A/N: I tried to portray OCD as best as I could. I know it comes in varying forms and degrees, it's different between people. I got my inspiration for this from a video about a man with OCD talking about the woman he loves. The URL is piedrunk dot tumblr dot com forward slash post/58590069199/niick4-youlittletealeaf (sorry I'm making this so complicated, but I really need to cite this source and it won't show up properly on the final document)
The gears in his head were whirring all the time, thinking; did I leave the light on? What about the door, is it locked? Baby, are her windows rolled up? My keys, do I have them, wait yes I do. In my pocket. Pocket, pocket, pocket, wallet. My wallet. It's there. Thought I left it on the counter, by the stove. Wait, is it off? I can't remember. I checked. And checked and checked and checked. It's off.
Always, these thought ran rampant through his mind, plaguing him while he was trying to drive, walk through the grocery store or even work on cars at the garage. He couldn't stop thinking about any of it, any of it, any of it.
He always double checked. Then triple checked, and sometimes, quadruple checked. If something didn't feel right in his mouth, he'd replay bit over and over and over again till it did. Sometimes it bothered people but never Dean. He needed things to feel right before he could move on.
Always, these thoughts ran free, except for the first time he looked at him.
Dean saw bright, wondrous blue eyes. Blue, so blue like his apartment door. Wait, did he lo- His hair, so dark and seemingly soft. Dark, like the absence of light. His lights, are they o- Those lips, curving into a smile as Dean stared, wide eyed with a gaping mouth. It curled upward, kind of like a coil. Coil, curve in on itself like the stove top. It was off ri-
All these thoughts in his head stopped midway as he found another trait to gaze upon and feel even giddier about. This man was beautiful; he put silence in Dean's mind. The first person to ever do such a thing.
Both of them were outside at the farmer's market. The blue eyed man was walking in front of Dean, inspecting fruit. His roughened hands held each one carefully, fingertips brushing over the soft skin lovingly.
"What's your name?" Dean abruptly asked, thanking whatever God was up there that he got it right on the first try. He just had to know the blue eyed man's name, he had to say something.
The man turns, surprised by Dean and smiles gently, placing the fruit he was holding back down.
"Castiel. What about yours?" he asked in reply.
"Dean. Dean. Dean. Dean." He answered, finally getting his name right after four tries. He was embarrassed, feeling the heat rising in his cheeks as he stuck his hand out.
Castiel laughed, taking Dean's hand and squeezing it quickly.
"Hello Dean." Castiel said, smiling as he walked forward a bit, looking at some of the vegetables up ahead.
"Hey Cas." Dean said quickly as he glanced down at the watch on his wrist, adjusting it so it wasn't crooked anymore.
"Is there anything I can help you with?" Castiel asked not unkindly. He asked it with curiosity and ease.
"Yes, I guess there is. Will you have coffee with me? Will you have coffee with me? Will you have coffee with me-"
"Yes, I'd like that."
"Will you have coffee with me? Will you have coffee with me? Will you have coffee with me?" Dean asked three more times till it felt right on his tongue, his tone getting more excited as he heard Castiel's answer.
"Really? You will? I-I-I-I-I haven't had anyone say yes before. I've got a nice face and all but I open my mouth and it usually drives people off." Dean admitted, scratching the back of his neck nervously.
"I'm not people. Those ones are assholes anyways. You don't need overly shallow people like that." Castiel replied.
"Glad someone thinks so." Dean said, smiling half heartedly. Castiel nodded and the two of them walked along.
They went out for coffee after they were done with the farmer's market. Both had to drop off groceries, so Dean arranged to pick Castiel up from his apartment after he had finished organizing his groceries in the kitchen. That could be a bit time consuming.
On his way out of the apartment, he double, triple checked the windows and lights and kept twisting the handle to be sure it was locked on his way out. Dean also checked the potted plant (which wasn't his idea, by the way) to see if the spare key was still there, under a thin layer of soil. It was still there, after checking three times.
He arrived at Castiel's apartment around three, climbing out of the impala and going to Castiel's door after opening and closing the car door four times to make sure it wasn't opened a crack.
Castiel was already ready, swinging his door shut and following Dean down.
"You sure the doors locked? Lights are off?" Dean asked.
"Positive." Castiel replied softly, getting into the passenger seat.
The two men stayed out for hours, going out for coffee and then a movie afterwards. They went for a walk in the park which was uneventful, which was actually a good thing. There was nothing for Dean to check or be sure about, it was peaceful, dark and quiet. Everything in nature seemed to have its place and that left Dean at ease.
When they were done, Dean drove Castiel back home. He kissed him outside his door twelve times since it was Sunday. Actually, on Sundays he only had to kiss someone eleven times but twelve was just Castiel diving in for one more. He closed the door quickly behind him, bidding Dean good night and promising to see him the next day.
And they did see each other the next day and days after, always happy to be in each other's presence. Eventually they moved in together.
Still, Dean got up before bed every night and when leaving the house to check repeatedly to see if windows were closed, doors were locked and lights were out. Castiel once said it made him feel safe, how many times Dean got up to check. That made Dean feel better about himself, believing he did what he did for Castiel even though it was part that and part the nagging feeling he couldn't shake when he wasn't completely sure.
When Dean was with him, the insistent nagging was cut. There was peace and quiet in his head, the only sound filled by Castiel's voice. His laughter. Sometimes, he began to think about something but his thoughts were cut short every time he glanced back at Cas or when he heard him speak.
Before he left for work every morning, Dean repeatedly kissed Cas and told him he loved him over and over. Not because it didn't feel right, but because it did. It felt so right to tell Cas he loved him over and over again. It was the most beautiful feeling in the world, the only thing that always seemed to feel just right.
Cas would say he loved him back, his lips curving in delight and his eyes shining with honesty and warmth. Everything Dean did he loved. Dean was someone great, someone he cherished.
After a little while, maybe a few months, Castiel would cut Dean's kisses and I love you's short in the morning, rushing out the door and promising to see him later. He got irritated when Dean kept leaving bed or staying out in the living room too long.
Castiel's own I love you's seemed to die. His eyes were nonchalant, his mouth without its former delight and warmth. They were just words to him, it seemed. There was no feeling in them anymore.
One day, Dean came home from the garage and Cas was gone. That wasn't abnormal, sometimes Castiel had to stay late at the office. But he didn't come in that night or the next morning, nor that afternoon when Dean came home.
He called his cell phone when he knew Cas would be on break, noon. They always went out to lunch together.
I'm sorry, I'm with my brother for a bit. I need a little bit of time, something came up Castiel had said.
Of course he said it. It wasn't anything knew, it was the same old thing with everyone else. Except Castiel loved him from the beginning and stayed with him the longest. Dean fucked it up, somehow. Of course he did. Of course. It's what Dean did, he screwed everything up.
Just last week Castiel was smiling and warm and accepting. It was all going to shit, going to shit, going to shit. And Dean couldn't do anything about it.
Except tonight, he sat down to bed and did something he hasn't done since his mother died and father left; Dean kept the door unlocked, the windows open and left the light on. It was all like some sort of bat signal for Cas to come home, a signal he may never get.
Dean woke up two mornings later, having left the door unlocked, window open and light on the previous nights, to the sound of footsteps on the wood floor. He heard a gasp and then a sad little laugh. Hope burst through Dean's chest as he shot out of bed and into the living room.
"You came back." Dean abruptly said, staring wild eyed at Cas. The words in his mouth, he wasn't sure if they felt right or not. He just wanted to know if Cas was here to stay. Oh god, please stay.
"You thought I left?" Castiel asked, looking a little hurt at the thought. He stripped his coat off and hung it over the back of the arm chair, the only chair that seemed to fit right with the coat draped over it.
"Needed time, that's what you said. You were with your brother and, and, and. I didn't know what else to think, they all leave eventually. I hoped you were different. See where hoping gets a guy like me?" Dean asked with a halfhearted laugh.
"I didn't want to tell you, I just knew you'd worry. You do that a lot, you know. Last week my mother died and I just didn't want you to know. I wanted to get of here, go to her funeral and pretend it never happened. I didn't think about how you'd feel. Or maybe I did. I don't know anymore." Castiel explained, moving a few steps closer to Dean and wrapping his arms around the slightly taller man.
"You should've told me. I would have gone with you. I never met your mother." Dean replied, tucking his chin into the crook of Castiel's neck and shoulder.
"She would've loved you. She had OCD also, was terrified of germs and seemed to be able to feel them crawling over her skin. And she always had to have things in groups of thirteen. That's why it was so easy for me to adapt to you, I was already used to it." Castiel said, rubbing his hand in smooth circles along Dean's back.
"I left the door unlocked for you. And the windows open. And the light on."
