Author's note:
revanninja: Damian sounds like a pretty complex character to write. Fun too. I'll have to have a look at him.
Chapter 52.
I don't want to talk about what the next few days were like for me. I really don't want to remember them. A lot of sleeping. A lot of pain. A lot of people yelling at me when I was awake. Some light food. More sleeping. Snuggles with Starfire while I worried about how much more trouble I was going to get into when she woke. Didn't seem like all the yelling everyone did, or glaring in Bruce's case, would compare with her reckoning.
Everyone had a chance to air their grievances with me. Bruce was first, of course, barley controlled anger, voice deep and gruff, restrained only because Starfire slept beside me. Raven's anger came in how brusque she was in treating me. Beast Boy, well, not so much, because he admitted he'd probably have done the same thing if it was Raven. Cyborg… wow… he's never glared so much at me, yelled and swore and punched the wall, then admitted he felt like it was his fault because he was the one that said the baby was gone, when it wasn't. I wouldn't have gone off of I'd known.
I beat myself up over it. Of course I did. My brain kept on nagging at me, coughing up the stupidity of my actions. I nearly lost everything. I nearly lost her.
Trouble with Tamaranian healing sleep is that she does wake. Just enough to check that she's safe before she drifts away again. Which means, if I'm not here for one of those micro-wakeups, she's going to force herself out of the sleep to find me. So I was bedridden.
Made it very boring when I could last a few hours awake. As 'Alfred justice' I had to endure those few hours reading The Art of War. Again. In Chinese.
I made sure to stay in physical contact with Starfire as much as possible, mostly platonic stuff of course, but I'm pretty sure there was probably some sleeping groping. My leg against hers. My hand on her hip. Plastered against her back as I slept. The contact would work just as well for her as the healing sleep.
After about two days of The Art of War, Wally, Beast Boy, Cyborg and Tim took pity on me and set me up with a TV set and game console on wheels. They even had marathon gaming sessions, albeit quietly, on my massive bed so I could join in, or fall asleep if needed.
Everyone always made sure to knock before they entered my room, in case Starfire was uncovered so she could gather energy from the sun. Not that Starfire would care if people saw her naked, they'd probably care more, but I didn't want people to see her naked.
As the story went, Dick Grayson and his girlfriend Kory, had a car accident on the road to Gotham City and were now recovering in some undisclosed private hospital along with Tim. Some of the press were trying to portray some sort of cover-up or conspiracy since Dick Grayson's apartment building had some sort of gas fire which resulted in mass evacuation. Most papers claimed someone was out to get Bruce Wayne, rather than targeting me. A claim which Bruce charismatically rebuffed.
There were only two reported deaths in the fire in our apartment building, Mr Watson and his puppy dog, Fluffykins. Most of the others had been at work, or escaped, due to the fire alarm going off. There was a debate going as to whether it was Gretchen, who still couldn't recover those missing hours, or Jason who pulled the fire alarm.
There had been another gas leak and subsequent explosion in Bludhaven on the same day. An empty apartment block exploded, which was leading the various gas and power companies in Bludhaven to recheck all their lines to see if there were any other faults.
Can and Hackle, after giving a clean bill of health by the Justice League, had their memories altered. They were both given false memories by J'onn, at Batman's behest. I wasn't sure I liked that, but I knew why Bruce'd asked for that. All knowledge that Nightwing and Dick Grayson were the same people were wiped, but everything else remained the same. They'd been taken from their homes, kept as hostages and Nightwing had saved them, injuring himself in the process, but he'd since been seen swinging through Bludhaven, Bruce in disguise, so no one was worried.
Hence, no one believed Blockbuster's crazed ranting in his cell about Dick and Nightwing or the giant moth which ate him that used to be this little squiggly worm. Especially when his ranting suddenly changed to include a monster green bear, a metallic robot and a demon with glowing eyes that visited him late one night.
I missed Roger's memorial. I wanted to go, but I wasn't well enough. Killed in the line of duty, his poor widow. His death hurt, like no other I had experienced before. He'd been a friend of Dick's, killed because Dick and Nightwing were one and the same. I don't think I could ever come to terms with that.
Starfire's absence had been explained by a global diplomatic emergency conveniently provided for by the Justice League, which as Bruce told it, Galfore had gone to her work to explain, offering his services as a replacement translator only until she returned, something Captain Burke had quite quickly agreed to. I think he felt intimidated by Galfore, not wanting to upset him at all.
Galfore came to the Manor every day, just to check on Starfire and inspect my battle injuries. He wasn't the least bit concerned about what I had done, even mentioning in front of Bruce that I should have beheaded Blockbuster and offered to show me how it was done. Bruce was quite quick to go through the rules of Earth again.
Raven came every day too, looking healthier every time she visited. She now had a nice little bump going. She refused to heal me, or even accelerate a little. Fair enough. She'd been doing it a lot. She did say she'd accelerate once Starfire was awake, the bullet wounds and knife wounds and some of the bruising on my face, not all, and not the broken wrist. Work would need evidence I'd been in an accident.
I wasn't sure what I was going to do about living arrangements. It hurt that our apartment had just gone like that. I had insurance, of course, but I'd spend ages doing that place up. It was the only real thing I had that was mine alone. No Bruce money had been used to purchase it. I mourned its loss keenly.
I wasn't even really sure I wanted to stay in Bludhaven after that.
I hated that someone, coughJasoncough, had given away so much of me that Blockbuster could come after the things I cared about the most. Starfire. Haley's Circus. The people in my apartment block. Rogers.
I still wanted to help the city though. And I wasn't going to make the decision alone. Starfire and I, we were in this together.
You know, lying next to a beautiful, naked woman with a catheter in, is torture. And as embarrassing as it is to have your sister remove that kind of thing, I was glad when she finally decided it was time to stop torturing me and said it could come out and I could get up and move around. Made me wish I was Tamaranian and could just switch off those sorts of things as needed. Not to mention just being able to sleep through injuries. That'd be nice.
I promised Starfire I'd be there when she woke and I intended to keep that promise, no matter how long she decided to sleep this time. I only left the vicinity of the bed long enough to use the bathroom. Still, we had a lot of visitors.
Wally rapped on the door. "She covered, dude?"
I bookmarked The Art of War and flipped up the blanket so Starfire was decent. "Yup."
Wally thrust open the door with a bang, Cyborg and Beast Boy strutting in after him, carrying an assortment of snacks while Conner pushed Tim through, a tray of soda's on his lap.
"Dude," Beast Boy announced. "Gaming session."
I lifted an eyebrow. "As opposed to the one we had yesterday?"
"Yup."
"Sometimes, I think you only love me for my huge bed and TV."
"That's right, dude," Wally answered. "Get used to it."
"How's sleeping beauty today?" Beast Boy asked as he and Cyborg fussed with the computer console.
"Still out," I said, glancing down at her and then rested my hand on her shoulder. "Same teams?"
"Yup," Cyborg said. "I think it was yours and Wally's turn to sit out."
I lifted an eyebrow. "So, you're going to crash into my room, use my stuff, and I have to watch?"
"Yup," Beast Boy said.
"Dude, I don't need to be lifted out of the wheelchair," Tim complained as Conner bridal carried him to the bed, leaving the wheelchair out of the way.
Wally elbowed me. "Remind you of someone?"
"They, in no way, resemble us," I said. "You prefer to jump on my back."
"Vampirates III?" Cyborg asked, looking at the various games.
"Sounds good," Wally said, rearranging my pillows so he could sit with his back to the headboard.
And so began epic gaming marathon number three.
I was glad for their presence. They broke up my day, made it less quiet. Made things fun for a while. Of course, all of them made snarky comments every now and then about working as a team and not going off alone, but that was okay. I deserved it.
"Dude, go wide," Beast Boy said.
"How far?" Cyborg asked.
"Come round behind, we'll double team Tim."
"That's what she said," Wally quipped.
"Innuendo for the win," I laughed.
"In-your-end-o," Beast Boy cheeked. "You're the ones who gay prom all over the place."
"Don't like it, don't look," I said.
"We can't help it if we're ridiculously hot and score all the chicks," Wally included.
"We all know you just use the chicks as a cover," I teased.
"Yeah, you're totally into Dick," Beast Boy said.
"That's what she said!" Tim chuckled.
"Unrequited love," I replied. "I'm a boob man."
"I'm an ass man," Wally said.
We all stopped and looked at him for a moment.
"So not helping your case, dude," Conner said.
"Okay, I'm so changing my uniform," I said.
"Now I know why you like to come in from behind," Cyborg quipped.
"Dude, that totally came out wrong!" Wally complained, pulling at his hair. "Girl ass, girl ass!"
Tim swore, "Conner! Help!"
"I got you," Conner said.
"You ain't fast enough," Cyborg said.
"Teammates have to work together," Tim said. "Protect each other's back."
I sighed while Wally just grinned at me. "You know you deserve it."
"Yup," Cyborg said. "We have months worth of material. OH! You so did not do that!"
"Sure I did," Tim said.
"Cocky bastard, just like your brother."
"Runs in the family," Tim replied.
"Cy, I'm outta ammo."
"I'll cover you," Cyborg replied.
"Holy… Con! Duo powerup, go left," Tim blurted.
"I see it," Conner said, leaning in that direction.
"Not if I get there first!" Beast Boy crowed.
"Except if I head you off!" Tim called.
"Yeah, but I'm comin' in the other direction!" Cyborg said. "Can't take us both."
"Watch me," Tim said. "I'm the son of Batman."
I snorted.
"Careful on your left," Wally called.
"Who?" was the resounding cry from all four of those playing.
"You're gonna fall in the pit," I said.
"Who?"
"You," Wally said. "The ugly one!"
"Wally, stop balking," Cyborg said.
"You'll get your turn."
"It's not fast enough," Wally replied. "Hurry up."
"Yeah, not gonna happen," Conner said.
I complained, "You four are deliberately dragging this game on – Ohhhh!"
"Man, that was so cool."
"Did you see that? Did you see what I did?" Beast Boy cried. "I so rock!"
"Are you using cheat codes?" Tim said, cross.
"Me?" Beast Boy asked. "No way."
"Ahh!" Conner cried.
"What?"
"Stupid bomb. That's a stupid place for a bomb."
"Well, it's not as annoying as where this healing pack spawned," Tim complained. "I can't reach it."
"Serves you right for— ZOMBIE BAG! Ohmygawd."
"Run, run! MOVE THOSE SKINNY CHICKEN LEGS!"
"You just had to let the zombie horde out, didn't you, B?" Cyborg growled.
"Did they get you?"
"TURTLE SHELL INCOMING!" Conner cried. "TIM! CATCH THE TURTLE SHELL!"
"Dude! Dude! Dude!"
"Dude yourself," Conner said.
"Dude!"
"Dude."
"Dude."
"Duuuuude."
"Dude."
"Duuuuude."
"Asshole!"
"Dude, we were dude-ing."
"Yeah, but Tim stole my powerup!"
"Asshole."
"Ha!" Beast Boy cried. "Got yer back Cy."
"Nice moves, B," Cyborg replied and they released their controllers long enough to high five.
"Learnt them from the best," he replied. "I know all the sweet moves."
"Like, shaking your bootah?" Wally asked.
"You'd know, you're the ass man," Conner replied.
"Girl ass!" Wally protested.
"You didn't specify at the time," I replied.
"Dude," Wally said. "Stop helping them."
"But it's fun."
"But it's supposed to be pick on Dick day."
"Again," Beast Boy said. "Not helping your case."
"I dig the girls! Anyone can see that! I like me some big bazongas and a teeny waist and an ass that wiggles when I spank it."
"Mr Porntastic strikes again," I said with a sigh.
"If you've got it, flaunt it."
"You don't have it," Conner said.
"Yeah, you don't do it for any of us," Beast Boy said.
"Not gay," Cyborg said. "We're all boob guys. You're the ass man."
"And yet, you are all sitting next to a naked female and you are more interested in the computer game," Starfire included. "That is not doing the helping of any of your cases."
The game abruptly halted as we all spun to face her. "Starfire."
"Greetings," she said, smiling at us all. Gloriously dishevelled bed hair and looking gaunt, she was sitting up, one hand on her chest to keep the sheet from dropping. "Please, do not let me interrupt your game." She yawned tiredly, stretched one hand over her head and the other lifted—
I lunged and grabbed her sheet to stop it from dropping. "'Kay, everyone out."
"But," Conner began to protest only to be scowled into submission by Cyborg and Beast Boy.
"Holy sheet droppage, Batman," Tim said, covering his eyes.
"Just like I remember them," Wally said. "Awesome."
"Wally!"
"Seriously, Wally," Cyborg said as he hauled ass of the bed. "You're such a creeper."
"If he creeped on my wife," Beast Boy said, "He'd end up in another dimension."
"Dude, I need my wheelchair," Tim told Conner. "Bruce'll have my head if I'm not using it."
"You are leaving already?" Starfire asked, put out. "Tim, how are your injuries?"
Tim, eyes averted and blushing, replied, "Fine."
"We'll come back later, Star," Cyborg said, forcibly removing Wally from the bed by his shoulder.
Wally wriggled, "Hey, I was—"
"Wal, c'mon. Creep later."
"We'll tell Alfred you're awake," Beast Boy said, kissing Starfire's cheek. "Send up some real food."
I turned my head to watch them leave, still holding the blanket so it was covering Starfire's more important bits. She dropped her arms and sighed, lifting her legs so they triangled on the bed, wrapping her arms around them. Of course, this meant she was leaning into my hand, which was fine by me.
Once the door closed, I turned back to her and smiled, deliberately dropping the sheet. "Hey, beautiful."
She lifted an eyebrow at me, but made no move to replace the sheet. "Greetings."
"How are you feeling?"
"Rested," she replied, and lifted her broken wrist to inspect it and pulled a face.
"In pain?"
"No," she replied. Her eyes inspected me. "And you? You look—" she hesitated, like she was searching for words.
"Like I was beaten up with the ugly stick, I know. Swelling is all gone and I'm at the yellow stage of the bruising. But I'm okay. You didn't sleep as long as I thought you would."
"How long?"
"Four days."
"And I assume most of that was spent in direct sunlight?"
I nodded.
She just smiled. "Yellow sunlight is better for healing sleeps than red."
"Yeah, I guessed that. How's my baby?"
She released her legs and dropped them flat to the bed as she put her hand on her belly, and opps if she didn't expose more of herself as she did that. "It seems fine."
I reached out with my uncast hand and pressed my palm to her belly. "Hey, little eilace."
She slid her fingers until they covered mine and sighed. "Dick…"
I looked up into her eyes. "I was a dumbass."
Both her eyebrows shot up and she smiled. "Yes. You were the dumbass. Have they all been angry at you?"
"Yes. Every day. Babs uses it every second word. Bruce's decided that glaring will suffice. Cy and Beast Boy double team me with comments about teamwork. I still haven't gotten the Raven smack upside the head that means she's forgiven me. The only one who seems relatively accepting is Galfore, who offered to show me how to behead someone."
"I imagine Bruce did not take kindly to that."
"You should've seen the look on his face," I said. "I've never see his jaw drop so low."
Her smile was tender and sad, as was her fingers as she gently ran them over my face, checking on all the bruises and the cut in my hair from the crowbar. Her fingers slipped down to my shoulder, brushing over the bandage there from where Jason's bullet had pierced the skin. I remained passive, just let her check me.
She reached the top hem of my long sleeved, her fingers curled around the cloth and tugged at it.
"Star—"
She issued me with a stern look. "Raise your arms, Mr Grayson."
Obediently, I did as she asked, lifting them above my head so she could pull my shirt off. The sleeve tangled on the cast, so she just left it there. I winced as she pulled a face and closed her eyes in pain at the bruises I had.
"Dumbass."
"Yes," she said, her fingers now running along my arms, down over my chest. "Are you in much pain?"
"No. Stiff and a little sore, but I'm okay." I cheekily lifted my hand from her stomach until it cupped a breast.
"Hmm," she said and dropped her hand away from my chest.
"I'm sorry," I told her. "I wasn't thinking. I just couldn't let him take anything else away."
"I know." She lifted a finger to me, wagged it like she wanted me to wait. "I need to use the bathroom."
"Oh…"
"Let me use the facilities and you can come speak to me while I am in the shower."
I smiled. "Okay."
I watched her get from the bed and walk to the bathroom, closing the door behind her. While she did her business in private, I wrestled with my shirt around my cast, struggled out of bed, ignoring the twinges of pain in my back and waited for her to open the door.
She opened it after a moment. "I fear I may require some assistance while showering," she said, looking at her wrist. "I would like to wash my hair."
I looked down at my arm. "I'll help as much as I can. Alfred left some plastic bags in there for us to use."
She giggled. "We match."
I grinned. "We do."
Awkward shower was awkward. But we managed it. Starfire kept her left arm out of the shower as much as possible, using her right hand to wash. I helped her wash her masses of hair, helped her lather up the soap and wash her back. Between the two of us, we had two good arms.
I was actually quite interested in the dimple in her belly now, surprising for me, I know, especially when boobs are right there. The bump wasn't noticeable unless you knew how flat she normally was.
"Are you still mad at me?" I asked, squeezing conditioner onto her hand.
She ran what she had through her hair, then offered me her cupped hand to fill again. "Yes."
I filled it up again, then replaced the lid on the bottle. "Oh."
"We are strongest together," she said, fingers working through her hair. "Or did you forget that."
"We're pretty damn strong apart too."
"I know," she replied. "Can you just lift the ends up for me?"
"Sure," I replied, taking the hair on her left hand side and lifting it up to her hand.
"I thank you." She sighed. "There are times I wish you were not so… sociopathic."
I stared at her. "Excuse me?"
"Is that the wrong word?" she asked, gauging my expression.
"I should think so!"
"Then my apologies." She frowned. "There are times when you contain reckless disregard for your own safety. Everything is your burden, no one can share, even when there are those of us willing to share, you must be the hero and carry the weight yourself. Not risk those who you hold dear. Protect the heart. Sacrifice yourself. You physically torture yourself to prove your worth."
"Star, I—"
She gestured me. "Look at yourself and tell me that was not a form of torture. You pride yourself on being able to take any beating, defeat any foe regardless of what happens to you. You are human, with everything that entails and yet you make those of us with power feel valueless."
"I do not—"
"You do not trust us to protect ourselves."
"You got hurt."
"Wally was by your side and you sent him away. Beast Boy. Cyborg. They would have helped you had you but asked. They had the right to help you, but you had to go alone."
"I couldn't—"
"I do not doubt that when you vanished, you knew exactly what you were going to do. There was no hesitation in your mind. You were going to find the one responsible and make him pay. Hurt him like he hurt you."
I pressed my lips into a thin line and looked away from her.
"Was there a moment when you had the opportunity to kill him?" Starfire asked after a moment.
I kept a straight face, putting the conditioner bottle back on the shower stand. "Yes. There was a moment where… I had a gun on him."
"And?" Starfire prompted, her head back as she rinsed her hair.
"I fought with myself. I wanted to. I wanted to so bad. He hurt you. I thought he killed our baby. I knew, if you had been there, he'd have been dead already and I still couldn't do it."
"Good," Starfire replied.
"Why?" I asked her incredulously.
"Because you are still you," she said. "Even in such emotional extremes, you did not lose who you were. Your abilities were not compromised, as mine surely would have been given the situation. Yes, you were rash, overconfident and stupid. But you also knew what had to be done and did it. I believe there was probably even a moment where you berated yourself for doing what you were doing, and then you did it anyway."
I gave her a sheepish smile. "Maybe."
"No one can do the beating of yourself as well as you can, Dick," she told me. "Yes. I am angry. I am frustrated. I am annoyed. I am devastated that you left me when I was most vulnerable. None of these emotions change what occurred. I cannot even ask you not to do it again, because I know when the time calls for it, that is what you will do. I can only hope that you will live through the next time."
"Star—"
"When I needed you, you were not there. And I am the one you claim to love above all others."
"Please don't see it that way."
"What way would you prefer me to see it?" she asked as she turned off the shower.
I picked a towel off the rack and held it up for her. "I don't know."
She stepped into it, watching me expressionlessly while I dried her off. She undid the plastic bag around her arm, and placed it back on the counter before she turned back to me. "Should I see it as a betrayal?"
I stepped back and let the towel drop, holding it in limp fingers.
"Does the lives of your unmarried wife and unborn child mean so little to you cannot stay to find out how we fair? That you must rush off to pre-empt a vengeful battle to avenge us?"
I closed my eyes. "Starfire, please."
"That is what you expected me to say during all your guilt ridden, self depreciating thoughts of the last few days, is it not?"
I nodded sadly. "Pretty much."
"Did I leave anything out?" she asked as she went over to the bench to do her teeth.
I sighed.
"Is there anything else you wish to say?"
"Just that I'm sorry for everything I put you through. I should've been there when you woke. I'm sorry, Star and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me."
She watched me in the mirror. "I do not like the 'kicked puppy' look on you," she said, taking her toothbrush out long enough to say that. "It is most pathetic."
"Sorry."
Starfire narrowed her eyes at me then bent over to spit in the sink and rinse her mouth out. She turned, moved away from the sink and leant against the bench to regard me, completely oblivious to the fact she was completely naked. That, and the mirror behind her gave me a wonderful view of her backside at the same time.
"I do love you, Star."
"I know." Starfire sighed. Shook her head mournfully.
I was watching our relationship crumble. I could see that. As understandable as my actions had been, I betrayed her in the worst way possible. I shouldn't expect that'd be easy to get over. I couldn't expect it.
"Why?" she asked.
"Why what?"
"Why would you throw everything into one last act? You activated Night Phoenix. You were prepared to die."
I looked at the ground. "I don't really have an answer for that."
She regarded me in silence.
"I've never felt worthy of you, Star," I mumbled. "You're incredible, intelligent, beautiful and so powerful that it scares me. I'm just… a dumbass in a mask pretending. I don't have anything to offer you. I'm not good enough. Giving my all… is giving my life too… I… knew going in the state I was, was suicide… I just want to make sure I'd take him down too."
"For all your intelligence, you can be so stupid at times. Not worthy. X'hal, Dick," she scoffed.
"I'm sorr—"
"If you apologise again, I will kill you, do you understand?"
I clamped my mouth shut.
She turned around again and leant heavily on the bench. With a sigh, she looked up at me in the mirror. "May I have the moment, please?"
"Please, Star, I wasn't thinking, I didn't mean—"
"Was not thinking? Dick, you think too much and that is your greatest fault."
"Don't send me away. Not now."
"This was the one scenario which I was entitled to be selfish and expect you to be there for me. I should have come first, and I did not."
"But—"
She was in full lecture swing now. "Irrespective of the fact that you may have gone in to extract justice for me, I needed you there when I woke. Instead of waking to your face, I woke to Bruce's panicked one because they could not find you. Instead of going into a healing sleep, I forced myself to ignore my natural instincts until you were found, until you were safe."
"Star—"
"Do you not think I am entitled to have some time to come to terms with the fact I may never come first?"
"Starfire—"
"This is not the first time I have been injured and woken to you not with me. It is becoming a pattern—"
"There's no way to tell when you're going to be coming out of your healing sleeps—"
She snarled at me and jabbed a finger in the air. "Listen, you bat of dings, the entire Justice League would have gone with you had you just asked for assistance. Instead you went on your own, tried to be the one man army—"
"You mean dingbat."
She growled. "And you chose to focus on my slang rather than what I am saying—"
I was getting angry too. Defensively angry. "It's already been said, Starfire. They've all said it. I was stupid. And reckless. Rogers paid the price. I've not forgotten all that. They've been yelling at me for days. I know what I did was wrong. Why do you have to do yell too?"
"Because I did not get a chance!" she roared. "I was the one you left! I needed you and you were not there! If you had not taken it as a personal mission and attempted to get yourself killed!" She thrust out her arm. "Flash was right by your side. Batman was there. And you sent them away! Surely a better message to send to Blockbuster would have been the united front. Nothing can stop us when we stand together! Instead you showed him heroes can be 'gotten to' by attacking their families."
"I thought—"
"What, Dick?" she screamed. "Do share with me. What did you think?"
My anger melted as fast as it came. Hot and naked and glowing in green energy, she's glorious. Except her anger's directed at me. I can't…
"Tell me," she snapped, lowering her voice to a growl. "Tell me there was some thought involved."
I dropped my eyes and shuffled.
"You cannot, can you?"
"No."
She sighed and placed her fingertips against her forehead, slumping back against the bench. "This was not how I intended this conversation to go."
"Starfire—"
"You… use me… in so many ways. There are times I feel lost in this relationship. You can fill a room and I… stand behind you, not next to you. It is not equal. There are times… I feel I am only a part of your life for the sex."
I threw my hands in the air. "God, are you going to raise every grievance you have me with every time we argue?"
She scowled at me.
"Okay, fine, let's psychoanalyse our relationship. I know I use you for sex. God… the last time… up against a tree so I could run from the pain of Tim getting shot? I can be very selfish, I know. But, Starfire, you know all you have to do is say no. I'm not going to force you." I shoved a hand through my hair. "I like sex. I admit it. It's a big part of our relationship. A very big part and sometimes… I think it's unhealthy. But then… I also think… you're Tamaranian, you love touch, you thrive on it. I can't think of any better way to love you, to touch you, to be a part of you…"
"It appears I am not the only one doing the recycling. 'I cannot kiss you, but I thought you really liked touch'. Or how about 'I can use your body and it is the okay because you need touch'. Do not use my species as the excuse. I am not the only one that thrives on it."
I bristled. "Well, if you hate my touch so much—"
"Do not be the ass."
I blew nosily through my nose.
"Touch is not everything. You require it as much as I do. You are the acrobat after all."
Another noisy exhale.
"Stop saying it is solely my fault that you are required to put your hands all over me constantly." She ran her hands over her sides and up until she cupped her own breasts. "Even now, a part of your mind is contemplating what you wish to do to my body."
My eyes were riveted to her hands. "Well… you are naked."
She snorted and shook her head, dropping her hands.
"Can you do that again?"
"No."
"Can I do that?"
"Do you wish to be blasted? And you have just reinforced my point."
"But that's not all we have together, Star. There's fun and laughter. There's dancing and love and so much happiness. I know there hasn't been a lot of that lately, but so much has been happening. You complete me, make me whole, make me who I am. I'd be nothing without you."
She placed her fingers against the ring around her neck. "I feel that cannot trust that you will be there for me when I need it. You have no idea how much that pains me. X'hal, Dick, what would have happened if I had lost the baby? To wake to that and you missing, it surely would have destroyed me." She turned her eyes to herself in the mirror. "Perhaps coming to Bludhaven was the bad idea."
"Don't say that."
Her face was sorrowful. "Everything has gone wrong."
I couldn't say anything else but, "I love you."
Starfire sighed my name as she crossed the room to me and wrapped her arms around me. I clutched at her desperate for contact, frantic for forgiveness. "I do not mean to punish you for what you did or make you question. But I need time," she said. "I am very hurt. There are things I need to decide."
"Can't we do that together?"
She shook her head. "No. Not this time. I just need to think. Perhaps will find a hotel or perhaps stay with Raven, but I need some time. Please, may I have the time?"
"A hotel?" I asked in a strangled voice.
"I cannot stay with you at present."
"Then stay at the Manor. I won't bother you. Please—"
"You will and we both know it."
"Can you tell me what you'll be thinking about?"
Tear filled green eyes. "Whether I can forgive you for this."
My arms dropped from her in shock and horror. My throat went dry and I had to swallow several times before I found my voice. "You don't think you can?"
Starfire took my hands and placed them back against her, returning us to cuddling. I gripped her tightly, determined to make this last as long as possible. "If our roles were reversed, had I done to you what you have done to me, would you have forgiven me?"
I gave her the honest truth. "I… don't know."
"Then, you understand my dilemma."
I held onto her as tight as I could, as futile as that was, I couldn't let her go. "Please don't leave me."
"Dick—"
"Please. I can't lose you. Not now. Not after everything. We're having a baby—"
She pulled back again and cupped my face with a hand. "No matter what, I will never take your baby away from you. I can promise you that. But I need to think."
She gave me one last look and walked out the door.
And I really knew what it felt like to lose everything.
Author's Note:
Starfire has class. Asking for a break while naked.
