The Real World: Hogwarts
Episode XVI

Summary: The Real World, continued. Olivie Advent Day 16.


[Scene opens with Lavender and Ron interview.]

Lavender: "I did it! I kissed him."

Ron: "She did."

Lavender: "He's mine now."

Ron: "I am?"

Lavender: [chirpily] "You are."

Ron: "Huh." [He shrugs.] "That seems reasonable."

Interviewer: "Well, how was it?"

Ron: "The kiss? Wet."

Lavender: "Magical!"

Ron: "There's a lot more tongue involved than I expected."

Lavender: "Life changing!"

Ron: "And that's just the mouth stuff."

Lavender: "A BLESSING IN EVERY WAY!"

Ron: "I tell you what, mate, nobody ever spends a lot of time discussing how wet it all is."

Lavender: "To think that someday we'll be able to tell our children!"

Ron: "It's all exceedingly messy."

Lavender: "I could literally feel my dreams coming true - "

Ron: "You hear all the love songs and read all the poems, you know? And yet nobody's ever commented on just how damp the whole situation is."

Lavender: "Speaking of poetry, I really feel like I could write some."

Ron: "And yes, there are some benefits to it, but guess what? Those are wet, too."

Lavender: "Weasleys are red, Lavenders are blue - "

[Draco, who is walking by, stops abruptly.]

Draco: "I'm sorry, what offensive thing did you just begin to recite?"

Lavender: [indignantly] "It's poetry. It's not offensive."

Draco: "I'm offended. My ears are offended. My sensibilities are offended - "

Ron: [rolling his eyes] "Bloody hell."

Draco: " - my very being is offended - "

Lavender: [angrily] "Well, I'd like to see you do any better!"

Draco: "Fine, I will." [He clears his throat.] "That I would gaze upon a face as lovely as a flower; that I would live a thousand days and barely feel an hour; for in your arms, a breath evolves, powerless and fleeting; I'd trade it in, my soul for yours, in wonderment repeating."

[There is a breathless pause.]

Ron: "Holy shit, Malfoy."

Lavender: "That was actually . . . incredibly stirring."

Draco: [shrugs] "It's not about anyone in particular. Certainly not any disgusting, frizzy-headed, porcelain-skinned demigoddess that any of us know."

Ron: "Who on earth - "

Draco: "LEAVE IT ALONE, WEASEL!"

[He leaves.]

Ron: "Well, that was - "

[Draco returns, gesturing to the two of them.]

Draco: "Just be sure to keep this going, would you? Thanks."

[He leaves again.]

Ron: "Well, that was - "

[Draco returns.]

Draco: "Feel free to turn it up a notch, even."

Ron: "What, the relationship?"

Draco: "Yes. Like, be more annoying, if possible. More obnoxious. Just very upsettingly present, in general."

Ron: "Why?"

Draco: "No reason."

[He leaves.]

Ron: "Well - " [He waits expectantly.] "That was - "

[Harry appears.]

Harry: "Did you just see Malfoy?"

Ron: "Yes."

Harry: [excitedly] "Did he admit to being a Death Eater?"

Ron: "I didn't ask."

Harry: "Damn." [He shakes his head, looking disappointed with himself.] "I should've had you ask."

Lavender: "I really feel like he wouldn't tell you, you know, even if he were - "

Harry: [interrupts] "Listen, missy, just because you're practically wearing Ron like this season's latest sequin jumper doesn't mean you get to tell me what to do - "

Ron: "Hold on. Explain the sequins."

Harry: [shrugs] "You're a flashy bloke, mate."

Ron: [pauses, preening] "I am, aren't I?"

Lavender: [sighs] "Listen, I'm not telling you what to do - "

Harry: "You're not?"

Lavender: "No."

Ron: "Are you going to tell me what to do?"

Lavender: "Probably not?"

Ron: [looking concerned] "I may need you to. I'm fairly directionless as a person."

Lavender: [pauses, and then says firmly] "I'll worry about that later."

Ron: "That's probably wise."

Lavender: "At this stage, I'm just glad that this has happened. It makes the whole Gossip Girl thing feel much less humiliating."

Ron: "Gossip Girl?"

Lavender: "Yes." [Curiously] "Did you get a note from her too? About how you liked me, maybe?"

Ron: "I mean, I got a note, but all it said was 'your hair looks stupid' and then - "

Lavender: "Wait, let me see it."

[He takes it out of his pocket and gives it to her. She skims it.]

Lavender: "No." [She sighs.] "This is just a note from Pansy."

Ron: "Oh." [He nods.] "That makes sense."

[Camera cuts to Hermione interview.]

Hermione: "Have I heard from Gossip Girl? No."

Interviewer: "Do you have any idea why not?"

Hermione: "Probably because I've never done anything wrong ever."

Interviewer: "I don't think that's true."

Hermione: [impassively] "Apparently Gossip Girl does."

Interviewer: "Perhaps she's just biding her time."

Hermione: "You sound like you want me to get caught doing something."

Interviewer: "You know, I kind of do."

Hermione: "Is it because I'm an unbearably prissy swot?"

Interviewer: "A little."

Hermione: [shrugging] "Yeah. I get that a lot."

Interviewer: "Well, anyway. You're sure there's nothing she could use against you?"

Hermione: "I guess we'll find out, won't we?" [She looks down, checking her watch.] "Oh, sorry, I have to run."

[She leaves. Scene cuts to Slytherin common room.]

Pansy: "Did you hear about Brown and Weasley? What a disaster."

Daphne: "Truly."

Blaise: "I heard it was Weasel's first kiss, too."

Pansy: "Ugh. That doesn't surprise me."

Theo: "It surprises me! This is boarding school. What has he even been doing since he discovered his dick?"

Daphne: "How do you know he hasn't just discovered it now?"

Theo: [pauses, thinking] "Fair."

Blaise: "Though, you'd think he and Granger would have - "

Draco: [looks up] "Excuse me?"

Blaise: "What?"

Draco: "What are you saying?"

Blaise: "Just that Weasley and Granger might have - "

Draco: [firmly] "No."

Theo: "Or he and Potter, even."

Draco: [nods] "Better. Disgusting, but better."

Daphne: "You really think Weasley swings that way?"

[Camera cuts to Seamus.]

Seamus: Is Ron gay? Probably.

[Camera cuts back to Slytherins.]

Theo: "He doesn't have to swing any particular direction. I'm just saying he might have tried it."

Blaise: "Yeah. I mean, I'm not gay, but my first kiss was Draco."

Theo: "Same."

Pansy: "Same."

Daphne: [slowly] " . . . same, and I'm now finding this worrisome."

Draco: "You all liked it." [He throws a bag over his shoulder.] "Bye, by the way."

Theo: "Where are you going?"

Draco: "To do a thing."

Theo: "What kind of thing?"

Draco: [snottily] "A private thing."

[He leaves, and Theo looks slowly around the room.]

Theo: "Just out of curiosity, how far has everyone gone with Draco?"

Pansy: "Pretty far."

Daphne: "Considerably far."

Blaise: "Too far."

[At this, Theo shakes his head, sighing.]

Theo: "I shouldn't have done this. I feel worse."

[Cuts to film of Harry wandering the corridors.]

Harry: "We're following Malfoy. Look, there he is."

[He points ahead. Draco looks over his shoulder before taking a sharp left.]

Harry: "Hm, odd, I thought he would be going to the Room of Requirement. You know, doing some Death Eater thing - "

[He follows in the direction Draco has disappeared. There is nobody to be seen.]

Harry: "Huh, weird." [He shouts down the corridor] "If you're a Death Eater, clap once!"

[He waits. Nothing happens until Hermione suddenly appears from an alcove, stumbling out as though she has been shoved. Harry catches up to her.]

Harry: "Hermione, what are you doing? I'm trying to follow Malfoy."

Hermione: "Nothing, Harry, nothing." [She glares into the alcove she was just in, adjusting her skirt.] "I was just - "

Harry: [interrupts] "I don't care. I just want to see what Malfoy's getting into."

Hermione: "Into?"

Harry: "Yeah. I want to see what he's got his dirty Death Eater fingerprints all over."

Hermione: [guiltily] "Hm."

Harry: "I mean, if he's penetrating something in the castle - "

Hermione: [making a face] "Oof, Harry. Word choice."

Harry: "If he's inside something, I want to be in it too."

Hermione: "You want to be inside it?"

Harry: "Yes. Just - entirely inside it. Engulfed."

Hermione: "Engulfed. Really."

Harry: "Yep. Just shoved right up in there."

Hermione: "Shoved?"

Harry: "Just - absolutely buried to the hilt in whatever Malfoy's into."

Hermione: [murmuring to herself] "Can this get any worse?"

Harry: [loudly] "Balls deep, really."

Hermione: "Oh good, it can."

Harry: "I'm willing to get a little dirty to do it, too."

Hermione: "What's that, now?"

Harry: "I'm just saying - if there's a back way in, I'll take it."

Hermione: "I'm really not there yet."

Harry: [startled] "What?"

Hermione: [innocently] "What?"

[Cuts to Luna and Severus interview.]

Luna: [tosses popcorn in her mouth] "I think we're friends now."

Severus: "I don't have any friends."

Luna: "You have me. I'm your friend."

Severus: "I don't think I ever agreed to that."

Luna: "There isn't a contract or anything."

Severus: "Then how do you know if someone is your friend?"

[Luna pauses, thinking.]

Luna: "Would you help me move my furniture?"

Severus: "No."

Luna: "Would you have brunch with me?"

Severus: "No."

Luna: "Do you have any interest in my personal life?"

Severus: "No."

Luna: "What about my hopes and dreams?"

Severus: "Absolutely not."

Luna: "Huh." [She pauses.] "I guess we aren't friends, then."

Severus: "Good."

[They sit quietly for a moment.]

Luna: "Popcorn?"

Severus: "Please."

[She offers it to him. They chew quietly.]

Luna: "We're the best."

Severus: "I know."


a/n: I'm v tired I hope it's funny but if not there is always tomorrow. and several days after that . . .