Chapter 54: Say It Ain't So
Say it ain't so
Your drug is a heartbreaker
Say it ain't so
My love is a life taker
I can't confront you
I never could do
That which might hurt you
So try and be cool
When I say
This way is a waterslide away from me
That takes you further every day
Ellie
I quickly pulled my hair back into a messy ponytail before grabbing my backpack and
closing my bedroom door behind me. I could already hear my mom puttering around the kitchen downstairs, pots and pans clanking and the refrigerator door opening and closing one second later. I sighed as I thought about the past week I had just spent in the house taking care of my mother as she grieved over our loss.
I didn't bother grieving.
Sure, my world pretty much ended when my father moved out, but I had to be strong. I allowed myself to cry for two minutes before picking up where I left off. I made my mom breakfast in the morning, helped her to the couch, sat with her and watched television for a good portion of the day, made her lunch, ignored the constant ringing of the phone, cooked her dinner, and tucked her into bed. Repeat the next day.
Now it's Monday- the first day of school after break and my mom's first day without me to keep her company.I'm not exactly sure how she's going to handle being alone...
"Eleanor?" My mom called out weakly from the living room couch.
"I'm here." I reached over the back of the couch and squeezed her hand. She squeezed it back slightly and turned on her side, ashamed that fresh tears were already falling. "It's okay, Mom."
I glanced at the clock- approximately thirty minutes to make it to school. Either I could leave now and have maybe five minutes to spare before home room, or I could quickly make my mom some breakfast.My mom sniffled, and my mind was immediately made up. I set my backpack down and walked into the kitchen.
"How does some toast sound, Mom?"
She didn't respond. I looked back at her as I untied the bread bag and sighed. She was already going into one of her episodes. She stared blankly at the TV, not moving except for the rise and fall of her chest as she breathed. I threw the bread into the toaster and scanned the refrigerator for jam.
"Strawberry, grape, or apple butter?"
I picked the apple butter when she didn't answer. On second thought...
I threw it away in the trash can.
Apple butter is my dad's favorite.
I quickly spread the strawberry jam on the toast and filled a glass with apple juice before placing it on the coffee table in front of the couch. "Here you go."
She didn't make a move to eat it. I crouched down and stared her in the face. "Mom, you have to eat something, okay? I'm going to fix you some lunch, and I'll put it in the fridge, okay? Then when you get hungry you can just get it out. Maybe during your soaps, okay?"
She nodded silently, chewing on her bottom lip as she took a piece of toast and picked at it. "Thanks," she sulked.
"No problem. How about peanut butter and jam for lunch? I don't know what else we have..."
"Fine."
I quickly spread the peanut butter and jam on two rice cakes and pushed them together. I placed it on a plate and set a small branch of grapes next to it. "Okay, it's right here in the fridge. And if you want a snack, there are bananas and some granola bars next to the toaster."
I looked at my watch and swore quietly. I was already going to be fifteen minutes late, at least.
I was almost out the door when my mom called for me again. "Ellie?"
"Yeah, Mom?" I'll admit, I was a little exasperated. I was already going to get in shit from Degrassi's evil secretary for being this late. Imagine if I missed my entire first class? God, she'd love to smear that in my face.
"Nevermind..."
"No, what is it?"
"I'm not trying to make you angry with me..."
A flash of guilt shot through me. I rushed back over to the couch and brushed a hand over her hair. "It's fine, Mom. I didn't mean to snap at you..."
"Could you get me that blanket? I'm cold."
I grabbed the blanket from the basket in the corner of the room and spread it out over her. "Is that good?"
"Yes. Thanks."
"No problem. Okay, I'm leaving now. Are you going to be okay?"
She stuck her lower lip out a little, but nodded.
"Okay, I'll come right home after school. Bye!"
I peeked around the corner and let out a sigh of relief when I realized that Evil Secretary wasn't there. Instead, Besty- a kind, if flighty, mother of two- was quickly tapping at the computer keys.
"Hi, Betsy..."
"Oh, hi sweetheart! How are you?"
"Fine."
"Aren't you absent today? I didn't see you marked on the roster."
I placed my palms on the counter top and leaned forward a little. "I had to help my mom out this morning. She has the flu. So, I'm late..."
"Oh dear! I hope your mom starts to feel better!"
"I'm sure she will." Liar. You're such a damn liar.
Betsy smiled kindly at me and wheeled her chair to the table behind her. "Let me just get you an excuse slip..."
"Well, hello Besty..."
I let out an inward groan when I heard that voice. Of course, this would be my luck. I didn't bother looking as Evil Secretary woman walked behind the counter and sat in her chair.
"Hi, Mary. How are you?" So that's her name...
"Good. Except I'm feeling a little shaky today."
"That's horrible!"
I kept my head down as they went on with their morning banter.
"Yeah, of course I forgot to get my tea when I came in... I just know my blood sugar is going to drop..."
"You poor thing! How about I go get you a tea, and you finish filling out this excuse slip for Ms. Nash over here."
"That's so thoughtful. Thank you, Betsy."
"No problem, sweetheart!"
I cursed Betsy for being so goddamn nice.
"That Betsy is so nurturing..." I heard Mary murmur under her breath as she looked over the excuse slip. "So, Ms. Nash, why are you late again?"
"My mom's sick, and I had to help her this morning..."
"Mm-hmm..." She was skeptical. "I thought maybe you were learning your lesson about being late, but I see you haven't."
"I have. It's just-..."
"Your mom's sick. Right. Well, I'm afraid I might have to take this up with Mr. Radditch. This has happened too many times this year. In the meantime, I think a late slip is more appropriate for the situation."
It took every ounce of restraint I had in me to stop me from clawing my way over that counter and gouging her eyes out. This animosity Mary (who will always be Evil Secretary to me...) has towards me is completely ridiculous. It's like she had to pick one student to bully for the entire four years, and she decided that she was going to make the new transfer student her victim.
The bell rang, and I rolled my eyes. "Can I please just have my late slip?"
She gave me a hard look and held it out for me- just enough out of my grasp that I had to practically crawl onto the counter top to reach it. She does this every time.
I gripped the piece of paper in my hand as I stalked towards my second period class. If that bitch even dared to go to Mr. Radditch, well... She better watch out. I threw my bag onto my desk before collapsing into my chair, a scowl on my face.
"Someone as pretty as your shouldn't frown."
I shot Marco a death look and went back to tapping my fingernails against the desk.
"Where were you this morning?"
"Helping out my mom. She has the flu."
"Still? Man, she must really be sick. I missed hanging out with you the rest of break."
"Yeah, well, I couldn't leave her alone." I prayed that Marco would just stop trying to get me to talk.
"Man, someone's in a mood."
"Marco!" I just wanted him to quit harping on me.
"Okay, I'll stop," he surrendered. I gave him a grateful look.
Mr. Harris started class, and I took out my notebook to take down notes.
"El?"
"What?" I whispered harshly.
"I wuv you."
I rolled my eyes and smiled at Marco. "I wuv you, too."
Thank God nobody heard us.
Sean
"The best part was definitely the car chase. I mean, the part where Jasper's car flipped
twice... awesome!" Jay slammed his fist into a locker to emphasize his point (and scaring a group of freshman boys in the process).
"Definitely. What'd you think?" I looked over at Nikki by my side.
She shrugged. "It was okay."
"You didn't like it?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"I just didn't."
"Okay." An awkward pause fell between us. If that had been Ellie she wouldn't have been able to shut up as to why she didn't enjoy the movie. But then she would have been able to find one good thing about it.
"Sean?"
"Huh?" I shook my head and looked at my girlfriend.
"I'm going to, uh, go. I'll talk to you later?"
"Uh, sure..." I watched as she rushed off, her long hair streaming behind her. Whatever connection and comfort I had begun to think I was finding with her was slowly dwindling away. It doesn't help that she acts as if she isn't all there every time we're together.
Oh, well. At least she's still giving me a little attention.
"What's up her ass?" Jay asked.
"What?"
"That girl you're dating. She has something stuck up her ass."
"Just last week you were getting high with that girl I'm dating. Remember?"
"That was last week..."
I chuckled and shut my locker. "Whatever. Oh, hey, there's Ellie. I have to talk to her. See you later."
I practically had to sprint to catch up with Ellie. I threw my arm around her shoulders and gave her a quick hug. "Where've you been?"
"Hmm?" She seemed more than a little out of it.
"I barely talked to you last week. You okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. My mom's been sick so I've been helping her around the house."
"That sucks. If I was sick would you take care of me?"
She gave me a weird look and tossed her bangs out of her eyes. "Anyway... I have to go. Bye."
I watched as she hustled down the hallway towards... wherever she was heading. I can't help but get confused with this hot and cold act she puts on. Either she's avoiding me or stuffing Christmas down my throat. I sighed and headed towards Ms. Kwan's room. Well, if that's the way she wants this to be, fine.
I lay back on my bed, phone in hand, listening to the ringing on the other end. One. Two Three. Four rings.
"Hello?" Her voice was breathless. She must have been busy doing something.
"Hey..."
"Sean, this really isn't a good time. Okay?"
"I just wanted to talk to you."
She hesitated. "I know. I'm sorry. I'm just really busy right now."
I heard a noise on the other side.
"What's that?"
"It's nothing. I have to go. Bye."
I threw the phone across the room after she hung up. So much for this relationship.
Nikki
"Where were we?" I hung the phone up and planted a sloppy kiss on Towerz's lips.
He just moaned in response and ran his rough hands over my bare back. I met his actions eagerly and started grinding my hips against his, hoping he'd get the message as to how far I wanted this to go.
He understood.
I feel bad. I do. But I can't help it either.
Ellie
I slammed down the phone and turned around to help my mom in the kitchen. She stared dumbly at the pile of dishes she had just knocked off the counter. The dishes I had just cleaned. A few of the plates were broken, and all were dirty again.
"I'm sorry, Ellie."
"Mom, it's okay. Really." I tried to calm her down. I could already see the hysterical look appearing on her face. "Don't worry."
"I just ruin everything."
"They're dishes. It'll be okay." I bent over and picked up the dishes that were still intact, setting them in the sink. I'd have to wash them again later. "Could you get me a broom, though?"
"I guess." I watched in amazement as she wondered around the kitchen- actually looking for the broom, which she should know by now is kept in the laundry room. She gave up and, instead, collapsed on the couch in the living room. "I can't find it."
I stepped carefully over the pieces of broken dish and grabbed the broom and dustpan from the laundry room. I crouched down and concentrated on sweeping up all the pieces.
"Ellie, I'm- Damnit!"
"Mom! You know there's broken glass on the floor." I stood up and helped her back over to her- seemingly permanent- spot on the couch and propped her foot up on the coffee table. "I'll get a pair of tweezers."
I ran up the stairs to my parents's bedroom and retrieved the tweezers from my mom's medicine cabinet. I couldn't help but notice the bottle of antidepressants cushioned in between the sleeping and caffeine pills.
The sad thing is I just shut the door and went back downstairs. The sight didn't even faze me one bit.
"This is going to hurt a little, okay?"
She nodded, bracing herself.
I carefully plucked the shard of glass out of the bottom of her foot and set it on the coffee table. "There. Better?"
"Sore," she grumbled.
"Well, next time don't walk barefoot in the kitchen when you know there's broken glass on the floor."
"Sorry," she hissed, turning her face away from me and frowning.
I was fully aware that she was acting like a child. She acts like this every time she's reprimanded or doesn't get her way. My shoulders sagged when I realized she was going to ignore me. I crouched down again on the floor and made sure I had gotten every broken shard.
I cautiously grabbed a bigger piece that had made its way under the table. I heard the sound of my mom bursting into tears, and I flinched. Suddenly I was well aware of what was in my hand. I grasped the shard and felt it's weight. It barely felt like I was holding anything. But, if I actually went through with it, imagine the weight of the consequences. How can something so little and meaningless have so much power over me?
I listened to the sound of my mom sobbing into her pillow, and I felt a wave of pressure crash into me. It'll only be once. Just one more time. And then I'll stop.
God, please, I'm not strong enough.
I braced myself as I pressed the corner of the glass into the inside of my arm, just above the elbow. I was practically salivating, I was craving the rush I would get from doing this. It's funny how something can be so wrong but so right at the same time. My hand shook.
I was doing so well...
I threw the glass back down on the floor and stood up quickly, the blood rushing to my head. No way. There's no way I'm going back to that dark place again. Just... no way.
The phone rang, breaking my thoughts. I robotically walked over to the phone and picked it up. "Hello?"
"Hi, sweetie..."
I slammed the phone down. How dare he even call me? Didn't I tell him that I never wanted to see or hear from him again? How hard is that to understand?
"Who was that?" My mom raised her head off of the pillow and looked at me hopefully.
"Nobody."
I didn't fool her. "You're dad? Did he want to talk to me?"
"Mom..."
I was surprised that she was even able to cry. I would have thought that she had already wasted all her tears. I sat on the floor next to the couch and rubbed her back as she didn't even bother controlling herself.
The sun set, and the sky grew dark. I could hear the wind outside starting to pick up and the sound of the freezing rain hitting the windows. Not once that night did I leave my mom's side. I rested my head against the arm of the couch and read my chapter for AP History and completed my genetics worksheet. Sometime around Midnight I recited my speech for French for my mom. She kept telling me that she was fine- that I could go to bed- that I didn't have to babysit her... But I knew that wasn't an option. My mom has no self-control when it comes to being in pain. She just lets it consume her until she's in too deep to get back out.
The next morning I woke up an hour earlier than usual. I peeled myself off the floor and stumbled up the stairs into the shower. As the hot water ran down my back, I felt the muscles in my neck and shoulders start to ease. The tension of the past week slipped away. I remembered holding the piece of glass to my arm last night and being able to stop myself. I smiled.
"Eleanor!" My mom's strangled voice cut through me like a knife.
I turned off the water and pulled my bathrobe on, not even bothering to dry off a little first.
"What is it?"
My mom leaned against the doorframe to my bedroom. "I was just wondering where you were."
"I'm getting ready for school."
"Oh."
"You okay?"
She didn't respond. She just turned around and walked back down the hallway. I followed her, a little worried by the look on her face.
"Mom, are you okay?"
"What do you think!" She screamed back at me, suddenly angry.
I didn't answer. I didn't know how to answer.
"Do you think I like being left by my husband? Do you think I want to get a divorce? Goddamn it, Eleanor. I'm not fine. I'll never be fine."
"That's not true."
"Yes, it is! I'm- I'm so sick of being here! And God, if I have to hear your voice one more time... The constant harping. All of your questions. 'Are you hungry?' 'Are you okay?' 'Do you want some water?' No, I don't want water! I want a drink!"
"No." I had to stop myself from pinching my arm to make sure this wasn't just some nightmare.
"Yes. I do. I want a drink. Right now."
I shook my head hard. "No. You promised. Mom, you can't drink."
"I'm not strong enough, Ellie."
"Yes, you are! Please!"
I hated the sound of my voice. I hated how scared and childish I sounded. But, damnit, I was scared. I can't go back to the life I used to have when my mom was an alcoholic. I just can't. My mom's eyes softened as I pleaded with her.
She nodded slowly and wrapped her arms around herself. "You're right. I, uh, I think I'm going to get out today. It might be good for me."
I gave a sigh of relief and took a step towards my mom, putting a comforting hand on her arm. "It would be good for you. You could visit your sister. Or go to work for awhile."
"Work. I could go to work. Yes, I'll go to work."
I smiled, tears in my eyes- happy that I was able to convince my mom that she is strong and she can get through this. For once, I felt extremely needed. It was almost as if someone's fate rested entirely in my hands.
I finished getting ready as my mom took her shower and gathered her things for the office. I made her a quick breakfast of a bagel and orange juice and watched as she ate it and thanked me. No problem, I said. I would do anything to make sure she was okay. I went upstairs as she put her coat on. I grabbed my bag and threw it over my shoulders before practically tumbling down the stairs as my body rushed with adrenaline. Adrenaline? Over what? I don't know.
That's when I noticed that my mom had left the house without her briefcase. She never leaves her briefcase behind. It's like her security blanket, her safety net. I knew she'd be pissed if she arrived at the office without it. I grabbed it'd handle and held it up over my head as I closed the door behind me.
"Mom!" I shouted, hoping she'd hear me through the car window.
She glanced at me briefly before driving away.
I'll never forget the look in her eyes. Defeat. Guilt. Shame. All those emotions rolled into one as she looked at me. It was almost as if she was telling me she was sorry for being such a worthless mother. For being so weak.
I knew, right then, from that look that my mom wasn't going to the office.
In a fit of desperation I ran after her car down the driveway. I wanted to see for myself if she turned left or right.
She turned left. Her office is to the right. Her liquor store is to the left.
I almost threw up. I bent over and dry heaved for what seemed like a half hour. I stood back up, tears streaming down my face, and thought about how stupid I probably looked crying and clutching onto my mom's stupid briefcase like some freak. I threw her briefcase at the ground and started walking. Every once in awhile I had to wipe at my face, to make sure there were no stray tears holding on.
I should known. I should have known better than to trust her even after she admitted she wanted a drink just an hour earlier. How fucking naive of me. I just keep believing every shitty lie that comes out of her mouth until it slaps me in the face.
I laughed mirthlessly. I felt like I had been slapped in the face. I guess deep down I had known she wasn't really going to go to the office, that she wouldn't be able to make it through the day without taking a drink. But for some reason I just keep on wanting to believe in her.
It's such a lost cause, though. Nothing I do or say is going to stop her from drinking. If I wasn't enough to keep my dad around, how the hell did I expect myself to be enough to keep my mom from turning to the bottle?
By the time I get to school she'll probably be sitting back at home, nursing a bottle of vodka. Straight. Her favorite.
She might mix in a few shots of tequila to spice things up.
But that's only if she's feeling crazy.
I arrived at school with a content expression on my face. I made small talk with Ashley and Craig. I grinned as Marco told me about the funny movie he and Devon had seen the night before. I even waved at Darcy. To the outsider, I would appear to be having a pretty damn good day.
I stopped in the bathroom after first period. I leaned against the wall as I let out a tired sigh. And then I thought about the scene I would come home to after school. My mom on the couch, empty bottles around her, puke on the floor... She would be wearing her pink bathrobe- one she saves only for these special occasions.
And I would be in my room slicing at my arm.
It's inevitable. I know that much.
I felt a lump rise in my throat. The thought of doing that again made me sick. Especially since I had just been able to stop. The tear started to burn the back of my eyes, and I had to do something to stop them. So I punched the wall. Over and over again until I couldn't even focus anymore on pain that was sitting heavy in my heart or the sickening feeling in my stomach. All I could focus on were my throbbing knuckles.
The bell rang for second period, and I checked the mirror to make sure I looked fairly presentable. A permanent wrinkle was settling in on my forehead, and my shoulders were hunched.
Oh, well.
As I walked towards the classroom a mixture of emotions went through me. Defeat. Guilt. Shame. Worthlessness. Weakness. The same exact emotions I know my mom is feeling right now. And I know I shouldn't be feeling these because it isn't my fault, but I just can't help it. It's like I have a gene inside of me that immediately blames myself for every tragedy in the world.
It's all about control. I like control. I want control. I have control over everything.
Except my mom's drinking.
Yet another chapter!
I hope you enjoy it! I focused mainly on Ellie's POV because the events affected her. Also, I didn't know who I wanted Sean to be calling so I made it so it could have been either Nikki or Ellie.
Next chapter: Ellie will come home to her mom, Sean will make a horrible decision, AND... i don't know.
Tell me your thoughts about the chapter. Did I keep Ellie in character? How am I writing her mom? I'm really concerned about this.
And I would also like to know if there is anything you'd like me to include- more of some character's POV or something mentioned that might have happened earlier in the story and was kind of dropped... I don't know. Anything!
So... as always... SUGGESTIONS... COMMENTS! please!
BlackRoseOnFire- the song if Fix You by Coldplay. Thanks for always reviewing!
Maibe Josie- Thanks for the encouragement! I appreciate you always reviewing!
