The Real World: Hogwarts
Episode XVI
Summary: The Real World, continued. Olivie Advent Day 16.
[Scene opens with Lavender and Ron interview.]
Lavender: "I did it! I kissed him."
Ron: "She did."
Lavender: "He's mine now."
Ron: "I am?"
Lavender: [chirpily] "You are."
Ron: "Huh." [He shrugs.] "That seems reasonable."
Interviewer: "Well, how was it?"
Ron: "The kiss? Wet."
Lavender: "Magical!"
Ron: "There's a lot more tongue involved than I expected."
Lavender: "Life changing!"
Ron: "And that's just the mouth stuff."
Lavender: "A BLESSING IN EVERY WAY!"
Ron: "I tell you what, mate, nobody ever spends a lot of time discussing how wet it all is."
Lavender: "To think that someday we'll be able to tell our children!"
Ron: "It's all exceedingly messy."
Lavender: "I could literally feel my dreams coming true - "
Ron: "You hear all the love songs and read all the poems, you know? And yet nobody's ever commented on just how damp the whole situation is."
Lavender: "Speaking of poetry, I really feel like I could write some."
Ron: "And yes, there are some benefits to it, but guess what? Those are wet, too."
Lavender: "Weasleys are red, Lavenders are blue - "
[Draco, who is walking by, stops abruptly.]
Draco: "I'm sorry, what offensive thing did you just begin to recite?"
Lavender: [indignantly] "It's poetry. It's not offensive."
Draco: "I'm offended. My ears are offended. My sensibilities are offended - "
Ron: [rolling his eyes] "Bloody hell."
Draco: " - my very being is offended - "
Lavender: [angrily] "Well, I'd like to see you do any better!"
Draco: "Fine, I will." [He clears his throat.] "That I would gaze upon a face as lovely as a flower; that I would live a thousand days and barely feel an hour; for in your arms, a breath evolves, powerless and fleeting; I'd trade it in, my soul for yours, in wonderment repeating."
[There is a breathless pause.]
Ron: "Holy shit, Malfoy."
Lavender: "That was actually . . . incredibly stirring."
Draco: [shrugs] "It's not about anyone in particular. Certainly not any disgusting, frizzy-headed, porcelain-skinned demigoddess that any of us know."
Ron: "Who on earth - "
Draco: "LEAVE IT ALONE, WEASEL!"
[He leaves.]
Ron: "Well, that was - "
[Draco returns, gesturing to the two of them.]
Draco: "Just be sure to keep this going, would you? Thanks."
[He leaves again.]
Ron: "Well, that was - "
[Draco returns.]
Draco: "Feel free to turn it up a notch, even."
Ron: "What, the relationship?"
Draco: "Yes. Like, be more annoying, if possible. More obnoxious. Just very upsettingly present, in general."
Ron: "Why?"
Draco: "No reason."
[He leaves.]
Ron: "Well - " [He waits expectantly.] "That was - "
[Harry appears.]
Harry: "Did you just see Malfoy?"
Ron: "Yes."
Harry: [excitedly] "Did he admit to being a Death Eater?"
Ron: "I didn't ask."
Harry: "Damn." [He shakes his head, looking disappointed with himself.] "I should've had you ask."
Lavender: "I really feel like he wouldn't tell you, you know, even if he were - "
Harry: [interrupts] "Listen, missy, just because you're practically wearing Ron like this season's latest sequin jumper doesn't mean you get to tell me what to do - "
Ron: "Hold on. Explain the sequins."
Harry: [shrugs] "You're a flashy bloke, mate."
Ron: [pauses, preening] "I am, aren't I?"
Lavender: [sighs] "Listen, I'm not telling you what to do - "
Harry: "You're not?"
Lavender: "No."
Ron: "Are you going to tell me what to do?"
Lavender: "Probably not?"
Ron: [looking concerned] "I may need you to. I'm fairly directionless as a person."
Lavender: [pauses, and then says firmly] "I'll worry about that later."
Ron: "That's probably wise."
Lavender: "At this stage, I'm just glad that this has happened. It makes the whole Gossip Girl thing feel much less humiliating."
Ron: "Gossip Girl?"
Lavender: "Yes." [Curiously] "Did you get a note from her too? About how you liked me, maybe?"
Ron: "I mean, I got a note, but all it said was 'your hair looks stupid' and then - "
Lavender: "Wait, let me see it."
[He takes it out of his pocket and gives it to her. She skims it.]
Lavender: "No." [She sighs.] "This is just a note from Pansy."
Ron: "Oh." [He nods.] "That makes sense."
[Camera cuts to Hermione interview.]
Hermione: "Have I heard from Gossip Girl? No."
Interviewer: "Do you have any idea why not?"
Hermione: "Probably because I've never done anything wrong ever."
Interviewer: "I don't think that's true."
Hermione: [impassively] "Apparently Gossip Girl does."
Interviewer: "Perhaps she's just biding her time."
Hermione: "You sound like you want me to get caught doing something."
Interviewer: "You know, I kind of do."
Hermione: "Is it because I'm an unbearably prissy swot?"
Interviewer: "A little."
Hermione: [shrugging] "Yeah. I get that a lot."
Interviewer: "Well, anyway. You're sure there's nothing she could use against you?"
Hermione: "I guess we'll find out, won't we?" [She looks down, checking her watch.] "Oh, sorry, I have to run."
[She leaves. Scene cuts to Slytherin common room.]
Pansy: "Did you hear about Brown and Weasley? What a disaster."
Daphne: "Truly."
Blaise: "I heard it was Weasel's first kiss, too."
Pansy: "Ugh. That doesn't surprise me."
Theo: "It surprises me! This is boarding school. What has he even been doing since he discovered his dick?"
Daphne: "How do you know he hasn't just discovered it now?"
Theo: [pauses, thinking] "Fair."
Blaise: "Though, you'd think he and Granger would have - "
Draco: [looks up] "Excuse me?"
Blaise: "What?"
Draco: "What are you saying?"
Blaise: "Just that Weasley and Granger might have - "
Draco: [firmly] "No."
Theo: "Or he and Potter, even."
Draco: [nods] "Better. Disgusting, but better."
Daphne: "You really think Weasley swings that way?"
[Camera cuts to Seamus.]
Seamus: Is Ron gay? Probably.
[Camera cuts back to Slytherins.]
Theo: "He doesn't have to swing any particular direction. I'm just saying he might have tried it."
Blaise: "Yeah. I mean, I'm not gay, but my first kiss was Draco."
Theo: "Same."
Pansy: "Same."
Daphne: [slowly] " . . . same, and I'm now finding this worrisome."
Draco: "You all liked it." [He throws a bag over his shoulder.] "Bye, by the way."
Theo: "Where are you going?"
Draco: "To do a thing."
Theo: "What kind of thing?"
Draco: [snottily] "A private thing."
[He leaves, and Theo looks slowly around the room.]
Theo: "Just out of curiosity, how far has everyone gone with Draco?"
Pansy: "Pretty far."
Daphne: "Considerably far."
Blaise: "Too far."
[At this, Theo shakes his head, sighing.]
Theo: "I shouldn't have done this. I feel worse."
[Cuts to film of Harry wandering the corridors.]
Harry: "We're following Malfoy. Look, there he is."
[He points ahead. Draco looks over his shoulder before taking a sharp left.]
Harry: "Hm, odd, I thought he would be going to the Room of Requirement. You know, doing some Death Eater thing - "
[He follows in the direction Draco has disappeared. There is nobody to be seen.]
Harry: "Huh, weird." [He shouts down the corridor] "If you're a Death Eater, clap once!"
[He waits. Nothing happens until Hermione suddenly appears from an alcove, stumbling out as though she has been shoved. Harry catches up to her.]
Harry: "Hermione, what are you doing? I'm trying to follow Malfoy."
Hermione: "Nothing, Harry, nothing." [She glares into the alcove she was just in, adjusting her skirt.] "I was just - "
Harry: [interrupts] "I don't care. I just want to see what Malfoy's getting into."
Hermione: "Into?"
Harry: "Yeah. I want to see what he's got his dirty Death Eater fingerprints all over."
Hermione: [guiltily] "Hm."
Harry: "I mean, if he's penetrating something in the castle - "
Hermione: [making a face] "Oof, Harry. Word choice."
Harry: "If he's inside something, I want to be in it too."
Hermione: "You want to be inside it?"
Harry: "Yes. Just - entirely inside it. Engulfed."
Hermione: "Engulfed. Really."
Harry: "Yep. Just shoved right up in there."
Hermione: "Shoved?"
Harry: "Just - absolutely buried to the hilt in whatever Malfoy's into."
Hermione: [murmuring to herself] "Can this get any worse?"
Harry: [loudly] "Balls deep, really."
Hermione: "Oh good, it can."
Harry: "I'm willing to get a little dirty to do it, too."
Hermione: "What's that, now?"
Harry: "I'm just saying - if there's a back way in, I'll take it."
Hermione: "I'm really not there yet."
Harry: [startled] "What?"
Hermione: [innocently] "What?"
[Cuts to Luna and Severus interview.]
Luna: [tosses popcorn in her mouth] "I think we're friends now."
Severus: "I don't have any friends."
Luna: "You have me. I'm your friend."
Severus: "I don't think I ever agreed to that."
Luna: "There isn't a contract or anything."
Severus: "Then how do you know if someone is your friend?"
[Luna pauses, thinking.]
Luna: "Would you help me move my furniture?"
Severus: "No."
Luna: "Would you have brunch with me?"
Severus: "No."
Luna: "Do you have any interest in my personal life?"
Severus: "No."
Luna: "What about my hopes and dreams?"
Severus: "Absolutely not."
Luna: "Huh." [She pauses.] "I guess we aren't friends, then."
Severus: "Good."
[They sit quietly for a moment.]
Luna: "Popcorn?"
Severus: "Please."
[She offers it to him. They chew quietly.]
Luna: "We're the best."
Severus: "I know."
a/n: I'm v tired I hope it's funny but if not there is always tomorrow. and several days after that . . .
