Chapter 54 – Regrets

It was a tiny 6x8 room that featured gray, bare cement walls and floor. There were bunk beds against one wall and a toilet in the corner. The rest of the room was open space and so cold looking. The guard had escorted her back to her cell and Eva wrapped her arms around herself as she sank down onto the bottom bunk bed. She was thankful that she was considered too dangerous to have a roommate so at least she could wallow in her own self-pity without anyone irritating her.

As she sat there staring at the floor, Eva found herself struggling with emotions she didn't even know she could still feel. She had been trained by one of the best KGB agents which meant that she had been programmed not to allow herself to feel anything for anyone. On top of that, he just happened to be her father. Now, she found herself struggling to adhere to that training. As much as she tried to deny it, she couldn't help but feel a little guilty about how things had turned out. She didn't have a lot of choices though. There was so much at stake. She had convinced herself to not to allow her emotions to get into the way. Some days were easier than others though.

It seemed like only yesterday when her superiors had instructed her to fly to Italy. Her assignment was to meet a man named Angelo and convince him to travel back to Russia with her so he could share his knowledge of ESP with them. It should have been such an easy task. She knew that most men found her beautiful and usually they would do anything to please her. She had been so certain that this would be an easy assignment, and she would soon be back home. In her mind, she believed that she would be rewarded well for completing the mission so quickly. Maybe she would even finally gain her freedom and her life back.

All those visions quickly crumbled after she met Angelo. He wasn't like any man she had ever known. At first, her plan went perfectly. When she first arrived in Italy, she had made her way to the University. She had enough information to know where he spent his time there. It hadn't been hard to rush around the hallway corner at just the right moment and smack into him. The impact slammed them both to the floor with her landing on top of him. She couldn't apologize enough for knocking him over and asked him if there was anything she could do to help him. He suggested that getting off from him would be a good start. She jumped up while acting embarrassed and then began apologizing again. He pointed out that they were both unharmed and then he started to continue on his way. As soon as she realized she was losing him, she began a loud wailing cry. It worked perfectly since he immediately stopped and asked her what was wrong. She explained that she had applied for a position at the University. She had just found out that she didn't get the job and that was why she hadn't been paying attention to where she was going when she smacked into him. She whined as she told him how desperately she needed a job, but no one seemed to want to hire her. He asked her if she could type. In between sobs, she managed to confirm that she was a good typist and could do shorthand too. Angelo told her that he could use a research assistant if she was interested. Eva had been staring at the floor while she put on her act, but now she looked up at him in amazement. She couldn't believe how easily he had fallen for her performance. She never expected him to offer her a job that quickly. Her plan had worked perfectly.

She soon realized that the rest of the plan would take much more work and so much more time. His first love was science and he seemed reluctant to cheat on that by spending time with her. After dropping hints for days that she would love to go out with him, she finally gave up and asked him out for a cup of coffee. After that, they began to go out on dinner dates. He would listen to her babble on about her day while he seemed to always have a far away look in his eyes. She knew he almost never gave his full attention to her. Sometimes she would convince him to talk about his work and he would immediately become very animated. He never told her anything that the KGB would be interested in though, so she could only sit and pretend to be interested while trying not to fall asleep.

Then one day, as she was alone in Angelo's office, this very tall, handsome man entered her world. He was the complete opposite of Angelo in every way from their looks to their personalities. While Angelo was a stuffy intellectual, Lee was adventurous, spontaneous and fun. Right away, she could feel a spark that she had never felt when she was with Angelo. She didn't originally plan on getting involved with Lee. After all, it was important that she finish her assignment quickly so she could prove her loyalty and earn herself a chance for a new life. There was so much more at stake and she didn't have time for another man in her life.

Lee was persistent though. He had insisted that she go out to dinner with him and she found it hard to say no even though she had just met him. He made her laugh while creating an electric atmosphere around him. When she mentioned him to one of her superiors later, she found out his true identity. Her heart sank knowing he was on the opposite side. After a short debate, the KGB decided that she was in a perfect position to keep an eye on this hot shot spy. So, they ordered her to start spending time with him. She had reluctantly agreed since she knew she didn't have a choice. She hoped that it might ultimately make Angelo jealous which would speed things up and allow her to return to her home. The plan backfired though because nothing seemed to concern Angelo. His work always came first while everything else was secondary, including her. In the meantime, Eva found herself falling in love with Lee.

She had never met anyone like Lee before. He was charming, spontaneous, undisciplined and so full of life. He made her time in Italy so much fun. As much as she wished things could be different, she had to keep reminding herself that she was only there to complete this assignment. Lee just happened to be an ill timed distraction. The longer this assignment took, the harder it would be for her to plead her case to the KGB and to her father. So she began pushing Angelo for marriage. She knew that Angelo was an honorable man. If she could convince him to marry her, she would have better leverage at getting him to agree to go to Moscow with her.

Soon, marriage became a topic that came up daily. By that time, Eva had told Angelo about Lee in hopes that he would feel threatened that Lee might whisk her away from him. She even told Angelo what Lee did for a living. Angelo's only response was that he didn't want to hear anything more about Lee. Eva knew that she needed to change tactics after that. She simply would pretend to be too busy for their normal dates. She also began acting like working for him was just a job and that she no longer had a personal interest in him. Slowly as the days went by, she could see that she was wearing Angelo down. The days seemed to drag on though without a marriage proposal and she was beginning to feel desperate as the KGB was losing their patience with her. They had expected results and she was failing miserably. She knew that her father would be informed of this failure. She also knew that the KGB would consider it to be his failure too. That made the situation even more direr.

After weeks of having no success, Eva had decided that she would need to give up on the idea of marrying Angelo. She would simply have to find another way to convince him to move to Russia. It would be harder to control him without being married to him, but she had no other choice. So it came as a huge surprise the day Angelo pulled out a ring and proposed to her. As her heart beat wildly, she shouted yes. She would marry him as she rushed to embrace him and kiss him passionately. Angelo kissed her back while hugging her tightly to him. After a few minutes, he gently pushed her away and suggested that they get married right away. She told him that she would begin planning the marriage immediately. He confessed that he had loved her for a long time, but was afraid. She assured him that she would take care of him and that she would be the best wife ever. He nodded in agreement and then went back to his desk to continue studying the documents in front of him.

Eva was too excited that he had proposed to allow herself to dwell on how he had dismissed her that day. He hadn't even taken time to put the ring on her finger. It just didn't matter at that moment though because her dreams were finally coming true. Then she remembered that she had told Lee that she would meet him at the café for brunch. She hurried to the café and rushed in all out of breath. Lee stood up with a questioning look on his face, but before he could say anything, she held up her finger so he could see the ring and blurted out the big announcement. The deflated look on his face told the story of how he really felt about her. If only things could have been different. If only they could have been on the same side. Later she found out that he had taken a flight back to the states the next day. It was for the best as she still had so much work to do. After all, she still needed to convince Angelo to go to work for the Russians and she knew that he would fight her every step of the way.

As she suspected, Angelo didn't want to leave Italy to move to Russia. His family was in Italy and he didn't want to leave them. Eva had done everything she could to keep Angelo away from his family over the past few months. She knew his brother would have a huge influence on him. In the end, she was able to cause Angelo and Frankie to fight about everything. When Frankie began trying to tell Angelo how to live his life, it caused him to stubbornly decide to take the Russians' offer just to spite his brother. Once there, he began refusing to cooperate with the Russians. He didn't want to share his ESP theories with them beyond the basic teachings that he had conducted at the university. Eva begged him to reconsider. If Angelo would give the Russians what they wanted, they would pay him well. Then they could have the life and family that she had told him about in her dreams. Angelo ignored her and complained miserably about how the Russians treated him. He also was not happy with the evil plans they had for his research. Once again, Eva saw all her hard work unraveling. Angelo became more stubborn and determined than ever about refusing to share his knowledge with the Russians. He had become very vocal against the Russians. To save their reputation, they silenced him by sending him to jail. When that didn't change his mind, they pretended to torture and kill Eva.

When the KGB realized that Angelo had escaped from their prison and was heading for the United States, they demanded that Eva follow him. She knew it was her only chance to regain the opportunity that she had lost when Angelo refused to cooperate. She also realized that it was unlikely for her to be able to avoid Lee. She was certain though that any feelings she had for him were long gone. She soon found out that she was wrong. As soon as he opened that door and their eyes connected, all the memories of the time spent with this man resurfaced. She still loved him. She tried to convince herself that it wasn't true. It was just her mind making her think she still loved him. She began making excuses to herself why she thought she still had such intense feelings for him. Maybe it was because he was pushing her away from him so hard or maybe it was because there seemed to be something going on between him and Amanda or maybe she just missed him. Regardless of the reason, she found it hard to look at him and not want him still. That night when he interrupted her call to the KGB, she had convinced him to go to the living room to talk. As she faced her former lover, she realized that she would have given anything for him to swoop her up into his arms and make love to her all night like he had done in Venice. She pleaded with him to tell her how he really felt. The heat of the moment was so intense and she found herself wrapped in his arms as he kissed her passionately. In the end, he had been the voice of reason, the one who had put the brakes on as he pushed her away. Being a man of honor, he would not betray Angelo who was asleep in the other room or jeopardize his job by having an affair with a married woman. Instead, he had agreed to talk while they sat at opposite ends of the couch. Listening to him made her regret leading him on. She had known that she couldn't have a life with him back then, but he had made her feel so much more alive than Angelo ever did. She couldn't continue to dwell on it though. It was her assignment. It was her own stupidity that she had ever allowed herself to fall in love with Lee.

She shuddered as she thought about trying to kill him at the used car lot. She hadn't wanted to hurt him. It was the last thing she would have ever done, but he kept trying to use her memories against her. Lee was sure that he could use her emotions to stop her from fulfilling her assignment. He left her no choice, but to try to stop him. There was so much more at stake. She didn't want to kill him, but she needed to show the KGB where her loyalty was. If word got back that she had helped Lee stop the agents, she would have no chance of ever being safe. She knew first hand how dangerous this game was and just how much was at stake. Unfortunately, she realized too late that Amanda must have removed the bullets from the gun. The anger on Lee's face as he realized that she really tried to shoot him would haunt her for the rest of her life. If only he knew the truth, maybe he would have understood. Maybe, he could have even helped her. No, no one could help her. She had stumbled into this deep, dark hole on her own and she alone would have to find a way out.

The surprises never ended though. She had no idea that Angelo would come to the jail to see her just now. She certainly didn't expect him to bring his niece. Maybe she should have told him what he wanted to know. She just couldn't though. Angelo was a good man and he didn't deserve anything that had happened to him in the past two years. If he insisted on finding out the truth about his brother, he could get killed. Eva could only hope that by refusing to help him, he would give up. His niece worried Eva. She had a feistiness that her uncle lacked. Eva was sure that Francesca would be persistent in her determination to find out what happened to her father. Watching Angelo and observing the true sadness that showed in his face and his body language, Eva fought the feelings of regret and guilt that threatened to surface. Her operative training had taught her not to have those emotions, but deep down, she was a woman. As a woman, she couldn't help but regret that Angelo had suffered so much because of her. It was only because of her weakness to fight against the KGB and her father that Angelo continued to endure such sadness. Maybe she should tell him what he wanted to know. Maybe it was the least she could do after all she put him through. If he were to be killed though, would she ever forgive herself? If she did tell him and the KGB found out, would she have any chance of ever seeing her child again? She laid down on the bed in a fetal position. No matter which path she took, it seemed that she would continue to have regrets.

TBC