To be or not to be
A/N: Okay, this is the beginning of the end. I know it's hard, but she's dead and Damon has to deal with it. I admit I did cry while writing this chapter…
(Damon)
I wondered what she was up to when she requested the Chrissie Hynde song and picked up the mike again. "Okay, um… sometimes life sucks as we all know, and… the next song is for the man who made me live and love again," she said over the mike and held my gaze. I caught my breath and felt Stefan's hand on my shoulder. "Guess that's you, brother," he whispered and squeezed my shoulder gently. I listened to her crystal clear voice and a shiver ran down my spine…
"Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
'cause I've seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you."
I gulped heavily. The lyrics were clearly aimed at me, but at the same time I felt my chest swelling with pride and joy. God, but I loved this damned woman! She was the first to love me including all my flaws and right now she was bringing me to my knees, cutting straight into my heart with her song. She was proving to those who still had their doubts about me that I was worth being loved…
"So if you're mad, get mad
Don't hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I'm a lot like you
When you're standing at the crossroads
And don't know which path to choose
Let me come along
'cause even if you're wrong
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you."
I watched, mesmerized, as she walked closer, her eyes never leaving mine, until she finally stood right in front of me. She didn't have to do this. I would've known that she'd never leave me, that she loved me, even without this song. Our love just was, it didn't need to be lifted on a pedestal, but I knew why she did this. Sometimes, I was still waiting for the other shoe to drop and she knew that. She wanted to assure me that it would never happen. I felt my eyes filling with tears and had to breathe deeply.
"And when...
When the night falls on you, baby
You're feeling all alone
You won't be on your own
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you."
She lowered her hand with the mike and smiled at me. My heart felt like it would burst and I had trouble breathing. It seemed so surreal that we should be connected this way… but we were and it nearly overwhelmed me. I crushed her to my chest and sought her lips, kissing her thoroughly, not minding our surroundings. I heard the loud applause and shouting of the people standing around us, but I didn't give a damn! Finally, I broke the kiss and looked at her. She had a slightly dazed expression on her face and her cheeks were red like fire. "I love you," I croaked, swept away by the love I felt for her. "I love you too," she replied breathlessly with a bright smile. "Go back on stage, this is your applause," I suggested and handed her the mike she had almost dropped during the kissing. She nodded and turned around, heading back to the stage. Up there Billy hugged her and she turned back to the audience. "Thank you, thanks a lot…," she said and put the mike back on the stand. "Thank you, guys, for letting me sing with you, but I think it's time to get Alanna back." I saw Caitlin stepping back a few to get down again when Stefan suddenly grabbed my arm. "Listen," he said urgently and perked his ears. I did too and heard screeching tires and police sirens from the street. "What's going on out there?" Elena asked bewildered. She and Caroline had heard it too. I wanted to shrug, but at the same moment we heard guns firing outside and a second later all hell broke loose.
The door of the Grill burst open and a man with an automatic rifle stormed into the room, firing right away. Everyone screamed and ran, ducking for cover. Caroline pulled Tyler down, Jeremy covered Bonnie and I screamed for Caitlin to duck down. The killer scattered the first volley across the whole bar and right into the crowd on the dance floor before he aimed higher, hitting those on the stage. I saw Caitlin being hit in the chest and going down. I ran towards her, not caring for the bullets I caught on the way because I couldn't vamp speed over to her with all the people around me. When I reached her, I was already bleeding from a dozen different wounds, none of them fatal though. "Caitlin!" She lay behind a large loudspeaker and I heard sirens in front of the bar. From the corner of my eye I saw Stefan, Elena and Caroline wrestling the killer down, but I didn't care. I kneeled next to her just as she drew her last breath and whispered my name barely audible. "Damon…" Then the light in her eyes faded and her heart stopped. A cry of agony broke from my chest and I hugged her lifeless body to mine. It couldn't be… she couldn't be dead… but her heart… I couldn't hear her heartbeat anymore… and I couldn't save her anymore… I couldn't save her! "No… no, no, no…," I whispered horrified and caressed her face. "Cait'… wake up, please… please, baby, wake up… no, no…," I broke into unrestrained sobbing, cradled her in my arms and rocking her softly while my heart shattered into a million pieces…
(Stefan)
Damon moved over to Caitlin while Caroline, Elena and I jumped at the killer in normal speed and wrestled him down, not caring for the bullet wounds we got. At this moment Liz and her colleagues stormed into the room and took over while we retreated and tried to hide our healing injuries. "Stefan! Are you okay?" she asked. I just nodded. Suddenly a keening wail sounded over the groaning and the cries of the other wounded and my hair stood at end. "Oh my God, Stefan!" Elena gasped, white as a sheet, and pointed towards the stage. I froze at the sight of my brother crying his heart out over the lifeless body he was cradling to his chest. "Christ no…, please, no!" I murmured aghast and moved over to him. "Damon," I whispered, kneeling next to him. He was oblivious to his surroundings, completely wrapped up in his mourning. Caitlin's heart wasn't beating anymore. A large bloodstain had formed on her chest. My eyes filled with tears. Why her of all people? Right now, I feared for my brother's sanity. "Damon? Damon, please, let me look at her?" I whispered, putting my arms around his shaking shoulders, stopping the rocking for a moment. He didn't react, he just kept murmuring in denial. I ran my fingers through my hair in desperation until I realized we were surrounded by our friends. I looked up, meeting their eyes. She was indeed dead. I slowly shook my head. Elena and Caroline couldn't hold their tears and broke to their knees next to Damon, wrapping him into their embrace while he still held his dead girlfriend.
I got up slowly and stiff like a zombie, suddenly feeling very old. My limbs were heavy as if I had run a hundred miles. Bonnie had her hand clamped over her mouth and leaned to Jeremy, her eyes brimming with tears. "Is she really…?" Jeremy asked. I just nodded. "Is there anything you could do, Bonnie?" I whispered, anguish lacing my voice. She gulped heavily and shook her head. "I can't bring a witch back from the dead, the consequences would be… completely unpredictable," she whispered. I nodded gravely and looked down on my wailing brother for a moment before I turned away and covered my face with my hands. The pain of seeing him suffer like this was almost unbearable. Tyler held me by my shoulders. "He won't survive this…," I murmured. "Stefan, Damon is a tough one, he'll always survive," Tyler said but I shook my head. "No, Tyler, not this time…" I answered quietly. My heart ached when I saw Damon still crying. The sobs just wouldn't stop. How does one calm a mourning vampire? I asked myself. "Stefan!" I turned around. Liz stood there with a paramedic. "What's going on here?" she asked, obviously taken aback by the scene. "It's Damon, Liz…" I started. "He's lost…" I took a deep breath. "He's lost his girlfriend…" Liz' eyes widened. "Oh my God! She's really… dead-dead?" she asked. I nodded. "She was a mortal. From what I could see she got hit in the heart. She didn't suffer," I explained, tears running down my cheeks now that I had to finally acknowledge my brother's loss.
(Damon)
Faintly I recognized my brother's voice asking me to let him look at her, but I didn't care. I couldn't stop crying, the pain was ripping me apart, I felt like I was dying over and over again. Vaguely I noticed Elena and Caroline holding me, crying together with me. "Damon," Elena whispered sniffling, "I'm so, so sorry, Damon." Her soft voice tried to calm me, but nothing in the world would be able to calm me. It was all a haze, the voices around me, Caroline caressing my hair, putting her arms around my shoulder. All I felt was pain, that unbearably sharp stabbing pain in my dead heart, as if someone was piercing it with a knife and the pain spread through my whole body. I don't remember how long I'd been sitting there with Cait' in my arms. "Sir, we've got to look at her," I heard a strange voice. "Please, Sir, let us look at her…" A soft tug at my hand which cradled her head to my chest... "Let go, Damon, please. They need to look at her…" Elena's voice whispering softly to me... "Damon, trust me, please. Let her go for now… Come here, let me hold you, Damon…" Elena's voice crooned and arms wrapped themselves around me while paramedics carefully untangled Caitlin's body from my arms. The sense of loss was again almost overwhelming. "No…, Cait'!" For a moment I wanted to resist and fought a little, but I was held back and my voice broke… I collapsed into arms that held me tight, rocking me softly back and forth, trying to replace her body with warmth, with caring. I clutched at the person holding me, burying my face in the fabric of a shirt, sobbing myself into exhaustion.
At some point I raised my head and looked into a face, trying to blink away the tears that still blurred my vision. "…'lena?" I croaked. She nodded, forcing a smile to lighten up her tear-streaked face. I took several deep breaths, trying to control my voice which I knew would break again as soon as I would try to use it. "Shsh, it's okay, Damon. You don't have to talk," she whispered, frowning. "I… I couldn't…" I gasped and squinted my eyes. "Where? Where is she?" I asked, raising myself up. She still kept her arms around me. "They've taken her to the morgue, Damon," she whispered. I let my head fall back and took a deep breath. Rationally, I knew it was the usual thing to do, but the image of her on a cold metal stretcher… I shuddered involuntarily. "Damon?" I heard Caroline's voice and raised my head. She knelt in front of me, face all puffy and red from crying – Caroline crying? Her hands reached out for my shoulders. "Damon? Tell me what you need," she whispered, caressing my face. "I… I wanna see her, Care…", I croaked. "I want…", I almost hiccupped. "What do you want, brother?" Stefan's face appeared in front of mine. I took a deep breath, trying to focus. "I want a vigil, Stefan," I whispered. A grim look settled on his face. "And you'll get it. Come on," he stated and they pulled me up. My knees felt like jelly and Stefan had to support me. Standing on my feet, I looked around and noticed the destruction the attack had caused. Matt would have a hell of a time to get everything fixed again. A horrible thought crossed my mind. "Where's Matt?" I asked shakily. "He's fine," Elena reassured me. "He's in hospital, but he's fine." Relieved I let my shoulders sag and dragged my feet to the door.
(Bonnie)
The man who walked out of the Grill wasn't Damon Salvatore anymore. It was the shell of a man and it threatened to shatter at the slightest impact. I couldn't hold back my tears. His pain reminded me of the times I had lost people I loved and although I tried to see this disaster as his personal nemesis, I still felt for him. Compassion was the key to the relationships in our little group of friends and here was one who had always held off compassion, but had cared about all of us in one way or the other, mostly in his very own way. Might the witches of my family curse me from the other side, I thought, I had to stand by him in his darkest hour. I looked at Jeremy and saw nothing but understanding. The haunted look on his face softened a bit when he saw Elena comforting the man who had killed him, who had taken memories from him to spare him pain and who had done everything possible and impossible to keep his sister safe. "Can we go with them?" I whispered to Jeremy. He just nodded and we followed them outside. Everywhere was police, I saw Liz, and paramedics tended to those injured. I didn't know how many had died, but this must've been the worst thing Mystic Falls had experienced in the past hundred years. I saw Stefan speaking to Liz and she just nodded. For once she didn't try to argue with anyone. We climbed into the cars which we had luckily parked a little further away and pulled out, driving towards Mystic Falls' hospital.
Silently, I wondered what impact this death would have on Damon. I'd had a lengthy discussion with Caroline during the afternoon about him. We both had borne a grudge against him for a very long time, but we couldn't ignore any longer how much he had obviously changed. Caitlin seemed to bring out the best in him - permanently. I had never seen Damon Salvatore that love-struck like in the past twenty-four hours. Would he switch off his humanity again, even if Rose said it was a myth and he could only suppress his feelings? Would he turn evil again? I shuddered at the thought. And this time, I would know and understand why he would react in a certain way. Could I still hate him for something he would do out of pain? We arrived at the hospital and followed the others. It was dark and late at night, shortly after midnight to be precise. I heard Caroline argue with the night guard and she finally compelled him to let us into the morgue. The medical examiner seemed a little more amicable, but pointed out the regulations until Caroline 'convinced' him also to let us into the room where they kept Caitlin's body. "Can you see her ghost somewhere?" I asked Jeremy. "No, she's not here, Bon," he replied. Strange, I thought, but the ways of the dead were not always easy to understand. I saw Damon tremble when he finally entered the room together with Stefan and Elena. The rest of us stayed outside and fell exhausted into the visitor chairs. My hair stood at end when I heard Damon wail again. Oh God, I thought, how much longer can he suffer like this… Stefan came out, white as a sheet, supporting a crying Elena and shook his head. Not a good sign.
(Damon)
The drive to the morgue was all a blur. When we finally stood in front of the room where they kept her body, it was as if an invisible wall kept me from entering. "Do you want us to come with you?" Stefan asked softly. I just nodded and together we entered the room. There was a wall with eight vertical compartments, the refrigerator. Stefan moved to open the lower compartment in the middle and I grabbed Elena's hand to brace myself for what I'll be seeing. She supported me silently. Stefan pulled out a blanket-lined tray with a body wrapped loosely in a plastic shroud. I remembered vaguely that the medical examiner told us where to find her. Then he stepped back, standing next to me. Like a puppet on invisible strings I was pulled forward and stopped right next to the tray. My hands shook violently as I lifted the overlapping plastics around her head and revealed the face of the woman I loved. As if out of their own volition, my fingers started to caress her face. Her eyes were closed, the skin seemed almost translucent and she was cold. Why was she so cold? The irrational thought crossed my mind. I mouthed silently how much I loved her, not trusting my voice to hold. "Damon, what about her family?" Stefan asked. I thought of her mother Annabelle, her Grams… and her ill father… "Not tonight. I've got the phone numbers, but... her father might not survive it," I rasped. The both nodded. "Okay," Stefan replied. "We'll leave you alone with her now…," he added and put his arm around Elena, turning to leave. Alone... with my dead love… The lump in my throat started growing again and I couldn't help a wailing sound escaping my mouth. I sank down to my knees next to the tray and cried again, not hearing the door closing.
I couldn't remember how long I had knelt there, half lying on top of Cait's dead body. My sobs had ceased long ago, I had no more tears. Outside the room, it was completely quiet except for two heartbeats. I picked myself up and walked to the door, opened it carefully and peeked around the corner. Jeremy and Bonnie waited in front of the room, the others were gone. Bonnie rested with her head in Jeremy's lap. They looked so young and sweet, so innocent, I thought and crouched next to them. Suddenly, Bonnie opened her eyes and met my gaze. She didn't flinch. "Damon?" she whispered. I put my finger to my lips. "Shsh, don't wake Jer'," I said softly. "Damon, I… I'm sorry, honestly. I wish there was something I could do for you," she whispered with a sad expression on her face. I gave her a crooked smile and shook my head. "Shsh, it's okay. Watch out for Jeremy, Bonnie, and take care of yourself, okay?" I said and got up again. "I'll be done in a few minutes." She frowned at me. "Where are you going?" she asked. "I need to be alone for a little while, okay?" She nodded. "Take care, Damon," she replied softly and closed her eyes again while I retreated back to the room. I walked back to the tray and sat on the edge. Then I looked at Caitlin's face again, soaking up every feature, burning it into my memory. "I love you, but you know that, sweetheart," I whispered. "I would've lived with you forever, and I would've married you if you wanted. Hell, I would even have helped raising your children, Cait'." I bent down and kissed her forehead. "You had me wrapped completely around your little finger, babe, didn't you know? From the first time I've laid eyes on you, I was hooked," I whispered. "I would've died for you, but you've beaten me to it, honey." I kissed her lips a last time and threaded my fingers lovingly through her black hair. "See you soon, darling." Taking a deep breath, I got up and turned to leave. I needed to get out of here.
