AN: Wow! You guys are so incredible! I'm really overwhelmed by all of your responses!
I wanted to get this out to you since so many of you think I'm cruel by leaving you with something of a cliff hanger. I'll try to have something else out for you soon.
I hope you enjoy! Let me know what you think!
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By the time that Sophia came down, freshly scrubbed and wearing pajamas, Carol had already set two plates on the table and had gotten herself under control from the wave of emotions that had snuck up on her as soon as she'd hung up the phone earlier. She thought, now at least, that she could hold things together reasonably well until she was alone for the night.
And she hoped that Daryl not being here…and it being past the time she normally served dinner…meant that he wasn't going to show up with his teeth chattering. She didn't feel like she could handle even him tonight. She wanted to be alone once she retired to her room.
"Do you want tea?" Carol asked as Sophia sat in her chair, appearing to be sulking about something.
"Fine," Sophia said.
Carol nodded and brought the glasses that she'd already prepared, having predicted that Sophia would be fine with the beverage. She put the glasses on the table and sat down, picking at her food.
"Aren't you going to eat?" Carol asked, noticing that Sophia was just sitting there, her elbows on either side of the plate.
"What the hell's going on?" Sophia asked.
Carol shot Sophia a look, warning her silently about watching her language, but Sophia didn't say anything or apologize, she just held Carol's eyes for a moment.
"I know something's wrong," Sophia said. "I'm not stupid…and we can talk about it now or we can talk about it later…but I know something's wrong."
Carol sighed. She had thought it might be better to wait until after they'd eaten to tell Sophia about the call. Really, she'd thought it would be better for her since her stomach was already churning and she was confident that she wasn't going to want the food once they'd discussed everything.
It seemed, though, that Sophia had other plans, and she had a right to know. It might even make her meal more enjoyable.
"Your case worker called today," Carol said.
Sophia held her eyes, but didn't respond in any way. Her face was like a wall.
"They want us both to come in on Monday and talk to her…talk to a counselor," Carol said.
Sophia stared at her.
"What are you gonna say?" Sophia asked.
Carol looked back at the girl. She didn't know what she was going to say because she didn't even know what they were going to talk about, not exactly. She didn't think it really mattered anyway.
Carol shrugged a little, putting her fork down. Her interest in the food gone entirely.
"I'm going to answer whatever they ask me," Carol said. "What do you think I'm going to say?"
Sophia didn't move. She looked down at her plate a moment and then brought her eyes back up.
"Don't you know what these meetings are about?" Sophia asked, her voice lower than it had to be when it was just the two of them in the house.
Carol shrugged a little. She had the feeling that Sophia wasn't really asking her the question. It didn't matter if she answered it or not.
"This is the ding dong ditch," Sophia said. "Your chance to unload me…I go in there and they ask me about my life…pretend it matters…but it doesn't matter what the hell I say. All that matters is what you say. You tell them if I'm good here or if I'm not…they smile at me and in a week they call you to drop me off if you're unloading my ass. Ding dong ditch."
Carol frowned at Sophia.
"It isn't about that," Carol said. She sighed. "Sophia…they've got another placement for you. A good placement."
Sophia sat across the table, not moving. She might as well have been made out of marble for all the movement that she was employing.
"The people," Carol continued, remembering what she'd heard the case worker telling her, "are an older man and woman. They've had a bunch of kids, Sophia…kids like you that didn't work out in other homes. They offer them a stable home…a good home…and then they take in another when they've got an opening. Their oldest, she just went off to college on scholarships…they've got room for you and they want you to come there. They've dealt with all kinds of children…the wife is a therapist. The husband's a preacher of some sort…it's a stable family."
Sophia continued to stare.
When the social worker had told Carol all of this she'd felt her heart clench and her stomach turn. She'd barely gotten off the phone with the woman fast enough to empty the contents of her stomach.
She'd never expected the reaction from herself, but then there had been a lot of times in her life that her body hadn't felt like her own.
She'd understood from the time that the woman had called her to come and get Sophia that they were looking for a place for the girl. They were looking for a better place for her. Somewhere where she could get what she needed. She could get all the things that Carol didn't have to offer her…she could have a good life.
Carol had known from the beginning that she was simply a placeholder for Sophia. She wasn't good for her…she wasn't some four star parent for the girl…she was a roof over her head and food in her belly until they found that four star household.
And now they'd found it. Even Carol thought the place sounded like a nice place to live. It was a few towns over and the couple apparently had a very nice house, near good schools, and they had a lot of land. They'd dealt with troubled children for years, never having any of their own, and every one of their children had gone on to achieve at least some kind of success. They'd gone on to overcome everything and to have a good life.
They'd been able to offer the children stability and love. They'd been able to offer them a nurturing home to live in…a life when they left it…and surely something to come back to when they needed it.
They sounded like wonderful parents and the home was the best thing that could happen to Sophia. It was what she needed out of life. And now they were waiting on her.
From what Carol understood, there would be the meeting with the social worker, the meeting with the counselor, and then the parents would come and pick Sophia up. And Sophia would go on to a good life. She would go on to finally have all that she deserved and all the hell that she'd probably been through…all of the things that Carol saw boiling behind her eyes from time to time…would be erased.
They could offer the girl things that Carol never could offer her. Things that the social worker knew she'd never had to offer.
And repeating that to herself over and over while she sat on the bathroom floor with her back against the wall was all that had gotten Carol up in time to make sure she didn't burn dinner.
This wasn't about her. This was about Sophia. She wasn't supposed to be a parent…not a real parent. She was just supposed to take care of Sophia for a little while and then she'd go on to something better. That's the only kind of parent that Carol had ever been…and it was the only kind she was fit to be. She was just a placeholder for a little while…before there was something that had to be better than anything she could ever offer.
And she knew that as soon as Sophia was gone on to better things, she'd withdraw her name from the fostering agency.
She'd been a placeholder for two children in her life, and that was enough for her heart to handle.
But this wasn't about her. This was about Sophia, and her job with the girl wasn't done yet. Before it could be done, she had to get Sophia safely to the people that could offer her a better life. She had to see her off.
Carol wasn't ready to see what looked like tears in the girl's eyes.
"What are their names?" Sophia asked.
Carol shrugged and shook her head.
"I forgot," she admitted. She cleared her throat, willing herself not to be upset. This wasn't about her. "The last name was Hollings," Carol offered.
Sophia looked down at her plate.
"Do you want me to go?" Sophia asked.
Carol chewed at her lip. How was she going to answer that? How could she tell Sophia in one breath that she didn't want her to go…that she really, really, didn't want her to go and in the next tell her that she knew that it was best for her and so she felt like it was selfish of her to keep her there?
"It's your chance to have a good home, Sophia. Real parents…a good life," Carol said, trying to skirt the question entirely.
Sophia looked at her, her eyes almost burning into her. Carol felt her heart clench at the sight of the tears that Sophia was obviously trying to hold back.
"Where are they?" Sophia asked.
"It's a little town…about an hour's drive from here," Carol said. She cleared her throat again, feeling it closing. She realized it was scratchy and sore from being sick earlier. "They've got a big house and a lot of land."
"I'd have to change schools," Sophia said, looking back at the table.
Carol nodded.
"Yes…your school would be different, but they said they have nice schools there," Carol offered.
Sophia picked up her fork then, but she only used it to stab at the table, dragging it back and forth against the grain of the table cloth.
"They probably don't have a shop there," Sophia said.
Carol sucked in a breath.
"I'm sure they do, Sophia…every town has to have somewhere…" Carol said.
Sophia shrugged slightly.
"You might find out there are other things you like too," Carol offered. "I'm sure they have lots of things to do there…they're used to having children around…and teenagers."
Sophia shrugged again. She looked up again.
"Do you want me to go?" She repeated.
Carol sighed.
"It's a good place, Sophia," she said, feeling her chest tighten. "They're very nice people and they've had something like twelve fosters. It's a real family…"
Sophia stopped abusing the table cloth and looked at Carol.
"Yeah…you've said that a couple times," Sophia said. "Ain't what I asked, though. I asked if you want me to go."
Carol swallowed.
"I want…" she broke off. "I want you to have what's best for you. I want you to know what it's like to have a real family…I want you to have all those things, Sophia, that a little girl deserves…before it's too late for you to have them."
Sophia continued to stare at her and Carol was almost uncomfortable with the intensity of it.
Then Sophia shifted in her chair.
"Do you want me to go?" Sophia asked. Her face changed then, but Carol couldn't really read what the change was meant to display. "I don't want you to tell me what's good for me…and I don't want to hear about what the social worker thinks is good for me. No more bullshit. Just a simple yes or a no. Do you want me to go?"
Carol was surprised at the tone of voice that Sophia used.
"Do I want to see you leave?" Carol asked, finally losing her resolve to hide entirely from Sophia what the thought of it all was doing to her internal organs. "No…Sophia…I don't. I want you to have what you deserve, though, and they can give that to you."
Sophia frowned.
"How do you know what I deserve?" Sophia asked. "Or what I want?"
Carol frowned back at the girl.
"You don't want a family?" Carol asked.
Sophia shrugged and Carol sighed.
"What do you want, Sophia?" Carol asked.
Sophia looked back at her, this time the tears starting their descent down her face, her mouth set in a firm frown.
"I want you to want me to stay," Sophia said. She shrugged a little. "And I want…"
Carol sat, barely able to breathe, and waited the girl out.
"I want Daryl to come over…and I want Wren to wear his helmet when we go driving next week…and I want Mac to keep his promise that he's leaving me the shop because he doesn't have any kids and…I…" Sophia stopped, silently crying, and Carol didn't know what to do even though she was fully aware of the hot tears running down her own face. "I want to keep my family…this one. I don't want you to want me to go."
Carol, unable to hold back her own feelings for the moment, got up and circled around the table, taking Sophia's arm. At first the girl stayed firmly in place, but finally she stood up, wrapping her arms around Carol, her head against her shoulder.
And Carol didn't know what else to do so she held the girl and let the girl cry…and she cried. And when Sophia finally calmed down a little, she pulled away from her, reaching toward the table for napkins to clean up the mess that both of them were at the moment.
"I don't want you to go, sweetheart," Carol said. "But I'm not a Mama…you could have so much better, Sophia. So much better than anything here."
Sophia's face was still deep set in the frown.
"I'm going to tell them that I don't want to go," Sophia said, definitively. "You have to decide what you're going to tell them…they're only going to listen to you."
Carol swallowed and smoothed Sophia's hair back from her face where it was sticking in the residue dampness of her tears.
"You know that if you tell them that you don't want to go," Carol said, "that you might not get this opportunity again? They might not find you a place like this again?"
Sophia shrugged.
"If I don't go," she said after a moment, "are you going to tell them to take me back?"
Carol stood there a moment. She hadn't thought about any of this. She hadn't foreseen the conversation going this way. She would have thought that Sophia would jump at the offer and that's all there was going to be to it. She hadn't expected this reaction.
Carol shook her head.
"If this is where you want to be," Carol said, "then this is where you can stay as long as I have anything to say about it…until you're ready to go."
"Are you going to tell them that?" Sophia asked. "Because if you're not…"
She let her voice break off.
"Just…don't lie to me," Sophia said. "If I'm leaving in a couple weeks…let me know, OK? Don't ding dong ditch me."
Carol chuckled in spite of the fact that she still felt like she had a rusty meat cleaver wedged between her ribs.
She pulled Sophia back into a hug.
"I promise," Carol said. "No ding dong ditching…I'm going to tell them that you're welcome to stay here…that I'm happy to have you here if you want to stay."
Sophia squeezed Carol and then pulled away.
"Eat your dinner?" Carol asked.
Sophia looked at the plate and then back at Carol.
"I'm not really hungry," she said.
Carol nodded. She could understand. She honestly wasn't hungry anymore either.
"Fine…" she said.
"I've got a lot of homework," Sophia said.
Carol sighed, but nodded her head, knowing full well by now that homework was Sophia's way of saying she needed time alone.
And Carol wasn't going to argue because at the moment she could stand a little time herself. She squeezed Sophia's shoulder and the girl turned, offering a shaky goodnight, and bounded up the stairs.
Carol went to cleaning up the mess from dinner, putting the leftovers away for the following day, and thinking over all that had happened…and what that meant for her…and what it meant for Sophia.
And for as much as she felt like she wasn't meant to have Sophia there…and as much as she felt like the girl could do much better and might be making a mistake of a lifetime by turning down this placement…Carol felt a little thankful, and a little selfish for feeling that way, that Sophia wasn't leaving in a week or two. And she knew that she meant what she said. Sophia might not always choose to stay, but Carol wasn't going to turn her away, not for as long as she wanted to stay.
