Chapter 54: Not Strong Enough to Let You Go
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Regulus' lips pulled into a smirk as a gentle wave of hot air spilled over the back of his neck. Tingles ran down the boy's arms, making each hair stand on end with anticipation. The bed underneath him shifted slightly with another's attempt to get comfortable and soon two arms encircled Regulus' waist from behind. Lips were quick to follow another hot breath that this time landed just below the boy's ear.
"Just what do you think you're doing?" Regulus whispered with a cheeky grin, trying to keep the titillation out of his words. He glanced sideways towards the door of his room and grinned to find that it had been silently pushed closed when he was distracted with his shoelaces.
No answer came to the boy; instead he was met with a several more kisses trailing down his neck and over his shoulder. His instincts bid him to push away and run, but Regulus swallowed down his struggles and leaned back into the embrace of his friend. He raised his hand and brushed the side of his fingers gently over Bartemius' jawline, calling the boy's lips onto his own.
The blonde responded fervently, his mouth moving with a rough abandon over Regulus' as he shifted once more and pushed the older boy to lay on the bed. His hands slid their way over Regulus' chest and under the shoulders of the boy's robes, pulling the heavy fabric back to expose the shirt below. A sinister twinkle graced Bartemius' eyes as Regulus lifted himself enough to allow the robes to be pushed away completely. The darker-haired boy pulled his arms free and raised his hands to cradle the sides of the other's neck while they once again met in a heated kiss.
Bartemius' fingertips trailed their way down Regulus' upper arm and dug into the boy's side, sending an excited shiver through the older boy. "Are you okay?" he whispered, breaking his lips away only to place them on Regulus' neck. "Do I need to stop?" he asked, his words moving hotly across the other boy's skin.
Regulus' first thought was to shout yes, but he wouldn't allow himself to do it. He closed his eyes tightly and took a calming breath, then pulled Bartemius closer. "Please don't," the breathed out, pushing aside thoughts of his painfully racing heart. He opened his eyes and stole another kiss from the other boy, his arms wrapping possessively around the blonde's body.
The room, which was moments before chilled to the point of needing a sweater, now seemed to be raging with heat. Regulus felt his skin prickle and a small trace of sweat start to break free on the base of his neck. Mindlessly, he tore back Bartemius' robes and let them drop onto the bed beside him.
Bartemius pulled away from Regulus' hold and stared down at him. While the boy's lips curved into an eager and confident smile, Regulus could see the nervous way his eyes flickered. The blonde's fear came through in the slight way his hand shook as he dragged it down the other boy's chest and rested it near his belt line. His inexperienced fingers played across the button on Regulus' slacks until the other boy grabbed his hand. Their fingers laced together and Regulus pulled Bartemius back towards him.
"This is enough," he whispered reassuringly as he pushed his fingers through the other boy's straw blonde locks and guided their lips back together. He smirked into their kiss when he spotted Bartemius' hand raise up and repair the miniscule damage that his fingers had done to the boy's hair. "Ponce," he laughed as he reached up and ruffled the back of Bartemius' hair.
"Hey," Bartemius whined, pulling out of Regulus' arms and sitting up on his knees. He dragged his fingers determinedly through his hair, desperate to fix it back into its proper spot. "Way to kill the mood," he muttered at the other boy, feigning a look of utmost disappointment.
"Did I completely kill it?" Regulus asked with a grin as he leaned up and touched his lips to the back of other boy's neck. His fingers trailed languidly down Bartemius' arm.
"Okay, not completely," the boy answered, a laugh lacing his words as he turned back to Regulus and leaned into him. His eyes closed as their lips met in a gentle, almost meaningful way. "I'm scared when I'm with you," he whispered over Regulus' lips.
The older boy pulled back only slightly and rested his hand over Bartemius' neck. "I didn't realize you were scared of me," he whispered back, his words jaded.
"That isn't what I said." Bartemius pushed away from his friend and turned his back to him, letting his feet drag across the floor off the edge of the bed. "I said...I'm scared when I'm with you."
"I don't see the difference."
"Then you're an idiot."
"Don't..." Regulus held up his hand and closed his eyes, fighting to control his temper. He chewed roughly at his bottom lip and clenched his fingers into a fist. "Don't call me that," he hissed.
"Then don't act like one!" Bartemius countered, rounding to face the object of his anger. "I'm scared that one day...this, whatever the hell it is, it won't be enough for me."
"You have Fiona for that," Regulus said quietly.
"That isn't what I mean!"
Regulus' eyes widened at the other boy's tone. He wasn't used to Bartemius being so forceful or loud. "Then you'll have to explain it to me," he snapped, angry once again at his own shortness.
Bartemius put his hands to the side of his head and appeared lost in his thoughts for a moment. "We can't...be together. Not really be together. And it isn't about blood or family and it...it isn't fair," he finished, his words no more than a whisper. "I get scared when I'm with you because -" The boy stared down into his lap and chewed at his fingernails.
"Stop that," Regulus muttered, pushing the boy's hand from his mouth. "I want you to listen to me. You're right, completely. This thing between us, it's always going to be hidden and taboo and...and wrong. There's just not any getting around that. I mean, short of running off to Cambodia and farming rice for the rest of our lives, we just don't have a real future," he mused, trying to make light of a tense discussion. "And as much as I enjoy rice I -"
"Don't patronize me, Regulus," Bartemius snapped as he jumped to his feet and glared back at the other boy. "It's bad enough that you confuse me and -"
"I confuse you?"
"Yes. Yes you do. You confuse the hell out of me and I hate it." Bartemius turned back to the other boy and grabbed onto his shoulders. "I'm not supposed to want you," he whispered. "I'm not supposed to...need you. But I do." He let his hands trail over the boy's chest and wound one into Regulus' tie. "And it isn't fair that you don't want me the same way."
"I want you," Regulus argued as he reached out and snaked his arms around the blonde's waist. "I do," he insisted. "Look, just look at me, right now. I can't keep my bloody hands off you and that's saying something considering...my problem. You're worth feeling like hell for."
"That didn't sound as nice as you think it did," the other boy said, though he did flash a small smile. He stared down into the empty grey of Regulus' eyes and sighed. "I really like her," he said though his dry, uncommitted tone negated his very words.
Regulus grinned slightly and pulled Bartemius closer to him. "You're allowed to like two people at the same time," he said. He lowered himself to sit right on the bed and tugged the blonde closer still. He laid his head over against the boy's abdomen, closed his eyes and breathed in the citrus and spice combination of the boy's cologne. "This isn't going to last though."
"I know." Bartemius' fingertips weaved their way through Regulus' hair, rubbing roughly against his scalp and pulling soft sighs of pleasure and contentment from the boy. "I want to be a Death Eater," he said. He'd said it many times before, so his simple words came as no surprise to the other boy. "Do you want me to be one?" he asked.
Regulus looked up at the other boy with wide eyes. It'd been the first time Bartemius asked his opinion on the matter. He swallowed hard and fought to steady his racing heart. "No," he breathed out after far too long. His sought the other boy's deep brown eyes and grabbed onto his sweater, pulling him down onto his knees so that they were on an even keel. "I...I don't want you to go through what I did."
"I'm strong enough."
"That isn't the point." Regulus struggled with what to say, his mouth letting him down each time and forcing his prolonged silence. He rubbed his hands over the other boy's shoulders, chest, neck and through his hair, despite the protests. With each pass, his touch grew more firm until he was digging his fingertips deeply into the boy's arms and pulling him back onto the bed.
"Regulus," Bartemius whispered as the dark-haired boy pulled his shirt free from being tucked into his slacks. "Do you love me?"
"No." He didn't bother trying to be kind with his answer, it would merely serve to confuse the other boy more. He pushed Bartemius' sweater and shirt up to expose his stomach and trailed a line of lingering kisses over the warm skin.
"Do I love you?"
"No," Regulus repeated as he continued to pour his affection over the boy.
Bartemius' fingers tightened around the other boy's hair and gave a tug to draw his attention. "Then what the hell is this?" he demanded.
The other boy merely shook his head. "I don't know," he answered. "Wouldn't it be easy if I could tell you that it's love?" He turned his gaze back onto the boy's stomach and brushed his lips softly over the skin, not kissing, merely grazing.
"Lust?" came a defeated whisper.
"No. No, lust is too...too powerful." His fingers brushed over the boy's sides and dipped into the top of his waist band. "I could walk away if I wanted to. If I was told to; I could get up and never look back. I don't..." He sighed, not sure how to phrase himself. "I don't need you."
Bartemius pushed himself up, not looking directly at Regulus' face. "I need you," he grumbled.
"I shouldn't have let it get this far," Regulus whispered, grabbing for his robes.
"Wait, Regulus don't," the boy begged, grabbing wildly for the other boy's arm. "Don't say that. Just don't. You can't just say that."
"I have to. This needs to stop. You're getting too involved, you're getting too...too..."
"Too what? Too invested; too deep; what?" The blonde chased Regulus to the door and spun him around, stepping into him until he was backed against the wall. "I'm not strong enough to let you go."
Regulus laid his hands on Bartemius' neck and brought their foreheads together. He felt the other boy's breathing even out and his grip loosen off his arms. "I'll be strong enough for both of us," he said. "It was never a matter of if, Barty, it was always when. You knew this couldn't keep on. I'm sorry. I...I didn't want you to get hurt in all this."
"Then don't hurt me," the boy pushed out through his teeth.
"You're not giving me a choice."
A Note From the Author: Never felt so bad for a future murderer before. :( Anyways, not a lot of plot in this one; but I figured it had been a while since there was some action in the story. Hope you enjoyed it either way. Don't forget to leave me some thoughts and thank you for reading! :D –Jenna
