#45 Illusion

Why do you still follow me?

Why did you even start?

I stomped over to you and took your stupid little game. Told you to come and play with me because I was bored.

You never argued.

You never have.

You didn't argue the day I called you up, and said firmly, 'Come to New York.'

Even though, as I found out much later, at the time, you were dating Linda.

But that never meant anything, did it?

Oh sure, you sought solace in her, and you came together because you missed me, and she missed Near. Simple as that.

But you told me yourself, one night in bed, basking in afterglow, that I was the only one who ever really made you feel anything. There couldn't ever be anyone else.

I couldn't tell if you were being your stupid, sweet self or just flattering me in hopes of another round.

Why don't you ever fight back when I smack you around for things that are mostly my own fault? Or when I'm really mad at Near? Or when I'm just frustrated and you're angry?

Is it because you know?

You know that it's not real.

Mello isn't a real person, strutting around in his leather clothes, gun in one hand and chocolate in the other. Being gorgeous and knowing it, making the whole world his bitch, acting as though everything around him is just an inconvenient fog.

He's not a real human being.

You've seen what's real.

You've seen Miheal Kheel.

You've seen me praying quietly before I sleep, and told me kindly that you're sure god forgives all my sins, and the sins I commit with you are sins o love, and who can call that evil?

You've seen me crying to myself when it all gets to be too much, and hugged me and told me that no matter what everyone else thinks, I'm always number one to you.

You've seen me in utter agony, and tended to the wound that left me scarred. If you hadn't, it would have been so much worse.

You've discovered I actually like being cuddled, I just have to pretend I don't.

Damn you.

Damn you to hell for finding out all these things that make what I am an illusion. Damn you for discovering that 'Mello' isn't really real.

But bless you; bless you with every angel in heaven for never revealing it.

For always playing along and never letting on the truth.

For smiling through the punches I have to give you to keep up the image.

For saying you'll love me always, no matter what I do.

For never arguing.

For keeping my illusion going.

For being my sidekick.

For being Matt.