Quinn was quiet today more than usual. She felt off. Waking up to both her girls was nice, and she made them both breakfast before Rachel left. She smiled to her, but her smile didn't reach her eyes. Instead she went about cleaning the kitchen, avoiding Santana. The blonde really wasn't ready to talk about that insecurity that had popped its little head up. She loved sex with the girls, but recently she felt like she was making them do something for her instead of her really pleasing them even if she did give them orgasms. She felt guilty for feeling like… well, a man.

Santana was going stir crazy in the apartment. She had gone to the grocery, visited the theater, and gone to coffee with Rachel but this lack of modeling work, getting out and seeing other people was making her more than a little edgy. Quinn had made them all breakfast and they had kissed Rachel goodbye on her way out, but now Quinn seemed to be cleaning and stuff. Santana was feeling needy and a little alone.

Walking into the kitchen, Santana put her right hand on Quinn's waist and hugged her body close against her back. "Hey, baby. Thanks for making breakfast."

Santana kissed the blonde's shoulder and slowly worked her way up to her neck, the fingers of her non-casted arm gently stroking the skin at her hip. "If you keep making all the food, I'm going to forget how to make anything other than cereal and peanut butter snadwiches."

Quinn snorted slightly at that, shaking her head. "I like cooking," she whispered in reply. "It relaxes me and gives me something else to focus on. And you know how to cook, you made that guacamole dip that one time. And I'm pretty sure you can cook up some awesome mexican food or something like that." She smiled, but stopped as she felt Santana's hand on her stomach. Quinn swallowed a little.

"I can cook a few things." Santana smiled appreciating the closeness of their bodies and not feeling as alone today, but the smile dimmed as she felt Quinn stiffen against her. "What else has your focus, baby?"

"A lot of things," Quinn replied, trying to stay calm rather than moving away from Santana. She wanted this attention, but only as long as Santana didn't slide her hands down. "I'm busy with work, having to keep her hard for hours on end. On top of that, I have to worry about trying to nab more modeling gigs and keep them interested." She lied mostly, knowing she wasn't looking for the companies like Santana was. Quinn was just trying to avoid the conversation.

Santana licked at Quinn's pulse point simply wanting to taste her skin. Almost of their own accord, her fingers resumed lovingly stroking Quinn's stomach sliding against her waist band.

"We can talk to the costumers about padding and creating the illusion of a bulge if you want." Santana kissed her way up the blonde's neck nuzzling her hair. "Pretty sure I can take your mind off work, baby."

Quinn opened her eyes then, pulling away from Santana. "I'm okay," she stated, feeling flustered then. She looked away from the Latina, not being able to meet her eyes. "I'm fine…" Quinn felt a sense of shame wash over her, her eyes darting around for a minute. She squeezed her eyes shut tight, rubbing her eyes then.

Santana stood there feeling the full force of Quinn's withdrawal. Her throat and stomach clenched as confusion settled over her alongside a healthy dose of rejection.

"Did I do something?" Fear twisted inside her, but she wasn't backing down yet pride be damned. "Because if you are fine, I'm a smurf and frankly I don't look good in powder blue."

Quinn stopped then, looking at Santana. "No, baby," she replied quickly. "I just don't… Look, I can't keep asking for that. It seems like I always ask for something." The blonde sighed and rubbed her forehead gently. She sighed, closing her eyes tightly. "I feel like I'm dependant on it." Quinn looked down at the ground, rubbing her palms against her thighs. "I just a lot of shame after. Like I've forced you or Rachel to do something for me."

"Dependent on sex?" Santana arched her brow high at the blonde. Confusion was slowly being stirred with the rejection, and a bit of anger was pulling up the rear. It was an ugly combination in someone already on edge over her arm and not getting out of the apartment frequently enough.

"Be really careful here, Fabray. Don't use the word shame after sex stuff with me and Rachel. It makes it sound ugly, like I'm a whore or causing you shame. I've been called worse, but don't with Rachel." Santana hated feeling this way. She was good at sex and she liked it. That was even more true with Rachel and Quinn, pleasing them, being pleased by them drew them all closer together. It made her feel alive, protected, more intimate, and close to them.

Taking in a slow breath, she shook her head. "I don't know how to explain it," she whispered. "I feel like I don't give you both enough and you're always focusing on me. Or if we're having sex, it's usually fucking. I always feel like it's me being extremely needy and that's kind of bothersome to me. I don't always ask for it, because I feel weird almost begging for it."

"Are you kidding me?" Santana barked out before she could stop herself. Turning her head away, she steadied her breathing and tried again. "It's not usually fucking because that implies that there are no feelings while we have sex. Regardless of how hard or soft it is, we are connected and that makes it always mean more."

Santana pinched the bridge of her nose. "Baby, I want you all the time. You and Rachel. I enjoy sex with you … a lot. In fact, I think I was the one propositioning you just now. Either of you could crook you finger and I would be crawling to you. I want you and I want sex. There is no greater feeling for me than getting you off or teasing you until you either beg or jut take me. I fucking love it."

Lifting her palms upward, she blew out a frustrated breath not sure what else she could say.

Quinn flinched at Santana's outburst, her eyes squeezing shut for just a second. She steadied herself, listening to Santana speak. Why did it always happen like this to her? Why couldn't she just grasp that Santana and Rachel wanted her both ways whether it being her asking or them asking? The blonde closed her eyes again, rubbing her own cheeks for a second. "I get scared that you're just repaying me for something I've done. I get scared that you're just doing this to just please me. I'm not my father, I know, but I get scared I'm like him sometimes because my mother would drop to her knees in an instant for him. The moment he grabbed her in any way or she approached him when he was angry, they were in the bedroom. I don't want to feel like I'm asking for something without realizing it." The blonde looked down at the ground then, her heart clenching slightly. "I don't know how to tell if you're pleasing me or just wanting to have sex."

"You are not that man in any way and more neither Rachel or I are your mother." Santana's nose flared angrily at the comparison. "Here's the deal, I want you to ask me for what you want. I want to be able to ask you for what I want, because I love you and because you are my girlfriend and part of that is appreciating each other's body."

"I don't understand. Do you think I am approaching just because I want sex? I do have a hand - only one at this point, but I can get myself off." Santana shook her head. "You confuse me. On one hand you are upset because you don't want to feel like you are asking us to do things we don't want to do and on another, you aren't sure I don't just want you for sex?"

"I DON'T KNOW!" Quinn suddenly replied, her hands raising up slightly. "Even after three years of having sex, I really don't fucking know how to deal with it. I don't know if I'm acting out sexual positions for the hell of it to please either of you so you don't leave me or whether I'm being demanding and needy for attention because I'm still that 16 year old girl who cowers in her room so she can hide from the beatings and the words of being this disgusting creature who doesn't have a place in this world." Quinn flexed her hands then, pressing them to her forehead. She squeezed her eyes shut then, wanting to curl up in a ball and cry.

"Baby. Quinn. Look at me." Santana called out to the blonde but didn't really wait for her to open her eyes. "We aren't going to leave you if you don't want sex, but I sure as hell don't want you to think I am taking advantage of you and using you for sex either."

Santana blew out a breath wanting to touch Quinn but afraid to make that move. "You are not disgusting. You are absolutely beautiful. And you have a place in this world and it's right fucking here with Rachel and me. Never again will you be by yourself cowering in a corner because we have you. We have you for the rest of our lies because we love you. Just you for the beautiful, passionate, loving person you are."

Quinn felt overwhelmed. She felt like whimpering or just running from the spot, but she couldn't, she was drawn instinctively to Santana. The blonde knew she would be protected in any way. Opening her eyes, she stepped forward to the Latina and just slipped her arms around her. "I still feel like that 16 year old girl who hides," she whispered, pressing her face into the Latina's neck. "I act on impulse, giving myself to you and Rachel, but then feel like I did something wrong. Like I need to escape before I'm chased down with a belt or a fist. I'm still scared. I don't want to be, but I am. I love being with either of you and sharing that side with you."

Santana felt her body tense when Quinn's breath hit her neck. Willing herself to relax, she wrapped her arms around the blonde's shoulders holding her lightly against her not really sure what to do with her hand and being extra careful with her cast. "I've got you. You're safe. He will never hurt you like that again. Not ever." Santana's voice was authoritative and firm. Russell Fabray would never touch her like that again.

"Giving yourself to us, pleasuring us and receiving pleasure will never be wrong. What we have is a loving relationship where we express ourselves with words, with gentle touches, and with our bodies."

The blonde was quiet, holding onto her gently. "I love you," she whispered. "I don't want to be scared anymore. I just want to be here with both of you." Pressing her face a little more into her neck, she breathed her in. "I'm sorry I'm weak. I don't want to be."

"I love you. I'll protect you. I've got you." Santana whispered over and over again as she gently stroked Quinn's back. "You aren't weak. You've overcome so much, baby. And you are never going to be alone again. I promise."

"I'm a fucking mess, Lopez," she stated, holding onto her. "I'm not really high school Quinn anymore. I'm the girl who barely survives. I'm the girl who snapped to the point of trying to cut myself almost to death. I'm the girl who would go cower in a corner." Quinn pulled back, looking at the ground. "I felt alive and real for a week with you two with no worries. I didn't want to come back because then I would have to face this. I wasn't ready to. I couldn't even sleep before we left."

"You got a point in there somewhere, Fabray?" Santana had no idea what to say. No matter how supportive she tried to be, Quinn seemed to come back to this place. One second they were fine and the next Quinn would circle back to something that shouldn't be an issue at all. "You might think it's barely, but you are surviving, baby. One step at a fucking time you are surviving."

Quinn looked at Santana through her lashes, eyeing her face. "I'm doing my best. I just feel like I keep dropping down two notches after I've gained one," she whispered, looking down at the ground again. "I wish I could just get over it and move on. I want to be in the here and now. I want to enjoy sex with my girlfriends and not feel like I should cower right after."

"I … I don't know how to help you. I love you and there is nothing wrong with wanting to have sex with us in whatever way we choose to have sex." Santana shrugged her shoulders. "I'll keep saying it, but you have to find a way to believe it. Rachel and I love you - all of you, and I don't know how else to say it."

The blonde stepped forward then, her hand coming up to cup her cheek. Quinn finally let a few tears slip, letting Santana see her cry. Leaning into her, she kissed her softly and just kept their lips connected. She didn't want sex. She just wanted to kissed and shown how much Santana cared.

Santana eyes slid closed, her head tilting into Quinn's hand on her cheek. Her right thumb swiped at the tears falling down Quinn's face as her left arm dropped uselessly by her side.

"I've got you. I'm not letting go." Santana whispered accepting Quinn's soft kiss, letting her lead them through it almost afraid to make any move but wanting more than anything to be there for her girlfriend.

Quinn wrapped her arms around Santana's neck, kissing her swiftly. She pulled their bodies flush against each other. The blonde was quiet, simply basking in the kiss with her girlfriend. Running a hand into Santana's hair, she slipped her tongue into her mouth to slide it against the Latina's. She pulled back then and looked at Santana quietly for just a moment. "I love you. There's no place I'd rather be than right here with you. I'm sorry I pulled back when you made a move."

Santana's right hand trailed gently down Quinn's side to rest lightly at her waist as she accepted more of the kiss and the feel of Quinn pressing their bodies together. She inhaled sharply when Quinn's tongue slid across her and willed her body to not react too much, to not respond fully as she would normally do.

"I love you too, baby. You and Rachel are my world." Santana held her gaze with a slight smile on her face before shrugging to the last part of the statement. It was okay for Quinn to pull away from her if she wasn't in the mood or whatever, but this reason, the reason of feeling somehow ashamed of after they expressed themselves sexually, that made Santana feel exceptionally uneasy and unsure.

"Please just give me some time to figure this out. I know I have an issue. There has to be a way to get over it and not feel like that after sharing anything sexual with either of you two," she stated softly, stroking her cheek. Quinn leaned in then, pressing her forehead to Santana's. "I promise I can get over it. I just need a couple of days. I just have to do it like I did my father before. I had to basically push my father out of my mind then. I have to push this fear out of my mind too."

"I'm not going anywhere, Quinn. You have to know that." Santana shifted anxiously from foot to foot, eyes sliding closed. Anger was burning low in her stomach, not at the woman standing in front of her but at that retched excuse of a sperm donor that made this beautiful woman in spite of himself. "Please please don't bring your father up and into your head when we are together. I want to kill him on a good day and torture and make him wish for death on the others."

Quinn nodded to Santana, kissing her cheek as she hugged her. "I wish I could just have him thrown in jail," she stated softly, closing her eyes. Pressing her face into Santana's neck, she hugged her again. She could feel that Santana wasn't entirely comfortable, but she knew she caused that. Silently, she pulled back and offered a small smile before she moved away. God, now she felt like shit with even admitting anything to her. Quinn was quiet as she headed back to the bedroom, escaping into the bathroom to try and relax though she knew she wouldn't be able to.

"I'm sorry." Santana whispered to the empty room after Quinn retreated. She couldn't go after her. Not yet. Not when she didn't have the faintest idea what else to do or say.

Walking to the couch, the Latina flopped down putting her head in her hand as tears began to flow freely down her face. She had held them at bay for as long as she could, but with Quinn in the other room now there was no stopping. This whole thing had come out of the blue to her. She didn't really understand what had happened, just that it seemingly had been happening for a while.

From what she had gotten, every time they had been intimate afterward Quinn had felt sick and withdrawn. Had she missed signs? Had she been so blindsided by the level of affection that she just didn't see it? It made her physically ill to think that when they had made love, Quinn had afterward felt shame as if what they had done was wrong.

The apartment was closing in on her further but Santana knew she couldn't leave. Grabbing her phone, she texted Rachel to give her the heads up perhaps to get some advice.