Chapter Fifty: Are You Happy Where You Are?
"Harley, I'm sorry," Yes Man's connection on her Pip-Boy was full of static and cut off words. She wiped her nose with her hand. "We need you here. Vegas won't listen to anyone else."
"I can't...Isaiah can't eat without me."
"So bring him here."
"But...he needs the incubator. There has to be someone more fit for Vegas than me. I...I can't do it."
"What do you mean you can't? You're the best! Everyone loves you!"
"I-I don't know why. I haven't done anything to deserve this."
"Of course you have! You've helped everyone! You've given the people jobs and hope when there wasn't anything else for them. You've done a lot more than you think you have. You have every right to be proud of yourself."
"But I still can't leave Isaiah."
"If Boone uses the transportalponder in the bedroom, comes to get you, and then goes back with you and the baby, then you'll end up in the bedroom. From there, you can always just plug the incubator in, right?"
"I...guess? I don't know how long he will be okay outside of the –"
"Harley. It'll be fine. And I couldn't say that if it was a lie, right?"
The Pip-Boy sat on the floor in front of her, Yes Man's unblinking stare mirroring hers. She was quiet, aside from the choked sobbing noise she made as she tried to catch her breath. There was no way she could do it. Vegas wasn't good in her hands. Maybe in Mr. House's, if she hadn't killed him. But she had, and she had stuck a claim in the land as well. She couldn't back out of that, could she?
"I'm just worried about Isaiah..." She whispered.
"Us, too. All of us are. Someone has to do something."
"I..." She closed her eyes and sighed, breathing the air in until she felt her lungs expand inside of her, until her chest hurt. Then, she nodded, "fine. I'll come back. But...I don't know what I'll do if something happens to him."
"Nothing will, I promise."
"O-okay...if you're sure. I-I'll come back."
"I'll send Boone over shortly."
She wasn't sure if he cut the transmission himself, or if they had just lost connection. The switch from Yes Man's bright face to the dull blue of the Pip-Boy hurt her eyes as she continued to stare at it in the middle of the floor, her arms wrapped around her legs and her chin resting on her knee.
This had all started with that ridiculous package. If she hadn't taken it – or better yet, pursued it after she had been shot in the head – then she wouldn't be in this position. She hadn't thought that killing House would land Vegas in her lap as it's "inheritor" until Arcade brought it up to her.
And then of course, with the thought of Arcade, came the feeling of crushing loneliness. She knew she wasn't alone, and no matter how stupid she kept telling herself she was being, she couldn't shake the feeling of emptiness. The feeling of waking up in the middle of the night, knowing Arcade would no longer be there. Wondering what was going to happen to Isaiah without Arcade there to make him better. He knew more than the rest of them. He knew better. Medicine was his thing, and sure, Harley had been informally trained, but it was her baby, and could she even trust herself to make a tough decision when it came to him?
It was his feeding time, she noted as his echoing cries filled the dank metal infrastructure they temporarily called home. That's when she noted his birthplace wasn't even the Mojave - it was the Big Empty. And for whatever reason, that made her incredibly sad. The Mojave was her home, that's where she wanted her kids to be born and raised.
His tiny fingers wrapped around her thumb as she held him close. Inside her stomach she felt something she had only felt when Kennedy first called her mom, or curled into a ball next to her. Like her chest was burning, it made her eyes water and her breath catch in her throat. Maybe that was what it was like to love a child. Isaiah looked into her eyes for a few minutes, smiling a big, gummy grin at her. His eyes were still wide, now a lighter blue with a green ring around the edges.
Isaiah's smile quickly disintegrated into a wide eyed stare when Harley jumped suddenly. Though she had been expecting Craig, she didn't expect him to slam the door, and she wasn't prepared for how loud he was stomping. Maybe it wasn't any different from normal, but she couldn't seem to remember.
"Hey," he said awkwardly, shoving his hands in his pockets.
"Hey." Her response wasn't as awkward but it was quiet. She barely even looked at him.
"I missed you."
"I know. I've missed you, too."
He noticed the tone in her voice wasn't sarcastic or displease, but she didn't sound enthused to see him either. "What's wrong?" He asked, expecting a bit of backlash, but she merely shrugged.
"I...I don't know. A lot of things."
"You can talk to me, you know."
She could feel her eyes burn with tears and she desperately tried to keep them from coming. With each blink, a new tear left its mark down her cheek and she shook her head ever so slightly.
"I'm not sure how to say it. How to say anything."
"You're better at that than I am," he let out a small chuckle.
She was always good at talking, but it seemed like lately, she just couldn't do it. Words wouldn't form in her mouth, she couldn't find the right words, if she did find the right words for her, were they the right words for others to understand? Everyone was different, they had different ways of perceiving things. It worried her that she would come off as something different than what she was trying to explain.
"I'm alone." She was quiet.
"I know." His answered surprised her. She expected him to say she wasn't alone, that he was there and so was everyone else. But he didn't. He had been in her position before – for three years. It had taken some coaxing, but he had seen differently with Harley. Now it was his turn to do that for her.
"I don't feel like I will be a good fit for Vegas. I feel so...I don't know...lost? Is lost the word I'm looking for?"
"Sort of, but I know what you mean. You don't feel like you're in the right place, like you're not sure what you want to do, but you're just stuck here by obligation?"
"Yes. That's it."
They were silent as Isaiah went back into the little incubator and they let him stay in for a few minutes as they gathered Harley's things. She had more stuff than everyone else since she was there longer, and they needed to give Isaiah time to warm back up before they unplugged him again. It just didn't seem like a good idea to Harley.
"If something happens to me –"
"What would happen?" Craig cut her off.
"I..." She shrugged, "not sure."
"Do you have everything?" He asked, even though she didn't actually have anything – Craig was carrying all of it, which wasn't much too begin with anything. Her duffle bag full of stuff, and she clutched the old journal to her chest tight enough for her fingers to turn white.
"You okay?"
Harley nodded once, her quickly growing hair bobbing slightly, frizzed on her head. He gave her a crooked smile, and they went through the portal.
As Yes Man said, they were right back in their bedroom, and Craig took the initiative to plug the incubator back in while Harley stood in the middle of the bedroom and stared at the walls, which seemed so different now, though unchanged. She was just too used to the metal ones she stared at for what seemed like months. Now, when the old peeling wood panel greet her, she just felt emptier – if it was even possible.
Isaiah cried and Kennedy clung to her leg, but Harley was frozen, a little sick from the portal, yet she couldn't remember much from it. Kennedy chattered about grampappy and Follows Chalk, and how much she missed Isaiah. Harley pushed her hair out of her eyes and nodded at her, trying to form a smile on her lips. It was a strange gesture.
Kennedy knocked at the incubator and Isaiah briefly stopped crying, staring wide-eyed at the older girl. He quickly started laughing, and Craig and Harley watched as Kennedy made faces at him through the plastic walls. Lily came lumbering into the room, her smile wide as she opened her arms. Harley and Kennedy fell into them, and Craig stood back, watching Isaiah as Lily told Harley how much she missed her and the baby.
"This is a strange question, pumpkin, but can Grandma hold the baby?" Lily's voice boomed in the too-small room.
"Of course. As soon as he gets bigger. He's too little and too unhealthy right now for everyone to be holding him. The only time I ever hold him is to feed him."
"You've made Grandma very happy."
The sentence made Harley tear up a bit. If that'd all it took to make her happy, then that was okay with Harley. She had grandchildren at one point, she knew what she was doing. Harley trusted her.
"Well, we need –" Craig started, but he was interrupted when Veronica and Cass ran into the bedroom, yelling for Harley.
Harley stood motionless as she let the girls dote on her for a few minutes until they got their fill. She was barely listening to anyone as they talked over her, and around her and behind her. Everyone was talking, everyone was so excited, and there she was. Motionless and disinterested – in everything.
"You don't look too good," Joshua's voice penetrated the girls' voices.
Harley's mouth opened to say something, but she wasn't sure what, so she snapped it shut and nodded. She didn't feel good. She felt too crowded, but still alone. It made her throat ache with bile and her head swim.
Joshua dismissed everyone except Craig, and he turned his back as Harley changed into a large T-shirt and an old pair of sweatpants. Kennedy wormed her way into bed beside Harley, cuddling into the crook of her neck. Craig tucked them in, and Joshua sat down at the old card table with a clipboard.
"I have some questions that the Families have been trying to get us to answer for a few weeks now. I fear can't hold off their badgering much longer," Joshua started.
"Okay," Harley acknowledged that she was listening.
"First, they want to know if they still need to pay rent. This one is obvious, I thought, but they asked to hear it from you."
"Of course."
"What about taxes?"
"How much were taxes under House?" Her voice sounded strained and tired. Joshua hurt for her.
"Twenty percent."
"Make it ten percent."
Joshua scribbled something on the clipboard and nodded, "okay, and they wanted to know how much they have to pay you for The Crimson Caravan Company."
"There's the 38 and three others, right?"
"Yes ma'am."
"Then we'd each pay twenty five percent. Or our share, if their casino orders less than normal."
"Are there going to be any weapon regulations on the Strip as opposed to in just casinos?"
"Not until after the threat of Legion is eliminated."
Joshua and Harley were quiet while he wrote some more stuff down. The silence was only broken when Isaiah started coughing - quiet at first but slowly getting louder until stopping abruptly. Craig and Harley locked eyes for a moment.
"I think we should take him to the Followers for a little while. Until he's big enough to not have to be in an incubator all day," he suggested. Harley nodded in agreement.
Veronica and Cass decided to tag along with Craig and the baby as Harley and Kennedy napped together. The girls chatted at a million miles a minute, repeatedly stopping to dote on Isaiah, despite it slowing them down and clearly irritating Craig.
Once there, the girls went straight to a doctor with bright red hair, and Craig looked for Julie Farkas. Her bright eyes lit up as she saw the baby, but gave a questioning look when she noticed him in the incubator.
"She had him, I see. And much too early." She said as a way of greeting, "Let's get him checked out."
Julie asked all sorts of questions - how far along was she when she had him? How old is he now? Has he been eating regularly? Does it seem to go down okay? Does anyone monitor his breathing? How's his sleep schedule? How often is he in the incubator? Where's Arcade?
Craig didn't feel like getting into the last one, so he said that he went out one night and they haven't seen him since. They were looking, though.
Julie poked and prodded at little Isaiah with tubes and needles and gave him all sorts of different liquids, intravenously and via mouth. She weighed him, measured him, wrote stuff down. More writing. Listened to his heartbeat. More writing. Listened to his stomach. More writing.
"He's not healthy," she said, "but he's nowhere near close to death. He might have heart issues, breathing issues – he'll be generally unhealthy his whole life."
"As long as he's okay."
"Yeah, he'll be 'okay'. Might have to be on medication. It might be expensive and hard to –"
"Boone!" Veronica burst through the door, "guess what?!"
"What?"
"I'm pregnant!" She squealed, followed by a less enthusiastic Cass.
"Congrats. What's wrong with you, Cass?" He asked.
"And I'm incapable of carrying a child to term."
"Sorry. At least Veronica can give you guys a child."
"There is always that. And it's Arcade's, so he'll always be around, even now that he isn't with us," Cass smiled, but Julie's face turned red.
"What do you mean by that?" She asked the redhead.
"Don't you know?" Cass asked.
"No? Craig said he was missing."
"He's...dead."
Craig shook his head violently, but Cass said the words before she could notice him. In her defense, he should've been truthful, he thought.
"You lied to me!" Julie's eyes were full of tears, "Arcade is dead...and you lied about it! Get out! Get out of here!" She screeched, ripping the tent flap open as she stormed out.
"That...could've went better," Veronica noted.
