on the men. But being alone, pacing the small confines of his tent, made him remember parts of his recent disturbing conversations – if they could be called conversations - he didn't want to be remembering:
You've got everyone wrapped around your finger...
You just want all the glory for yourself...
You don't protect lives. All you do is destroy them...
Whenever those words of Russell's would repeat he'd shake his head so he couldn't hear the rest. But it wouldn't stop there. His own words echoed back to him, taunting him that what Russell said was probably true. He had stepped out of line saying the things he did to a commanding officer. But Edward was too angry and defensive to give a reprimand, and felt he deserved it when he thought about what he said in return:
That's the thanks I get after what I did for you...
...you fucked that up as well...
Why did you even join the military if all you were going to do was blow it up?
I was trying to help you so you didn't have to go through what I did...
He hated people hiding and sugar coating things for him yet he did the same thing, and he just blew off Havoc for it as well. The Lieutenant was right. When would he ever learn? However, the lesson he should have learned was in a different context. It wasn't so much about trusting Russell again. It was his own arrogance that kept him from learning that it was good to want to protect people but it only worked if they wanted to be protected. Russell clearly did not and he had ignored that, adding fuel to the other young man's resentment. He also didn't learn after all the chances he gave Russell that it wouldn't have helped; that no matter what, he would still resent Edward. But where does Russell get off thinking I was trying to hold him back, Edward thought furiously. That's not what I was doing. And what does he know about me and Erika. That bastard is just jealous... and Edward broke off from his train of thought disgusted. Now he was being even more of an arrogant jerk. He had to restrain himself from hitting the table again as he passed it for the tenth time.
He just needed to calm down, it was all over with; Russell was no longer his problem and as to the two Lieutenants being the eyes and ears for someone else, there wasn't much else to do but put up with it. He had to admit that if he was in Mustang or Locke's position he'd probably do the same. Worrying about it wasn't going to get him anywhere.
Feeling a little more in control of himself he sat at the table and pulled a blank piece of paper toward him. He hadn't written to his brother in a while. Al was always a calming influence; he figured writing to him could help. He fished in his pocket for the last letter from Al and reread it. Taking a deep breath, he began his letter, making sure he answered all of Al's questions and responded to his latest activities, always mindful of leaving out what had happened over the last two weeks. When he was done writing he looked it over making sure it didn't sound like something was going on and he was hiding it. One day he'd tell Al but it was not something he wanted in writing and he didn't want to make his brother worry about him. He could handle the stress, it wouldn't last that long… he hoped.
He skipped dinner. There were still too many thoughts running through his head that just tied his stomach up in knots. He tried to relax, lying stretched out on his cot, staring up at the tent as he smoked. He thought about making an opening so fresh air could circulate and to have a view of the sky instead of the green canvas viewed through swirls of cigarette smoke. But he wasn't too motivated to follow through. He laid there telling himself to just continue as if nothing had happened; that he hadn't tried to attack another officer, that the same officer didn't insult him, that his First Lieutenant kept things from him and another was reporting to the Brigadier General; that he hadn't been completely oblivious to what was going on around him. He decided he was just going to have to pick himself up from this and continue on. He still had a troop to command. He couldn't mope around forever or hold grudges against men he still had to work with. There was more gnawing at the back of his mind but he didn't want to add to the turmoil in his head. That was until she peaked into the darkening tent and he was forced to now come face to face with one of the things he really wasn't ready to deal with.
They looked at each other and then Edward sat up, alert and asked worriedly, "Are you alright?"
Erika gave a sheepish smile as she came into the tent. "Yeah, I'm fine," she answered unconvincingly.
"You don't look like it," Edward said still studying her as she came to sit next to him. She looked just as he was feeling not too long ago; confused, worried… guilty.
Erika gave a halfhearted smile, that Edward knew was meant to reassure him but it didn't work, and leaned her head against his shoulder. Now Edward knew something was wrong. He wouldn't force it out of her; when she was ready to talk she would. It was clear she needed some comfort but he couldn't give it to her. The gnawing thought was no longer in the back of his mind.
"Why would Russell think I destroyed your life?" He blurted out.
"I don't know," Erika said sounding confused. "Maybe it was something I said when I talked to him a couple weeks ago. I was really tired I don't remember much."
"I think you do," Edward said with an edge to his voice.
Erika didn't say anything for a minute; finally she sighed and said, "He made some hint about you getting kicked out. I didn't know what he was talking about and didn't want to bother trying to find out through him. I turned to leave but he caught up with me..."
"And..." Edward demanded.
Erika took a deep breath before continuing, "He wanted to know if we had never met if I would have given him a chance. Then he wanted to know why I like you."
Edward was surprised she actually answered. He was more surprised about that before curiosity caught up with him to want to know how she answered. But he stopped himself from asking any more questions. If he did destroy her life he didn't think he could handle hearing about it. There had to have been something to her answer to make Russell think so. Why would he want to know? Edward wondered. What business was it of his…? Then Edward understood; it explained the dirty looks whenever he was with Erika and brought Russell's attitude a little more into focus. Once again I was oblivious to something so obvious! He was jealous of me.
"Edward, I don't know exactly what he said to you but you didn't destroy my life. He's just jealous," Erika said echoing his thoughts out loud.
"Of what?" Edward snorted not able to accept the fact someone would be jealous of him. "A short tempered, arrogant, loud mouthed, crippled fool, who wouldn't be able to get by without automail, who thinks he can save everyone on his own; who thinks he knows what's best for everyone," he added quietly.
He wanted to say more. That his alchemy ability was not due to his smarts but once again due to his arrogance and selfishness; that it was by opening the gate that he gained the knowledge he had of alchemy; that he had damned his brother to a lonely existence tied to an empty armor. It is just a show. Whatever I have was not gained honorably. All my self sacrificing and posturing is just to make up for what I've done.
"That's not true," Erika said looking at him worriedly. "Don't be so hard on yourself."
"I know it's true, don't try to convince me it isn't."
"Maybe I can convince you of something else," she said leaning in close till her lips were an inch from his.
"Only if you tell my why you looked so worried when you came in," Edward said trying to distract himself from his guilty conscience. He was tired of focusing on himself.
Erika pulled back and smiled. "I missed you. It'd been a while since I last saw you," she said sounding like she was trying to keep her voice from breaking.
She leaned in to kiss him but Edward stopped her. She looked so serious and sad; like it was the last time she would ever see him again.
"Hey," he said placing his hand on her cheek. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," she said with a more convincing smile.
"Are you sure?" He asked not believing her.
She leaned in again to kiss him and Edward knew she didn't want him to question her anymore. He no longer cared as he was quickly distracted by her urgency to get him out of his uniform.
She didn't want him looking at her the way he had been. He was a kind person and did care for her but knowing he was not in love with her made it hard. She didn't want him to look at her with such concern in his eyes unless he was in love with her. Pushing all thoughts and emotion away Erika focused only on her bodily desire for Edward. They tumbled to the ground, their bodies soon joining as one. She allowed herself to fully experience every sensation. The way the weight of his body felt against hers. The lean, firm strength of his arms and how he held her gently but still took what he wanted. She gently pushed his head toward her neck wanting to feel his lips on her skin. She would never forget the way he held her and she wanted to be held one last time, the way only he did. He didn't hold her like the other men in her past did. Edward was always so gentle, yet firm. Like he was afraid he would break her and tried to protect her from harm at the same time. She always felt safe with him; not even his dark moods or dreams scared her as they should.
She almost couldn't believe this was the same boy she had met well over a year ago. He was no longer that boy. A lot had happened to him within that time. She was proud of the fact that she had a little to do with him becoming a man, though it was the war that had done the rest. Though she had mourned over the innocence that was left in him and lost, she still couldn't resist him. She reveled in his love making, knowing she had something to do with it and was able to partake gleefully in the fruits of her labor. She would never forget him. Even when he had long forgotten her, she knew that she would still be cherishing the memory of there last moment together.
She tried to restrain herself. She didn't want him to suspect anything. But she still wanted to take something away with her to remember him; the feeling of his warm lips and skin combined with the cool touch of his automail. She studied everything about him in the limited time she had. She wanted to remember him like this forever. When she was close to him like this he seemed so carefree and that's what she wanted for him. There was something he kept hidden from her. She knew he would never reveal to her what was really behind those beautiful golden eyes of his. She had accepted it. She hoped that someday he would find someone that would release him from the pain she could see.
Russell's words had finally made her come to a decision and she hated to abandon him. She felt she could do no more than what any other girl could to help him escape. She didn't want to think of him being with anyone else but if that's what he chose then what could she do. She also made things worse for herself. She knew realistically it was impossible for her; it had been so long since she'd had any false alarms but she couldn't help fantasizing having Edward's children. Beautiful, golden eyed children, that looked just like him playing in the sun. She realized that even if Edward was not ready for such things and circumstances not exactly ideal for him, she was ready. She had gone on with her life not really wanting much for herself, until the Drachmans came and she knew she had to get away from them. Once she escaped she had felt she could start new. But bad habits were hard to break as well as an easy way to earn a living, if it could be called that. However, now she knew she could really make a fresh start and even if she couldn't have Edward she had something else; the desire to settle down and move on from the life she had lived. It was so much stronger now than it had ever been. She was grateful to Edward for giving that to her.
She had made arrangements after the conversation with Russell but she had to see Edward one more time before she left. She delayed as long as she could as they were laying together, the covers of the bed roll tangled around them, her back to Edward; his forehead pressed against her shoulder.
"You're leaving," he said simply. It wasn't a question. He knew that this was their last moment together; that this was her way of saying goodbye.
"Yes," she said not able to turn around and look at him.
"I'm glad. You don't need to be around all this. But I'll miss you."
"No you won't. You'll forget about me."
"How can you say that?" He asked sounding indignant.
"Because I know you," she said finally turning around to face Edward. "More than you know."
"How will you be leaving? Do you need anything?"
"No. I'm going to leave with the next group of wounded being transferred to Central. I've got a position at one of the hospitals waiting for me."
"If you're going at least let me do something. I can give you money to help you when you get to Central. I'll get word to the Fuhrer to see that you have what you need."
"No. I'll be fine on my own."
"Are you sure?"
Erika placed her hands on each side of Edward's face and looked him in the eye. "I told you. I'll be fine. Just promise me one thing."
"You said no promises," he pointed out with a half attempted smirk.
"I'm breaking the rule," she said smiling.
"What do you want me to promise then?" He asked feeling no fear what she would ask of him, thinking, at that moment, he would promise her anything.
"Survive this war. Promise me that I won't see your name on any casualty list. That's all I want you to do for me."
"Is that all? Sure, no problem. I am invincible you know." He said carelessly.
"Promise me Edward," she said sternly, looking him dead in the eye, not in the mood for his careless manner. It just served as a reminder to her that he was reckless and had no regard for his own life if it came to a choice between himself and one of his men. She knew it was a bit much to make him promise but she hoped he would exercise some caution in the future.
"I promise."
Erika kissed him. "Thank you," she said as they parted. "I have to go."
She got up and dressed while Edward watched. He had gotten used to her being there for him. It was strange to see her getting ready to leave, knowing he would never see her again. He was sad to see her go but knew there was nothing he could do to stop her. She was her own person who made her own decisions and he respected her for that. He wasn't in love with her, he was sure of that, but he still cared for her and didn't want anything bad to happen to her. She had already been through enough, she didn't need anymore hardship. As she was about to leave he stopped her.
"Erika. You know you can always come to me if you need anything."
"I know," she said smiling and then she was gone.
