Finally, part 3 of this little arc... thing. Progress is being made.
This scene was written on a sudden inspiration, so it didn't turn out how i first imagined it would. But when i get a sudden inspiration like this, the results are usually better when i just run with it. So i ran with it. Surprisingly I like the results, as sappy as i think the results are.
Anyway, much love to my dear friend Zerolr for letting me borrow her "to lose yourself in your love..." quote for this scene - it is awesome, she knows I love it, I've always wanted to use it somewhere.
Go read her works if you have time. 'The Art of Manipulation' is my long standing favourite of hers; I recommend that one.
But for now, just enjoy the update. I'm still working out the mechanics of the next three instalments, so hopefully they should be up soon too. It's just a lot to work out and its all so complicated.
Chapter 49: Won't you remember me? III
Gin looked intently into Aizen's eyes, still hoping that he would remember. Still hoping that he would remember something, anything of their time together before it was too late and Aizen wanted nothing more to do with him. But it just didn't seem to be happening. Aizen just didn't seem to be able to place him in his memory. Despite all Gin's 'convincing', Aizen just didn't remember him at all. And that hurt Gin more than anything. That was what cut the deepest; that Aizen had just forgotten him completely, leaving Gin to feel like the many decades they shared together had been nothing more than a dream. A dream that would fade away like the mist and the clouds with the coming of sunrise.
Aizen looked at him in pure bewilderment. "We were... lovers?" he asked. His eyes betrayed his uncertainty, but somewhere in there Gin could see that his mind was working the words like a Rubiks cube, trying to dissemble all his conflicting thoughts, just like he would with a phyical version of one of those cubes. Putting his thoughts together like he would put all of the same colours on each side and slot everything into place on the colourful cube. Trying to remember...
"Yes." Gin said softly, his nose gently brushing against Aizen's "We were. We... are..."
Gin looked at him, his eyes opened to their full extent to give Aizen a full view of his deep red eyes, the eyes that no other man but Aizen had seen. Gin kept them open for him, hoping that seeing his eyes again would trigger something in his memory. Gin was always told that love came in through the eyes, so maybe if he kept his eyes open, then it would enter Aizen's eyes and Aizen would remember that love.
"I don't... quite..." Aizen murmured, his voice dying off as Gin's hand ghosted across his neck and onto his face again. "I don't quite understand or... remember you. I don't..."
Gin smiled at him softly, still softly stroking his lover's cheek with his fingertips as he looked deeply into Aizen's eyes, their bodies still connected and Gin still straddling him as he was before.
"Try?" he said, although in more of a pleading tone only betraying his desperation. "Just... try for me. Try to remember for me... please, at least try..."
Aizen furrowed his eyebrows and gazed at Gin intently, trying to put back the pieces of his missing memories. It wasn't like he didn't want to remember anything, after all, it was quite a big chunk of his life he had gone and forgotten – because one just doesn't forget a large part of their life and not notice anything. And even Aizen knew that bits were missing in his recollection of his past, even if he didn't say anything about it. So he did want to remember at least something, even if just to soothe his own selfish anxieties at having another one of his amnesiac episodes. So he looked at Gin and he tried to remember. Even if it turned out to be fruitless, he decided to try, and listen on as Gin talked more about the past – about their past.
"Ya mean the world to me, ya know." Gin whispered to him quietly, while his mind worked the words, "An' we make love... every night an' every mornin' jus' when the sun comes up..."
He paused, breathing steadily. Trying to keep himself from either crying or clinging onto Aizen for dear life. Trying so hard to keep himself under control and just gently coax his lover's mind to remember him and fill in the missing pieces without frightening him away again. Only able to hope that their time together would come back to him.
"I were th' the moon of your life. You... you said tha' ta me..." Gin said, his composure slowly and steadily breaking down along with his ability to articulate his thoughts without his street-rat accent coming back to him. The accent proving that his protective barriers were coming back up again, as if he were bracing himself for the hurt to come while he practically begged Aizen to remember him. His voice slowly cracking up as he pleaded with his beloved to remember and return to him.
"Remember me..." Gin said, his voice slowly quieting as gentle sobs clawed their way to the surface, making his feelings and his desperateness all the more obvious. "please..."
Gin choked back a quiet sob, fighting the flood of emotions coursing their way through him. Aizen's eyes still had not changed towards him; they were still so full of confusion, despite all his pleas.
"We've been through so much t'gether..." Gin whispered, his composure now threatening to break apart as he spoke, uncertain of whether his words were getting through to Aizen at all. "You looked into my eyes... an' I said you were my sun and stars..." he continued, pausing to compose his thoughts as he pleaded with the man he loved to remember their life together. Unbelievably, there had been a time when Gin would have rejected his own feelings simply because they were for another man... but now things were different, he simply refused to let this man go without a fight to the bitter end to try and keep him by his side.
"You can't..." he said, almost on the verge of tears now, "You can't forget... ya can't have forgotten meh. Ya have to remember fer me... please..."
Aizen's eyes never left Gin's, as his memory searched for all the supposedly missing pieces. He knew Gin was telling the truth, because otherwise he wouldn't be this emotional. Gin never cried in front of anyone unless he was suffering mentally... unless his heart was disrupted and he was utterly inconsolable... that much he remembered. That much he understood. But this... this intimacy they apparently shared... it just seemed to elude him. Because as much as he wanted to at least remember something - anything - nothing came to him. Nothing.
He tried though, he did actually try. Because he figured that just remembering something would be better than nothing. But no, nothing was coming to him. Nothing. Nothing at all. He just couldn't quite remember Gin. He thought he had something, just a little trace of something, but he couldn't quite place Gin firmly in his memory. And despite his desires, he felt that he was doomed to live forever, not even remembering a big chunk of his life that had been so cruelly taken away from him by his Demon. A big chunk of his life that not even Gin's words could give back to him. Despite how much he tried.
Gin whimpered, absolutely distraught. His words were not getting through. Aizen was still just as confused as before and his eyes showed absolutely no sign of recognition. No matter how hard he tried, Aizen just did not seem to remember him. Gin could have cried. All the memories of their time together came flooding back to him, assaulting him like inspiration often assaults an artist at an inopportune moment, and it was all he could do to stop himself from crying. Gin could only look back into Aizen's eyes, eyes full of warring emotions, as his other hand cupped the other side of Aizen's face and neck, gently caressing his soft skin as he made one last attempt to make him remember.
"Please," Gin whispered passionately, simply overcome with emotion, so close to tears now at the thought of losing the one he loved forever.
"Come back to me, my sun and stars..." he whispered, "remember, an' come back to me..."
Aizen's eyes widened slightly, while Gin's words reverberated in his mind, calling to him.
"Come back to me..."
He listened to the words, but they didn't prompt any recollection or memory to come back to him. The images presenting themselves were still blurred, still hazy as they swirled about in his head, mixing thought with feeling. Mixing together to form this strange unearthly feeling he didn't think he could even feel. It was like love... but not quite love. It was just this strange attraction, not just of the body, but of the mind too – of the heart. It was a feeling that was very hard to decipher and even harder to articulate into words. A feeling that was even harder to make sense of. Of course, it was a form of love, but Aizen did not quite realise it. His mind was in too much dissent for him to dissemble any of his thoughts or feelings towards Gin right now, so he was only able to listen and feel and try to remember why Gin was saying such words to him, gazing even more intently into his eyes as he tried to make a connection.
"Please," Gin whispered to him again, hoping desperately that Aizen would remember him. "Please... come back to me. My Sun and Stars... please..."
Aizen remained still and silent, again Gin's words had struck him. Pulled to him like a siren song.
"Come back to me..."
Aizen just sat there, Gin still looking into his eyes. Still calling him his 'Sun and Stars'. Unable to realise that no matter how much he wanted it, Aizen couldn't place him, or even remember why he was being equated to the stars that lit up the night or the sun that gave light to the world. But Gin still persisted in calling to him this way...
"My Sun and Stars..."
Gin kept saying that, but what did it mean? They were such beautiful words, and Aizen was certain they meant something, but what? What? And more than that, he was certain he had heard them before. The words sounded so familiar... but what did they mean?
They must mean something, because Aizen otherwise would have thought himself unworthy of such beautiful words. Not even Orihime spoke such words to him, much less called him her 'Sun and Stars'. If anything, he was more likely to call her his 'Sun and Stars', because she was his light in this dark and desolate world. But that wasn't the point. And besides that, it was too much like something out of a romance novel rather than his own life. It was too much like a fairytale, and Aizen was clever enough to know by now that fairy tales were rather unrealistic depictions of real life.
But the more Gin spoke to him like this, in this confusing yet endearing way, the clearer the images in his head became. And he came that much closer to remembering his past. But were these dreams he was seeing? Memories? No, they felt too real to be dreams... illusions, maybe... but not mere dreams. No, memories... they must be memories... why else would they feel so real? Why else would he have given in to Gin's advances so easily and readily? Not even illusions were that powerful. Were they?
No, they had to be memories. Yes, they were memories. Hazy memories, but memories all the same. They were becoming clearer, but not clear enough for him to say 'yes, I remember.' and actually mean it. The images were not that clear. Not just yet. They needed more time for that. Like photographs, they needed time to develop...
But when Aizen looked at Gin and saw so much love in his eyes, a sudden tranquillity came over him. It was as if peace had just descended and swallowed him whole. He didn't know why, but he just felt so at ease. Even though Gin was practically a stranger to him, he was completely calm. Just drifting like a boat unmoored somewhere in between illusion and memory, just him and Gin. Just him and this stranger, oblivious to the rest of the world.
Gin was about to cry. He was trying so hard... so hard to get Aizen to remember him, but it was all in vain. Aizen was trying so hard to make sense of it all but all of his efforts were fruitless and they both knew it. And it was hard for Gin to take. It was something that he just didn't want to accept.
He had tried everything. He tried sex, he tried telling him about the past... and dear god he even tried begging to see if that would work. But no, nothing. Gin had hoped for his lover's memory to come back to him in a sudden rush, but it looked like that wasn't going to happen. It looked like Aizen wasn't going to remember anything, and Gin's heart broke a little inside at the thought that he might lose him forever. And the thought of that was unbearable.
It was unbearable to think that he was going to be dropped and that Orihime was going to replace him. And she would replace him, he just knew. It wasn't fair. He and Aizen had decades together. Decades. Orihime only had him for a few months, not even a full year. So she had nothing on his time with Aizen. Nothing. But Gin wasn't going to let Aizen go without a good fight, that was for sure. In fact, he would make sure he fought to the bitter end so that at least then he could say that he tried everything before he gave in.
"How can you not remember?" Gin asked again, a quiet resolve forming in his uncertain voice.
"I killed for you." he said, now getting more aggressive and desperate. "I defected for you." he continued, still unwavering in his firm tone. "I abandoned my life for you and followed you to this godforsaken wasteland. One word from your mouth and I would even throw myself into the Uji river and drown for you."
Gin's desperation faded, giving way to all of the bottled up hurt he had been carrying around for weeks, if not months. His composure completely shattered, and he lowered his head and closed his eyes as a whimper escaped him.
"Why do you not understand?" he asked. While Aizen just looked at him, both puzzled and moved by Gin's emotions and words.
"I understand..." Aizen answered him softly, "it's just... I don't remember loving you."
Aizen paused for a moment, before letting his hand wander up the small of Gin's back, with the strange feeling that his hand had done this before, although a lifetime ago. In a previous life...
"But..." he continued, running his fingertips up and down Gin's spine, "I feel like I've been here before... like I've... done this before..."
Gin slowly lifted his head and opened his eyes again, just as Aizen's hand touched his face. Now it was Gin's turn to be confused. Just how could Aizen say he not remember and suddenly act so tenderly towards him?
Gin's reasoning told him that it would be better to just leave now and cut his losses. Walk away now and spare himself the trauma and agony of going through this. But Aizen's tender gaze and his hands kept him there and removed all of his will to leave. But he couldn't have left even if he wanted to. Not while there was still a chance of Aizen remembering him... or at least remembering his feelings for him.
"S- Sousuke?" Gin asked quietly. Suddenly so unsure of everything he had ever known. His heart was currently residing in his mouth and he had to keep reminding himself to breathe, but his only thoughts were of the man before him and whether or not he would remember him. Aizen was trying to dissemble his own feelings and to Gin it was like standing on the edge of a knife, uncertain of which way he would fall.
Aizen silently drew closer and closer to him; their lips almost touching. Gin stared at Aizen with softly parted lips, uncertain of anything and everything at this point, just waiting for his lover's lips to capture his own. Because Gin knew that Aizen definitely wanted to. But Aizen only wanted to kiss him to see if he would feel something for Gin. To see if he could recover any little bit of his memory that had been so cruelly taken away by the hollow that had dragged him kicking and screaming into his twisted inner world. Whereas in contrast, Gin only wanted to kiss him to show love, like he had done for many decades now. Because after all, to lose yourself in your love was the most wonderful feeling, was it not? To get lost in heated passion with your love?
Aizen's hand moved onto the back of Gin's head, his fingers resting in between strands of his silver hair, and a moment later, their lips collided. Gin whimpered softly and parted his lips to give Aizen's tongue entrance to his mouth to let him explore. Tongues tentatively fought each other, with Gin letting Aizen hesitantly dominate the kiss. It was not breathtaking, and nor was it immensely passionate. It was slow, and it was slightly hesitant, but it was intense. Gin moaned softly as they kissed, letting his fingers tangle themselves into Aizen's thick dark hair, savouring the taste of Aizen's tongue before they broke away again and looked into each other's eyes. When they broke that kiss, everything about the world suddenly changed, and it was as if they were both transported back in time. But that little illusion didn't last for more than a few seconds, because when they regained their senses, a soft, quiet, feminine voice brought them crashing back to reality.
"Aizen-sama?"
That was when the illusion shattered. Orihime was standing there. In the doorway. Watching the entire scene. Absolutely speechless.
"Oh..." Gin panted, still straddling Aizen, turning his head to the side to look at her out of the corner of his eyes. Still panting heavily and his face completely flushed from before, just gaping at her. The illusion he created had broken. And Aizen suddenly came crashing back down to reality, hardly likely now to remember anything at all, the expression on his face a mixture of both horror and anger at having being caught in this awkward situation.
"Shit."
