A/N Wow, I'm impressed at the feedback for the last chapter! Thank you all so much! I'm in this constant state of anxiety (I really need to get back on my meds), so when I see people reading and commenting on my story it makes me feel really wonderful. As I've said and will continue to say, the four hours I spend writing this each week are by far my favorite. Thank you. R/R, and enjoy!
Ryan and Marissa spent the next few hours walking and talking about everything and nothing. Marissa told him about the school year ending and all the little stories she hadn't been able to email him. Ryan told her about all the cities he had visited and the people he'd met. She hung onto every word, fascinated with this whole experience he'd had without her. He very rarely told her about details, and now she made him tell her every single one.
When Ryan looked at her, he sometimes lost every thought. He loved to listen to her talking, loved the way her eyes lit up and she used her hands to explain herself. He loved how animated she became. He didn't always focus on what she was saying, just how she was saying it. He'd been so stupid for giving all of this up. For leaving for six months. Then again, maybe he could appreciate her more now. Maybe he had to lose her to ever know how lucky he was for having her in the first place.
Marissa, meanwhile, had similar feelings as Ryan talked. He wasn't animated. He didn't use his hands when he talked, and he didn't use all that many words. But when he talked, something happened to his eyes that took her breath away. Maybe it was the way he looked at her – the way he'd always looked at her. But there was something else too, something different in the way he gazed at her today. Sadness, an appreciation – she couldn't decide which.
At about three Marissa's phone started ringing, breaking the spell between them. For the past four hours they had forgotten about the outside world. About their friends and family. Marissa reached into her purse, biting her lip in disappointment. "Hey, Sum."
"Coop, where have you been? We were supposed to meet at the church half an hour ago." Summer sounded worried and flustered, obviously thinking something had happened.
"Oh my god, was that today?" Marissa groaned, rubbing her face tiredly. "Sorry, I've been with Ryan. We totally lost track of – "
"Wait, you're with Atwood?!"
Marissa blinked a few times, then realized that no one probably knew about Ryan's return. "Oh… Yeah, he came into town this morning."
"And you've been just hanging out the whole day?" Summer asked, raising her eyebrows. Ryan was back. Things were about to get interesting.
"Yeah. For the past few hours." Marissa ran a hand through her hair, keeping it still in the breeze. "Here, I'll drive to the church now. I'll be there in like twenty minutes."
"Okay. See you then. I'll try to amuse myself in the meantime…"
Marissa rolled her eyes and laughed, ending the call. She lifted her eyes to see Ryan watching her with that unreadable expression of his. "That was Summer. I was supposed to meet her like half an hour ago at the church but completely forgot…" She looked at the time. "I can't believe it's already three."
He looked up and their eyes met. He knew he should look away, should do everything in his power to kill this unbelievable connection between them, but he couldn't. He couldn't be the one to look away first. He wouldn't. "Time always did pass faster when we were together," he murmured.
Marissa looked away, trying to ignore the way her blood seemed to rush so much faster when he was near. Even now. Especially now. "Yeah."
Ryan smiled at the way her cheeks filled with color. "Do you have to go?"
"Yeah. I told her I would go meet her…" The thought of leaving Ryan made her feel sick. She had just gotten him back. She couldn't say goodbye to him already, even if it was only for a few hours. She had spent the past six months without him. "Do you want to come?"
He raised his eyebrows. "Is that…okay?"
Marissa bit her lip, shrugging and nodding at the same time. "Yeah. I mean… is it going to be weird?"
"No weirder than watching you get married," he said, offering a forced half smile.
She didn't know why, but for some reason that really made something twist inside her chest. "Right. Um… if you don't want to…"
"No, I'll go." He smiled, this time genuinely, though soft. "If you want."
"I do." She didn't even have to think about it. At his own relaxed smile, she felt the tension leave.
"Come on." He wrapped an arm around her shoulder, steering her in the direction of the parking lot. "You can drive. I think I've driven enough for a while."
She smiled, her heart swelling and body tingling at his touch. "So I don't have to worry about you driving off anytime soon?"
He squeezed her shoulders gently. "Definitely not."
XXXXX
When they reached the church, they found Summer sitting out front on the steps. Ryan and Marissa climbed out of the car and she stood, placing her hands on her hips. "Thank God. I was so bored."
"What are you doing sitting out here? You could've sat inside," Marissa said, reaching Summer first. Ryan was a little wary of hanging out with Summer. Things between them had been hesitant at best after the day she called him out about his breakup with Marissa.
"I got bored! There are only so many things to do in a church." She looked over at Ryan now, who had come up behind Marissa. "Atwood, I see you've embraced the almost-caveman look."
He once again ran his hand over his scruff. "Okay, shaving tonight."
Marissa merely smiled, turning to look at him, her eyes sparkling in a way Summer hadn't seen in six months. "Come on, let's go check this place out."
They walked inside together, Ryan and Marissa standing a little closer to each other, which Summer also noticed. While they were walking down the aisle, she said, "You know, I think the last time I saw you was that morning I caught you at Marissa's apartment. Remember? Back when you two were having sex and not telling anyone."
Marissa's eyes widened, as did Ryan's. "Summer," she admonished, looking around the church like she was afraid lightening would shrike them.
Summer merely smirked. "What?"
"Maybe we don't discuss my sex life inside a church," Marissa said quietly, giving Summer a look.
Summer merely pointed up. "Oh, I'm sure the big guy knows all about your little romps in the sack."
Ryan stared between the two of them, not knowing what to say. Marissa just glared at Summer. "Anyway…"
At that moment, a dark haired guy with warm brown eyes walked toward them. "Hi. You must be Marissa," he said, smiling in Marissa's direction. "I could tell from Andrew's description. Tall and strikingly beautiful."
Marissa blushed and Ryan looked down, folding his arm's over his chest. Summer took note of this. "Yeah, I'm Marissa. You must be Pastor Williams."
"Please, call me Emmett." He gestured toward the church. "What do you think?"
"I think it's beautiful," Marissa said honestly, observing the building. It wasn't overly large, but it was a good enough size for the guests. Even without lots of lights, the room was flooded with natural light from the various windows. The pews were wooden with intricate designs. Overall, Marissa thought it was a nice place to get married.
"I'm glad. I'll give you a tour of our preparation rooms, too." He glanced between Ryan and Summer now, smiling. "I met Summer a few minutes ago, but I don't believe I know you."
"Ryan Atwood," Ryan said, smiling briefly. He was beginning to feel a little breathless standing here in the building Marissa would promise her life to someone else.
"Well, it's nice to meet you, Ryan. Are you a friend of the bride or the groom?"
"The bride." Ryan nearly choked on the word. He cleared his throat, pretending like something had gotten stuck in his throat when really he just couldn't say the word. How was he going to deal with the wedding? How was he going to watch Marissa be someone else's bride?
Marissa slightly furrowed her eyebrows at Ryan, but figured it was nothing. Summer, however, carefully studied Ryan. Emmett turned back to Marissa. "Well, we can get the tour started. I showed the place to Andrew a few weeks ago and he seemed to really enjoy it." They started walking forward, but Ryan couldn't move his feet. He could barely breathe. He tried his best, but he kept blinking and seeing Marissa walking down the aisle to Andrew, that wonderful smile on her face. The more he saw it, the less he could breathe, to the point that he thought he would pass out from lack of air. "Like I told him, if there's a problem with your pastor that is flying in, either myself or our other pastor could perform the service."
"I'll let you know." Marissa realized that Ryan wasn't beside her and turned to see him still standing in the same spot, arms folded across his chest. He looked pale. She immediately stopped. "Ryan? Are you okay?"
Ryan blinked, clearing the image of Marissa from his brain. "Yeah. I just think… I need to get some fresh air…"
She momentarily forgot about Emmett. "I'll come with you. Is it Henry? Are you remembering…?"
He blinked again, then slowly nodded. That was a good excuse. "Yeah. Just… remembering… the funeral." He gestured for her to continue. "You go ahead. I'll just wait outside."
Marissa stared at him long and hard, trying to gauge the situation. "Are you sure?"
He nodded. "Yeah. I just.. need air." He offered a weak smile, one that didn't reach his eyes.
"Um. Okay, I guess." Marissa turned back to Summer and Emmett, who both watched her curiously. "You were saying?"
Emmett started talking again, and Ryan quickly went outside, the sun blinding him. Slowly, he lowered himself down onto steps, taking in a huge gulp of air. He stared at his boots until his breathing was better again. He didn't know how long this took – five, ten, twenty minutes? It didn't matter.
He heard the door open and figured it was Marissa coming to check on him. "Sorry. I just… guess I had a flashback, or something."
Surprising him, Summer was the one to speak. "That's a load of crap if I ever saw any."
He turned and saw Summer staring at him, shielding her eyes from the sun. "Summer. I wasn't expecting you."
She shrugged, sitting on the step next to him. "Marissa wanted to come, but I insisted."
He gave her a confused look. "But you hate me."
She actually smiled at that. "I don't hate you. I never hated you." She shrugged, looking out at the road. "You just hurt my best friend. I take that personally."
Ryan nodded, sighing and looking down at his hands. "Yeah. I did hurt her. Badly."
"And then you drove away."
He nodded, pursing his lips. "Yeah." They both remained silent for a while, thinking of the past six months. Summer thought about Marissa's relationship with Andrew, how he made her not so broken. Ryan thought about how he'd slowly mended himself, though it happened too late. "At least she's happy now," he said quietly, as much as it killed him. And Summer could heard it was killing him. This whole thing was killing him. He still loved her. It was written all over his face, in the way he held himself, in the way he looked at Marissa.
"Not as happy as she could be," Summer said, just as quietly.
Ryan glanced her way. "What are you talking about?"
"Tell her to call off the wedding," Summer said, staring Ryan straight in the eye.
If Summer had shocked him before, she dumbfounded him now. "What?"
Summer turned so she was facing him. "I said – tell her to call off the wedding."
Ryan quirked an eyebrow, figuring she was joking with him or something, though it wasn't really funny. "Summer…"
"No, listen to me. Before Marissa comes out here." She glanced at the door, then back at him. "Marissa and Andrew? Good together. They're cute. They make each other happy. I think that she needed Andrew, and he needed her. He is quirky and funny and sweet and he always puts her first, no matter what."
Ryan flexed the muscle in his jaw, looking out at the road, his entire body tensing as he heard of how great Andrew was yet again. "I know."
"No, you don't." He didn't look back her way, but she continued anyway. "Andrew and Marissa were good for a while. I think she really does care for him." Ryan sighed, clenching his fists, which Summer noticed. "But she doesn't love him, Ryan. Not the way she loves you."
Ryan glanced Summer's way again, completely serious. "She loves Andrew. She told me."
"Maybe she does love Andrew. But she isn't in love with him." She stared at him. "Not the way she's in love with you."
Ryan shook his head, not believing her. "If she loved me she wouldn't be marrying another guy. She wouldn't have said yes. She wouldn't be in there right now looking around." He stood, needing to move, needing to pace. "She wouldn't have ever started dating him. She wouldn't have slept with him."
Summer winced for him. "She told you about that?"
Ryan briefly glanced her way, then looked down at the ground again. "I asked her."
"Jeez, Atwood."
"Yeah, well." He saw a small rock and kicked it, sending it flying toward the road. "She's over me. She's moved on. She told me."
"She thinks she has. She convinced herself she is because she though that's what you wanted from her."
"Well she didn't have to do it!" He raised his voice, blinking quickly. "She didn't have to actually listen to me!" He stopped, running his hand over his face, scratching at his scruff. He lowered his voice. "But she did. She made a choice, and she chose to move on. Now I just have to let her." He closed his eyes, trying to calm himself. "As much as it kills me, I have to let her."
"Why? Why do you have to let her move on? What does this prove?" Summer didn't understand. She knew Ryan loved Marissa and she knew that Marissa loved Ryan. What more was there?
"It's not about proving anything." He looked at Summer, and she saw the pain in his eyes. In all the time she'd spent with him, he'd never spoken so honestly with her. He'd never shown this side of himself. Sure, he'd come to her for help with Marissa, but he'd never looked so vulnerable before. "It's about letting Marissa be happy. If that's with Andrew, then I just need to stand aside and forget the rest. I've hurt her too many times before. I've screwed everything up. If this is what she needs, then so be it."
Ryan turned and looked at the blue sky. He'd missed California. He'd missed home. But he realized that nothing was ever going to be the same again, and he couldn't do anything about it. Even if he could, he wouldn't. He'd been selfish with Marissa for far too long now, and he would not be selfish now. This was too important. She was too important.
He would put a smile on his face. He would help her set up for her wedding. He would watch her get married. He would watch her live her life with someone else, would watch her grow old with Andrew. It might hurt him, it might kill him, but he would do it because she deserved the entire world. Now, maybe, he could give it to her.
Summer came up behind Ryan and gently placed her hand on his back, rubbing soothingly. "I've never seen her happier than when she's with you," she said quietly. Ryan glanced her way, then looked down. "You change her. You make her better, and she makes you better. Separate, you are two great people." He gave her a look, raising his eyebrows, which made her laugh. "Yes, I'm calling you a great person. Don't get used to it." She grew serious again. "But together? You're incredible. Everyone knows it."
Ryan flexed that muscle in his jaw again, softly saying, "She said yes to another guy. She wants to marry him. I won't stand in the way of that."
Summer angled her head at him. "If you didn't come back to stop the wedding, why did you come back? Why put yourself through all of this? You're miserable, and it hasn't even been twelve hours."
Ryan took a deep breath, then released it slowly, pondering this. After a minute, he shrugged. "She asked me to come. I couldn't say no. She said she needed me here. Nothing else mattered."
She stared at him, shaking her head in amazement. "You really do love her."
It was a statement. Both knew it. Ryan turned to her and smiled sadly. "I always have."
She rubbed his arm sympathetically. "I'm rooting for you, you know."
He laughed, shaking his head. "Why me? Andrew's perfect. He's always been perfect."
Summer nodded. "You're right. Andrew is perfect." She shrugged. "But Marissa doesn't need perfect. She needs you."
Ryan swallowed hard, looking down. They both heard the church doors open. Marissa walked toward them, looking at Ryan worriedly. "Hey. Sorry it took so long. Are you okay?"
Ryan glanced at Summer, and she gave him a sympathetic look. "Yeah, I'm fine. Guess it all just got to be too much."
Marissa looked between Ryan and Summer, raising her eyebrows. "You're both acting weird."
Ryan looked at Marissa and said, "Well, yeah. Summer was so worried about me she called me Ryan. It's weird."
Summer laughed, then so did Marissa. "And I missed it? That's a once in a lifetime thing."
Summer shrugged. "Sorry, Coop. Had to be here." She looked between the two, her eyes lingering on Ryan, telling him with just a look to think about what she said. "Well, I'll let you two go. I'm going to freshen up and make sure Cohen wears something decent for dinner." She looked at Marissa now. "I'll see you in a few hours, okay?"
Marissa nodded, and then Summer left. She turned to Ryan, studying him closely. He raised his eyebrows at her, slightly smirking. "What?"
She stared at him seriously. "Are you really okay? You worried me."
He swallowed hard, wondering how he was possibly going to get through this week or any that followed. "Yeah. I'm fine now. Just… haven't been inside a church in a while, I guess."
She reached out and laced their fingers together, squeezing his hand reassuringly. "If you need to talk about him – Henry – I'm here, okay? I know we never really did it before."
"At least not while I was sober," he joked, though it wasn't all that funny.
She nodded, still staring at him seriously. He'd scared her inside. He'd been so pale and it had taken every ounce of restraint she had not to run out and comfort him. "Seriously, though, Ryan. If you need to.."
"You would be the first person I turn to," he said honestly, squeezing her hand, staring at her with that same unreadable expression he'd somehow mastered.
She nodded, finally looking down. "Come on, let's get you back to your car."
He moved to pull his hand away, but she didn't let go. He smiled, though sadly, and they walked back to her car. "Did you like the church?" he asked as she drove back to his car.
She shrugged, nodding. "Yeah. It's a pretty place."
"You deserve a pretty place," he said quietly, not looking at her. She didn't look his way, knowing if she did she wouldn't be able to focus on the road anymore. Or focus on anything but his deep blue eyes.
"Thank you," she said quietly. When he wasn't looking, she glanced his way. "What about you? Any girls you meet on the road?"
He actually laughed at that. "I can barely take care of myself right now. So not ready to think about getting into a relationship with someone new."
"Someday you're going to meet a girl and fall madly in love and get married and have a million kids," she said matter of factly.
"A million seems a bit excessive," he said, smiling, though again it hurt.
She laughed, trying to hide the deep pit in her stomach at the thought of Ryan being with anyone else. She was getting married though. Of course he would do the same. "Okay, only a hundred then."
He laughed again, which made her smile. It felt so good to have him here laughing with her again. Even before he'd left, he rarely laughed anymore. He'd always been so sad. So reserved. "Maybe when I meet the right girl," he said, though it pained him. He'd already met the right girl. It was hard to imagine anyone else ever coming close.
They reached his car, and she parked next to him, biting her lip. She didn't want to say goodbye to him. It had somehow become impossible to think about letting him go again. She didn't know how she'd gone six months without him. When was the last time she felt this happy? Andrew made her happy, too, but it wasn't like Ryan. Ryan was her best friend. It would always be different with him.
"I guess I should go, then," he said after a long minute of silence. He also didn't want to say goodbye, but she had a lot to do. He knew this. She had a whole life without him now, and he had to let her get back to it.
Except, she didn't want to. "You should come to dinner at my parents' place tonight," she said quickly, not wanting him to leave. "It's in like an hour. Mostly everyone is flying in tonight, so we're having a huge dinner thing there. Mom, dad, Andrew, his family, Jess, the girls… Summer and Seth will even be there. You should come too." She bit her lip. "If you want."
He thought about sitting through a dinner watching Marissa and Andrew surrounded by both of their families. He didn't belong there. He didn't belong much of anywhere in her life anymore. "Do you want me to come?" he asked carefully, because that's what mattered, wasn't it? If she wanted him to, he would go to the moon for her.
She nodded, looking at him seriously. "Yeah. I do." He met her gaze and saw a vulnerability she very rarely showed. Few people knew this about Marissa Cooper, but she was as afraid of people leaving her as he was.
He wouldn't leave her. Not ever again. "Then I'll see you in an hour," he said, smiling softly, hoping it reached his eyes.
She grinned broadly. "Okay. See you then."
Sometimes, when she smiled at him like that, he thought all this pain was worth it.
XXXXX
So, we get to meet Jess next chapter. And Ryan gets to see Marissa's parents again for the first time since he just left their daughter to travel the road. It's going to be interesting. I'm going to tell you right now that I am going to try to post next Friday as usual, but it's going to be a really busy weekend as far as school goes, so I can't make any promises. But, I shall do my best to post.
Individual Replies:
I Love Rissa: I had been writing longer chapters than usual. This one is longer again. And I think the next should be longer still.
xoElle23: I don't think you understand how much I am looking forward to Jess. Because, like you said, it's going to be great hearing her side of things. I can't wait.
Sailaway: He had to say it though. It's kind of his way of trying to let her go.
Guest: Aw, thank you so much.
Guest: Andrew is pretty awesome.
Nadine: I'm glad to hear you're doing better. I kind of freaked when you mentioned hospital. I care for all my readers' well being!
Sara: That is true love. Haha, Ryan stopping the wedding. Oh, who will stop the wedding.
Skillz37: Haha, definitely not only Ryan and Marissa who could potentially stop the wedding or who would want to stop the wedding. You were introduced to another one in this chapter. And there are more to come.
Guest: The interactions are just gonna get better and better.
Isabella: I absolutely adore Marissa. Obviously. Lol. I was originally going to have Ryan kind of threatening Andrew and then him stepping back and shaking Andrew's hand, but then I realized that didn't show as much of the development in his character as I wanted.
Jen: You just have to wait :)
Fatedtopretendd: Thanks!
Riss: I'm going to text you as soon as I post this time. I feel like writing a girl for Ryan when the remaining time in the story is only a week just isn't worth it.
