A/N - So again, I've split a very large chapter into the different feels, which means you don't have to wait until I've finished the rest to get this bit! The next chapter will have a somewhat lighter feel to it (still working on it though).
This chapter/incident is based on the Deep Trouble Episodes (S5 Ep 24 & S6 Ep 1) and acts as a tag but only to the part about the boys in the submarine. The other story lines to the episodes don't factor in here.
Love to hear from you when you are done. Enjoy
Chapter 53 - Deep Trouble
Jessie fought hard to keep her gaze from drifting to Callen as she thoroughly worked through her check of Sam. It wasn't until Sam gently put his large hand over hers that she realised it was shaking.
"Jessie," Sam's voice was full of concern. "You okay?"
"No," she admittedly honestly. Really there was no point in even attempting to lie to him, aside from the fact she was hopeless at it anyway. Sam could clearly see it and if he couldn't then he should be rethinking his career. "You two could've died."
"But we didn't," Sam replied.
"But you would've." Jessie swallowed hard to shift the lump in her throat and blinked back the tears that were almost as determined to fall as she was to not let them do so. Not here at least. At home, alone. Maybe then. But not here or now.
"Meaning?" Sam prompted.
Jessie lifted her eyes to his. Warm, dark and filled with concern. The tears tried again. "Meaning," Jessie said, "I know you both … very well. You would've sacrificed yourselves to save those on the Van Brummen. You'd have blown both yourselves and the sub up first if it hadn't have been done for you."
"Yes," Sam admitted quietly. "We would've."
The way Sam said that told her so much. She had no doubt now that they'd already set the plans in motion. Not knowing what was going on when they'd lost communication with them had been terrifying, yet she hadn't been able to walk out of Ops. It had been like her feet were glued to the floor, even when she knew what was coming and Granger hadn't been able to stop it; at least until the moment the submarine had been blown up and the pain had all but torn her in two and she'd fled. She was on the second last step when Nell had shouted at her over the balcony that they were alive. Jessie's knees had almost given out under her, a vice-like grip on the railing the only thing that had kept her upright. But even knowing that she hadn't been able to return to Ops so she didn't know anything about what had happened during that time when they'd been out of communication. Instead she'd continued to her office where she'd collapsed on her couch and let the tears fall in private. Because even though she knew he was alive, the pain was still there and now she'd experienced it, even for that brief minute or two, she knew that without him she didn't think she'd be able to survive and that was beyond terrifying.
"And the damn thing is," Jessie didn't miss the slight raise of Sam's eyebrows at her choice of words, "I wouldn't want either of you to change because if you weren't who you are I wouldn't care ... He wouldn't be the one I …." Jessie closed her eyes and took deep breath.
"Jessie." Sam's voice was low enough that nobody would hear. "Look at me," he said.
Jessie opened her eyes and Sam studied her, more intently than he ever had before, and she knew he could see everything on her face that she just wasn't capable of hiding yet.
"You haven't have you?" Sam asked.
"Haven't what?"
"He's my partner and I love him but," Sam shook his head and sighed. "Oh Jessie, you haven't chosen an easy one."
"Didn't choose," Jessie murmured and shifted slightly so her back was turned more to Callen because she could feel his eyes on her and the last thing she needed right now was to look at him. "Just like you didn't choose Michelle."
Sam tilted his head in acknowledgement.
"You almost died," Jessie whispered.
"Think about it in terms that we made it, okay." Sam squeezed her hand that she didn't realise he was still holding. She gently pulled it away and got back to the job she should've already finished.
"Trying to play shrink?" She needed something to lighten things or she would lose the battle with those tears.
"No," Sam said gently. "Friend."
So much for that theory, the tears pressed against her eyes again. Jessie only nodded in response.
"Is this why Nell's checking him over, not you?" Sam asked her.
"She knows what to look for," Jessie told him, "and will tell me if she sees something that isn't right. And if I find something with you then I'll check him then." Because right now she didn't have the emotional strength to actually do her job when it came to Callen. It had taken everything in her not to throw her arms around him when he'd arrived at the boatshed. She'd known it before they'd arrived and that was why she'd asked Nell to help her. Nell had looked at her oddly but Jessie had pointed out if they both checked them over if there was anything drastically wrong it would be picked up quicker. Something in the younger woman's eyes had suggested she didn't entirely believe her but Nell had accepted the instructions without further comment.
Jessie finished another recheck of Sam's ears, which gave her a little more time to push back her emotions, then she rested a hand on Sam's shoulder and gave a gentle squeeze. "You're good to go. A couple of quiet days would be useful but you'll be fine."
She heard Nell's comment to Callen about a ruptured eardrum. However since Nell didn't call her over Jessie figured it wasn't that bad and was nothing she needed to look at right away since he didn't seem like he was in pain. She'd check it tomorrow and keep an eye on it for infection. Sam's ears were all clear, which given his background wasn't surprising; he'd know exactly what to do to keep out of trouble in that way. Given that was the worst Nell had mentioned to Callen, Jessie assumed she was done for now so turned her back on the occupants of the room and packed away her equipment. It felt wrong, no doubt about that, to not be the one to check on Callen but she just couldn't, not without the incredibly high risk that she would completely breakdown in front of them all. Equipment away, she kept her back to them and took some slow breaths to prepare herself to turn around and, somehow, say goodbye and leave. She had her suspicions that Callen might follow her when she did. How she would deal with that she didn't know. All she could do was hope that somehow she got to her car first and could leave before he said anything. There was only so much control she had left and she would need it all to get home.
Except her escape wasn't meant to be because as she turned around Deeks put drinks on the table and invited everyone to join in. Even though she knew before she moved to the table that this wasn't a good idea, in fact it was an incredibly stupid idea, Jessie stepped up anyway to join them.
Friends and Partners.
She could've added more to that toast easily and not just about Callen. When exactly did she find this new family?
She kept her eyes off Callen and downed the drink along with everyone else. After all, it was a team celebration wasn't it? She was a part of the team.
For better or worse.
The first drink may have been a celebration, as disgusting as it was, but the second wasn't. That one was purely drunk with the, probably futile, hope of it easing, or at least masking, the pain that was still so very raw and aching in that spot in her chest right at her heart.
Callen had watched Jessie check Sam over. He had to admit to some major disappointment that she'd given Nell the job of checking on him, supposedly so that they both got checked quicker. Except both of them had seen the paramedics already and been given instructions so technically this was just going to be Jessie checking up on them for her own satisfaction and records, which again didn't make sense that Nell was the one doing it for him. Jessie hadn't even looked at him yet and that told Callen there was way more to this than just making sure they were checked quicker. He knew she would be hurting that they'd been hurt, except that they weren't that hurt. Just some minor issues that would barely cause a hiccup in the general scheme of things.
When Deeks had set out the depth charges, Callen was surprised that she'd joined in. He'd stopped after one, but Deeks had more supplies and a few put their hand up for seconds, including Jessie. So Callen had sat back and watched and tried to work out what was going on with her. After the two depth charges came four more straight shots of rum; in fairly quick succession. And still Jessie wouldn't look at him.
Callen could see that this wasn't the Jessie they'd seen at Karaoke after a few drinks had simply taken down her protective walls and had her relaxed.
This was a very different Jessie. A very quiet Jessie. One that worried Callen.
When Deeks placed a fifth shot of rum in front of Jessie and she picked it up, Callen moved quickly and removed it from her fingers - easily. She finally looked at him then and her mouth opened to protest.
"Time to get you home Doc," Callen said before she could. Jessie closed her mouth and looked away but not before Callen saw a flare of pain in her eyes and he wasn't quite sure what it was about. It was different to what he'd seen in her eyes when she'd been upset after the helicopter crash and Kensi had been badly injured. Callen slipped his arm around Jessie's shoulders and steered her toward the door. Sam handed him Jessie's bag.
"Careful G."
Callen wasn't sure why but there was definitely a warning tone and an edge to Sam's words. Given Jessie stood right next to him, and swayed slightly, now wasn't the time to get into it and he simply said to Sam, "Always."
Jessie remained quiet and stared out the window of the passenger's side of his car the whole way to her apartment. He didn't attempt to get her to talk because he figured the car wouldn't be the place for her to lose whatever control she seemed to be holding onto tightly.
When Jessie stumbled on the path to the front of her apartment building Callen caught her easily.
Jessie groaned and her hand went to her head. "I'm going to feel so bad in the morning," she murmured.
Callen slipped his arm around her waist to hold her steady. "So why did you do it Doc?" he asked quietly. The question had her glance at him again but then she went into silent mode and looked away.
Callen managed to get her up to her apartment, mentally thanking whatever builder decided that yes a three story apartment building did indeed need an elevator, and through her front door safely and without another incident. He closed and locked the door before he turned around to see her trying to get out of her second shoe, the first one already on the floor beside her. When it unexpectedly came off and Jessie wobbled precariously on the one leg, Callen moved quickly, caught her and pulled her in close to keep her from falling.
Jessie looked up at him and before Callen could register the look in her eyes, she shifted and pressed her lips to his. Not just a light brush, but a firm press and request for more. A request that he gave into because her touch had short circuited his brain and left it sending him just one message - whatever she wants.
Callen felt the wall against his back when she pushed against him; the hard wall a contradiction to the softness of her body against his front. Her hair, half up, half down, had tempted his hands the whole time they'd been in the boat shed and now one of his hands found its way through the silky strands and cupped the back of her head as his mouth explored hers in a kiss that was like a battle between the two of them. There was no dominant person in this kiss. They were both as desperate as one another. For far too long the heat had been simmering between them and it had just hit boiling point with explosive force.
The hard tug on the bottom of his shirt had some of Callen's brain reconnecting even though the feel of her fingers moving over his stomach and up to his chest threatened to fry them again. Jessie's lips left his and trailed along his jaw and down his neck, the softness of them distracting as was the breath that drifted over his skin as she moved. It was the sob that finally had his brain start to click into gear and gave him pause to think rather than just feel. Her lips had stopped in their tracks against his neck and simply rested against his skin, her hand was also still under his shirt. The second sob, and the tremor that went through her body with it, had the rest of his mind fire up. Callen's hand was still in her hair and he extracted that carefully before he shifted so she was the one against the wall and he was looking into her eyes. Eyes that were filled with tears and pain that even the haze of alcohol couldn't hide.
"What are you doing Jessie?" Callen asked gently.
"You almost died." A stream of tears fell down one cheek. "I thought you had."
Callen heard the pain in her voice and the whisper of a connection flared. Her hand under his shirt made more sense - his heart beat. The place she'd stopped on his neck - his pulse.
"I'm not that easy to kill."
Her eyes dropped to his lips and she moved her head closer. Callen pulled back though.
"How much did you have to drink?" he asked her, even though he knew. He needed to know if she knew before things went any further, that was if they went any further today.
"Not enough," Jessie whispered, the pain even stronger and the tears heavier. "It still hurts."
"What still hurts?"
"Thinking you were gone. Hurt then. Still hurts now."
"Sam and I are fine," Callen assured her. He brushed the hair off her cheek gently and then his eyes locked with hers again. He hadn't thought the pain could be any stronger but it was. Except now it was coupled with guilt.
"You hurt more." Her voice broke on the words.
Callen heart pounded in his chest and his mind raced over the possibilities of what she was saying. But she was drunk, that much he was sure of, and he couldn't be sure she even knew what she was saying.
Jessie reached up and ran a finger over his lips. Her saw her eyes follow the motion before they lifted to his and her hand slipped behind his head. Callen felt the gentle pressure that she used to urge him closer.
"Please," she whispered.
And there was a part of him that really wanted to, a part of him that was already instinctively closing the distance to give her what she wanted, needed, before he could even think. Probably because he wanted and needed it too and when something was mutual it made it that much more difficult to think clearly. But just as his lips brushed hers the chivalrous - Hetty had to put that word into his mind in connection with Jessie didn't she - part of him took over and instead of deepening the kiss and getting lost, Callen shifted and trailed soft kisses over her cheek and down her neck. He hoped it gave her a little something while he worked on getting enough control to be able to stop this before it went somewhere he only wanted it to go when she was sober and could make the choice with a clear head.
Jessie's head tilted to one side and it opened up her neck better for him. The leap of her pulse under his lips was a temptation he struggled with and he gave in to the urge to run his tongue over it - vanilla and salty tears this time. The vibration of the moan in her throat at the action had him temporarily lose the grip on his control and he opened his mouth over the point and gently sucked. The moan to that action was louder and then her body started to sink as if her knees had given out. Callen caught her to him and swept her up into his arms. It took every ounce of control he could pull from every place he could think of to carry her to her bed, place her down gently and not join her. When Jessie looked up into his eyes, her arms still around his neck, the passion, hurt and need in her eyes was almost Callen's undoing. If that was all it had been, then the invitation he saw there in her eyes would've been too much to resist. But the haze from the alcohol made him stop.
Callen gently removed her hands from around his neck, lowered his head and pressed a gentle, lingering kiss to her forehead before he pulled back to look her eyes, eyes that now held confusion as well.
Callen shook his head. "Not like this," he told her gently. "Sleep Jessie. I'll be here when you wake up." He saw the disappointment, tried to ease it a touch with a kiss to her fingers before he let them go and moved away from the bed. He walked out of the room without looking back but left the door open so he could hear if she needed him. The soft sob that reached his ears just after he'd left the room was one of the hardest things he could remember having to walk away from. He kicked off his shoes, laid down on the couch and stared at the ceiling. He hated the fact that he didn't think he had enough control right now to stay in there with her, give her the comfort he was sure she needed without letting it going too far. But if she turned to him, begged him for more, he wasn't sure he'd be able to tell her no again. He'd done it, slept beside her, before but things tonight were different.
Was it just the situation or was it more?
Had the situation combined with the alcohol shown him what she was really wanting from him? She said it hurt more thinking he was gone than Sam. Could that mean what he thought? Did he want it to mean what he thought?
And had it shown him what he wanted from her?
Callen had stopped them, but it was hell lying out here knowing she was hurting and not being able to be there for her. If they were together, if she really was his, nothing would've stopped him giving her what she needed tonight. Because he was sure if they were together, the alcohol wouldn't have been necessary. She simply would've come to him rather than try and numb or hide what she was feeling.
A part of him wanted to leave, to give himself some space to try and think how things would go from here but he wouldn't leave her like this. He'd promised and he wasn't going to break a promise to her. Ever.
