AN: Good morning! This is a chapter I had not really intended to write, at least not this way, but Teddy had other ideas so here it is...Thanks to Laura all traces of British spelling as well as a few other annoyances have been eradicated, so many thanks to her and to all the other who have offered to proof read (but have not drawn the short straw).

Ch 48 Home sweet home

Ana woke up gasping, a vivid image still lingering in her mind: Dominant Christian, wearing only his jeans, towering over a petite female figure kneeling at his feet. The woman's face remained hidden, but she had no doubt that it was her. This wasn't a memory of their time together; this was Christian's alter ego, the part of him he had attempted to tame for her sake.

A shuddering breath was not quite enough to fill her lungs with air, but the effort proved sufficient to return her awareness to the here and now, to the guest bedroom in the small house in Rock Hill. She had not had that particular dream in years, and she knew exactly what had brought it on this time: against her better judgment, she had caved to feelings of guilt and Elliot's arguments and had accepted Christian's offer of a private jet for her return flight.

'Rebecca', the stewardess, had given her a quick tour: there was no bedroom, but the chairs could be reclined in what she was assured would be comfortable bedding, and her privacy was ensured by the staff - consisting solely of the smiling younger woman - having their own seating area between the galley and the cockpit. At the back of the main cabin was a bathroom which included a shower, and that is where her belongings had been delivered. With an apology that she had had too little time to shop for anything better than what the airport boutiques had to offer, Rebecca had indicated a white terry bathrobe and on top of that, neatly folded, a dark blue silk pyjama set. The bathroom had also been stocked with jasmine scented soap, shower gel, shampoo, and conditioner.

During take-off, Rebecca had asked permission to sit next to her, citing the fact that there were just the two of them on the plane.

She had not dared use the silk creation. She had showered, as quickly as she could, and, enveloped in the bathrobe, had slept through the whole flight. In the morning, she had managed to hold herself together until she said her goodbyes to the friendly stewardess and while the golf-cart like contraption took her to her car.

She could pretend that she had slept because she had had a long day or because she had had several drinks or because of the combination of the two, but she had been tired before, and she had had drinks before, and neither had resulted in such a restful and peaceful sleep. While seated behind the wheel of her Chevrolet, first one then another tear spilled from beneath her closed eyelids. She had eventually given into the sobs and the admission that she had slept because she had felt safe knowing who had arranged all of that for her.

And that was the problem. That was the conflict inside her own mind she had still not resolved. She had come so far as to understand that it wasn't Christian she was afraid of. Chatting with the submissives on the online forum had helped her clarify a few things.

Christian had tried to explain to her that he had not made anyone do anything, that the women were submitting to him - serving him - because they wanted to, but she hadn't really understood until she had heard it from actual submissives. They were literally finding joy and fulfilment in serving their masters, in pleasing them. Once they had discussed and agreed upon limits and preferences for both parts, the Dom was in charge, while the sub's sole goal became to please their Dom. And so any lingering doubt that she could ever fulfil the role of a submissive had been put to rest. Yes, it was a nice feeling to know she had done something to please Dan, and imagining pleasing Christian still took her breath away, but she just couldn't see herself living with that single goal in mind. To her dismay, her feelings about some other aspect of D/s, kink, and BDSM were far less clear cut.

With a groan, she squeezed her eyes shut. Christian would never ask that of her. He would never ask that from any woman who was not willing to give it to him. Angry with herself, she threw off the bedcovers and marched into the bathroom. As hot water poured over her body, she forced her mind into the present.

The trip to Seattle had been meant to help, to give both her and Grace some form of closure. Her actions had forced the rest of the Greys to watch Teddy from a distance, and Grace and Elliot had made it clear that she was no longer part of the family. As painful as that was, it was also fair: she would do whatever she could to help them build a relationship with Teddy and then stay out of their way.

The rest of her morning was as difficult as the start of it. Dan had told her the previous evening about the honest discussion he had had with Emma, and so she had taken advantage of the quiet morning to spend some time with her daughter, to reassure her that no matter what was going to happen next, she and Dan will forever remain her parents and be a part of her life. Emma had needed more than vague reassurances and some her questions just didn't have an immediate answer. The best she had been able to accomplish was to reassure her that they will always be her family, that they will all always be there for her, and then they had moved on to talking about Emma's own dreams and hopes.

And then there was Dan. Not that she could blame him, but he was losing patience.

'We have both been stuck in our pasts, so maybe it's time to try and let the past be the past and move on,' he had said.

When Linda rang the doorbell to pick her up for their gym session, she was so tense the prospect of having something physical to do was more than welcome. She knew she was going to pay the price the following day, but for the next hour and a half, music blaring through her headphones, she unleashed all her pent up frustration on the unsuspecting gym equipment. After a second shower, her energy momentarily drained, she and Linda were sitting at a small table by the window of the coffee shop across the street from the gym.

Once they had placed their orders, Linda leaned her head to one side and challenged, "That was quite an impressive display in the gym."

"Sorry," Ana blushed, "I had some things on my mind I needed to work through."

"You don't say." Linda raised an eyebrow then sighed. "Was it that bad, Seattle?"

"No, not really. I don't think Grace will ever forgive me, but I can understand why. At least now she has an explanation for what happened, lame as it is. Elliot was a little less distant, eventually, but he has his own problems, and he had promised Christian he will see me through the day, so I guess he was just putting a better face on it than Grace."

"What do you mean he had promised Christian to see you through the day?"

Ana shook her head. "Just that. I guess I never told you this part, but Christian has been keeping an eye on us. Besides regularly coming to see Eddy, he has ensured we were okay and stepped in a few times when we weren't."

"Are you serious?"

"Unfortunately, yes."

"Why unfortunately?"

Ana sighed. "The only proof I have for any of this is the fact that I mentioned some of it to Christian, and he has not denied it. Most of what he has done was for Eddy's benefit: music school and language club, ensuring the house got fixed after the storm, that kind of thing. But he also helped when Emma was in the accident. I am fairly sure it was Christian who paid for her to be entered into that research program, and I'm certain he is the reason why her doctor moved from Boston to Charleston."

"But if he helped with the house…I thought you didn't know he had found you."

Ana sighed. "You didn't move to Rock Hill until the following year, but the insurance company was dragging its feet, and the bank wouldn't lend us money, then a charity stepped in and guaranteed the costs for labor and materials for any houses that needed repairs. Ours was in the first three that benefitted from that help."

"Prosperus," Linda nodded, "they were still involved in a few projects when I started at the bank, and the repayments took quite a while longer. They ended up making a profit and used it for other repairs around town, public spaces and such."

"Posterus. Of course they did end up making a profit. Did I ever tell you what my ex is doing for a living?" Without waiting for an answer to the rhetorical question, Ana asked a new one. "Do you remember what else they helped with?"

"No, not really, I just remember this much because it was unusual for a charity to make money."

"Two of the things they helped restore were the library and Cherry Park. Even if I disregard the fact that the library is where I work, does it strike you as unusual that Cherry Park has so few cherry trees?"

"It does have a few but, yes, it's mostly full of peonies, in all shapes and forms," Linda again nodded. "I thought you liked peonies?"

Almost choking on repressed tears, Ana nodded. "I do - They're my favorite flowers."

"He built you a park?!"

Not yet able to speak, Ana took a deep breath and nodded, then slowly exhaled.

"I think so, and that is what makes me uneasy. The park was for me, not for Teddy. He sponsors the Fourth of July fireworks, and he comes to watch me watch them. He also comes for Eddy's birthdays, but on the 4th, I'm pretty sure he comes for me. You already know about the publishing company he has managed since I left him. The house in which we used to live in Seattle was in my name. Day before yesterday I found out that he has kept it staffed and ready, exactly the way I left it. He doesn't live there. He has just ensured that if I ever wanted or needed to return, I have a home and a job to go back to. He has defended me and my actions in front of his family. He got his brother to keep me company while I was in Seattle, and then he chartered a plane to take me back here so I didn't have to travel commercial alone."

A little wide eyed, Linda stared at her friend. I thought you said he had his own life and was just being discreet about his relationships?"

"He has, and he is. His second marriage failed, and his attempts to date again after that have also failed. That kind of thing just doesn't work for him. But there are women who are happy to…be with him on his terms. It's what he had before he met me."

"You could have fooled me," Linda commented a little absent minded.

"What do you mean?"

"I would say all of this sounds almost…obsessive, but he has known where you were for years and didn't approach you, so maybe I am just paranoid. Then again, this could be the longest apology in the history of men apologizing for being stupid, but you seem to think otherwise, so… what do you make of it?"

"Actually, I think you are probably right, on both counts. The way Christian and I parted…it shouldn't have happened that way, but the fact remains that love was no longer enough to keep us together. I think in his mind, he has failed me first, so in a way you are right that this is an apology, and it's obvious he still feels responsible for me. But the reality is that there were two of us in that marriage, and we failed each other. Whatever he chooses to do for Teddy, that is his right and his privilege, but it isn't right for me to continue to accept his help and his care when it comes to just me. Now that he is back in… Eddy's life, we both know we'll have to talk to each other, get some closure. When we do, I have to be strong enough to face him knowing that we cannot be together, and I will have to convince him that I am strong enough to take care of myself so he can let go of me."

Once she had spoken the words, the space suddenly left empty in her chest would not fill regardless of how many breaths she took. It became just another thing she would have to learn to live with.

"It's that what you want?"

"No. But what I want I cannot have. I have run for years trying to avoid hearing him say that we couldn't be together, and it's time to stop and face the truth. Even Dan has noticed. He has hinted a few times, and yesterday he mentioned that he thinks it's time to let go of the past and move on."

"How is Dan?"

"Oh, Linda! He has been nothing but supportive and understanding. He has been great with Eddy, and just what he needed, and I know this must be hard for him. The last thing I want is to hurt Dan, too. If I can be strong enough to let go of Christian, I can be strong enough to be what Dan and our children need."

"And what do you need?"

"It doesn't matter. I have made my choices a long time ago, and I have to live with the consequences. I'll be a mother to my children and a partner for Dan, and I have my job at the library. It will have to be enough."

"Because you can't be what your ex needs or wants from a partner?"

"No, because - ," Ana stopped and closed her eyes. When she opened them again, there was a resolve behind her stare that had not been there before. "I took his son away from him, Linda, and I took a father away from our son."

Linda swallowed a few times before she could articulate. "Belle, sweetie... I don't think it works that way." Wondering how to get her friend to see what was wrong with her plan, she sighed. "What you did, I can understand the guilt and the need to make amends. But the apologies and any amends have to be what the…offended party needs."

"I know. I have already arrived at the conclusion that Grace and Elliot would rather not have me around. I understand that it is their right to not accept my apology or my explanation. And I will not only stay away from Christian but I'll do whatever I can to prove to him that he doesn't have to keep taking care of me."

"And what do you think will take to get Christian to let go of you?"

"He needs to see me strong and confident. I'm working on it."

"I've noticed the change in you, we all have," Linda acknowledged.

"You did?"

"Yes. You…sit up straight, hold you head up higher; you dress differently or perhaps wear your clothes differently. I thought it was just me because I knew all this about you and Christian, but the others have also noticed."

"Then maybe Christian will see it as well."

"Perhaps, but somehow I don't think that it will be enough to get him to let you go."

"Why not? "Ana frowned.

"Because the man who has built you a park and organizes fireworks that are the envy of the county just for you, doesn't just want you to be self-assured, Belle, he wants you to be happy."

"I can do that," Ana nodded.

"By being whatever the children and Dan need of you?"

"Yes. I love my children, and I might not be in love with Dan, but I do care for him."

Despairing of getting her friend to see the light, Linda pulled the last ace out of her sleeve. "And if, once Dan has moved on from his past, what he'll need is more than just 'caring'?

By the time Ana had to return to her home, Linda had also pointed out that she was not under a deadline to choose a course of action and that thanks to Christian's generosity, she actually had options. Now sitting in her car outside the white house with the brown woodwork and the beds of flowers under the windows, she had to admit that there was overwhelming evidence that Christian, Eddy, and Dan all cared about her. With that in mind, her immediate goal will have to be to find out just what they each needed from her and then figure out how to give it to them without making them feel guilty or sorry for whatever it was they needed. That, and how to keep Emma from becoming another casualty of her bad decisions.

xXx

Stepping off what he had learned was the smaller of Christian's two jets and onto the tarmac in Charlotte, then walking to Dan's parked Ford sedan felt disturbingly normal. Eddy and Dan stood by the car, silently watching the jet taxi towards the hangar at the far end. As the noise finally died down, Eddy spoke first.

"Thanks for coming to pick me up, Dad; I know you have work tomorrow."

"Least I could do. Ready to go home?"

The hour long drive was spent discussing what had been going on in their little corner of the world in the past two days. Between a summary of the sports results and the weather prognosis for a storm in the middle of the following week, Eddy also found out that his parents and his sister were going to the Big Apple the following weekend. Soon enough, the car stopped in front of his childhood home. With only the driveway and about ten feet of lawn and flower beds between the road and the porch, the house looked exposed and vulnerable. Instinctively, Teddy's eyes flew to the side mirror where the distant headlights of another car where shining. The car eventually passed them by to continue down the street, but he kept staring after it until Dan shifted in the seat beside him. "Something wrong?"

"No," his first instinct was to reassure his dad, but then he admitted, "There's something I'd like to talk to you about, both you and Mom, in fact, but it can wait."

Dan's reply was lost in the commotion created by Emma barrelling out of the house, down the few steps leading to the driveway and yanking Eddy's door open.

"Eddy!" she shouted then immediately curbed her enthusiasm, "You coming in or what? I'm starving."

The contrast between the two days when everybody kept tiptoeing around him and the abrupt welcome was just too much, and Eddy burst out laughing.

"Hiya, Squirt, missed me, huh?"

"Not at all, and don't call me squirt and stop laughing at me; it's not funny," Emma said all in one breath as she hugged him then took his hand to drag him into the house.

The familiar family room was another welcome sight with everything packed so close together. He didn't actually have to use any of his distance vision to recognize every single object in the room. Then his mother appeared in the doorway between the room and the corridor. Last time he had seen her was at the airport in Seattle while he was still firmly Eddy Parson, and Christian Grey was just an option, a distant 'maybe' in his life.

Whatever she saw as he stood frozen in the middle of the living room halted her approach and dampened some of the light in her eyes, but this time Eddy just couldn't find it in him to regret producing that reaction.

"Hi Eddy, are you hungry? We have kept dinner for you," his mother's voice reached him. The soothing sound only served to disperse the tenuous grasp he had on his emotions, but before he could speak, Emma flexed the fingers of the hand still wrapped around his:

"Eddy, what's wrong?" she asked, looking up.

"Nothing, just tired I guess," he answered, keeping his eyes firmly on his younger sister. "Let me go get a quick shower and change, okay?"

Unable to bear another minute in their presence, he let go of Emma and strode past his mother with a barely audible 'Mom' as his only greeting. Ten minutes later he had showered, changed, and entered the kitchen determined to not spoil the evening for his sister and his dad.

"Thank you for waiting for me," he said, addressing no one in particular as he took his usual seat beside Emma.

"It's not much," Dan warned, "but we all wanted a chance to spend a little time with you."

"Thanks, Dad," Eddy repeated with a little more feeling, as Ana also took her seat to his right, at the end closest to the kitchen counter.

A large bowl of steaming corncobs, cold roasted chicken and thick homemade tomato sauce were on the table and for a moment everybody was busy filling their plates. Before any of them could actually take a bite, Emma could no longer bear the wait and asked: "So how was it, Seattle?"

"Emma, let Eddy eat," Dan gently reminded her.

"No, it's okay," Eddy addressed both of them. "I met Grace Grey, Elliot, and Ava, his daughter. They are really nice people and were very kind and welcoming." His eyes darted to his mother then back to Emma as he added, "Especially Christian's mother. She asked about you, so I told her a little about everybody."

"She asked about me?!" Emma couldn't hide the surprise.

"Mhm," Eddy nodded.

"What did you tell her?"

"That you are my little sister and that you are very talented at what you do…and that you never really walk anywhere, always sprint or jump or pirouette wherever you go."

"You didn't!"

"Did, too."

"Eddy!" Emma whined.

"It's okay, Em. I did tell her that, but I think she liked that about you."

"Oh," Emma looked down to hide her embarrassment and the strange mixture of disappointment and relief that Eddy had not mentioned the one person she was most interested in. But she had waited for this for weeks and as long as she was embarrassed anyway, she took her chances with a more direct question. "And did you meet…Samantha?"

"Yes, I did. She was friendly and has a sense of humor; I think you'd like her."

"So…is she…like your sister now?"

"Well, I don't know yet. You were here first so there's that. Perhaps you could meet her sometime and let me know what you think?"

"Think about what?"

"If you'd be okay with that."

"Are you teasing me now?"

"No, Em, I'm not."

As Emma once again looked away pretending to be occupied with her food, Eddy briefly glanced at his parents, then took the chance to change the subject. "Dad said you're going to New York in a few days?"

By the time Emma had finished sharing with him everything she knew about the Marymount Manhattan College, it was late enough that any other discussions would have to wait, and moments later, they had all retired to their respective rooms for the night.

Unfortunately, knowing that he had to get some sleep didn't mean Eddy was actually able to do so. Whether his eyes were closed or open and staring at the ceiling didn't make much difference. He had too much on his mind, and besides, for him it was not even late evening. When he had tossed and turned enough times that the bed sheets had turned into a loosely twisted length of fabric, he gave up and got out of the bed to go in search of a glass of water or some milk.

Seeing the lone figure sat at the kitchen table hugging a cup of tea almost made him regret coming downstairs, but going back to bed was not an option, so he entered the kitchen and made a bee line for the fridge.

"Eddy. Can I get you anything?"

For the second time that evening, he froze. Slowly and with just a hint of regret he turned to face his mother. Mercifully, the only illumination came from the spotlights under the wall cabinets, making her face barely distinguishable in the shadows.

"Is that how you think of me? As Eddy?"

"Most of the time; yes, I do."

"But that's not my real name, is it?"

It was a small kitchen, and so it only took four steps for him to reach the table, pull out a chair, and sit down facing her.

"I accused Christian of not knowing what to call him. I'll never know what to call him, Mom. We have agreed on Christian, but we both know it's not enough, and I can't call him anything else because that is reserved for Dad. I thought that was hard, but you know what's even harder? I don't know what to call myself anymore."

Ana could see enough of her son to gather it was not grief but anger sharpening the lines of his face. He was not asking for her help; he was informing her of how he felt. Hoping that it was the right choice, that what he needed was the opportunity to voice his anger and his frustration, she refrained from interrupting.

"Does the name Liam McConnell mean anything to you?" Eddy asked.

"Mac? Yes, it does."

"He's just a stranger, mom, paid help. But he was so happy to see me he couldn't speak English anymore. He called me Theodore and now Grace's house keeper does too and the Greys call me Teddy. I don't think I had realized just how much others might have missed me until I saw the joy in a stranger's face. If Mac missed me, how could you think the others wouldn't want me around?"

With a deep breath to calm the trembling of her lips, Ana reminded herself that Eddy had no use for her tears.

"I never understood that part, but all the evidence was pointing that that was the case, and to my eternal regret, I didn't find the courage to confront them or Christian. I let you down when you needed me the most, and I know there is nothing I can do or say that can repair or excuse what I did. I won't ask you to forgive me. I simply hope you will believe how sorry I am for what I did."

Eddy's eyes remained hard and unrelenting while he considered his mother's words. Abruptly, he stood and went back to the fridge to get that glass of milk, but then instead of returning to his seat, he remained by the kitchen window looking over the minuscule patch of land that constituted their back garden.

"When you say you have failed me when you took me away from Seattle, it's like saying Dad has not been good enough for me. I cannot and will not regret having Dad in my life. What I am angry about is that I never knew who I am, where I come from. There were times when I thought there was something wrong with me. That music piece I couldn't find but was always there at the edge of my memory…If Christian hadn't remembered it, if he hadn't been able to give me that missing piece of myself, I would have walked away from him."

Absentmindedly, Eddy emptied the glass of milk then turned around to face his mother again: "You asked me once if I wanted to know about my father, and I told you no. I didn't need to know about another person. I didn't need to know his name or that he loved me. I needed to know why I liked to play the piano, why of all of us, I am the only one who is this driven, this ambitious, this passionate about things. I needed to know which parts of me belonged to my ancestry and which parts belonged to the way I have been raised so I could figure out which parts are mine alone."

Under her stare, he once again turned away, this time to take his glass to the sink. Only when she realized he was about to leave the kitchen did Ana shake off the stunning effect of her son's words. Even with the speed of desperation urging her forward she barely caught up with him before he made his way into the corridor.

"Eddy! Please don't leave. I don't know what to say to all of that. To say I'm sorry doesn't come close. You are Christian Grey's son and have been raised by Dan Parson and what makes you you is what you have done with those parts, how you have put them together, regardless of where they came from."

Slowly Eddy found his way to one of the barstools by the counter and half leaned, half-sat on it.

"I used to know that," he admitted, "but now Christian is back in my life, and I had no idea how it would feel to see those common traits in somebody else. Not to feel the need to apologize that this," Eddy waved in the general direction of the town beyond the backyard, "is not enough for me, that I want more from life than a good job and a small house with a picket fence, to look at a face and know that this is how I'll look in thirty years, to look at his hands and recognize my fingers and the shape of my nails, it's like coming home. It's like finding out you have a home. And for me, it's the wrong home. I have with somebody else what I should have had with Dad. This weekend… at times it was so overwhelming that I had to push back, check that I could still be me and establish some boundaries."

"You fought with Christian?"

"No, not really. He wouldn't let it go that far, although I rattled him a couple of times. It's more…we never got to arm-wrestle or play ball or race each other, so we don't know where those boundaries are, either. So we compete in a different way. I challenge him, and he challenges me; and we…learn how far and how fast we can push. He also cares about me, a lot. In a way, he has also been a dad, when he could. Then he sent me home in his jet, and Dad saw it. What was I supposed to say? It's okay, Dad; it's just the smaller one? How do I explain that it's just Christian's version of a Ford sedan?"

An audible sigh and the sound of bare feet on the floor warned them of Dan's presence before they could see him.

"You don't need to tell me that, Eddy. You can, however, tell Christian that his version of a Ford sedan needs a very large parking space and is very loud." With that, Dan pulled up his usual chair and sat at the kitchen table, then pointed out, "Kind of late for a talk."

"I couldn't sleep. I just came down for a glass of milk, and Mom was already in the kitchen."

"Eddy," Dan said, while resting his forearms on the table and steepling his fingers, "I can go around this any number of times, but it won't change a thing. The way you found out about your father was wrong, but you did find out, and he is part of your life. I appreciate that you mind how I feel about that, but I'll be here no matter what, okay? Now you said there was something you wanted to talk to us about. It is late, but as long as we are all here, do you want to tell us what's on your mind?"

His heart filled with gratitude for the man who apparently was willing to take on Christian Grey for his sake. Eddy shook his head. "It's nothing that can't wait. Maybe we can talk tomorrow evening?"

"If you're sure."

"Yes, I am. Thanks Dad, and sorry we woke you up."

Dan was the last one to leave the kitchen, having made sure both Belle and Eddy returned to their rooms to try and find some rest. He had only overheard the last two or three sentences of what seemed to have been a heated conversation between Belle and Eddy. He was not going to leave it at that, but tomorrow would come soon enough, and by then, they will all, hopefully, have clearer heads.

AN: next chapter will tie up most of the loose ends so we can move to the next stage.