A/N: I promise I'm working on getting to the main point of BOTFA, but frankly, I was devastated by that movie and I want to make my favorite characters live just a little longer. That is not a spoiler: if you've seen the movies, you know how that goes.
The songs below are:
Part of You World from The Little Mermaid
Breakeven from The Script
I Don't Know My Name by Grace Vanderwaal
I do not own these songs, nor do I own the Hobbit characters, places, etc.
Please feel free to comment and review below. I look forward to it!
By Oin's calculations, it would take about half a day to reach the shoreline of the mountain, and the other half to climb up to the entrance of Erebor. The secret door was no doubt sealed off now, so if the others had indeed survived Smaug, they would have begun to open the main gate. According to Oin, that is.
Linnor sighed and leaned against the side of the little boat, watching the water slip by gently. Her face stared back at her, the reflection rippling and distorted. With the dreary sky above her, and the waves continuing to change her features, Linnor couldn't help but suddenly see her mother's face instead of hers. An uncomfortable sadness pierced into her and Linnor trailed her fingers into the image to fade it away.
"Linnor?" Bofur's voice called her attention, but she kept her focus on her reflection, making only the softest noise to show she had heard him. "Um…well, that Lady fair, uh, Ciranel…she was, I mean to say, she is your, well…your-"
"She is my mother, yes." Linnor cut off the kindly dwarf, her tone cold and curt. "She was also my friend, my only friend, and handmaiden in Rivendell. She told me her name was Faolan. I never…" she trailed off, lost in old, painful memories.
She remembered it clearly. She had been young, but not so much that she couldn't easily recall the overbearing loneliness of her big room, or the dampness ever present on her cheeks, or the view from her balcony, the open world just out of her reach.
Then, suddenly, there were voices speaking, right outside her door. She had carefully moved back into the room, staring hopefully at the splendored wood. There was a minute of silence, in which she feared that whoever it was had left once again. She wished somebody would come in. She had been kept in this room as long as she could remember. Only Lord Elrond had appeared to tell her that this was her home, where she would remain in peace. When she had tried to ask questions, if only one, she was silenced and he left.
Since then, he had not returned. And neither had anyone else. Of course, there was a maiden or two who came up to attend to her every few hours or so, but nobody she knew. They were not her mother, nor her father. And she was starting to forget.
There was a click as the door unlocked and slowly, it opened. An elf lady stepped cautiously into the room, and Linnor couldn't help the squeal of happiness that escaped her lips.
"Mama!"
The woman froze for only a second before melting off the wall and coming to meet her, her face kind and gentle and sad.
"No, Linnor. I am not your mother. You parents…"she paused, "cannot be with you. I am here to be your friend, if you would wish."
Linnor, only a little girl, frowned for a few minutes, trying to hold back the tears of frustration and sadness welling up. But eventually, she looked at the Imladris elf sweetly and nodded. The woman smiled and clasped her hands together.
"My name is…Faolan." she sighed. "Faolan."
Linnor blinked, coming out of her memory, aware that the others were watching her.
"Lass…" Oin spoke, clearing his throat awkwardly. "If you wanted to go with your mother…you would have gotten answers, and it was where you wanted to return to, as you told Thorin. Rivendell was your home near all your life, and you are still very much a part of their world."
"But I don't want to be." Linnor barked. "I know what I said, but that was before I knew it was all a lie. How can I go back now, when…I just…I don't know anymore, Oin. I've changed so much. How can I ever…Mahal, I don't know what I want or who I am! I can't-"she broke off, her chest heaving in overwhelming panic. She turned around to face the others, who were gazing at her with a mix of shock and pity.
"I don't know my name…" Linnor sang softly, her voice still broken with emotions she had been bottling up since before the desolation of Smaug.
"I don't play by the rules of the game, so you say
I'm just trying…
Just trying…"
Kili reached out and gently took her hand in his own. He didn't say a single word, but just let his newfound calm comfort her. She smiled tiredly at him in thanks.
"I heard that we are Durin's heirs
we get along quite nicely
But you ask me why I break apart and change myself
Completely."
Linnor took a breath, and a tear slid down her cheek. Her chest felt tight. Was this how she'd always be? Unbalanced, heartbroken, confused….weak?
"I am lost." she whispered.
"Trying to get found in an ocean of
People
Please don't ask me any questions
I can't give a valid answer.
But I don't know my name."
Linnor paused, unsure how to convey the rest of her tumult of feelings.
"But," she spoke, "I do know that I can't go back to Rivendell, not knowing what I know. I can never be a part of that world again. I know that I need to be-I want to be with my real family. I want to see Erebor like you've told me. I am, and I want to be, part of your world."
There was silence for a few minutes, filled with only the sound of lapping water.
"But," Fili finally said, "don't' you want to ask her your questions and get some answers?"
"Of course!" Linnor said incredulously. "Just because I don't know myself doesn't mean I don't know what I wish. But that's all I can do now. Wish. I don't know how else to make you understand what I'm going through, Fili."
"Try then!" Fili burst out, his body jerking in annoyance and causing the boat to rock. "For once, Linnor, just try and put whatever you want to sing into real words and just say it! We want to understand. You're my little cousin! Let me in."
"You want to know what I'm feeling?" Linnor snarled, suddenly furious. "Like I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing. I'm still struggling to accept so much, Fili. Everything I believed about myself I took from my life in Rivendell, and that has all changed. I'm not that girl anymore. What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to say? Faolan…my mother, she always told me bad things happen for a reason. But this…I can't just take it and move on like every other time. I'm trying to make sense of this, okay? Okay, Fili? I'm falling to pieces!"
"Linnor…" Fili spoke softly. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"
"Don't." Linnor shook her head. "It's not your fault, and not your problem. I'll figure it out on my own when it's time, alright?"
No one spoke, and they fell back into silence as their Laketown boat finally hit the shoreline of the Lonely Mountain.
