Okay enough moping now, time to clear the head. Laying in bed and forcing myself to eat a protein bar and sipping some water has left me lethargic and in even fouler mood then I was in to start.

I force myself in the shower, I force myself to get dressed, I force down a sandwich and a bottle of water and I force myself out in the fresh air.

I take the trail up the bluffs, the air is crisp and clean. Morning dampness clings to the low lying leaves, the earth under my feet is soft and covers the sounds of my footfalls. I hear the birds in the trees and the small animals in the brush. The trees covering the path give way to reveal a perfect and rare clear sky.

The water below is calm, and the rock beneath me is cold and hard. Deep breaths taking in the serenity I finally let myself think about what I haven't been. For days I noticed things around me, sounds, how the blanket felt, just laid there counting my breaths to assure myself I was still in fact alive. Now I open the flood gates.

Every fact Emmett told me, every story he shared with me, every touch and sound as we made love. The laughter as we did, the intensity of other times. All of it, I would replay it over and over again, letting the tears fall until I am numb. Eventually the numbness I am looking for comes from a bottle of Jack I found in the cabinet.

The numbness only lasts as long as I am passed out. Then it is all back full force.

I nurse my hang over with water and fresh air. I nurse my heart with just keeping the good memories in the front of my mind.

I could have stayed, I could have had five more days of memories to add. But I couldn't bring myself to do it, I couldn't bare to hear the words from him.

"I know we had some fun but yeah, I can't be tied down."

Yup wasn't sticking around for that convo.

Ten days later it didn't hurt any less, but I was getting good at faking it. I made trips into town, I interacted with a few of the locals in the sleepy little fishing town. I use the trips into town as a test of sorts. Seeing if a guy can function and appear normal without a heart. So far it would seem the answer is yes, amazingly enough.