Disclaimer: NO TWILIGHT FOR ME

Disclaimer: NO TWILIGHT FOR ME! (NO IDEA WHY I'M CAPS LOCKING EVERYTHING)

Author's Note: Howdy, how are you guys today? I'm delightful! :) I was reading some Twilight fics and getting incredibly excited for Breaking Dawn, then I went to Stephanie Meyer's website to see if, by some miracle, it was coming out like tomorrow. But there was no miracle. Tear…

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"We're on in five…four…three…two…one." A man standing next to a camera said as he pointed to the stage.

The lights came up, revealing Jasper in the spotlight. "Hello, everyone!" He waved. "It's time for another episode of 'Jasper'. Today, we are going to be trying to locate a boy named…" He looked at his card. "Embry Call's father."

A screen behind Jasper flickered on, showing Embry standing with headphones on waiting for his cue.

"Now, let's bring him out." Jasper motioned. Embry stood and walked on the stage from backstage. The crowd cheered as he descended the stairs. Embry waved and made his way over to the couch next Jasper. Jasper shook his hand, and then wiped it down his pants to get the werewolf germs off it.

"Hello, Embry. Now, it seems you are lacking a father and have come to figure out who it is, correct?" Jasper asked. Embry nodded. "Well, it seems there are forty-five thousand possibilities for your father, but we could only get five on this show, so here they are."

The five possible fathers appeared. Sam, Billy, Phil, Aro and Carlisle. They came down the stairs getting booed from the crowd to due the fact one of them could be a hugely bad parent.

The possible parents sat down, except for Billy, who just pulled up in his wheelchair, in four waiting chairs, while Jasper greeted the next guest.

"And to tell who's the low life that left their son, we have our very own relationship expert, Marcus, from the Volturi here." Jasper began to clap and the rest of the crowd joined in.

"Why in the world am I doing this?" Marcus mumbled. "Why do I care if the stupid werewolf has a father?" Embry heard him and started to cry like Jake did all too often.

"You made him cry." Jasper scolded. "Don't cry wolfie? It's ok, Dr. Whitlock-Hale-Cullen will make it all better." He rubbed Embry on the back while using his power.

"Humph." Was all Marcus could say. "Could we get this over with?"

"Fine. Let's begin with Sam Uley." Jasper turned to Sam who was distracted by a butterfly flying around the room. "Sam!"

"It's a pretty butterfly." Sam stood to catch the butterfly.

Jasper looked over to where Sam was now attempting to catch the insect. "Oh, it is pretty!" Jasper ran over and started jumping up and down trying to catch it as well.

Alice chose this moment to take over the show. The sign that read 'Jasper' was now replace with one that said 'The Alice Show'. "Ok then, we're going to have Marcus figure out who's the father. We'll start with Billy, since Sam and our former host are playing with a butterfly."

Billy rolled over, and Marcus looked at him strangely. Embry waited with wide, tear-filled eyes.

"You are NOT the father!" Marcus proclaimed.

"Oh, take that Embry! I'm not your dad! You're a terribly kid! I've already got one crybaby in my life, so I'm glad I don't have another one!" Billy began to roll away. Embry wailed as he heard the words from Billy. He wasn't his father. Embry was so sure…well actually he knew he wasn't.

Alice smiled. "Now, on to the next one. Phil." Phil stood looking very Phil-like.

Marcus closed his eyes to focus. "In the case of Embry Call…you are NOT the father!"

Phil began to cry. "How could you? How could you not be son? Even though I've never met you in my life? Why?" Phil sobbed. "Why does it have to be this way?" Hysterical, Phil ran off stage.

Looking a little disturbed, Alice decided to move on. "We have Aro from the Volturi next."

"I don't see how it's humanly possible that myself or Carlisle are this boy's father, considering we're both vampires." Aro said as he stood.

"Oh, it's not. We just couldn't get anyone else." She clapped her hands. "So, Marcus is Aro the father?"

"You are NOT the father!"

"Yes! I'm free! I you have no idea how hard it is knowing you possibly have a son! Oh, yeah!" Aro walked off, leaving a crying Embry.

Carlisle stood knowing he was next. "Do we even have to do this? I'm not the father."

"Shhh…Carlisle. Don't ruin the surprise." Alice put her finger over her lips. "Marcus?"

He shook his head.

"Ok, good. I'm going back to being a sexy model/doctor." Carlisle waved and left.

"Sam!" He turned as Alice yelled. "Can you come over here?"

"But the butterfly…" Jasper pushed him. Sam's head fell and he walked over.

"Ha, the pretty butterfly is mine." Jasper said while jumping.

"Marcus, is Sam the father?" Alice asked.

"You are NOT the father!"

"Good. Now back to my butterfly." Sam turned to see Jasper hopping and nearly getting a hold of the butterfly. "NO, THAT'S MINE!"

"Well, it seems no one is your father, Embry. Do you know anyone who could possibly be your father?" Alice questioned as she put her hand on his leg. "Do you know any other wolves at?"

"There's Jacob." Embry said through his tears.

Alice's face lit up. "It's settled. Jacob Black is your father. Bring him in." Jake appeared.

"Daddy!" Embry ran over and hugged him.

Marcus turned to Jake and Embry. "I see the connection of something far greater than father and son."

Alice looked confused. "Jake, do you like love everyone?"

"I'm lover. Not a fighter." He hugged Embry.

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Author's Note: This chapter was caused by watching too much Dr. Phil and such like it.