Chapter 50

NPOV

The next few weeks were spent in a sweet bubble. Jacob doted on me, fetching and carrying things for me day and night. He begged me for any occupation I could give him and he performed my every request with cheer and joy. Truth be told, he was becoming a bit too solicitous, after all, I was increasing, not infirmed.

It took weeks, but at length, my mornings became less and less problematic.

"Good Morning, my Lady. How are you feeling today?" Jane asked, as she did every morning.

"I feel quite well, Jane, thank you. In fact, I would say I felt rested and ready to face the day."

"That's wonderful. Mayhap the babe is settling in for a lengthy stay," she said as she began showing me a variety of gowns to be chosen from. "I must say, you look like yourself again. The colour has returned to your cheek and the brightness to your eyes."

I smiled. "Thank you, Jane." I smiled at the compliment and hoped she was right. "I shall wear the peach dress today."

Jane began to dress me, but I noticed that the lacing of my stays was different. My breast seemed to have blossomed overnight. I turned to the gazing glance and looked at my burgeoning figure. "Good lord, I look like the prow of a ship. I thought it was my waist that was to be increasing, not my decolatage."

"Oh no, ma'am," Jane said knowingly, "it is quite common when women are with child. It is the whole body that accommodates the child."

Jane slid the day dress over my shoulders and then began to comb out my hair. I continued to wear it down, hoping that Jacob would appreciate it, but he was far more focused on my health than on my appearance. I looked at my reflection in the glass and Jane was right, I did look more like myself.

I looked at the clock on the mantle and was pleasantly surprised to find it much earlier than I had descended the stairs in some time. I entered the breakfast room to find the gentlemen reading the morning post. Sir William was the first to look up and he greeted me with a broad smile. "How beautiful you look this morning my dear."

Jacob stood instantly turning to me and running his eyes over my face and form. When his eyes rose to my own, I saw a hint of desire there and blushed. "How are you feeling?" he asked as he escorted me to my place.

"I feel remarkably well, thank you." I said as he slid my chair in. "In fact, I was thinking that perhaps we could go for a ride and take the air."

Jacob returned to his seat and looked to his father as if asking for his opinion. "I think that is a fine idea. You could ride to the village and do a little Christmas shopping. After all, we only have another week or so before we must return to town."

"Are you certain that is advisable?" Jacob asked.

"The ride, or returning to town?" Sir William asked with a smile.

"Either," Jacob sputtered, "both, I suppose. She has barely begun to recover herself and you are suggesting an arduous trek into town."

"If you are truly concerned you could always speak with Carlisle. I can request he comes to examine Ness and allay your fears."

"I am not a child afraid of the dark, Papa. I am a man concerned with the welfare of his wife," Jacob protested.

"Not to worry, Son, I was once a young bridegroom about to embark on fatherhood. I understand your concerns. Allow Carlisle to assure you of the right path."

I watched as Jacob and his father both softened their expressions and relaxed into smiles. I, however, was not pleased at being passed over in the conversation.

"I will have you know that I plan to venture out with or without the escort of my husband. I feel very well, and wish to be out of doors. Thank you both for your concern," I said missishly.

"Now Ness, you must make allowances for a husband's nerves in relation to his wife's health and wellbeing," Sir William soothed, patting my hand.

"I am only concerned for your health," Jacob offered.

"I am not ill, sir, I am with child. Millions of women manage the job every day. I am not a simpleton. I know how I feel, and have no need of a keeper." My temper was beginning to rise.

"I do not wish to be overbearing, I simply want to ensure that you and the child are truly well."

I looked at Jacob's face and saw genuine concern there. I did not wish to indulge him in this, but I could not see the harm in speaking with Carlisle. Finally, I sighed and nodded my agreement. "Very well, we shall go and see Carlisle."

"I'll send him a note telling him to expect us," Jacob said.

I ate more heartily than I had in months. Sir William beamed at me and Jacob watched with an air of uneasiness, but I simply smiled and tucked in.

After breaking our fast, Jacob called for his carriage and helped me button my pelisse for me. He held out my gloves for me, and I slipped my hands into the soft kid. He assisted me in climbing into the carriage and stoked the brazier in the floor. We rode off to the Cullen Estate on opposite sides of the warm compartment. I could feel his eyes on me the entire time, but I was too entranced by the scenery to care. The great expanses of fields covered with white. The sunlight sparkled on the newly fallen snow and the world looked clean and bright.

"Is it always like this?" I asked my husband.

"The winter, you mean?"

"Yes. It is so beautiful. So different from the city. No mar upon the snow. No soot, no mud, no filth."

Jacob turned to the window and smiled softly. "Yes, Ness, it is most often like this, but I think I have never seen it as you do now. God, you make everything feel like that for me. Everything is brand new when I see it through your eyes." He leaned over and took my hands in his. The he brought them to his lips. "Thank you."

I smiled. His eyes showed a joy I had seen but rarely in them. I wanted to believe him. I wanted to believe that he was letting me in, but I was so afraid to trust myself to know if it was real.

We arrived at Carlisle and Esme's in short order. Jacob lifted me out of the carriage and placed my hand in the crook of his arm. We were escorted into the foyer where our outer clothes were taken by servants. Carlisle and Esme greeted us with warmth and hugs. Carlisle offered to see me in the examination room while Esme took Jacob in hand and led him to a sitting room.

Carlisle's surgery was in an attached wing of the house. He led me to a room with a table covered in white linen. He bid me sit upon it and checked my breathing and colour. Then he sat upon a stool and smiled his gentle smile.

"How are you feeling, Ness?"

"Much better, thank you. I have not lost my food in almost a week. I wake refreshed, and I no longer find myself in need of so much rest." I told him proudly.

"Good. I think you are past the worst. You look well, and I can see that you are gaining weight, just as you should."

I touched my stomach and frowned. I had heard often that gentlemen found their increasing wives less attractive. The doves said nothing was better for business that a wife who was whelping.

"What's the matter, Ness?"

"I am glad to know that things are progressing well, it's just…"

"Just?"

"I had hoped that since I was feeling better Jacob and I might… I was hoping to reignite our…" I blushed and licked my lips.

"Ness, there is no reason that you cannot be intimate with your husband. It is perfectly safe. It can even be enjoyable in different ways."

"But I thought… The doves said that men do not enjoy relations with their wives when they are increasing." I said by way of explanation.

To my surprise, Carlisle laughed heartily. "I will admit that there are those gentlemen who choose to seek solace elsewhere when their wives are with child, but I believe they see their wives only as a means to an end. When there is real affection between spouses it is perfectly acceptable to enjoy the delights of matrimony during this time."

I blushed, but smiled at him. "You are truly a good doctor, and a wonderful friend."

"I am your surrogate father, remember? I shall always have your best interest at heart. Now let us go and inform your husband that you are not only allowed to go to the village, but your physician insists upon it."

"And I may go to town for the Christmas ball at Lord Swans?"

"Again, I shall insist, on one condition," he said with a wicked air.

"What condition?"

"That you save me a set."

We walked to the sitting room and joined Esme and Jacob in a cup of tea. Carlisle told Esme to entertain me and took Jacob away to speak to him about my condition, leaving me alone with the woman closest to a mother I had known. "You look well, my dear. I am glad. In no time at all you will be able to feel the babe within."

My hand flew to my stomach. The thought of feeling the child was exciting, and a bit frightening. "Does it hurt?"

"Heavens no. I cannot tell you precisely how it feels, because it is a very personal thing. With Edward, it was just a fluttering at first. Then as he grew, I could feel him stretch and move to get more comfortable. Rosalie, on the other hand, kicked like an opera dancer, hard and high," she laughed as she described it, and my fear subsided. "When you do feel it, be sure to place Jacob's hands upon your abdomen. It helps a father to bond, to feel his child moving. Carlisle found it quite entrancing. Not to mention that it always seemed to stir his desires."

I blushed again and shook my head.

"Ness," Esme said, "how are things between you and Jacob?"

"He has been very attentive, perhaps a bit too attentive. He fusses. Still, he is more like the man I knew as a child."

"Perhaps that's the problem. You are no longer a child. I expect you would prefer he treat you as his wife. The woman he loves."

I sighed. "I am afraid that he does not love me. I know he has affection for me. He used to want me. Now, I feel more as if he has no idea what love really is. He seems to want to protect me, and look after me. Yet somehow, I feel it is for the sake of the child, and ultimately for the heir for which he hopes. A selfish end. I need him to understand that love is not selfish, but selfless."

"Give him time, dear. He is after all, only a man. Sometimes it is for us to lead them to their epiphanies. Help him understand. Show him your heart, and lead him to open his own."

I thought about what Esme had said all the way into the village. Jacob was chattering on about Carlisle's advice for ladies with child, but he did say that we could begin preparing for our trip back to town. "Do you wish to shop here, or in town for presents?"

I admit I had not been paying him much mind when his question caught my ear. "Presents?"

"Yes, it is customary to exchange gifts during the holidays. In fact, I was hoping you might accompany me to the tenants' homes to distribute their gifts before we leave."

"You have gifts for the tenants?"

"Of course. There will be jams and honeys, a ham for each, and some toys for the children. My tenants are reliable and good people, I try to treat them well."

I smiled a genuine smile at him. He was so much better a man than he thought himself. "I would be proud to accompany you on such a noble errand."

"Good," he beamed. "Now to my other question. Do you wish to make your purchases here in Kent, or in London?"

"My purchases?"

"I thought you might like to choose your own gifts, rather than be bound by my choices. In fact, I thought that as a woman, you might have an insight into what Bella, Rose, Alice, and Esme might like. I admit, I often feel at a loss when purchasing for the ladies."

"I suppose that we might divide the shopping into my purview and yours. Provide me a budget, and I shall stick to it strictly," I offered.

I watched the corners of his eyes crinkle in a genuine smile as he took my hands and nodded. "Brilliant! We shall devise a list and make a game of it. I will attend you while you shop, and you can accompany me on my errands." He looked so happy and carefree, it startled me. "Well, on almost all my errands. I would keep your gift secret."

"My gift?"

"Yes, of course. As my wife, you deserve the finest of presents. I remember when I brought you your first gift. A small book, as I recall. You looked up at me with those dark eyes and burst into tears. I was convinced I had failed utterly." As he spoke his face fell and I saw the doubt.

"I had never received a gift before. I was overwhelmed. I was a child."

"I know, it was just that I wanted to spoil you even then, and even then you would have none of it. You have always outstripped me in maturity and character," he said. "I should have gotten you a doll. What kind of fool gives a child a book?"

"The kind of man who ensures that she can read it. Jacob, that book was a touchstone to me." I assured him.

"I thought Mrs. Cope destroyed it?"

"She did. But as I grew older, I began to fetch things from the market square for her. I made friends with the book seller, and I reread it often. I memorized it. I could still recite it to you, word for word. I love that book." I wanted him to understand how very much the tiny volume had meant to me.

He slid across the carriage and embraced me tightly. "I'll do better, Love, I swear. You will have jewels and gowns and anything else money can buy."

I pulled away and looked into his dark eyes. He seemed to truly believe that was how to show love. A piece of my heart broke for him, and then for me. "No Jacob. I do not want jewels. I have more than enough gowns. What I want are the things money cannot buy." He stared at me and looked like a hurt little boy. "That is not love, Jacob. You cannot buy affection. It must be freely given."

Again I saw the pain in his eyes and he nodded and turned his face to the window. How could I help him see that love was so much more than he imagined it to be? I was determined to bring him to that epiphany. I knew that I was failing, but I promised myself I would continue to try.

There was a distance between us, even though we spent a great deal of time in each other's company. I was determined to remind him how good we were together. I wanted a husband, not merely a friend. I would win him. I would.

We left for London a week later. I had spoken with Sir William and Carlisle and they arranged to follow in a few days' time. It would be a trip filled with just Jacob and I in the confines of a carriage, in the rooms of an inn. I had Jane prepare me beautifully. I dressed in country clothes, flattering and full of comfort. I wore my hair down, just as Jacob liked, and I tried to remember every lesson I had learned from the doves on how to entice a man.

When we stopped for lunch at a posting inn, I began my seduction. Jacob ordered us cold meats and bread, and I began by rolling a thinly sliced piece of ham into a tube and then made certain he was watching as I brought it slowly to my lips and drew it in. My eyes watched his as he watched my lips. I saw his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed hard. His eyes darkened, and he made a sound in his throat that let me know he was captivated. I continued to eat slowly, carefully. I allowed a bit of cream to spill down my chin, and then swept my tongue out to catch it, again, slowly.

Jacob was breathing deeply. I reached out to him and he nearly jumped from his seat. "I need to check on the horses. I shall return when the carriage is again settled."

Not an entirely successful foray, but I could tell he was affected. Step two would begin in the carriage. When we were again on the road, I feigned fatigued. I yawned and stretched.

"You should nap for a bit. We have a few hours before we reach the inn," Jacob said, right on cue.

I sighed. "I might be more comfortable if I could lay my head on your lap. If you wouldn't mind?"

Again I saw him swallow deeply, but he acquiesced. "Of course. Anything you like."

I removed my pelisse and lay it over the seat and then lay down across his legs. He held himself stiffly, as if he were afraid of me. I lay facing the opposite side of the carriage for several moments, and then I rolled onto my back. The dress I wore afforded an expanse of my blossoming bosom. He was looking straight ahead obviously trying to avoid the view. That would not do.

"Jacob?" I said.

"Yes?"

"I have been thinking…" I let it hang there and as I expected his eyes fell down to my face, and then down. I could tell he was trying not to look, but he was a man, after all.

"What is it, Love?"

"I miss you," I said with a little pout.

"Miss me? I am by your side most of my day. I would think you would be rather tired of my company by now."

"And I enjoy the time we are together. It's just… I am glad my dear friend has returned. I like this man. But I thought you wanted our marriage to continue?"

"Have I not made that clear?"

"You have been attentive, and charming. You have been good company, and have taken tender care of me. You are again the Jacob I knew as a child. But Jacob, I am no longer a child. I am a woman. A woman who enjoyed the intimacies she shared with her husband." I watched the words sink in and watched desire darken his eyes.

"I do not wish to push you during your delicate condition."

I began to walk my fingers up the buttons of his waistcoat, very slowly. Jacob caught my hand and brought the fingertips to his lips. "That is not the only reason I have not… I... I think it is better to wait."

"Carlisle says I am fine, and that there is no reason not to resume our relations."

"I know. I too spoke to him. Still, there are things that stand between us."

I sat up abruptly and turned to him. "You no longer want me? I have not altered so terribly much, have I?" I said looking down at my increased curves. Suddenly, I felt defeated. Once again, he had sliced through me with his words. I turned to the window and dashed away the tears that came unbidden.

Jacob pulled my shoulders against his chest and leaned into my ear. "Are you mad? I have spent night after night wanting nothing in the world as much as I want you. You are even more beautiful each day. I could not want you more."

I turned to face him. "Then what stands between us?"

His face fell. "Him."

"Whom?"

"The man you are in love with. I no longer wish to merely tupp you. I want… more."

"I do not understand," I confessed

"I know. Hopefully you will someday."

"So that is it? Until you can find this 'more' we shall not again be man and wife?"

"We are man and wife until I die. But for now, at least, I cannot be with you until I come to terms with what I truly want, and what I am willing to settle for."

How on earth could I argue with that? I would need to consult the women and seek their combined council. I remained determined to woo my husband. I would win him. I would.