Ch. 52 Youth, Flame and Shame
"I thought you might be up here," came a voice, wonderfully warm and low.
She glanced towards James then turned grinning to look back up at the stars. Perhaps they weren't that useless after all...
As he expected, she was there. Careful not to let the trap door slam behind him, he let it down gently and walked towards her.
'Well you finally got your wish old boy,' James thought. He was alone with her at last so why was he so uneasy? Perhaps it was because it was the first time in days he'd seen her alone, had the opportunity to talk to her about everything that had happened, find out the truth. He suspected she had left out several unpleasant things in her story and perhaps it was learning about those unpleasant things that made him nervous.
Now was his chance to learn the truth; and what a scary thing the truth could be.
He had heard her screaming in the hospital wing and hadn't been able to stop himself from remembering the other time. He could still see Bellatrix's face clearly in his mind, recalled perfectly how Lily had writhed... could still hear those screams. They had sounded exactly the same. He had wanted to go the rest of his life without hearing that sound again. He never wanted her to suffer that again and James was terrified to know whether or not she had. He almost didn't want to ask, and yet he couldn't not know.
There had been nothing he could have done. He couldn't protect her in the mines or in her sleep. That hopelessness was the hardest of all to bear. Not being able to help, being useless when someone he cared about was in pain or in trouble was by far the worst feeling in the world... being given no choice but to sit back and watch a loved one suffer.
"We all live in dangerous times. Complete safety isn't something anyone, not even a Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher can truly give. The best we can give is comfort..."
Sirius was right. He should stop thinking and just be there for her, however she needed him. If she wanted to talk he'd listen, if she wanted to stay silent and still all night long he would keep vigil with her, if she wanted... chicken, well they would go get chicken.
She sat up and wrapped her arms around her knees. "What time is it?"
He automatically looked to his wrist, but remembered his watch had stopped. Why he had not yet repaired it he didn't know.
"I don't know. 11?" he said sitting down behind her so they were back to back. They automatically leaned against each other.
"And how are you? How are you really?" she asked. It was an earnest question and she wanted an earnest answer but he didn't really know how he felt.
"That depends," he replied.
"Depends on what?"
"On how you are."
"Mmm," she sighed and leaned her head back to rest on his shoulder.
For a long time they didn't speak, just say there leaning on one another in perfect empathy.
An expanse of silence later James couldn't suppress a slightly noisy yawn and Lily stood up and went round to face him, holding her hands out to help him up. "You're tired."
He took her hands and pulled himself up. His legs hurt from sitting on the stones for so long. They stood there for a moment until Lily slowly snaked her arms under his cloak and around his middle, burying her face in his chest. James squeezed her back tightly, breathing in deeply.
She mumbled something but he couldn't make it out.
"Hmm?"
She shook her head. "Nothing."
He lifted her chin with but a single finger, her face rose to his more willingly than it had in the past.
x
It was like their first kiss all over again, powerful but unhurried, attentive but slightly reticent. She had seen and felt the strength of his large hands before but it still amazed her to feel how delicate they could be.
"And here I thought you'd be cross with me," James said after a time. His arms were wrapped comfortably around her hips and hers around his neck.
"Why would you think that?" she asked, genuinely confused. Had she missed something? Should she be cross with him? She couldn't think of anything but she wouldn't be surprised if she had forgotten something with all that had happened.
"For not coming back to see you when I said I would," he explained.
She chuckled slightly. "Of all the silly... You don't think I would actually hold that against you do you? You had more important things to do."
She stood to kiss him again.
x
James pulled away and studied her face. Yes, he was glad she wasn't angry and she knew he didn't do it on purpose. It was wonderful to finally be with an understanding woman but...
His mother had been an understanding woman too, and just because she understood didn't stop her from from being wounded when her husband sacrificed time with her and her son for the sake of his work.
James didn't want to be like his father. He didn't want Lily to think work was more important to him than she was.
"You know you are important to me, yes? I didn't... I meant to come back but..."
Lily shushed him with a finger. "I know. But you did more good working than you would have by just keeping me company. Some things are more urgent than others and when something pressing comes up you go do it. I'll still love you when you get back."
James grinned. She'd said it again. The first time she had said it so quietly he thought he might have just imagined but, but this time there was no mistaking. She had definitely said it.
He kissed her briefly. "Say it again."
Her brow furrowed in confusion. "Say what again?"
"Say that you love me."
She rolled her eyes and stepped away from him, taking his hand in hers as she led him to the trap door. "Have you eaten yet?" she asked, trying to change the topic. James would have none of that.
"Come on, just say it."
"You know I do."
"So say it," he said, his grin growing wider and wider as he let himself be pulled along.
"You sir, are a prat," she stated.
He chuckled and shrugged. "I suppose that will have to do."
"We'll have to stay at yours. Sirius is in mine."
"I already knew that, as a matter of fact."
"Oh?"
"Bit embarrassing actually. I came in, saw a figure under your covers and crawled into bed thinking... well... thinking things one generally does when about to get into bed with a woman."
"And what exactly would that be?" she asked, one eyebrow raised in cheeky inquiry.
"Things that I certainly would not have been thinking had I known it was Sirius in your bed instead of you."
"Oh dear," Lily said, unable to hide the grin that contained as much mirth and mischief as the Cheshire cat's.
"It was awkward when I realised the nature of my mistake."
"How awkward?" she asked. James was under the impression that she was enjoying herself very much.
"Very. Awkward. We both swore never to speak of it again."
x
She couldn't take it anymore and she burst out laughing, laughing so hard in fact that she had to wipe away tears that for the first time in a long time had nothing whatsoever to do with sorrow.
"Oh thank you for that," she said once she had regained her breath.
She felt bad for being so cheerful when the McKinnons had just been killed, but if they didn't snatch the little bits of happiness when and where they could there would be no hope for any of them.
xx
She broke away just long enough to tell him "leave it on." James was confused at first and not at all inclined to heed this suggestion, but of course he wasn't thinking properly. When he decided that her idea wasn't a good one, and her shirt should, of course, come off he made the attempt again, sliding his hands underneath the garment in question. He pulled away suddenly and guiltily when he heard her cry out in pain. He withdrew immediately. His damned eager hands had clawed their way not only under her shirt, but under the bandages he had forgotten were there. They would need to be redone.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, removing himself entirely off her. He tried to right his wrong but she pushed his hand away.
"Don't," she said, pulling the shirt down hastily so he couldn't see. "It's... not pleasant."
"I've seen it before," James said, although the sight of it had made him turn away, nauseated.
"Oh," she said sadly. "I was hoping you hadn't."
"Why?"
"Because," she said getting out of the bed and walking over to the bathroom, "It's not pleasant. Which you know, I suppose." James assumed she was redoing the bandage herself in the privacy of the bathroom. He was glad she did. He would never tell her this, of course, because it would only play into her insecurity more. Some things women just don't need to hear, and "How positively revolting," is pretty high on the list of things never to say to a woman when referring to the lady herself.
Actually, it hadn't been that bad, compared with some of the injuries he had seen and had suffered himself. It had been the shock of it all, and the fact that he had seen it when they had been newly ripped. He was sure he had seen it at its worse but still he was in no hurry to see it again. He was still curious, like all men deep down that can never get rid of that nasty little boy inside them that can't stop from wanting to see gross things. But that little boy urge was overpowered by the cowardly man fear and the guilt of seeing the evidence of how he had failed her. Lily had removed his scars, so he would too if he only knew how. But if Madame Pomfrey couldn't do it, how could he?
She walked back in a minute later, bare feet padding lightly across the floor. She got into bed, lying on her side.
"Does it hurt?"
"No, not like this." She explained how Madame Pomfrey had charmed the bandages. It wouldn't hurt so long as they were on. That is to say, on properly.
"Sorry," he apologised again. She smiled at him and shook her head as if to say, 'don't be.' "You are alright?" She nodded in response.
James didn't know if this little interlude had simply been a 'time-out' of their amorous activities, or if the game been cancelled entirely. He rather hoped it was not the latter.
x
With a final score of Evans-2, Potter-1 James was a gracious loser. In fact, he was proud of letting her (making her) win. It was the gentlemanly thing to do after all.
He grinned. If he had his way he would gladly face a sound defeat every time, the higher her score the better.
Tucked away under the covers and enjoying the afterglow of a satisfying loss James began to wonder whether or not to bring it up. It had been a while since they had spoken and if he didn't say something soon she might fall asleep and the opportunity would be lost. He would seize upon the closeness of the moment, hoping she would feel secure enough to speak.
"I've been wanting to ask you something..." he began.
"Hmm?"
He drew the blankets over her so she was covered completely, entirely hidden from view, knowing she would need this.
"What actually happened? In the mines."
He felt her shift uncomfortably under the blanket but he held on to her tightly.
"It happened just as I told you," she said evasively.
"Then what is it you aren't telling? Don't think I can't tell."
"It's not important. It doesn't affect anything."
"It affects you, clearly."
"But it doesn't matter."
"Lily, remember the night you made me a promise? I meant it then and I especially mean it now. I don't want you to keep anything from me."
Lily sighed in defeat and James felt her pull away slightly, putting a bit of distance between them.
"I liked it," she whispered guiltily.
"Liked what?"
"I mean, I didn't like it. I regret it, wish it never happened but if felt so..." she sighed. "I'm so ashamed."
"About what?" James asked, trying to be patient, but his voice accidentally rose in pitch in his desire for her to simply explain what she was bloody on about.
"The stone, James. The stone." It was silent for a moment as she let it sink in. "Someone was murdered. I was stealing their life and I enjoyed it despite myself. Of course I don't ever want to do it again and even at the time I struggled against it but... It felt so..." She tried to think of how to describe it but could only come up with one word. "Beautiful."
"Life is a beautiful thing," James reasoned; or tried to. The idea was mind boggling, and simply trying to imagine what it would be like to absorb life confused and intrigued him. He fancied it would feel like a fluttering warmth in the chest, that would fill the entire body and mind with... well, life. It must be a wonderful thing. How could life not be?
"But someone died for that feeling! Out of everything g that happened, that is what I regret most. I feel so guilty."
"You know it's not your fault."
"I know but it's just so unfair, tampering with life like that. Stealing life like that. It's despicable and I, the despicable unwilling thief."
James too felt slightly ashamed. Ashamed because deep down he was glad her life had been extended, even if for only a short while. It had been dark doing, but the longer Lily was in the world, the better off it would be.
"Of course you aren't despicable," he said. "And I'm sure Tom would rather have his life go to you than to his murderer."
"Even if that is so it doesn't make it right."
"Obviously not. Nothing about this mess is right. It was wrong what happened to Tom and wrong what happened to you. Bad things may happen to you." James quickly lifted the blanket over his own head and joined her beneath it; their faces so close they were almost touching. "But that doesn't make you a bad person."
x
Lily couldn't help but think of Remus and how she had said nearly the same thing to him only two weeks ago. She knew James was right, just as she had been when talking to Remus. Yes, the reason was logical, she knew it in her mind but that didn't change how she felt. She doubted her words had changed Remus' feelings about it either. Guilt didn't play by logical rules.
Nothing was so illogical as logic; using arbitrary rules to try rationalise irrational things; making sense of things that have none.
But still, his closeness reassured her. His warmth, comforted her. His voice, soothed her.
"You know something?" she said as she nestled into him.
"What?"
"I know I'm not very good at saying it, especially when you want me to, but I do. Love you, that is. More than I can say."
It was too dark to actually see, but she didn't need her eyes to feel his smile.
James kissed her shoulder. "I know." She noticed this time he was careful to avoid the ring around her middle as he pulled her into him.
x
Next morning Sirius rose early in his unusual surroundings. He walked over to Lily's bathroom and couldn't help stopping in front of the mirror to inspect himself.
Not bad all things considered. He still wasn't up to his usual glorious standard but at least he wasn't in pain. A fact he was most willing to appreciate. His dishevelled hair and the scratchy beginnings of a beard (not having shaved for 2 or 3 days) gave him a messy, knocked about look to him. For the first time in his life he looked ruggedly handsome. He wouldn't make a habit of it though. 'Rugged' wasn't an image he wanted to convey.
He ran a hand through his hair to put it back in order and splashed some water on his face to liven up his complexion. He closed his eyes and sighed when he realised that it was his expression, not his complexion that needed livening up.
Fastening his award winning smile securely in place he opened his eyes again. Now there was the Sirius Black everyone knew and loved.
He snorted at the man in the mirror.
"Tosser."
He was brushing off a few imagined imperfections from his cloak as he stepped out of the portrait hole and heard two familiar voices getting further away. Lily and James were ahead of him, no doubt heading off for breakfast. Sirius didn't hail them but followed behind at a distance.
"And that all depends really on Moody and wherever he wants or needs to put you at the time. You'll probably end up in my section though; we always need good duellists seeing as we are the ones called out to make the arrests."
"But in another two and half years things may have changed."
"They probably will have, but you won't be waiting two and a half years. Moody's putting you in accelerated training; five months. Pretty intensive from what I hear."
"Good."
"Starts in July and you are working by November, which is when training for the regulars begin."
"I thought that started in September."
"First two months is strictly class work for them."
"I see. Well that's excellent news, why are you just telling me now?"
"Only heard myself last night. Alastor told me after... everything."
The two turned to go into the Great Hall so Sirius went to the kitchens. As he sipped his tea he tried to not be jealous.
In the end only James had become an auror and he had reluctantly admitted that only James deserved to be one. Sirius had been in it for the adventure, the thrills, and secretly because that had been what James had wanted to do. Sirius wouldn't admit to that of course, but at the time when they had to choose what career they would try for he had no particular aspirations of his own and simply went along with what his friend wanted. Remus had wanted to do it to repay the debt he imagined he owed to society. James however, had a calling, as did Lily.
Sirius didn't have a calling, but he knew he would rather be doing that than what he was doing now. Things were different now, and yet nothing had changed. He really did wish he could be an auror, but that didn't change the fact that they still wouldn't accept him. Did that mean he would be editing articles about hair potions and writing tosh like "15 Ways to Bewitch Your Dream Wizard" for the rest of his life?
No. He had the order. Just because he wasn't going to be an auror like Lily and James didn't mean he wasn't doing anything worthwhile. The order was worthwhile. Plus, woman did need to know how to take care of their hair. And Sirius Black was a veritable guru of proper hair care.
Sighing, he popped the last bit of sausage in his mouth and walked out. The house elves said something behind him but he didn't listen. What could they possibly have to say to him worth hearing?
x
Remus woke up alone in the house. She must be a remarkable woman if Sirius stayed the whole night. Still, after the previous afternoon's battle Remus would have thought that Sirius would come back to discuss it.
He shrugged the blanket off and rolled off the couch. He ignored his growling stomach. He wouldn't eat if Sirius wasn't there eating too. It wasn't fair to just take his food. And yet he didn't want to go to a job interview on an empty stomach. What if it growled during the interview and they thought it was coming from him and not his stomach? They'd call him a monster and would make him leave immediately. Either that or they themselves would leave, fleeing in terror from the werewolf.
These sad things were the types of thoughts that constantly went through the mind of young Remus Lupin. They never stopped.
After a shower and a very close shave (he didn't want to seem 'hairy' at all) he went back to the kitchen and grabbed a piece of bread and shoved it into his mouth guiltily. Hopefully it would last throughout the interview. At least he would be dining well tonight, he reminded himself. The order was meeting which would give him the opportunity to take advantage of the house elves and their superb cooking.
He looked at himself in Sirius' full length mirror that hung in the front hall. His robes (which were actually his old Hogwarts ones that simply had the school crest removed) were too large for him. They hung too loosely on his shoulders and billowed more than was fashionable about the middle. It wasn't lycanthropy that caused weight loss. It was unemployment.
"And to think," the werewolf said morosely to his reflection, "this is as good as it gets."
He shook his head and left.
x
The building was old, wooden, and in desperate need of painting. 'Strange,' thought Remus, 'for a candle makers to have such a flammable arrangement.' As he went inside he noticed that interior matched the deteriorating exterior. Old, un-dusted and dilapidated furniture was sparsely scattered in the entry room. He felt oddly at home.
He cleared his throat. "Erm… Mr. Bright?" There came no answer. "Mr. Bright?" he called even louder.
His ears twitched (or would have if he had been in his wolf form) when his 'more acute than average' hearing detected a far off sound; slow, soft and uneven footsteps on squeaky floorboards. They were approaching. The footsteps, not the floorboards, naturally.
Mr. Reginald Bright was the ancient owner of the even more ancient 'Bright Candles', a family owned business since 1403. Candles were things that the current wizarding world mostly took for granted. It wasn't until Remus became interested in working there that he started thinking about it. Bright's was the largest supplier of wax candles (for what other kind are there really) to the wizarding population of Great Britain. Hogwarts alone could have kept Bright's in business with an order of thousands per year, but with all the other wizarding businesses that bought candles either for lighting or selling in their own establishment, Bright Candles was a very lucrative business, even though one couldn't tell by the state of the building.
A soft light glowed from the hallway and Remus knew his hopefully future employer was approaching. The man did emerge and Remus couldn't help grinning a bit. Reginald Bright was a very old man doubtlessly passed the big 150. The man's face quite looked as waxy as the candles he sold.
"Mr. Bright," said Remus extending his hand. Even though it would have been rude not to he wished he hadn't. The man's hand was so frail looking Remus was afraid to squeeze it lest he crush those delicate bones. "I'm Remus Lupin."
"Yes, yes. Lupin." His voice was as soft, slow and shaky as his footsteps. "Glad someone finally answered the advert…"
Remus could only be grateful that so few people read the Prophet nowadays, or that those who did never made it passed the gruesome top stories to actually see the 'wanted' advertisements in the Employment section.
Remus was shown around the place and Bright explained what he would be doing. To Remus' delight it didn't seem like an interview but a training session. Dare he hope he already had the job? (Providing that he had nothing against hairy murderous monsters of course…)
The main room where most the work was done was underground. It was incredibly dark, but from what Remus could see the chamber was massive. He wondered why put it underground where you would only have to waste your own merchandise to see what you were doing, but was surprised and impressed to see what the old man did next.
Wand tip alight he slid it into a candleholder so that the light shining from it was pointed directly at a mirror on the ceiling, which was angled to face another, which in turn pointed to another. In fact, the entirety of the walls of the room was covered in mirrors and the room lit up instantly.
Now that he could see, the room wasn't as large as he had previously thought, perhaps just the size of an average classroom in Hogwarts. The reflections had given it more depth than it actually had.
It was simple enough work. Nothing above 4th year Transfiguration and Charm work. Transfigure the wax, melt it, set it, affix the wick, let cool. It took only one wizard to carry out the entire process, which Reginald demonstrated using his own wand which he withdrew from his robes. The other one used to light the mirrors had been his late wife's, Remus learned.
"That, I think, is the last of it," wheezed Reginald at the end of his explanation. "In order to reach the daily target it usually takes 7-9 hours, depending on the humidity and drying time. If you want to come in from 9-5, noon to 8, or midnight til morning it doesn't matter to me, so long as it gets done."
"Sir," Remus interjected. "Before you hire me you should know that I… I'm a werewolf…" There was a slight pause and he added another "sir," to conclude the sentence more favourably. He didn't want to leave such a disparaging word lingering indefinitely in the silence.
"So you won't be working full moons then? You'll have to put in extra hours in other times of the month. Can't get behind, lots of orders to fill, you understand," said the man nodding distractedly, wandering off. Remus blinked. Then he blinked some more. He thought he had been aiming high, hoping for understanding, he hadn't even allowed himself to dream of anything as wonderful as apathy.
"Yes sir," he replied, remembering himself and finally and following on. "Thank you."
He offered Remus a room that was situated downstairs if he wanted it. It wasn't much, but it didn't cost much either. Both suited Remus perfectly.
"Where do you live, Mr. Bright?"
"I have a house in the city, but apparating at my age…" he made a clicking sound with his tongue as he shook his head. "The squeeze is too tight. Dizzying. It puts an ache in my bones. I stay here. Don't go anywhere much. My great grandson visits and provides me with what little I need. Henry will take over when I finally snuff it."
'Apt analogy' Remus couldn't help but think. The name struck a bell but he couldn't remember where or how he knew it. Henry Bright. Well, whoever he was he was a lucky man to inherit all this.
There was no signing of contracts, nor had the salary been mentioned. Remus didn't care. Beggars can't be choosers and all that. He had a room, a job, and a wage (however little it may turn out to be.) So long as he had enough to feed himself he was happy. He had his independence… for now, at least. Actually, it wasn't so much independence for which he longed. He longed to finally free his friends from his dependence on them. He would no longer have to be anyone's burden.
xx
For those who hadn't known until that night's order meeting, seeing the rest in mourning colours had been an unhappy hint of what was to come.
There had been better order meetings. More productive.
It was sadly confirmed by all that most of them could not attend Marlene and her family's funeral, for what excuse would they have? Only four or five including Dumbledore had known Marlene outside of the order, and therefore only they would go.
They had a small ceremony for her remembrance there in Dumbledore's office, each lighting a candle which they would keep burning the night through. Even though they went their separate ways, they would all participate in this odd magical version of a secret wake.
Lily and the four marauders retired to her common room after the meeting adjourned, only to have Lily excuse herself the moment the portrait hold had opened.
"I'll be back," she said and was off.
"Where is she going?" asked Remus.
"Hospital Wing," James answered easily. They had discussed earlier the treatment Madame Pomfrey wanted to attempt, seeing as the usual methods had failed.
"She's alright though, in'she?" Peter asked.
"Fine, fine," James assured as he plopped casually into an armchair. His candle was floating next to him, flickering in the corner of his vision, reminding him not to be so casual and easy.
Did it make him a bad person that he needed to be reminded? He just came back from her memorial and yet he couldn't stay sad like he was supposed to. They sat together as they had done over a thousand times before. How was he supposed to stay unhappy when he had his friends around him?
"I'm sorry, Padfoot," said Peter, face looking solemn.
"What? What is it?" Sirius asked, but what it was exactly soon became apparent. Peter's face twitched as he fought to keep his expression solemn and sincere. Sirius' brows drew together in confusion and then his eyes closed tightly in consternation
"Ach, Wormtail!" Sirius said stepping back and fanning the unpleasant smell away from his nose. I've encountered rotten 'tuber puss that smelled less vile. Go stand by the window!" he commanded, covering his nose with one hand and pointing imperiously with the other. Peter chuckled and walked away from his suffering friend and Sirius looked at James and Remus exasperatedly.
"He's like a human dungbomb."
"I can smell it from here," Remus complained. "I can handle the fur and fangs and turning into a monster bit, that's fine. But the worst thing about being a werewolf is the heightened sense of smell. It's torture around you lot."
This caused raucous laughter from the other three. Sirius then howled, miming a prowling werewolf menacing the 'villagers'. Remus and James, playing their part well dramatically ran for the hills (which in this case was the other side of the sofa.) The werewolf continued to bite and snarl until he came upon Peter, took one sniff, and promptly keeled over.
James head flew back as he roared with unbridled laughter. It was like they were all in school again.
"Wait, I smell something!" Remus shouted over the stentorian hilarity.
"We know, we know," said Peter.
"No, this isn't a joke. I really do smell something."
"I swear on Merlin's grave, Wormtail, if you've ripped another I will…"
"It's not Wormtail," Remus interjected. "It smells like… burning hair."
Completely sobered James stopped laughing as his head shot back up. He groped around his head and rubbed away the little sparks that remained in his singed mop. He had forgotten about the candle again. The three of his friends were floating by the door, dripping wax on Lily's carpet. He'd clean that up later.
His hair catching on fire had caused his friends to breakdown in fresh peals of mirth, but this time James didn't join them.
How old had Marlene been? Only 26? 27? Still very young. He looked around at his mates. How young they all still were. Look at them laugh they way they did when they were boys in Hogwarts. Had they really grown up since then? He wasn't so sure now. They had graduated and entered the 'real world.' James had thought that he had suddenly become an adult the moment he entered auror training. After all the things he had seen and done in his dark profession he thought of himself older, wiser, more mature. And he was compared to the prat he had been at school but…
He was suddenly struck by the realisation that he was far too young for all the serious things going on. They all were. Only 23, 24, not even a fifth of the way through life. Why were people like Dumbledore leaving such important things to such, well… whippersnappers like them? That's exactly what they were, he could see it now; they were the very definition of whippersnappers: unimportant but offensively presumptuous young people.
Forgetting to say goodbye to his friends or even tell them were he was going, he left… he left to pose that very question to the headmaster.
"How can you entrust something so important to people so young? The future! The safety of the future world is at stake and you leave it in the charge of people who still find flatulation funny! Surely that is a warning sign! How can we be ready if we… I mean… I still collect Chocolate Frog cards for pity's sake!"
"James, sit down," the headmaster bade the distressed boy professor in front of him. James did what he was told and sat, taking deep breaths to make up for all that shouting he hadn't realised he had been doing. "Firstly, the future always rests in the hands of children. Secondly, children are just as capable as adults in doing great things and showing outstanding courage, just as adults are just as capable as children when it comes to making mistakes and learning from them. Thirdly, you are an intelligent, capable wizard and I trust you to make the right decisions when the situation arises and fourthly…" he paused to take a breath. "Everyone finds flatulation amusing. You just aren't allowed to admit it after you turn 30."
"Really?" James asked, not sure if he meant about the age limit of 30 or all the other things. Still, he was relieved either way.
"James, what is it that you are really afraid of?"
"I… don't know," James said voicing the realisation as it had struck him. "I'll have to think about it I suppose," he said awkwardly. "Sorry for the erm… interruption." 'Interruption' sounded much better than the just as truthful, 'minor mental breakdown in your office.'
Dumbledore smiled and nodded James out of the room. As he walked back to Lily's he wondered what it was exactly that he was afraid of. Well, he was afraid of many things, losing Lily and his friends for a start. But he thought he was beginning to understand why he had reacted the way he had. He had felt guilty for laughing and that had frightened him. Would laughter have to go? Were they allowed to laugh? Have fun? Be happy in such dark times when everyone else was scared and miserable? Would even the mighty marauders fall?
He felt like the sound of the merest chuckle was disrespectful to Marlene and all the others who had died. If he laughed did that mean he wasn't taking things seriously?
Two sides of James Potter were in sharp conflict. He was an auror, he wanted to fight injustice. But he was also a marauder; he wanted life and laughter and good times.
Did that make him an irresponsible adult, or did that make him a child? Or did that simply make him human…
x
"Well, the colour is better now at least," Madame Pomfrey commented as she inspected Lily's middle, though Lily could tell the healer was reaching, trying to find something positive to say. "Perhaps you should…"
"Should what?" she asked, anxious to hear any suggestion Pomfrey may have. She would try anything to get rid of the unsightly burns.
"No. It would do no good."
"It might," Lily said hopefully. "I'll try anything."
"Then perhaps you should try to avoid getting yourself into… situations."
Lily didn't know what Madame Pomfrey had been about to say but she was fairly certain it hadn't been 'situations'.
"I work hard in Defence Against the Dark Arts, but where the defending bit ends, healing begins." How true, Lily thought. Healing really should be part of DADA, not the result of it.
"I meant…"
"I know what you meant," Lily said, cutting her off. "But on a slightly different topic, do you remember our conversation last month about adding healing to the curriculum?"
"I think it just as unlikely now as it…"
"What if it was part of another class," Lily interrupted.
"You mean to say…"
"Yes," she broke in again. Not allowing the healer to speak was apparently a new bad habit Lily had picked up. "I haven't worked out exactly how just yet, but would you be willing?"
Madame Pomfrey made a wary face. Lily knew she wasn't unwilling, just uncertain.
"It's not your place to change the school's curriculum."
"Well, as you so often complain, I'm often where I oughtn't to be. But in this case I'm within my power. As head girl I can make suggestions. In fact, any student or teacher is allowed to make suggestions. I could ask Professors Dumbledore and Potter, but if you aren't willing then there would be no point."
"If the headmaster and Potter agree, then I will."
Lily smiled with grim determination as she put back on her shirt. There was no stopping the killing curse, there had been little hope for Marlene; but if they knew how to heal, at least her classmates would be better fit to help themselves and their loved ones after they left Hogwarts.
She walked out of the Hospital Wing with a purposeful stride. She had fully intended to go to Dumbledore at that very moment, but when she took a pause to let her candle catch up with her she began to have second thoughts.
Slowly she turned around and started back to her own room at a distinctly less determined pace. Actually, that was a gross overstatement for she had stopped walking completely and plonked herself down on one of the steps in the middle of the staircase that lead from the fourth floor to the fifth.
It could wait until Sunday, she decided. The interment would be that afternoon. She wouldn't trouble Dumbledore with anything until after that. What time was it now, she wondered. Must be past midnight. The thought made her miss Mercury.
"Fancy meeting you here."
"Oh James, you startled me."
"You should have heard me."
"Wasn't listening."
"Obviously. What about this step intrigues you so much that you sat down? Waiting for me were you?"
"Waiting for you? I didn't even know you'd gone anywhere."
"Dumbledore," he said pointing in the direction of the old man's office.
"Why?"
James shook his head. "Nothing. No real reason."
"I was on my way there myself as a matter of fact."
"Sidetracked, were you? Staircase too interesting to pass up?"
"Decided my piece could wait until later."
"And so you decided to wait here until later came, eh?"
Lily shrugged. "I didn't even realise I had done it."
"Well let's find someplace a trifle more commodious to rest our rear ends, hmm?" he asked, offering a hand. She took it and he pulled her to her feet. She smiled to herself almost embarrassedly. She couldn't help but notice how handsome he was. Still was. She had known it before of course but sometimes she forgot to look at him in the normal way. 'Love looks not with the eyes,' and all that. She smiled, remembering that Helena was the name of one of James' brooms.
She often just saw him as James, a presence, an omnipresence that completed her, allowed her to be. It was odd for Lily to think of him as just a man when to her he was so much more.
He cocked on eyebrow, a roguish grin lighting his eyes and darkening his features. A model mask of mischief.
"What?" she asked.
"You are making that face again."
"What face?"
"My favourite one… but alas, the lads'll be waiting."
"I wasn't making a face," she said, uncomfortably aware of how much effort she needed to exert in order to keep from pouting.
James chuckled. "Your countenance, my dear, is as expressive as it is beautiful." He brought her hand up to kiss the inside of her wrist.
"They have returned!" Sirius announced when James and Lily walked back into the common room.
James bowed dramatically before he waltzed Lily across the room and spun her recklessly into the sofa where she promptly sat, more out of necessity than an actual desire to.
"Fancy stepping there, mate," Peter pointed out. This reminded Lily of her other responsibilities. She got right back up again. Seeing no parchment or quills handy she popped into her room to get them.
A moment later she sat back down in front of the fire and spread a fresh sheet of parchment out in front of her. Spinning the plume between her thumb and forefinger she tried to make a decision.
"Who is better, 'The Libidinous Lycanthropes' or "The Dung Beetles?'" she asked the room at large.
James and Sirius' answers were immediate. "Dung Beetles," they said in the exact same time with the identical tones of unwavering certainty.
"Remus? Peter?"
"I like both," said Remus with a shrug. "But I'm no authority when it comes to music and my opinion may be a bit biased, considering."
Lily looked then to Peter who looked to Sirius and James before turning back to Lily to reply "The Dung Beetles."
She squinted suspiciously at Peter and the questionable sincerity of his answer but she let it pass and said, "alright then," and wrote her letter. It was short and she sent it off quickly.
"Why the sudden opinion poll, Cariad? Not that I mind."
"I'm planning a school function for Hogwarts and I was trying to choose a band."
"Since when are we having a 'function'?" James asked.
"Since Dumbledore said so. Thinks a dance would be a nice morale booster for the students. I'm thinking Saturday the 16th, the weekend after Valentine's. "
"How romantic…" Remus said with a hint of condescension.
"Kids love that kind of stuff. Plus I want them to have something to look forward to that they won't have to wait too long for."
"Do you have a theme?" asked Sirius.
"Not yet. I'm tempted to say wear whatever you want, be it fancy dress robes, costume, or pyjamas."
"Might want to choose one," suggested Sirius sarcastically. Lily opened her mouth to say something but Sirius cut her off. "And by that I mean might want to choose one that doesn't involve sleepwear of costumes." She shut it again and he continued. "Costumes, while fun when you are 8, have no place in a fancy affair. That goes double for the sleepwear." He shook his head disappointedly at her and gave her a 'you should know better' look.
"What's the point of coming in fancy dress if people are just going to be rocking out to the Dung Beetles?" she asked.
"Because you don't start out with the Dung Beetles," he said with more patience than he generally used with this level of stupidity. "You open with classic instrumental and then you unleash the Beetles," he explained with only a roll of his eyes.
"Well," Lily snapped. "Seeing as you've gone this far, are you going to pick out the cut and colour of my dress as well?"
Sirius gave her a good look up and down, earning him a slap from James. He ignored his friend and said, "If you knew what was good for you, you would."
"What is that supposed to mean?" James asked. If James hadn't, Lily would have, for she was wondering the same thing.
"Meaning that I know more about being a girl than Lily does."
"But I am a girl," she pointed out unnecessarily.
"Yes, and that's what makes it so sad."
"Oi!" she cried, offended. "Which is sadder, a girl who doesn't know how to be a girl, or a bloke that does!"
"Ooh, a hit!" called Peter.
Sirius shrugged, unaffected. "Fine, but don't come crying to me the day of your little soirée begging me to show you how to use eyeliner."
"Use what?" she asked. Sirius raised his eyebrows, determining whether or not she was being serious. Convinced that she was, in fact, even more clueless than he had previously thought, he turned to James.
"I'm sorry, Prongs, she's a hopeless case. Drop her now before it's too late."
It was James' turn to shrug unaffectedly. "Already too late. I guess we will have to persevere without the eyeliner, my dear," he said to Lily. She went over and sat down in the lap of her sympathiser and his arms found their way around her waist. She gave Sirius the most mature 'so there' look, she could manage. It wasn't an easy task.
One corner of his mouth went up in a knowing grin. "We'll talk later," he promised. It sounded more like a declaration of war to Lily, and she wasn't very confident in her ability to win that particular battle. Sirius was a man with superior taste and she really did respect his opinions in things he was obviously more knowledgeable about. He was a rich, well bred (make that pure bred), model. He knew beauty and style. She was a poor muggle born, who wouldn't know class if it kicked in the body part that rhymed with it. He was right, what did she know? She never really gave much thought to her own appearance. Was Sirius trying to tell her something?
He was now perusing her bookshelf. Finding one that interested him (An Historic Account of the Evolution of Charm Work since the Middle Ages) he sat back down in the armchair opposite them and began flipping through it. After a few minutes of reading his brow furrowed and he asked, "Why did you underline this bit about 'household charms and their deviations?"
"Do you really think I need eyeliner?" Yes, she realised that the subject had long since passed and it didn't answer his question at all but she couldn't stop herself from asking. Sirius didn't even look up at her.
"Darling, you know I think you're gorgeous." He turned the page. James tightened his hold around her.
Not only did that sound very unconvincing it didn't match up with what he said earlier. "Then what was that whole 'me not knowing how to be a girl' thing about?"
"That was nothing, cariad. Forget I said it. And what's this note in the margin for? The one about the statute of secrecy…"
x
Now he'd done it, thought Sirius. Part of her charm was that she was in some ways rather unfeminine and now he'd gone and made her insecure. He couldn't very well tell her the truth in front of James; that she looked perfectly shag-worthy without eyeliner, for that would only win him a very unforgiving hex from the 11 inches of pliable Mahogany sticking out of Prongs' pocket. He didn't want to leave it as it was, either, with Lily second guessing herself.
What a fool he was becoming. There he was, trying tip toe through the tulips to avoid hurting a bird's feelings. Except it was more like lilies, and it wasn't exactly just any bird. What could he do? Not wanting to stay silent for too long he said something, anything to keep it from turning awkward from his lack of response. Of course, being Sirius, it would be a rather knob-headed thing to say.
"Are you going to answer my question at all?"
"Are you going to answer mine?"
"I asked you first," he countered, not liking at all how childish his argument sounded.
She crossed her arms and said "What Hodder describes as household spells of the 1500s is true, they haven't themselves changed but what constitutes as a household spell has. You don't know how to pluck a chicken, do you?"
Sirius looked disgusted. "Certainly not."
"I do," Peter commented.
"Oh you do not," Sirius tossed over his shoulder.
"And the same thing applies to security and the statue of secrecy. There, your questions are answered."
"Thank you."
There was a moment where Lily waited expectantly for an answer that Sirius was reluctant to give. "Well? Aren't you going to answer mine?"
"What?" Sirius asked, pretending he had momentarily forgotten. "Oh the eyeliner? No, you eyes stand out well enough as it is."
"Then why did you mention it?"
"It was the first useless female contraption I could think of. Women are always obsessed with stupid trifles they've been tricked into thinking they need. Your feminine touch leans entirely to the care and nurturing side rather than hair potions and decorating."
"So what you meant was…" both of them had to back through the conversation to its beginning to remember what had started the whole thing. "You are going to help me plan this thing because I haven't the dimmest idea of what I'm doing and you do?" It sounded like an admission and a dare at the same time. Her, admitting she didn't know, and daring him to say it. He wouldn't, of course.
"Are you asking for my help?"
"I don't need your help," she snapped.
"Of course not. Lily Evans doesn't need anyone's help with anything," he said sarcastically. Seeing the girl visible wilt at this he added peaceably, "I know you don't need my help but do you want it anyway? It would give me something to do, I'm not doing much at present." An outright lie, of course, but it would hardly be the first one he'd ever told and it certainly wouldn't be the last.
x
The roles were reversed from what they had been last night, she realised. He had been the one needing her help, though reluctant (downright unwilling) to admit it and now here she was in the exact same position. She didn't like her new standing, but she supposed it put her and Sirius back on even footing. Still there was something else there, something behind that 'generous' peace offering of help. She went over to him, and leaning over so that they were eye to eye she squinted at him calculatingly.
x
"You're up to something, Black," she accused smoothly. "And I will find out what it is."
"No you won't," he said confidently. Even golden hearted Lily wouldn't think that Sirius was doing something solely for the sake of someone else. Her very accusation proved that point. He didn't know if he was hurt or relieved. Actually, yes he did. He was very much relieved. He'd have to start taking a firmer control on his nicer impulses; they were bound to get him in trouble. "But you are welcome to try," he added, giving her head a condescending pat just for good measure. And by 'just for good measure' he meant 'just to piss her off'.
She gave him a grin that had challenge accepted all over it and then went back to join James. She had just sat down when a bird, an owl, to be exact, swooped in.
"It's addressed to Lily," Peter noted. Remus, being the gentleman, went to take the letter from the owl to give to Lily but it bit him viciously.
"Bloody…" Remus hissed, not finishing the appropriate invective as drops of that scarlet liquid dripped down his finger.
"Oh dear," Lily said getting up to inspect the poor bitten hand. Not taking her wand out she fixed it for him before turning on the rather ill tempered animal with her letter. She was rather reluctant to try.
"I'll do it," Sirius offered, getting up to have ago. The bird screeched loudly and lashed out with a talon.
"Merlin!" he cried. "That is one bloody minded bird!"
Sirius didn't know at what point James had risen and joined them, but there his stood by Lily, examining the owl with curiosity. "Perhaps it is only to let Lily take it," he suggested. "Go on, try."
Lily looked trustingly at James and then back to the bird. Sirius wondered if she would be convinced to approach a mad animal like that had it been anyone but James who had suggested it.
With trepidation she stepped toward it, reaching a cautious hand out to touch it. She didn't reach for the letter, but for the bird's feathers which she stroked. It seemed to calm both the girl as well as the owl. When she removed the letter from its leg it swooped away immediately. Clearly it didn't expect or want a response.
Curiously all four men crowded around her to see what it was and who it was that sent it. She looked at them all a bit nervously and they all backed off, clearing their throats, looking away in various directions pretending they weren't the nosy parkers they really were.
Lily opened the paper; all eyes were (surreptitiously) on her. She stared at it for a moment as if it were a riddle before her eyebrows shot up as if in sudden, surprised comprehension. She flew into her bedroom, shutting the door behind her.
The marauders looked at each other with expressions of varying mixtures of curiosity and puzzlement.
x
James had just made up his mind to go in after her when she came flying out again, that same parchment in hand. She went immediately to the fireplace and placed the note therein. James, and surely the other marauders as well, wanted to stop the letter from burning, their curiosities not yet satisfied, but of course she had a right to do whatever she wanted with her own letter, with her own fire, and in her own room. She went back to the window and looked out.
"Lily, what are…" James began. Lily bounded toward him, taking both his hands in hers. Her smile was nervous, but sincere, as was James' bafflement.
"It looks like Hagrid is still up. Fancy a visit?" she asked.
"Erm..."
"Mercury is out, I saw him from the window."
"Erm..."
Keeping hold of his hands she turned around to face the others. "Anyone want to come to Hagrid's with me? Sirius, you've never met Mercury."
"No, I'll go I'll go," James insisted. Lily turned back to him, beaming. Before he knew it he was being pulled out the portrait hole, and looking confusedly back at his friends, who just as confusedly followed.
xx
Lily stared at the writing on the page, recognising the hand. It was the same nigh illegible scrawl that covered the margins of her advanced potions text. Only two words were written and it took her another moment of dizzy surprise for her to finally understand what they might mean.
Racing into her room she ripped off her shirt and bandages the moment the door was locked behind her. Taking another quick look at the parchment to make sure she had the words right she shakily pointed her wand at the burn around her middle. Hoping that it was what she thought it was she whispered the incantation.
A second passed and she was overcome with disappointment and fear that she hadn't got it right, or worse, that it wasn't a healing spell at all. After the next second however all her doubts vanished with the almost painful tingling sensation that circled her torso.
Bouncing nervously on her toes, Lily clenched her teeth and abdominal muscles and waitied for it to be over. It came later rather than sooner. When the odd tingling finally did stop she bounded into the bathroom to inspect herself.
Gone. Entirely gone. She could have squealed with delight but of course she didn't. Still, she was alive with giddy energy and she quickly applied the same spell to her ankles and wrists.
Not up to telling the marauders, especially Sirius, about it she rewrapped the bandages around her,so as not to draw attention to the sudden and suspicious lack of burns.
She was no longer disgusting. No longer a charred and deformed. These happy thoughts overpowered the darker more conflicting ones that she told herself she would address later. She was almost shaking now. What she wanted to do was change into a doe and run wild for an hour or two, shake out all the extra energy she suddenly seemed to have. She went to the window to have a look out on the grounds she knew she was denied. She was confined to the castle unless she could get others to come with her.
Well, considering who the others were, it wasn't so disparaging. It would be much easier to convince these particular adventurous young men to go out on the grounds in the middle of the night than it would if she were faced with anyone else.
Glancing over to see if there was any smoke coming from Hagrid's chimney to find out if he was still awake, she was surprised to see a flash of silver.
"Mercury," she said aloud, bouncing on her toes again, still buzzing. She sent a patronus down to tell him to wait there, she'd be coming soon.
x
Sirius thought she might have overdone a cheering charm by the way she fizzed when she came out, pleading with James to go outside with her. Had the letter been from Hagrid that made her want to visit him? What was she on about? Prongs looked just as befuddled as he felt, although Sirius was certain he didn't let that befuddlement show so stupidly on his face as his friend did.
With a shrug, Sirius followed them out to Hagrid's. Since it looked like no one else was going to ask, he would.
"So Lily, why the sudden change of mood? You look like a lad who just had his wand polished for the first time."
Lily gave him a slight frown at the lewd metaphor but let it pass, not responding. Sirius had to try again. "Interesting letter?"
James, Peter, and Remus all looked at him as if this had been the wrong thing to say. Perhaps it had been. Perhpas he shouldn't have. Perhaps it was rude and an invasion of her privacy.
Perhaps he didn't care.
"Oh that," she said, waving a hand in the air dismissively. "No, I just saw Mercury through the window and really want to see him. It's been so long. You'll like him," she said assuredly.
"But he won't like you," James warned him out of the corner of his mouth.
Sirius was skeptical of her answer at first, thinking that this wasn't a suffecient enough reason for her nervous excitement, but the doubt faded away.
Slightly stunned by the sight of an impressive looking unicorn thundering toward them Sirius continued watching the way it and Lily carried on. James didn't look nearly as impressed as the others did. Even Sirius couldn't remain unmoved. There was just something about unicorns that simply stunned one in reverent awe. After a profoundly special moment shared only by the girl and beast, Mercury turned and dained to acknowledge James. And for Mercury, acknowldging meant poking him with the tip of his horn. It mustn't have been hard though, for James chuckled slightly and said "hey kid," in casual response.
It was odd to think of anyone being on such personal terms with something so... non-human. With anything else it would be strange or even embarrassing, but since it was a unicorn, he could only be touched. It wasn't like her unecessary kindness to houselves. This was a beautiful thing.
"Mercury, this is Sirius," she said. "And Remus and Peter."
The unicorn didn't look at all impressed and turned back to Lily. In fact, Sirius was certain that the unicorn was even more capable of showing superior disdain than he was. It was the first time Sirius had felt condescended to and he didn't like the feeling.
"Come on, let's see Hagrid," she cooed in its ear, and in a moment she was on top him and galloping away towards the half giant's hut, her floating candle falling further and further behind as it trailed after her.
"That… that…" Peter stuttered.
"That just… isn't done is it? You don't ride unicorns. I mean, it's just isn't done!" Sirius said, honestly shocked and slightly impressed.
James simply shrugged, apparently unimpressed. Strange that Prongs could remain impassive and indifferent about her taming a unicorn and yet he could wax poetic about her hexing abilities.
When the men finally reached Hagrid's the man (giant) himself was at the door waiting to welcome them.
"Allo Black, Remus, Peter," he said nodding to each of them in turn. "Potter." He gave Prongs a hearty smile and an even heartier pat on the back which caused him to cling to Sirius to keep him from falling over from the force.
He steadied his friend and they all entered the hut. Lily was sitting on the back steps, the door open to allow her to pet Mercury. It let in a tremendously unpleasant draft, but no one said anything so neither did Sirius.
"Sorry it's been a while Hagrid," Lily apologised.
"No…" Hagrid denied good naturedly. "Saw you just a bit ago at the meetin'."
"That doesn't count. It's been too long since we've just visited."
"Well, you were asleep, weren't yeh? Can't blame you for tha'."
"Erm… no, I suppose not," she replied awkwardly. Apparently there was more there than she let on.
James, who had taken a seat on the floor behind her seemed to be in on it, for he gallantly changed the subject.
"Not to bring up work or anything," James excused before he continued. "But what happened yesterday Hagrid? After Sirius and Remus joined you?"
"Well for a long while nothing at all 'appened. Round dusk the death eaters finally showed, but of course it was gone by then, just seein' if they were after it. O'course Dumbledore was right about that. Lost track of these two," he said pointing to Sirius and Remus.
"I lost you as well," Remus confirmed. "Found Sirius eventually, fighting with…"
Sirius shot him a warning look and quickly, almost imperceptibly, shook his head. His long hair swished though, betraying the head movement. Remus cleared his throat and quickly changed what he had been about to say to "such competence and skill so I left him to it to look for Hagrid. That's when Alastor, Frank and Alice arrived. Cleaned up quickly after that."
If anyone had noticed Remus' slight slip they didn't say anything. Peter took up the story from there, telling the other side of the story. Remus covertly gave him a questioning look which he ignored. When he chanced a glance at James he was sad to note that he too was looking at him with similar calculation and curiosity. Well, that wasn't so bad, so long as Lily didn't find out. The girl wasn't looking at him at all, she had turned her back to them all and continued to stroke the unicorn.
x
Lily wondered what, or rather who Remus was about to say but she thought she knew. There was probably only one death eater who Sirius would object them knowing he fought. Lily especially, because she knew just how badly he had come out of that fight, having healed his numerous injuries after he fell asleep.
She would say nothing about it.
x
Walking back to the castle much later, James took his best friend to the side to have a private word. He gave Remus a nod and the obliging werewolf offered his arm to Lily and they walked off ahead with Peter.
"Something you want to tell me?"
"Not particularly," Sirius replied with a sigh. James knew Sirius would cave and tell him. If he was really dead set on not talking about it he would have at least tried to act as if he had no idea as to what James was talking about.
"Be a sport and tell me anyway," he coaxed.
"Nothing really. Just nearly bested by Snape in a duel, that's all." James could tell Sirius had been careful to make sure his voice sounded light and apathetic. He always did that, it was just his way.
"That's not so bad," James said, doing his very best to mimic his friend's casual indifference.
Sirius shrugged. "No, I suppose not. Just…" He stopped, torn whether or not to reveal more. "Just…don't tell Lily," he said much more quietly. Perhaps he hoped James wouldn't hear.
"What? Why?" he asked.
Sirius let out an annoyed sort of growl. "Because she likes the creep."
"That's hardly," James began but Sirius cut him off.
"Let me finish. She likes the creep despite herself. She already feels guilty enough about it. Her knowing he knocked me for ten will just make her feel worse about liking him. She can't help it so just… don't tell her."
This little speech looked as if it had exhausted Sirius. He seemed deflated; his proud stride demoted to an ignominious trudge. James for one was somewhat astonished at his friend's sudden unbelievable thoughtfulness and consideration. 'Well no surprise,' he thought. 'He loves her, after all.' Not the same way James did, of course, but it did seem that caring for her was having a profoundly positive influence on his character. Same as it had with John Michaels. Same as it had with Snape.
But by Lily's own admission she hadn't spoken to Snape in ages, did she really care for him still as Sirius seemed to think? He wouldn't be surprised; he had been worrying about that himself.
"You think that she still does though? After all those years?"
"Snape clearly does."
"But…" Hmm, that was a fair point. If cold hearted Snape still cared, warm hearted Lily must as well. Still he had to make another attempt at an argument. "But… but…" And a very lame attempt it turned out to be.
"I know she does, mate. She doesn't want to admit it but she does."
"What makes you so certain?"
"Because the reason she went to you on Christmas, the reason she went to tell you she loved you was…" He stopped to heave an agitated sigh. "Because I told her you saved his life."
Ouch. That was pretty clear. Painfully clear, as a matter of fact. James hardly knew how to feel about it. He knew that they would have got together anyway, perhaps that very same day, but knowing that Snape had been the catalyst bothered him. He had been content thinking it had been Sirius' perseverance combined with their own love for each other.
He clenched a fist. If he hadn't already burned that letter from Snape he would certainly do so now.
Letter. Burnt.
She herself had burned a letter that very evening. Had it been from him?
"Tonight when she got the note from that mad owl… You don't think it was from…?"
"Why would it be?"
"She normally shows me her mail. She wouldn't let anyone read it, she disappeared to her own room to do it and she burned it immediately afterwards. Isn't that how a guilty person would act?" Who else would be writing her that she wouldn't want to tell us about?"
"But you forget one thing. She was practically giddy when she came back out. Not exactly the signs of someone feeling guilty."
"Well, perhaps she was just excited to see Mercury. You can see how much she loves him." Even though he had just been grasping desperately for any answer to account for her excitement, James found that the explanation was entirely possible. He was quite sure of his new theory but Sirius didn't seem as convinced.
"Who knows. You can get it out of her later. I think I'm going to get back to London."
"You know you can stay here, mate. It's already passed two."
"All the same, I'd rather sleep in my own bed. I plan on not leaving it for a full 12 hours."
"If you insist."
"Indeed I do. Tell the others bye for me."
"Will do."
"And enjoy all the wonderfulness that is Saturday."
"Will definitely do." They grinned at each other and Sirius turned around to walk back to the village by himself, his candle flickered in the wind but didn't go out.
James jogged a bit to catch up with the others, getting there just in time to hear the punch line to another one of Wormtail's famous jokes. Where he came up with these things James had no idea.
Lily and Remus were laughing and Peter grinned proudly at his own humour. James felt slightly sorry that he had missed it.
He was about to put his arm around Lily's waist, but remembering the burn he placed it about her shoulders instead. She leaned into him lovingly and once again James was stuck by the urge to hold tight to her and hide her from the rest of the world. It was so strong he felt his muscles twitch.
"Cold?" she asked, looking up to him. He shook his head, smiling down at her, unable to resist kissing her quickly while the other two weren't looking.
It was another three quarters of an hour before they left Remus and Peter fighting over who got the bed and returned to the privacy of James' chambers.
"Darling before we get into anything there is something I need to tell you," she said trying to untangle herself from him. She found it rather difficult, seeing as his limbs didn't seem willing to cooperate.
"Alright," he said readjusting himself into a position better suited to making conversation as opposed to making… anything else. "Is it about the letter?" he asked.
"Yes, as a matter of fact, it is."
"Was it from him?"
Lily's eyes widened in surprised disbelief. "Who him?"
"Snape," he said reluctantly. He hadn't really wanted to say the name for some reason.
"How did you know?" she asked in a little mouse of a voice. Sirius must be right. She was certainly ashamed.
"I could tell. But it looked as though you didn't want to talk about it so I didn't press."
"Not in front of the others. Not in front of Sirius."
"Why? What did it say?"
"Only two words. A spell."
"Which one?"
"I had never heard it before but I had an idea. When I tried it worked. They're gone; I'm healed."
"You mean…?" His hand automatically went to her middle. She nodded and he put a careful hand beneath the bandage. Nothing. Nothing but her usual perfectly smooth skin.
"He just got so angry last time Severus helped me, I didn't want to put him through that again. Sirius hates him and so he should. Being kind to me doesn't erase all the terrible things he's done and he should be free to hate him without worrying about what he might have done for me. Especially after what Severus did to him yesterday."
"How did you know that?"
"Well, I didn't know for certain. I only guess it was he who is to blame for Sirius' dislocated shoulder, cracked ribs, ruined ankle and battered knee." She said this with more wrath than James had ever heard from her before. "Ugh, he keeps hurting people I love!" she said, pounding a pillow angrily.
"Sirius didn't want you to know."
She looked up from the pillow, face melting from angry to affectionate. "I know, the dear."
"Who else has Snape hurt?"
The face fell from affectionate to ashamed. "You," she said quietly, no longer looking at him.
"Me?" James asked. "He's never touched me."
"Not directly, but that spell Togglepike used to try to kill you, Sectumsempra, was Severus' invention," she reluctantly admitted before returning to try to pound the pillow into feathery oblivion. "He keeps hurting people so why can't I just…"
"Hate him?" James supplied. Lily gave up her assault on the innocent bedding and sank into it, the softness muffling her words that were already mumbled to intelligibility by shame. James understood her all the same. She wanted to hate him but she couldn't.
"Maybe you just aren't the hating kind."
"I hate Bellatrix," she spat clearly. "So why not him?"
James couldn't believe what he was about to say, the words as they passed his lips sounded so perverse but so true. "Because you never loved Bellatrix and she never loved you. You didn't know her when she was a child, before she became a death eater. You didn't grow up with her. Perhaps you can't truly hate someone if you've seen and felt their goodness, however small."
"Do you hate him?" she asked simply. She stared at him, blinking, waiting for an answer he couldn't give. No matter how he replied he would be ashamed. Ashamed if he did, ashamed if he didn't.
"That's too complicated a question for such an unreasonable hour of the morning," he replied, caring very little how clumsy his retreat from the conversation had been.
"Alright," she said peaceably allowing the conversation to end. She only added one thing. "Let's never mention Severus Snape again."
"My dear, nothing would please me more."
Talking Snape had completely banished even the merest possibility of any romantic undertakings so he simply wrapped his arm around her and closed his eyes and thought.
Both Sirius and Lily were keeping the truth about Snape to themselves; trying to spare the other the pain of knowledge.
"Don't ever keep something from me to try and spare me," he whispered.
"I won't."
"And don't ever leave me," he whispered even more softly.
"I won't."
x
It was nearing noon when they got out of bed. After stuffing themselves in the kitchens (to the delight of Poppy and her co-workers) James made a proclamation.
"It is Saturday and all work of any kind is therefore forbidden. You have a few options, Miss Evans, and I think you can guess what they are."
Indeed she did. The first part of the afternoon was spent writing scandalous things on classroom blackboards.
"Lovely alliteration James, but don't you think it sounds more Potter-like than Peeves? The poltergeist has a proclivity for baser rhymes."
James grinned at Lily's own alliteration but stood back a step to inspect his work. She was right. While a masterpiece in its own way, he doubted that McGonagall would believe Peeves would bother himself with iambic pentameter.
"I suppose you're right," he admitted sadly. He raised his want to erase it but Lily grabbed hold his sleeve and yanked it back down again.
"Wait!" she cried. "Copy it down and use it in another classroom! Doubt Slughorn is as well acquainted with your poetic style as McGonagall is. He couldn't tell the difference between Peeves, Poe, Platt or Potter."
James produced his little notebook and the lurid sonnet was copied. Lily put up a bit of a fight when they came to Flitwick's classroom. She argued that the Charms professor was such a sweet old thing he didn't deserve to have nasty things written on his blackboard but James insisted, although it was much tamer than his other works.
"What shall we write on yours then?" said Lily.
"Why mine?"
"Thoroughness. It will look suspicious if you are the only one without."
"I'll just say I erased it before anyone else saw it."
Lily raised an eyebrow sceptically but didn't argue.
After a leisurely but playful splash in the prefects' bathroom James suggested either dinner in Hogsmeade or a fly somewhere else. Of course she chose to fly somewhere else. She would not be seen in public with him so close to Hogwarts.
x
Cosily reclining on the same rock that jutted out over the same lake in the same forest that they had once before, Lily's mind wandered in a direction she rather wished it didn't. She had said she never wanted to talk of him again, but that didn't stop her from thinking about him.
Should she write back and thank him? The bird hadn't stayed, but she knew Severus well enough to know how little that meant. Having the bird wait would be admitting that he wanted her to reply, which wasn't something he would likely admit. Again, he reminded her of Sirius.
However, it was just as likely that he really didn't want a response. It was just as dangerous for him (probably more so) for them to be in contact.
That night after James fell asleep she eased herself out of bed and tip toed into her common room. Fire blazing in the hearth still, she sat down at her table, quill in hand, ink pot at the ready. She could think of nothing to say but 'thank you'. But two words do not a letter make. On the other hand, he had only written two words, so why couldn't she?
Thank you
It looked even more pathetic after she wrote it so she crumpled it up and tossed it into the fireplace. Sighing, she leaned back into her couch and picked up a two day old Prophet to peruse until she could think of what to write.
The article on the front page was appalling. Which is really only the beginning, it read, of how we intend on making the wizarding world a better and safer place. We would like to say thank you to all those who donated. Without your faithful support and generosity SCDDHB and PAX would still be only a dream instead of a flourishing reality…
Lily let out a snort of indignant laughter as she tossed the paper onto the table.
"Ignorant fools," she spat. PAX indeed. Their mission had nothing to do with peace or making the wizarding world safer. It was racism, pure and simple. The Society for the Capture and Destruction of Dangerous Half Breeds, the upper branch known as PAX, or Purebloods Against Crossbreeds was as offensive as it was frightening. (In other words, offensive and frightening in the extreme.) These people were actually in the government. It was only a matter of time before they made it a bone fide law instead of just a Ministry backed 'charity' group. It made Lily's blood boil, parading hate under the guise of peace and murder under the banner of goodwill. She violently hoped that everyone else saw through it. She picked up the Prophet to chuck it into the fire as well when one of the lines caught her eye. "We would like to say thank you…" It gave her an idea of how she could do it. Even though he willingly chose to join them he had also willingly betrayed them and risked his own life to save hers and give her the spell to heal her burns. It was only polite to thank him. It was the least she could do and the most she could bring herself to do. Now all she needed was a bit of knotgrass…
x
The sun shone weakly on the shabby houses of Spinners End that wintry Sunday morning, and not at all on the shabbiest one at the very end. The fog was thick and the frost painted all the windows of every car on the street, except for the one at the very end because there was no car.
Still, no fog or frost would stop the proud little Petersons from going to church. Little Adam Peterson was jumping up and down to keep warm as his father scraped the windshield. He couldn't help but glance nervously over his shoulder at the ominous house at the far end that surpassed the other houses in filthiness and unkemptness. Adam knew that a madman lived there; he'd seen him with his very own eyes.
The boy happened to be looking back at the madman's house just in time to see something very peculiar indeed through the fog.
"Da! An owl! Look'it!" he cried, pointing. Mr. Peterson knew that owls were nocturnal and that there was no chance of seeing anything through this fog, much less a bird, but he turned around to humour his son anyway and pretended to look.
"Don't see it."
"But there was one," the boy insisted.
"Yes yes," he said, turning back to the business of scraping ice off the windshield. His son was always imagining things. Claiming to have spotted an owl was the least inventive of his tales.
The 'madman' was at the table sipping his tea waiting for the Sunday Prophet. When an owl flew in and dropped a paper on the table Severus reached into his pocket to pull out a knut or two to pay the bird but the owl didn't wait. It simply swooped in, dropped its load, and swooped out again. Finding it very odd he reached for it anyway and unfolded it. What was the meaning of this? He had already read about PAX and the SCDDHB three days ago. He was about to get angry when he caught the faint whiff of something. Could it be? He swore it was. He was an expert potion brewer, and as a group they prided themselves for their excellence senses of smell. There was no mistaking it. Knotgrass; his favourite scent since he was a boy and had first started brewing. As he continued unfolding it a small bundle of the little green weed fell out. He bent to the ground to pick it up and he hung it from the doorframe tip down so it would dry out.
She used to do that for him all the time. After he had graduated and couldn't afford his own potion ingredients she would nick them from the student cupboard at Hogwarts, sending them in a newspaper, just so.
Sometimes even if he didn't need anything she'd send a sprig of knotgrass just because she knew he liked it.
Going back to the paper he rifled through he pages, looking for but not really expecting to find an accompanying letter. He sighed and was about to put the paper back down when a line of colour caught his eyes. Two words had been underlined in red ink.
Thank you
Another owl flew in with yet another paper, this time waiting impatiently to be paid before flying off. He chucked the Sunday Prophet immediately into the fire. He was perfectly content with the paper he had…
x
As she planned, Lily went to see the headmaster on Sunday afternoon. Dumbledore was delighted with the idea and gave his permission so long as both Pomfrey and Potter were both willing. Defence Against the Dark Arts would soon be melded with just had to run it by James.
He was sitting comfortably on her sofa in front of the fire looking at his small book of notes. When he heard her come in, he automatically shifted so she could sit next to him, presenting his shoulder and chest as her ready pillow. She settled herself in before she made her proposal.
"Look, I've been doing some," he began at the same time she started with "There's something I've been working on and I need your…" They both stopped.
"Sorry, you go," she offered.
"Ladies first, I insist."
"Oh… alright well I talked to Madame Pomfrey and Dumbledore and they will both agree to it if you will. Now don't shoot it down before I finish, but what if you added a section on healing to your curriculum? Have Madame Pomfrey give a lecture or two and have students go to her for a few hours during their free time for some practical training. I know it's not on the NEWTs but it's really important all the same. Obviously it will take some time to organise so your lesson tomorrow or this week wouldn't be changed but…" James silenced her long continuous line of speech by placing a hand over her mouth. He needed to think but he was too shocked to. The mention of classes tomorrow had run what he was going to say about the department for magical transportation right out of his head, along with just about every other useful thought. Only one buzzed there now 'Class. Tomorrow.' It was terrifying and confusing. He hadn't seen Lily in uniform for a month, hadn't even thought of her as a student. As his student.
Panic.
They were at Hogwarts, how could he have forgotten? Well, it just went to show how James Potter continued to defy expectation and achieve the seeming unachievable. He was sure no one had reached this level of dim-witted obliviousness.
What was he supposed to do now? Why was he suddenly very uncomfortable with the idea? How in Merlin's name was he supposed to go to class, see Lily in her uniform sitting in the front row and act as if she were just a student? How had he coped with it before? Ah yes, he had been in denial. Nobody had known but himself. Things were different now and he didn't think Lily would appreciate him suddenly pretending she didn't exist. He could see her taking that personally. Frankly he didn't like that option either but he had no other idea of what he could do.
His mind buzzed uselessly, giving him no help or insight like it usually did in times of great panic and distress.
"Prongs!" Sirius voice sounded urgently out of his pocket. James fished out the mirror and blinked stupidly at his friend.
"Have you seen Mooney?" Sirius demanded quickly.
"Wha?" he asked, confused on so many levels.
"He's not here, all his things are missing. I have no idea where he might be. He's just… gone."
