Thanks as always to my superb beta riftintime.
Chapter 54
Jack Harkness hung from shackles aboard the Valiant. The Master had tortured him over and over again, delighting in finding new and innovative ways to kill him. Sometimes the Master would forget about Jack for a while, and Jack would be lulled into a false sense of security. Then the Master would return to amuse himself with a vengeance. Those were events Jack tried desperately to forget. Days turned into weeks, which turned into months.
Jack had endless amounts of time to think. It was often the only thing he had to do. He thought about everything that had happened with the Doctor and with Torchwood. He thought about his reunion with the Doctor. Jack had been ecstatic at first to be reunited with the Doctor. He had waited so long… even though the Doctor hadn't been thrilled to see him. He hadn't denied that he had abandoned Jack on the Satellite Five, but it was soon forgotten when he'd heard that Rose, Jackie and Mickey were alive and well, even if they were living in an alternate universe.
Then they had been running for their lives, excitement growing, adrenaline pumping, and it had been exhilarating. Jack was finally exactly where he'd wanted to be for so long; on another adventure with the Doctor. Jack had missed it enormously. He'd missed the Doctor, and he'd missed their escapades. But most of all, he'd missed the sense of purpose he had in his unutterable awe and devotion to the Time Lord. He loved the Doctor. He was half in love with him, in an unrequited way. For a few blissful hours he felt like he had come home. He had been in such a good mood, flirting with everyone and everything around him. He hadn't felt that light-hearted in well over a hundred years.
Then they'd had that conversation. The one that Jack knew he would never forget in all the eternities he was destined to live. It had hurt. It had more than hurt, it had been devastating. He played the conversation over and over again in his head. The Doctor had admitted that he ran away from Jack. He had left him behind, just like Jack had feared. Jack would never forget the next words the Doctor had said.
"It's not easy just looking at you, Jack, 'cause you're wrong."
Jack felt the bile rising in his throat again as he remembered. He had uttered a sarcastic, "Thanks," but the Doctor couldn't just leave it at that.
"You are. I can't help it. I'm a Time Lord. It's instinct. It's in my guts. You're a fixed point in time and space. You're a fact. That's never meant to happen. Even the TARDIS reacted against you, tried to shake you off. Flew all the way to the end of the universe just to get rid of you."
All the way to the end of the universe, just to get rid of him… The one person he had wanted to be with more than anything, the person he had longed for, yearned for, the person for whom he had waited for over a hundred years couldn't stand to look at him. Jack was heartbroken.
As he hung from his shackles, trying to find a way to live with himself, trying to come to terms with everything the Doctor had told him, trying to find solace in some part of his past, he would remember his Torchwood team, especially Ianto Jones. Ianto had accepted him. Ianto wasn't afraid of him. Ianto saw past the smoke and mirrors of Jack's boisterous personality. Ianto saw him, and he could stand to look at him. He knew Ianto had cared about him, and Jack had screwed it up.
Jack remembered another part of his conversation with the Doctor, after he had explained that Jack was forever. They were in the year one hundred trillion and the Doctor had suggested that Jack might be out there somewhere. Jack had said, jokingly, that he could go and meet himself. And the Doctor had replied, "Well, it's the only man you're ever going to be happy with."
Jack had smiled and called him cheeky, but on reflection, it stung deeply. Did the Doctor have a point? He had messed things up with Ianto because he had met the real Captain Jack Harkness, and he was everything Jack, himself, wanted to be. That was just it, wasn't it? He had met the exemplary version of himself, and he had fallen for him. Had that been the purpose of sending him back to 1941? Was that Bilis' plan all along?
It dawned on Jack suddenly. He had been played. He had scorned his team because they had let themselves be manipulated by Bilis Manger, but he had been Bilis' greatest success. It was because of the real Captain Jack Harkness that Jack had drifted away from his team, enraged because they had torn him away from Captain Harkness, disguising it as anger at them for opening the Rift. He had blamed Owen for taking him away from Captain Harkness and Ianto for not stopping Owen, when Ianto had acted bravely and wisely.
Ianto… He had treated him appallingly. He had chastised Ianto for running hot and cold with him, but he had done the same thing with Ianto. He was such a hypocrite. He had cajoled Ianto into getting over Lisa and being with him. He had led Ianto on, and when Ianto had fallen for him, he had discarded him for Captain Harkness like Ianto had meant nothing to him. He had even told Captain Harkness that there was no one in his life. It had been a bold-faced lie. Did Ianto know that he had said that? Had Tosh overheard and told Ianto? Ianto probably knew everything that had happened in 1941. Ianto always knew everything. Considering the coldness with which Ianto had treated him after his return, he would lay odds on Tosh having told Ianto everything.
He had no one but himself to blame for what happened with Abaddon. He had pushed his team away, pushed Ianto away. He had denied everything that he and Ianto had been, and it had been a trap all along. All a part of the malevolent plan of Bilis Manger, and Jack had played right into his hands. No wonder his team had turned on him. No wonder Ianto betrayed him. How could he have been so stupid?
Ianto Jones had experienced so much devastation and grief in his short life, and yet he wasn't embittered. He was still kindhearted, considerate, and selfless – always putting the needs of the team and Jack before his own. Jack knew that Ianto had kept him at arm's length, not wanting to become too emotionally attached, and Jack had sweet-talked Ianto into falling for him. He had wanted Ianto's passion directed towards him, regardless of whether or not he could or would return it. He had unashamedly manipulated Ianto's emotions with no thought at all of Ianto's expense. Jack had used Ianto for his own selfish amusement. Ianto had been open and accepting of Jack, and Jack had treated him as an entertaining pastime while he waited for the Doctor to return.
It was no wonder the Doctor couldn't stand to look at him. How could he ever make it up to Ianto? Would Ianto ever forgive him? Would he ever see him again?
