Lydia couldn't help but thinking that there was something wrong with the tree, in spite of Lily's constant declarations that it was the most charming Christmas tree she had ever laid eyes on.
Because their home was full of baby toys that would delight Harry but would merely get underfoot of drinking adults, Sirius had suggested that he and Lydia host Christmas this year, and Remus had been unable to attend.
Perhaps that was what was wrong. There weren't enough presents underneath the tree.
Lydia and Sirius had exchanged gifts earlier in the day, as had Lily and James, but outside of people living together, they had agreed to save those gifts for the party, including all the things they had each gotten for Harry.
"May I?" Peter asked, holding out the wine.
"No, thank you," Lydia said, covering her glass. She'd had to finish her champagne, and she really wasn't in the mood for wine. She could really only handle one drink she didn't like per occasion anymore. Sirius was too busy playing with Harry to notice, so she didn't feel like she was going to irritate him. She went into the kitchen to perfect the eggnog.
"Lydia?" James said, following her into the kitchen. "Are you all right? You look pale."
"M'fine," she lied, stirring the eggnog. "Here, test this."
He gave her an annoyed look, but he tested the beverage.
"Too much milk, so Sirius will love it. Now, what's wrong?"
"I just told you, I'm fine."
"Lydia, I've known you for nearly a decade. I've rarely seen you this upset."
Was that true? Well, she knew the nearly a decade bit was true, strange as it seemed, but about her being upset? She told herself she was fine, but was she lying to herself?
She sighed.
"I guess something just feels off this year," she admitted. "I don't really know how to say it any better than that. Just…something's not quite right, you know?"
James nodded, touching her hand gently.
"Is it because Remus isn't here?" She pulled her hand away. "Lydia, contrary to what you might think, Sirius and I don't tell each other everything. If you're still in love with Remus and need to talk about it, I won't say anything."
"I shouldn't be."
"That doesn't mean you're not."
Lydia glanced up at James's earnest hazel eyes and wondered when exactly he'd become so sensitive and understanding.
"I don't think I am," she said slowly, putting biscuits on a tray. "I mean, I think I'm not and then he comes around again and I am, and then he pushes me away and leaves and I think I've got it under control again and…."
"Have you tried telling Sirius this?"
She blinked, snorting. Perhaps he wasn't as sensitive as she'd thought.
"You must be joking."
"No, hear me out," James said, helping her arrange the biscuits. "Sirius really loves you, and if he knew this was something you were struggling with, he would be understanding. Jealous, yeah, but I think he's jealous even if Peter talks with you a little longer than normal."
Lydia shrugged, carrying the tray of biscuits out to the kitchen, unsurprised when James followed her with the jug of eggnog in hand. Perhaps he was right, and perhaps it would be a good idea to speak with Sirius about her linger affections for Remus. If he didn't feel like she was hiding things from him, maybe he would manage his emotions better.
But this was not the time and place, and Sirius seemed so happy with baby Harry on his lap. She sat beside him and took Harry from his arms so he could eat.
"Hello," she said to the cooing baby boy. "Merlin, Lily, he gets heavier every time I hold him."
"I know what you mean," Lily said with a laugh, picking up a biscuit. "I would love to be able to say that I feel like I'm getting stronger, but I only feel more pathetic every time I try to lift my son."
"Don't feel too bad," James said with a laugh. His face was carefree, as if he and Lydia hadn't had their conversation in the kitchen after all. "I feel the same way, most days."
Lydia did not have even the faintest envy for Lily's being a mother anymore. She'd seen the stress and joy and she decided that for her the stress far outweighed the joy. Lydia was much happier to help Sirius spoil the child and be done with it. She had no obligations to do anything unpleasant, and as a result the chubby little baby thought her delightful. He had no negative associations with her, and a host of positive ones. With any luck, she would be his favorite adult. Except that Sirius would probably beat her out. Sirius could spoil people with the best of them.
"Happy Christmas, everyone," Sirius said, pouring eggnog for them all. "Here, Peter. I would like to propose a toast, if you all don't mind."
Balancing Harry on one arm, Lydia took her glass of eggnog wishing there would be no toast. She hated having to balance things.
"A toast, then," Sirius said when everyone was ready. "To friendship, to love, and to the winning of this war. May it end swiftly."
The words sounded hollow, even as the others repeated the last sentiment before taking their drinks.
As Lydia drank her eggnog and held a squirming Harry, she tried not to think about the emptiness, about the fact that they'd just toasted friendship while Remus was gone, and about the fact that Sirius had likely done it fairly purposefully. He still thought Remus was the spy, and Lydia knew in that moment that if she were to say something to Sirius about still being in love with Remus, even a little bit, that whole argument would hash itself out all over again.
And Lydia, whatever she was prepared to accept for herself, was not prepared to believe such things about Remus.
Two days later, Sirius came back exceptionally late from an Order meeting, and Lydia felt a wash of relief at the sound of his approaching motorbike. She was just about to call out from her office and ask what took him so long when she heard James calling her name and she jumped to attention, rushing out to the foyer to find Sirius bleeding heavily and writhing in pain while James held him.
"What happened?" she demanded.
"There was an attack on St. Mungo's again," James said darkly. "He was hit with one of those corrosive potions and the spell Lily got before."
Severus's work, both, and Lydia had a feeling that this time, Severus knew exactly what he was doing, hitting Sirius. She ordered James to get everything for burns and wounds in their potion collection, and she sat down beside Sirius, who was gasping in pain.
"Relax, Sirius," she said, although she had a strong sense that he was going to die. From what she knew of this potion Severus had invented, there wasn't much she could do. He would lose his arm, at the very least. "I have to stop the bleeding. I don't have time to see to scarring before I turn to the burns, okay?"
"Lydia, I love you," he whimpered.
He thought he was saying goodbye, and so did Lydia, but if he gave up the will to live, there was absolutely nothing she could do for him anymore.
"Hold still," she warned him, and he did his best in spite of the corrosive materials eating through the layers of his skin. Lydia performed the countercurse to Sectumsempra, telling James to do what he could with that wound while she looked at the corrosion.
"It's all over his sleeve," she muttered. With a sigh, Lydia vanished his shirt, glad that it wasn't one he'd been particularly fond of, and began to clean the wound with a few spurts of pure water. Sirius howled in pain, but James held him down after applying a bit of dittany – although Lydia was sure it wouldn't be enough to keep away the scarring – to the wound from the curse.
"Steady, Sirius," James said firmly. "I know it hurts, but let her do what she has to do."
James glanced up at Lydia with an expression of pleading. He somehow thought she would have the skill to save Sirius from something she had no idea how to approach.
"Damn," she muttered, and James jumped.
"What's wrong?" he demanded.
"Well, I've already gotten rid of all the potion," she said, rubbing her forehead with the heel of her hand. "I could have made an antidote."
"It's not a poison."
"Yes, but a sort of antidote, you know, something to counteract it specifically. Damn it!"
Severus would have known that Lydia was capable of that, but he also would have bet on her inability to think of it in a panic. And she had no doubt that Severus had done this.
Lydia wiped her eyes as James said calming things, uncorking a few potions and handing them to her.
She worked instinctively, unable to think clearly as she began pouring bits of every potion she could think of into the corroded spot. Sirius would scream and squirm and James did his best to hold him down and calm him. By the time she had used everything she could think of, Lydia could barely see for the tears blurring her vision.
It was one thing for Sirius to die in battle. It was another thing entirely for Sirius to die because she couldn't save him.
James and Lydia carried Sirius into the bedroom and tried to make him comfortable, but it was clear that he was in a lot of pain.
"I'll get him something for that," Lydia muttered, leaving them alone because she couldn't be alone with Sirius while he was like this. She might say things she didn't mean because it was her last chance to say them, and she didn't want to regret lying to him once he was dead.
It took her a moment to find the strongest pain potion they had, and even then she didn't think it would be strong enough to do much good, but perhaps if, once it set in, she gave him something for sleep?
But then he would die in his sleep and they would not have a chance to say goodbye. And for just once in her life, she wanted to say goodbye to someone. Lydia picked up an empty vial and threw it at the wall in frustration, watching it shatter, feeling like she should have gotten more satisfaction out of the act, but she only felt more helpless, more frustrated, and she slid to the floor, letting a wave of sobs and tears wash over her.
It took Lydia several minutes to pull herself together again, but she finally managed to peel herself from the floor, pick up the pain potion, and she lingered there for a moment, staring at something for sleep. She slipped it into her pocket, just in case she needed it, but she hoped she wouldn't have to use it.
She lingered outside the door to the bedroom and she could hear Sirius and James talking, Sirius's voice tight with agony.
" – need to tell her that I've left her everything, James."
"There's no need for that. You're going to be fine."
"I'm going to die and you know it. Lydia knows it. Merlin, I never wanted this to happen. I was going to stay alive, win the war, marry her, have kids…. I was going to take care of her!"
"Relax, Sirius. You're going to cause yourself more pain."
"She mentioned leaving the country the other day. I should have listened. We should have left. I should have done the right thing instead of the brave thing for once."
Lydia wiped her eyes and did not listen as James once more told Sirius to calm himself. She pushed the door open and moved swiftly to Sirius's bedside.
"There we go," she said in a voice that was so falsely cheery that it made her shrink inside herself a bit. Sirius's eyes were wide and full of pain and horror as she unstopped the vial. "You'll need to drink all of this down, and you need to be sure not to fight it. The more you exert yourself, the less it can do for you."
"Lydia, please," he muttered, trying to sit up, but she pushed him down again.
"Relax, Sirius," she said gently, trying to believe her own lies. "Everything's going to be fine. Please, just do this for me and drink it?"
His eyes softened and he nodded, letting James adjust him so he could drink the potion she poured into his mouth without choking. He winced at the taste, but Lydia watched him attempt to relax his body, in spite of the spasms of pain. She pulled out her wand and tried to see how much the corrosion had spread. It wasn't pretty, but if she could get him to sleep, his body still might have a chance of healing. She had half an hour before she could give him the sleeping potion, in any case, so she had that time to say goodbye, just in case.
But Sirius would not sleep if he heard her say those words.
"I'll make some tea," she muttered, and despite Sirius's pleading eyes and James's protests that he could do it, she went into the kitchen and began making tea for her and James.
She could take her chances and not say anything, knowing he would be more likely to heal if he had confidence, or she could say goodbye to be safe and likely ruin all the work she had already done.
There was a knock at the door and Lydia rushed to get it. Remus came in, his face covered in blood.
"I can't stay long," he said as she closed the door behind him and began to siphon the blood of his face, looking for a wound. "Where are James and Sirius?"
"The bedroom," Lydia told him. "Remus, hold still. I need to find-"
"The blood's not mine, Lydia. I just need to talk to them."
She sighed and led Remus into the bedroom before heading back out on the pretense of the kettle.
"Three dead," she heard Remus say. "On our side, anyway. The hospital lost…"
She pushed her way into the kitchen, carefully making the tea, focusing on little actions. A few minutes later, James came into the kitchen.
"What's troubling you?" he said. "You look like you're going to be sick."
Lydia turned and looked at James, handing him a cup of tea.
"If I don't say goodbye," she said softly, "and it wasn't enough and he dies…. I never got to say goodbye to any of them, James. Not Mary, not Artemis, not my parents…."
"But?" James said gently.
"But if I do tell him…. Well, he'll panic, won't he? He'll fight to stay alive and that will fight the potions."
"Potions?"
"I'm probably going to have to give him something to help him sleep in another…ten minutes or so."
"Lydia, don't."
"I have to. I didn't have a pain potion powerful enough, and he's going to start to fight it. He needs to sleep to heal, but either way, he might die. It's the best chance he has, but…"
"Just tell him you love him. Isn't that enough?"
Lydia set down her own cup of tea. Could she actually tell James that she didn't love Sirius?
"I can't."
"Why not?"
His eyes were full of confusion, and she just couldn't explain. He would never be able to understand her feelings. He wasn't Lily.
"I've never said it. He would know," she whispered.
"You've never told Sirius that you love him?" James asked, taking a startled step back. His eyes were searching her pained face for some sort of answer, or some sign that it was a joke, a bad joke and that any moment she would tell him the truth. And then recognition dawned in his eyes. "You don't love him, do you?"
She could feel the tears forming and filling her eyes but she could not stop them no matter how hard she tried. She began to breathe heavily, quickly, too quickly to really be healthy, and she took a step backwards. The room began to spin slightly and James rushed forward and her knees buckled. He helped her into a chair and set her tea in front of her.
"Lydia, you can't lie to him."
"I haven't lied."
Not really. Not in the strictest sense. But she knew that she was allowing him to lie to himself, which was almost as bad.
"Lydia, you've said it yourself. He could die."
"What's worse, telling him I don't love him and having him live or letting him believe the lie and die?"
James rubbed his forehead.
"You won't lie to him, will you?"
"I can't."
He tapped the table.
"That's something anyway. Well, give him the potion for sleep, then, and say nothing. You won't get your closure if he does die, but…I suppose you could say it when he's sleeping."
Lydia chewed the inside of her cheek thoughtfully and watched the clock as she sipped her tea.
Without a word to James, when it was time she passed into the bedroom to see Sirius trying to calm himself despite the pain. He seemed to be better than when Lydia had left him. She sat down beside him and pulled the vial out of her pocket. He looked at her, frowning slightly.
"What's that?"
"It will help you sleep," Lydia said gently, brushing a bit of sweaty hair out of his face. "Your body heals best when you're sleeping. I gave you the pain potion first because this won't work if you fight it at all. Can you feel the change? You're experiencing less pain?"
"Yes, but-"
"Sirius, you need to do this. Okay?"
He nodded, looking up at her with wide, shining eyes. She unstopped the vial and set the cork down on the table. Before she could pour it into his mouth, Sirius lifted her knuckles to his lips and whispered, "I love you."
Lydia took a breath to steady herself. She began to pour the potion and he drank it dutifully. She kissed his forehead, tasting the sweat and grime as she pulled back. His eyes fluttered shut and she watched for a moment until his breathing calmed and she knew he was asleep.
"I'm so sorry," she whispered, lifting his good hand to her own lips. "I'm so sorry I couldn't love you. If you die…. I'm so sorry. And if you don't…." She closed her eyes. "I'll try harder. I promise. I'll really, really try."
A/N: This chapter is dedicated to The Yoshinator, whose regular reviews led to this update. THANK YOU DEAR!
-C
