I am dissing teenage hormones and strange needs in this chapter. Don't judge.
The opinions in the following piece of literature (ha. As if this bucketload of trash could be called that) are not necessarily my own (except Marley's. Because she rocks) and all discussions related to various topics in this chapter do not represent my direct opinions.
Ha. Was that supposed to be a disclaimer? Well, it wasn't. Anyways, for this chapter I just needed filler stuff. Once again, don't judge.
My fingers are cold and stiff. I apologise profusely for any dodgy typing and ahblehblehfniuaungfre . . . Yeah, that's about it. Just remember that and you're good to go.
54 – Envisions of Sirius' Death
Sirius
'I'm just too hot,' Sirius said, preening at the thought as he plopped down in his seat next to Marley in History of Magic.
'Hot damn,' Marley mumbled half-heartedly, evidently more focused on searching for a quill.
'Well,' Sirius said, crossing his arms and huffing. 'At least I have someone who will say that to me properly, now.'
A crease appeared between her eyebrows, but if that had to do with what he had to say, or the continued search for the quill, he didn't know. When she didn't reply, he continued.
'I'll be properly appreciated now. All of the swooning around me is finally coming to some use.'
Marley threw her head back. 'I can't find my quill!' she bawled. She breathed out heavily, muttering, 'What the hell am I gonna use to draw?' before snatching Sirius' out of his own bag, and calming down. She dipped it in her ink pot, and started sketching.
'Aren't you going to inquire?' Sirius asked pointedly.
Marley shrugged a little. 'Speak, peasant.'
'I,' he said, emphasising the word, 'have a girlfriend.'
'Who?' she asked absently, dipping her quill back into the pot.
'Olivia Brown.'
Her eyebrows travelled about a centimetre up her forehead, and she nodded, popping out her lips so they made a perfectly round circle. 'The blonde Ravenclaw bimbo. Good catch. A walking stick of makeup if I ever saw one. Save maybe Claire, but I know you wouldn't go near her with a ten foot pole, so . . . Well done, Black.'
'I know,' Sirius said, preening again. 'She's actually quite . . . er . . .'
'Busty?' Marley supplied, sniggering at the look of confusion on his face.
'Come again?'
'It's a polite term for -'
'Oh.'
'Mmm. And I wouldn't put it past you to notice that. Pervert.'
Sirius put a hand on his heart. 'Excuse you! I have rights, now! She's my girlfriend.'
'Only because you're hot.'
'I know.'
'Hot damn.'
'Thank you.'
'Hey, she's looking at us funny,' Marley noted, looking across the room at the topic of their discussion. Olivia was indeed watching the conversation with slightly narrowed eyes. When Sirius threw her a wink however, she relaxed and batted her eyelashes at him.
'I'm gonna go snog her instead of turning up to Defence,' he said, looking back at Marley.
She pulled a face. 'You really didn't need to tell me that.' She paused and considered something. 'Though, I suppose I'm going to be hearing all about your love life from now on, aren't I?'
'Well, who else am I gonna tell?' he asked indignantly. 'James won't listen unless it's got something to do with Evans, Pete reacts like a little girl when he hears the word "snog", and Remus sticks his fingers in his ears whenever I mention something of the sort.'
'I feel quite put out, now,' she commented. 'So, what am I, the best piece of flesh that'll listen?'
'Well, yeah.'
'Ugh.' She brought her attention back to her drawing, finishing up some final details.
Sirius peered over her shoulder. 'What's that?'
She shoved the piece of parchment at his face. 'Looky looky.'
He frowned at it. There were several stick figures, all with black hair, which were being put through vicious means of murder. 'Is that . . . me?'
'Got it in one, player boy,' she responded dryly.
'Why?'
'Last I heard, when you were on your "date" with Lily, you ranted – quite vehemently, might I add – about how you really didn't want a girlfriend. What's changed?'
'I . . . wanted a girlfriend? So I . . . went and got one?'
She rolled her eyes. 'Why do I even put up with you?'
'Well . . .' He stared scrutinisingly at the parchment. 'Apparently you envision my death by Giant Squid to compensate.'
'True, true.'
He shrugged. 'I changed my mind, okay? My opinion now is different to that of six months ago.'
She pursed her lips, and started drawing another grisly ending for him. 'You're a prat.'
'A hot prat.'
She gave a resigned sigh. ' . . . Hot damn . . .'
Lily
'And he just ran into it?' Kayla choked out, going red from making an odd assortment of amused noises.
'Uh huh,' Lily laughed. 'And it took him a few seconds to realise it.'
'That's . . . that's James, alright.'
'Champion of running into walls.'
'What about James?' Marley appeared at Kayla's shoulder with Sirius just behind her, before plopping down on the common room couch beside the two.
'He tried to flirt with me,' Lily said.
'And ran into a wall,' Kayla finished.
Marley let out a squawk of laughter, and almost took out a passing first year with her flailing limbs. 'Oh Merlin. That's priceless!'
'Prongs is destined for ultimate failure at the rate he's going,' Sirius said gravely, shaking his head in dramatic resignation. 'It is time I steered him somewhere, otherwise the poor boy will crash and burn.'
There was a long pause.
' . . . Meaning?' Marley said, raising an eyebrow.
'I must find him a companion, of course!' he cried, throwing his arms out.
'Why?' Kayla asked, raising her eyebrows.
'Because he's lonely,' Sirius insisted in a whiny voice.
'No he's not,' she replied, shaking her head. 'You know him, he's high on Lily.'
Lily folded her arms and pulled her best grumpy face. That sort of observation was one she really didn't like.
'Yeah, he can get her again later,' Sirius said, shooting a quick look back at the girl in question. 'But, he needs someone now.'
'Alright, that's kind of wrong,' Kayla responded. She stuck her hands behind her neck and leaned back a little. 'So you want to set him up with someone, then have him dump her when Lily comes to her senses?'
Lily made an outraged noise. 'Excuse you! I will never go out with James Potter! He's a git!'
Sirius, Kayla and Marley all stared at her for a solid four seconds, before resuming their conversation like she had never spoken.
'What about the poor sheila on the receiving end, huh?' Marley asked indignantly. 'I sure as hell wouldn't like it if I were just a fill-in.'
'You're being a bit insensitive,' Kayla added.
'He's always been insensitive. Hello, he stole my bras!'
'True,' Kayla said, nodding.
Sirius was looking on like he was watching a tennis match, head swivelling back and forth as each girl spoke, apparently oblivious to the fact that he was being insulted. Lily, who was also watching, just sulked.
'I'm still gonna do it,' he said finally.
'God, you're a git!' Marley said exasperatedly. 'James doesn't need a girlfriend!'
'Yes he does!'
'Why?'
'Because!'
'"Because" isn't an answer!'
'It is in my book! C'mon, Marls, lemme do this.'
'No,' Marley responded, emphasising the word.
'Fine,' Sirius said, crossing his arms. He looked at Lily. 'Evans, go snog James and confess your undying affection towards him.'
'No!' Lily cried, revolted. 'No chance, Black! Stop thinking I'll end up with him!'
'But you will!'
'No I won't!'
The three of them looked at her flatly again.
'What?' Lily said insistently. 'It's not going to happen!'
They ignored her for a second time.
'Marley,' Sirius said patronisingly, looking at her. 'Who's the hot one, and who's the curly one here? Hmm?' At her unamused look, he answered. 'I'm the hot one.'
'Hot damn,' Marley grumbled, crossing her arms.
'You've been saying that all day,' Kayla said with a hint of curiosity. 'Why?'
'I have to say that whenever he lets his ego loose and declares that he's hot,' Marley muttered. She kicked her feet up onto Sirius' legs, and leaned back so she was lying on Kayla's.
There was a long pause.
'Right,' Lily finally said. 'Anyway, moving on, the topic is closed. No setting Potter up with anyone.'
'No,' Sirius replied, getting to his feet, 'I'll just do it without your help. Goodbye, ladies and Marley.'
Marley made a funny noise. 'Oi! Do I not count as a lady?'
'Sure as hell you don't.'
'Oi!'
'Claire,' Marley said slowly, as though testing the name on her tongue. 'Sirius Black set my mother's nephew up with my father's-brother's-wife's-sister's-second-cousin-thrice-removed's-husband's-aunt's-daughter. James Potter with Claire Winters.'
'Ew,' Lily said quietly.
'You actually did research on the family tree?' Kayla asked curiously.
The group, three hours after the previous discussion of the topic, had just learned this tidbit of information and migrated up to the dormitory, where they could discuss it without anyone overhearing.
'This is worse than Hogsmeade,' Marley muttered, burying her face in her hands. Lily gave her a small pat on the back.
'I could go punch Sirius,' she offered.
'What good'll that do?' Marley mumbled. 'I can't believe James actually . . . ugh.'
'What in Merlin's name did Sirius do to convince him?' Kayla mused.
'Beats me,' Lily said.
'He doesn't need a girlfriend,' Marley moaned, flopping back on the bed and letting her head sink into the pillow, so all that was visible was a mass of curly hair.
'Mmh,' Lily grunted, crossing her arms. 'Why doesn't Sirius understand that?'
Marley's head rose a fraction of an inch from the depths of the pillow. 'Lil. Let me give you a crash-course about the inner workings of Sirius Black's mind.'
There was a pause.
'Erm, I'm not sure I want to know,' Lily mumbled.
'Well too bad, 'cause you're gonna get it anyway.'
Kayla laughed a little, also flopping back so she was sprawled haphazardly across Marley's midriff, and Lily, deciding to join in on the pile-up, sat on top of it all.
Marley grunted from beneath them both. 'You're quite heavy, you know.'
'Mmm hmm,' Lily said offhandedly, changing her mind and also lying down. 'Now talk.'
'Right. Crash-course. Okay, so here's how it works. If Sirius comes to some great big revelation, he thinks that the rest of the world must share that opinion. It might have something to do with his family background and how he didn't agree with it – I dunno – but the point is, when he decides something, everyone else needs to agree with it. Say that brownies became the best food on the face of the planet – in Sirius' opinion, anyway. He would go around, insisting this, and if you said "No, I quite like apple pie, thanks. Brownies give me constipation", he would force feed you the brownies until you said they were the best.' She paused as she contemplated. 'Or he might have just wanted to test out the constipation thing. Who knows. So, if Sirius gets a girlfriend, everyone else has to, too.'
Lily blinked. From what she could see, Kayla also blinked.
'Uh, is this coming from a real-life example?' the brown haired girl asked after a few seconds.
'Nah,' Marley replied, sounding a bit winded considering that the air was slowly being squashed out of her lungs. 'Pulled it off the top of my head.'
'I gathered that,' Lily muttered. 'Though considering that it's Sirius, I wouldn't be surprised if he actually did that.'
'Brownies?' Kayla asked, sounding a little surprised.
'Hey, brownies are good,' Marley interjected.
'But,' Lily said, deciding that the pile wasn't quite as comfortable as she initially thought, and rolling off of it, 'of all the examples you could have picked from, why in Merlin's name did you choose constipation?'
Marley's head turned from its position on the pillow, and Lily could just see a pair of brown eyes looking pointedly at her through the mane of hair. 'Do you really wanna question how my mind works, Lil? You know how random I am.'
'Yeah . . . on second thought, retract that previous question.'
'Thought so.'
'Funny how we went from discussing James to talking about constipation,' Kayla said thoughtfully, who, unlike Lily, was quite happy to stay sprawled out on top of Marley.
'But those two things go hand in hand, don't they?' Lily asked wryly, now grinning from ear to ear. 'James Potter . . . constipation . . . Both some of the vilest things on the planet . . .'
'Oh, that's low, Evans,' Marley choked through a sudden outburst of laughter. 'Low.'
'Deciding to go out with Claire was low.'
'Touché, my red-headed friend-who-is-actually-related-to-a-horklump. Touché.'
'What's a horklump?' Lily muttered confusedly, while Kayla let out a most un-girlish snort.
'I have no idea, but it just sounded insulti – argh!' Marley cut off suddenly as Kayla buried her face in the other girl's stomach in an attempt to stifle her laughter, effectively driving her nose into her gut. 'Geez!'
'Sorry,' Kayla giggled, 'but – ahahah . . . you called her a horklump.' She trailed off into hiccups as she wiped her streaming eyes. 'Priceless.'
'What's a horklump?' Lily asked again, furrowing her brow in confusion.
'She just called you a spiky mushroom,' Kayla said. 'Gnome food. And she didn't even know it.'
Lily let out a strangled noise at the same time that Marley cried, 'So that's what I was growing on my Quidditch pitch over the holidays! I wondered what it was . . .'
'You didn't get rid of it?' Kayla asked confusedly.
Marley looked aghast. 'Hell no! A bunch of strange mushrooms just sprout up by the goalposts, and the first thing you think I'm gonna do is rip 'em up? What planet are you from, woman?'
'Earth . . .'
'Anyways, I looked after them. Gave them all their own names and everything – I still remember them. Agatha, Dave, Bobby-Ray, Billy-Joe, Nancy, Miriam, Bobby-Joe, Bobby-Joe the Second, Harry, Jackie . . .'
'Oh my God,' Lily muttered, burying her face in her hands. Kayla was once again trying to stifle a violent outbreak of laughter, and Marley was still rattling off names.
' . . . Martha, John, Bob, Mr Fat Mushroom, and Marley Junior.' She looked back up at them. 'Neat, eh?' Her brow suddenly furrowed. 'But then they just disappeared one day, and I never worked out why. Was quite upset, really. I'd visit them every day, bringing them plant food, and fertiliser – stuff I got from a Muggle store, mind you . . . maybe that's why they left, actually – but anyway -'
'Gnomes, Marley,' Kayla cut in. 'Does that ring any bells for you?'
Marley pulled a face. 'Well duh. Of course I know what a gnome is!'
' . . . And what did I say before about gnomes and horklumps?'
There was a long pause. Then: 'Oh.'
'Yeah,' Kayla said, nodding slowly and grinning at the same time. 'Oh.'
Marley looked crestfallen. 'But . . . but . . . Billy-Joe . . . Bobby-Joe . . . Marley Junior!'
'Thank Merlin for that,' Lily muttered quietly. 'It's way too soon for another generation of Marleys just yet.'
'Oi! I heard that!' Marley cried, as Kayla dissolved into another laughing fit.
Lily could only shrug, unable to keep back a grin of her own. 'Well, it's true.'
