A/N: I promise I haven't forgotten about this and I apologize for my ridiculous time between posting. I swear I had half of this written, and then my life got crazy.
Not too proud of the beginning of the second half of this chapter. I don't know that much about competing in a kendo competition so, don't hate me for my lack of details in there.
This chapter is a bit longer than normal so hopefully that will make up for the shit competition and being extremely late. :)
When Sanji arrived home after his trip to see the moss, he wasn't sure how he was supposed to feel.
Zoro really freaked him out. It was weird seeing him so perfectly content like that. Sanji had never seen him act like that before, and to realize what had made him feel like that… Sanji himself had never been able to make the man feel that way and he was supposed to be everything to Zoro. He had been there for everything; he had done everything he could to make the other man happy or at least comfortable in his own skin as much as possible while he was struggling with his internal battle. But finally being able to comprehend just how much Zoro is not right in the head really made him wonder if he had even done the right thing in staying by him for so long.
Was everything he had tried to do been for nothing?
Is Zoro too far gone for anything Sanji had done to have had any effect?
The entire trip home, Sanji couldn't help but think about how disappointed in Zoro he was. The man had been agonizing over the thoughts that plagued him, but in the end he succumbed to them. And he let himself enjoy it.
He can still recall the look on his face, and the contentment in his eye when he walked through the door. He was like a completely different person. And it wasn't the Zoro he knew.
The Zoro he knew didn't want to kill. He didn't want to feel whatever disgusting thing it is he feels post kill, and Sanji can clearly see why now; it's not right. The last night he saw Zoro before he left, he had come to him in desperation because he did not want to do anything brash, he did not want to follow through on his unrelenting desire to off his father. He had practically begged for Sanji to tell him not to, and this was after he had ended things with the blonde.
Sanji can't help but wonder what happened for that to change?
He knows it has to have been seeing his father, but at the same time, how was that different than the last time? He had seen him then too. Was Sanji the only thing keeping Zoro from doing any of that?
He really should have asked Zoro more about that encounter; what had happened, what had been said. Maybe it could have helped him understand more. Maybe Sanji just can't understand Zoro the way he thought he could.
But thinking like that only makes Sanji feel shattered. He wants to be able to understand the moss, he wants to be with him, he wants him to be alright. Despite everything that Sanji had said, he does want to be with him, and he misses him desperately. He has since the moment the moss left his home on that last day they spent together.
Sanji thinks about the things he had said to him on their last meeting. He will admit that it was a bit unfair of him to be so thoroughly upset by only this one incident rather than any of the other things Zoro had done, but truthfully, this isn't the only thing that has ever gotten to him. He had nearly left Zoro for good after he killed just about everyone at the organization headquarters and Sanji had come to the realization that Zoro really fucking enjoyed the kill. He had gotten tremendously frustrated with the man's drinking habit and had many passing thoughts that he couldn't deal with it any longer, but was never able to follow the thought through to fruition. Every time Zoro had talked about killing someone, or reminded Sanji that he had experience taking a life, it always unnerved him. But he had stayed. And honestly he had thought if he could make it through all of that, he would be able to stay with the idiot forever.
But that was just the last straw.
The fact that Zoro had so obstinately spoken of his distaste for that lingering feeling after slaughtering another human yet still gave into it just pushed Sanji over the edge. If he is unable to deny himself of that, even for the reasons he stated, what else is he going to stop rejecting?
Sanji knows that if he were to take Zoro back now, he would not see him the same way. It will take some time for the discomfort at seeing Zoro in that light to dissipate. As much as he wishes the moss would just come home already, he is thankful that there is a great distance between them so Sanji can figure out a way to get past this. If he can.
He's been in such distress ever since he arrived home. He's caught between wanting the bastard so badly it hurts, and wishing he had never gotten himself mixed up with this disconcerting mess of a man. The back and forth in his head is driving him crazy and he's pretty sure that he's worse now than he was when Zoro had first left. He had been torn apart that the moss had left him, that he didn't know when or if he would ever even see him again, but now he's torn apart because he doesn't know if he wants to see him again. But he does want to. Should he want to?
He is extraordinarily confused about how he should feel towards the marimo. Will he be able to accept him again if he comes back? Sanji is fairly certain he is able to understand why Zoro thought that his reasoning behind what he did was ok, that allowing himself the freedom to feel something so natural to him after doing something so terrible but liberating was perfectly rational. But Sanji is also aware that Zoro is unable to see why Sanji sees it as wrong. If he is unable to understand that, then can Sanji really accept him the way he had before if he knows Zoro's morals are so skewed?
Now that he's said what he had to Zoro, that he's not sure that he would be comfortable being with him again, at least right now, will Zoro come back? Does he have a reason to? There is no one waiting here for him anymore. Sanji had made that clear when he had walked out on him. He had even called the man insane. Usually he would use that as a joke, but there was no jest in his words then.
His friends are still here, but he has even slowly been keeping less and less contact with them. Not that he had been keeping up with them much anyways. The big stupid idiot is making everyone crazy. They're all worried about him. And there's nothing they can even do. Sanji just has to reassure them that the marimo will be fine on his own. He's found a friend who he claims is helping him, though Sanji really isn't sure how true that is. He is still fairly concerned for Perona's well being while living with Zoro. Sanji realizes he could always make contact with Perona to ask about Zoro's progress, or what has been going on with him, but he doesn't want to seem like he's checking up on him. If word got back to Zoro about his questioning Perona, he knows Zoro would take that the wrong way. Especially after what had been said between them. So he holds himself back from contacting her.
He's sure one day he'll be able to get past all of this if he truly loves the man, but for now he thinks it's probably better that he keeps Zoro at arm's length. Especially when he decides to show up again.
"Sanji."
The cook feels a touch to his thigh and glances to his left to find Luffy's finger poking him and his face pinched in confusion. Sanji shakes off his thoughts and sits up straighter. "What's up?"
"Where do you go when do you that?"
"What do you mean?"
Luffy cocks his head to the side and just stares at him for a few breaths. "You just kind of… turn off for a while lately."
Sanji sighs and rubs a hand through his hair. "Sorry, didn't even realize I was doing it." He really had been lost in his thoughts hadn't he?
If he isn't at work, he tries to surround himself with his friends. They can keep his mind off everything if he is able to stay in the moment. But clearly he hasn't been doing the best at that, and the others are noticing. Tonight they've all gathered at Usopp's new place. Sanji is supposed to be preparing dinner for everyone since they're celebrating Usopp's move, but he's taking a while getting to it. That's probably why Luffy interrupted his thoughts. He's a bit thankful that happened.
He sighs lightly and pushes himself off the couch and heads into the kitchen. Cooking will hopefully keep his mind off the marimo. It's been his go to for relief from the moss man ever since Zoro left. It's something he's good at, and he doesn't have to think about how he failed Zoro when he's creating something beautiful and delicious for others to enjoy. Preparing food is something he most definitely will not fail at.
He hears the kitchen door open as he digs through the refrigerator and expects to be bombarded with questions regarding when the food will be ready, so he quickly throws out, "I just started, it won't be ready for a bit."
When he doesn't receive a response he slowly turns his head to glance around the kitchen. He half expected to see no one in there with him, but he was surprised to see Nami sitting on the counter top across from him. Normally he would probably yell at whoever was on the counter to get down since he's cooking and who knows what they've sat in recently, but Nami can always do as she pleases. And Sanji highly doubts she would have sat on anything unsavory in her entire life.
She throws a smile at him while swinging her legs back and forth. Then she uncharacteristically averts her eyes and adopts a shy demeanor. Sanji quickly closes the fridge door and turns completely to her. He has half a mind to ask if she wants a snack, but he has a feeling that is not what she needs right now. He slowly makes his way towards her, almost cautiously. He's never seen her act like this before and he is slightly concerned. The only times anything seems to really get to her is when -
"How was he?"
When she's thinking about Zoro. Sanji hasn't talked about his latest encounter with Zoro to anyone. It's been a few weeks, and although everyone is aware that he went to see the marimo and that he is alive and unharmed from his accident, they don't know details beyond that. Sanji doesn't really want to talk about all of that. He doesn't want to lie to Nami though.
Well, he can leave out the angry sex and the uncomfortable first meeting that he had with Zoro.
"He… I think he's doing ok. I think he's a little bit confused about somethings right now. I don't think he's any worse, though." Sanji places a light hand to her arm in comfort. Nami was Zoro's closest friend. Sanji is certain that all of this is hitting her almost as hard a it is him. Which is why he doesn't really want to tell her about Zoro's most recent kill. She already knows enough about him, she can be left in the dark about this one thing. It'll only make her more distraught.
"Did he say when he'll be back? I'd really like to talk to him. I never got to talk to him after you told me about everything. I really feel like I should. I don't want him to have the wrong idea of what I think about him now. And he doesn't seem like he wants to talk through texts and he never answers calls." She hangs her head a bit while fidgeting with her nails.
"You know how he is. His phone is more of an inconvenience than a communication tool. But, uh, he didn't say when he'd be back. I don't think he knows. I don't if it'll be anytime soon though. We, uh, kind of a had a bad fight before I left. I have a feeling he's not going to want to risk coming here for a while in case he sees me. And I really think he still has a long way to go before he's where he wants to be mentally. I know for a fact he doesn't want to come back before that happens."
She looks up at him. "That could take years with he amount of issues he has." Sanji nods solemnly. Zoro had told him as much. He didn't want to believe it, but he is well aware it could take Zoro quite a while to make himself feel right. Nami sighs and her expression becomes more concerned. "Please tell me you guys didn't get into a fight like the last one."
Sanji quickly shakes his head. "No. It was nothing like that. It was more of a very angry disagreement I guess. The most damage was done to Zoro's bottle of whiskey he had waving around."
"So he's still drinking then?"
This time Sanji nods. "You should have seen the amount he put into his coffee. I don't even think it would be considered coffee by most people."
She smiles sorrowfully. "He always has loved his alcohol." Nami leans forward a but more and leans her head on Sanji's shoulder. He doesn't even have to fight the glee he normally feels when a woman voluntarily touches him, the touch has more of a sobering affect to the situation. He really isn't the only one suffering from all of this.
He has an overwhelming need to reassure her. He needs to make this better as much as he can. There's no reason anyone else has to be a part of Zoro's path of emotional destruction. Maybe they can work together to pick up the pieces of themselves and pretend everything is fine. Because it will be. He's been telling Zoro that as long as he's known him and he knows it's true. It will be ok.
"He'll be back. He promised me he would come back. He's not someone to break a promise. And he will definitely come back better than he left. I know that for sure. Everything will be ok. He'll be ok. I know it."
She lets out a deep breath after a few moments and sits up. "Thank you, Sanji." He backs up a few steps and she hops down from the counter. "I should really let you get back to cooking, I know the boys are going to be busting down the door soon if it isn't ready." She flashes him her usual smile and rolls her eyes as she heads to the door and disappears through the other side.
-:-
He takes a deep breath as he waits for the signal to begin. He adjusts his grip slightly on the hilt of the shinai as he clears his mind.
He is not going to lose control. He will keep it together, and he will win. There's no way he will lose.
Zoro has a few fights before the elimination round starts and this is his third. So far it's been good. He's been able to keep everything in control, and he's won against both of his first opponents. He knows it's only going to get harder from here as the competition becomes more difficult and he's going to have to fight harder. As long as he has time between his fights to find his calm again everything will be fine.
The round starts and he hardly focuses on his opponent; he's mostly concerned with not lashing out unnecessarily. The fight goes by in a blur and he's only aware it's over when he's announced the winner. He looks over at his opponent and feels a surge of pride in himself. He hasn't lost a single match yet. He quickly smashes down the feeling though, he has a long way to go before he can rightfully feel prideful about his wins.
The elimination begins and Zoro puts more focus into what he's doing to be sure he isn't knocked out of the competition. Though he is still not fighting his hardest. On his off times, he glances around and spots some of the competitors that he deems to be the real competition. The rest of these are just warm ups. He won't feel like he's really won anything until he's won against all of them. And he will. He has no doubt about it.
A few times during his fights he's felt his control slipping and he has to decide whether or not to sacrifice his focus or his control. He went back and forth on that decision; both could be beneficial in a fight. But sacrificing focus won out since he could easily be penalized if he loses a little too much control with himself. He's not losing by penalty. He's just not losing period.
He really has to hand it to Perona for signing him up for this. This really has been one of the best ways to train himself to control his urges. His competitiveness is keeping him from letting go of his mental restraints. He is figuring out just how much he can loosen up on his hold before he knows he won't be able to neither focus nor stay in the competition. He's been really proud of himself for how he's been handling this.
He's finally getting down to the last few opponents. These are the ones he's been waiting for. He'll get to really fight, go all out, something he's hasn't really gotten to do in a long time with a sword. He feels his excitement build and he can't wait.
The first one must have sorely underestimated him. He was slow with his first hits, and had a hard time making that up, giving Zoro an easier win than he had wanted. He won before time was up and felt a pang of disappointment when he realized the match was over.
The next one Zoro has a much more exciting fight with. His next opponent was definitely more skilled and had been watching him. Their fight was a real fight. Pushing each other back to the boundaries, but neither landing a hit. Zoro gets increasingly frustrated as he pushes back harder. He watches his opponent fiercely and blocks every single move he makes. He focuses so hard on the other man that he forgets the push and pull of his mental stability, allowing a little of his control to ebb away.
Zoro makes the first point, but earns a penalty for unnecessary roughness. He mentally berates himself, and holds himself back a bit. He shakes his head and prepares to start again. The next point is his opponent's. He growls to himself for allowing a point. He wants to badly to run his shinai through this other man right now but he's so close to the win that he can hold it in. He grips his shinai tighter in attempt to quell the feeling.
Zoro almost missed it, but the next point went to him. He won. He breathes out in a ragged breath as he tries to pull everything back under control and back where it should be in his head. He isn't rewarded much time before the final match and he registers vague worry in the back of his mind. He brushes it off and prepares for his next win.
He closes his eye and takes a deep breath.
When he opens his eye again its to a pained scream as the referees are rushing towards his opponent. He can see blood pooling on the ground and Zoro immediately backs up and drops his shinai.
Fuck, did he seriously black out? That hasn't happened for a long time. He desperately tries to see what happened but his view is blocked and all he can see is the blood on the floor. He quickly closes his eye and turns his head. Staring at that is not going to help.
He's sure to be disqualified. If that isn't unnecessary roughness, he doesn't know what is. He's extremely ashamed of himself. What the hell happened? He was doing so well. He glances back over to the small massing of people across from him and he can see a disturbingly white object protruding from the other man's arm.
Zoro hangs his head. He hit him so hard he snapped his wrist. Shit.
One of the referees catches him watching the commotion and walks the short distance over to him. He informs Zoro that he's been penalized for the hit and is therefore not the winner of the fight. Zoro replies that he understands and apologizes for what he'd done. He doesn't know if he should leave. Does he wait to see what happens? He knows he lost. He knows the his opponent will be headed to the hospital. What else is going to happen? He sighs and pulls off his head protection. He leans down to grab his shinai which he belated realizes is snapped and only barely holding together.
He supposes that's appropriate. It matches the guy's arm.
He next equates it to himself. Snapped and barely holding together.
He peeks over at the injured man again and winces. He really hopes that didn't look intentional. Zoro trudges over to the locker room area to change and pick up the rest of his things.
One day he'll get it right.
Perona comes bouncing up next to him soon after he exits the locker area. "What happened? That came out of nowhere! You just… bashed on him. Well it was one hit, but you wrecked that dude."
"Thanks for summing that up for me."
"Seriously though Zoro, what the fuck? You weren't like that in any of your other fights. I've never seen-"
Zoro quickly rounds on her in a quiet voice. "Do you want to end up like that guy?"
Perona shrinks back slightly. "No."
"Then shut the fuck up."
He storms out way ahead of her to find the car.
The more he thinks about it, the more he can figure out why that could have happened.
He didn't have enough time to calm down before that last fight. He shouldn't have gotten so worked up in the fight right before the last one. He let it get to him and he let it build up.
He's pissed at himself, but now he knows what he needs to work on. He's just got to figure out how to work on it without hurting anyone else.
Damn it, where is the car? He's been walking in circles and still hasn't found it. He glances around the parking lot and spots pink hair. The closer he gets the better he can see her bored expression while she waits for him to realize where they parked.
"Come on, loser, let's go." He glares daggers at her. "Oh, come on. I didn't mean it like that and you know it. Just get in the damn car."
The ride home is silent. Zoro regrets threatening Perona earlier. She's aware of his streaks of violence, and he has indirectly told her he's killed people. Threatening her is not smart. That's only going to make her afraid of him.
When they get home, he immediately grabs a bottle of whatever he's got in the kitchen and retreats to his room. He doesn't bother showering, he just plops himself on his bed and starts drinking. Hopefully he'll just fall asleep soon so he won't feel so utterly shitty. Eventually he has to get up to go to the bathroom. He opens the door and nearly steps in a plate of food. He stares at it confused, but quickly realizes Perona attempted to feed him. He picks it up and places it next to his bed. He find a note that was next to the plate that reads 'you did great today'.
He scoffs a the note.
He brushes his teeth and stares at himself in the mirror. Well, maybe it wasn't all so bad. He did manage to go the entire tournament without damaging anyone or anything until the end. And even then he didn't go so far as to irreparably harm anyone. He even stopped after the initial damage was done. Maybe he did do alright today.
He rinses his mouth out and wipes off his face as he stares himself down. He tries to soften his features for the countless time. Maybe if he wasn't so angry at everything all the time he won't look so harsh. Ah, what does he care what he looks like.
"What are you doing?"
Zoro jumps slightly at the sudden voice at the doorway. He thought he closed the door.
"Nothing."
"You look like you're going to shit yourself."
"Go away."
"Are you done in here? Because if you are, I'd like to use my bathroom." She never misses a chance to remind him that this is her apartment, and she's just allowing him to live in it. Another reason not to scare Perona. He needs a place to live.
"It's all yours." He makes to pass her but she stops him.
"You know if you pretended to be happier, you might be less prone to violence." He stares at her like she's the one who's lost her mind. "Just a thought."
He smiles down at her. "You know, I'm not feeling any less like throwing you across the living room right now." He shrugs and walks back to his room and collapses on the bed.
Perona hasn't been too off about a lot of things, and he reluctantly gives thought to her latest proposition. He isn't the best at pretending. He's been able to fool others for a short period of time, but there's no way he'd be able to fool himself.
He sighs and looks at the time. It's not ridiculously late. He picks up his phone and searches through his contacts list. He presses the call button when he finds the name he's looking for. Maybe he can't make himself happy, but someone else might be able to.
He smiles when the line picks up. "Hey, Nami."
