When Liara got to the hotel, Shepard felt her courage fading. She didn't even know where to start. She knew that she wanted to tell Liara but how could she even explain everything that happened? After trying so hard to bury the memories of what happened on the Citadel that day, would she even be able to vocalize it? Liara sat in front of her, trying to be patient. She reached out a hand to touch Shepard's hand.

"You were right all along, Liara. Something happened on the Citadel once I made it up that beam." Shepard paused, trying to think of the words. "It wasn't just a matter of pushing a few buttons. I did something horrible…"

Liara waited a few more minutes as Shepard tried to find the words. After a few minutes more, Liara couldn't wait any longer.

"If you can't tell me the whole thing, just show me." Liara said gently, her voice pleading.

Shepard only nodded her head slightly. Liara held Shepard's hands as her eyes glazed black.

"Don't fight me. Please don't fight me."

Despite the fact that Shepard agreed to the meld and agreed to show Liara her memories from the Citadel, it was difficult for Liara to start and maintain the meld. It had not been this difficult since the first time that she had joined with Shepard back on the first Normandy all those years ago. Shepard's sub-conscious reflexively fought against the meld and Shepard's conscious mind was so used to hiding this part of her memories from Liara that Shepard had to concentrate to allow Liara past the well-fortified walls in her mind. When Liara finally made it past Shepard's mental barriers, she was instantly flooded with a tidal wave of memories, pictures, thoughts and feelings.

The pain was so intense that Liara recoiled and she had to break the meld. Guilt, sadness, anger, hatred, revulsion, terror, self-loathing. For a moment, Liara was so overwhelmed that she couldn't move, couldn't think. The pain was worse than any physical or emotional pain that she had ever experienced. And she had only been able to tolerate it for a couple of minutes. How can anyone live with that pain in their heads all the time? How can anyone box in that pain in one section of their mind and go about living? Liara looked back over at Shepard who was sobbing and in a fetal position on the bed. I have to do something. I'm losing her. I can't lose her again.

Liara forced herself to move over to Shepard. She held Shepard as tightly as she could. She forced herself to enter Shepard's mind once more and forced herself to resist the urge to recoil from the pain this time. Using every ounce of will that she had, she pushed aside the pain and replaced it with memories, images, feelings of the good times that they had had together. I love you so much, Shepard. I will never leave you. Finally, she felt Shepard's mind ease, her body loosen. Shepard stopped sobbing and she took in a jagged breath. Soon, Liara could feel Shepard drift off to sleep and giving into her own exhaustion; she broke the bond and followed her there.

When Liara woke up a few hours later, she ordered some tea and began formulating a plan. She knew that Shepard's problem was not the decision that she had made but rather how she now thought about that decision. It was like an endless loop of guilt and other negative emotions that played over and over regardless of how illogical it was. The loop needed to be stopped and it could only be stopped with reason and logic. Liara knew all of Shepard's arguments that she had battered herself with and Liara knew that she would have to come up with an unassailable counter to all of them. But before she could do that, she would need to examine and straighten out her own emotions.

Her emotions were just as jumbled as Shepard's had been. The overwhelming feeling initially was one of amazement and disbelief. Shepard had held the fate of every sentient being in the palm of her hand. She had saved them all. But she wasn't able to save everyone. It was so unfair that Shepard had been put in that position in the first place. Liara's second feeling was one of rage and hatred. How dare these Leviathan, in their hubris and arrogance, unleash this recurring nightmare on the galaxy. How dare that stupid machine that they created believe that it had the answer when Liara didn't even think that it had the right question. If the philosophy and religion of her people was correct, the natural rise and extinction of individuals and species was not chaos. It was not even a problem. It was the natural order of the universe that would eventually lead to peace, enlightenment and harmony for all souls, everywhere.

The Leviathan obviously didn't believe that. It wasn't how they wanted the universe to work because they themselves were ruthless, evil dictators. So they took it upon themselves to create a machine that in turn, created more machines to try to bend the universe to its will. Those machines caused more terror, pain, suffering and death than any of the 'chaos' that preceded them.

Hours later, Liara could see Shepard stirring on the bed. Liara went over to her and sat down beside her. Liara leaned forward to kiss her forehead.

"You're still here?"

"Of course, I'm still here. Where else would I be except here by your side?"

"I appreciate that but you don't have to force yourself. I realize how you must feel about me."

"You mean, overwhelming love? Yes, that is how I feel about you."

"You don't have to pretend that you don't see me as a monster now."

"Part of me wishes you were more of a callous monster. Then I wouldn't have to see you in this much pain."

"I killed Edi. I killed a whole race of people."

Liara took in a deep breath. Round one begins and the battle is joined.

"You didn't kill anyone. You were presented with a choice and you made the decision that would save the most lives. You did not set up the paradigm that created the decision. You did not set up the false dichotomy between organics and synthetics. The Leviathan did that by creating that 'intelligence' and their logic was flawed from the very beginning."

Another hour later, Shepard and Liara were still talking about what happened, debating with each other, with Shepard still taking the position that she was a monster for doing what she did.

"Maybe only time can tell if it was the right thing to do or not. On a timescale much larger than we mere mortals can even comprehend. Maybe organics will finally get their shit together and stop fighting each other. It's inevitable that synthetics will eventually gain self-awareness but maybe there is some way for us to live together. Beyond whether it was the right decision, there's the issue of why I did it." Shepard said the words without looking at Liara.

"I know about that too. And a big part of your motivation was what motivates any of us to do anything. You did it to save me and your friends and your people and then the other people that you've met. That's just how all individuals operate. And I think any genuine synthetic individual would operate the same way. Weren't the geth willing to sacrifice the quarians to save themselves? You're not a monster because you care about people and naturally want those people who you care about to survive. You'd be a monster if you didn't."

"You can't have it both ways, Liara. You can't say on the one hand, that it was the right decision because it saved the most people and that's the most important thing and then say on the other hand, that it wasn't bad that I considered which people would be saved."

"Let me ask you this, Shepard. I think I already know the answer but let me ask you anyway. If it wasn't the geth who would be destroyed by the Crucible but somehow, all of humanity instead that would be destroyed, would you still have made the same decision?"

"Yes. There is no way I could have sacrificed everyone else just to save my own race. That's not the problem. That's not where the guilt comes from." Shepard put her head in her hands again, the tears forming in her eyes once again. "The guilt comes from the fact that if I had decided to end the human race to save the others and I woke up in that rubble, I would have put a bullet in my head right then and there. I wouldn't have even tried to survive. I know that's selfish of me in way too because of the pain it would have caused you."

"Understandable. But you realize that that is irrational. Objectively, there is no difference between the two. But we are emotional beings. We experience the world subjectively. All individuals do. You feel guilty because you are a human who cares more about humans than you did the geth. Despite that, you would have been willing to sacrifice your people for the good of the many. And I know from your memories that you thought you were going to die in the explosion and you made the decision anyway. What is more unselfish than that? To willingly sacrifice yourself for the many. I think your decision was the correct one but that's almost irrelevant because there is nothing that can be done about it now anyway. The only question is, can you get past this guilt and find a way to be happy? For yourself and for me and for our daughter."

Shepard looked up and into Liara's eyes, a humorless smile on her face. Shepard took Liara's hand.

"I thought I could just put all this behind me. I thought that we had already been through the worst of it and now we could just be happy and ride off into the sunset together. I know how naive that must sound."

"I want that too, my love. I want that more than anything. And I have to believe that we can still have it. We're just going to have to work for it."

"I'm going to try, Liara. If you'll still have me. If you'll be patient with me, I'll try as hard as I can."

Now, Liara got tears in her eyes and looked down, shamed by her own actions. "I'm sorry that I lost my patience before, Shepard. I just felt so helpless. I felt like I was losing you and there was nothing I could do about it. I felt like you didn't trust me anymore. I was afraid that you really didn't respect me enough to share your burden with me. Can you forgive me?"

Shepard snorted. "Can I forgive you? There is nothing to forgive. I should have been honest with you from the beginning but I was afraid that you'd hate me. I have this neurotic fear of abandonment from my childhood but you deserved the truth. But if you stick with me, I promise, no more secrets. No more lies."

"We are going to have to discuss your lack of faith in me. I have always stood by you no matter what and you didn't have enough faith in me to just tell me what happened. That hurt." Liara smiled warily and tangled her fingers with Shepard's. "But I understand why you hid it from me. I saw John and Hannah in your memories. But that is a discussion for another day. We'll figure out how to get through this together. I love you, Shepard."

"I love you too, Liara. Before you came back, I had intended to take this secret to my grave with me. I think when you came back, my mind just couldn't deal with carrying the secret alone any longer."

"We will have to discuss something else at some point. I know that you had to do what you had to do. I realize that you were willing to sacrifice your own life for the many just like I was willing to risk my life to help defeat the reapers. But not anymore. Not again. You are not allowed to put anyone ahead of yourself again. You are not allowed to put the galaxy before me and your daughter again."

"I already made that deal with you when I asked you to marry me and I meant it. And I know why you are saying this now." Shepard smiled. "The meld works both ways. I know that you felt a little abandoned as a child as well."

"Obviously, I had a completely different childhood than yours. I had everything I ever needed and much of what I wanted but I often felt like I was never my mother's first priority. She was a wonderful woman but I often felt like she was duty first with her only child a distant second." Liara sighed and shook her head. "So, of course, I fall in love with a person who always put her duty first to such an extreme that she was willing to blow herself up in order to complete her mission."

"Yes but those were extraordinary circumstances. Chances are good that the galaxy will not face another threat that will destroy every advanced sentient life again in my life time." Shepard paused and looked up. "You hear that, Goddess or God or whoever else might be in charge of such things, not again!"

Shepard put her head in her hands. "I can't do this anymore. My head is spinning. I just feel exhausted and I need some air. Can we maybe go take a walk? Get some dinner and talk about something else? Not that that will be easy."

Liara leaned over and kissed Shepard's lips. "I'll get my jacket. And maybe you can put on some real clothes and some shoes? Instead of just running around in your underwear as my father calls it?"

Despite her mental exhaustion, Shepard chuckled. "I don't know. I think I'm developing a signature style. Oh, there's that crazy human running through the streets in the middle of the night in her underwear again. I bet I could market it. Come out with my own clothing line."

After a dinner and a long walk during which they both remained mostly silent or talked about trivial things, they came back to the hotel. It was Liara who made the first move. As soon as they were back in the room, Liara's fingers were undoing the buttons on Shepard's shirt.

"You know, as my bondmate, you have certain duties that you are obligated to perform and you've been a little lapse in those duties as of late."

Liara leaned forward and kissed the soft skin of Shepard's chest as it was uncovered. The feel of Liara's soft, warm lips on her skin felt wonderful to Shepard. She put her hands on Liara's hips and pulled her closer.

"Are you sure you want to go back into that nightmare that is my mind? It's a terrifying place, I know."

Liara looked into her eyes as she moved her hands over Shepard's shoulders and down her arms until the shirt fell off.

"Not true. You and your mind are beautiful. You just have both been forced to see and do too much. It is still one of the most wonderful places I have ever been. Full of love and joy and wonder and kindness."

During their meld, Liara was pleased to see and feel that the blackness was less. It was still there, of course, but it was smaller and there were no longer any walls or barriers between them. Their minds entwined so completely and deeply that there was no longer any separation between them and they became one. For a moment that seemed to last an eternity, the barriers of time and space disappeared and they were seemingly weaving in and out of other dimensions, other times, other places. It was no surprise to either of them when a couple weeks later, it was confirmed that Liara was pregnant with their second daughter.

The next morning, after what was the best night's sleep that she had had in months, Shepard went down and personally thanked Alyona for her hospitality and kindness. She then paid her bill and secretly got the name of Alyona's boss so that she could write a glowing letter of recommendation to her from the galaxy-famous Admiral Shepard. Shepard wouldn't be satisfied until Alyona got a raise. She then went back up to their room, carrying a late breakfast for her and Liara.

Once they arrived back home, Aethyta was there with Benezia. Benezia squealed when she saw her mommy and daddy again. Shepard gave her some extra kisses for each of the days that she had been away. Shepard smiled at Aethyta.

"Thank you for looking after her for us. I'm sorry that you had to."

"Not a problem. I'm here any time."

Shepard hesitated. "I've just been having some bad memories from the war."

Aethyta held up her hand. "Say no more. Every marriage has its secrets. You don't need to tell me anything. I'm not nosey."

Since when? Shepard thought. Shepard could tell that Aethyta was dying to know what was going on but at least she had been polite enough to lie about it. Shepard sighed and made a decision.

"Let's go sit down at the kitchen table and I'll try to explain what happened."

Liara took Benezia from Shepard's arms, a concerned look on her face.

"Are you sure, Shepard? Are you sure you're ready for that?"

"She deserves to know and it might be good to talk about it with another person. You have to swear that you won't tell anyone what I am about to tell you, Aethyta."

"I can keep a secret, Shepard. I've kept secrets for centuries before. I swear I won't tell anyone."

A person doesn't make it to a thousand years of age without developing a poker face and being able to control their emotions but Aethyta had to admit that when she heard the story that Shepard told her, it was a struggle to keep her face expressionless. She knew that her daughter-in-law was an extraordinary human and she knew that she had been the one to fire the Crucible that had ended the reapers. What she did not know and never would have guessed, is that her daughter-in-law had had the fate of every asari, every human, every krogan, every advanced sentient being in her hands.

Aethyta remembered listening to Shepard back on Illium when she was pining away for Liara to that turian friend of hers. She remembered how she came back and got shitfaced when Liara had rejected her. This extraordinary but still very fallible and emotional being had been the one who had to make a decision that affected every life in the known galaxy when she was alone, exhausted and wounded. As Shepard finished the story, she looked down at her hands, obviously waiting for some reaction from her.

For one of the few times in her life, Aethyta was speechless and had no idea what to say.

"Fuck, Shepard. That's the craziest shit I've ever heard in my life. I need a drink. You want one?"

"No…thanks. That's all you have to say?"

Aethyta got up and headed for the bar in the dining room. She poured herself an extra-large shot of whiskey and returned to the kitchen table. Shepard had her head in her hands and Liara had returned from putting Benezia down for her nap and was running her hand over Shepard's arm.

"I don't think I really need to say this but of course, you made the right decision. You had no choice. You did what you had to do to kill those fuckers. That was the only way to save all our asses!"

"I'm not so sure. What if the Intelligence was right and I should have chosen synthesis?"

"Yeah, listen to the Whateverthefuckitwas that was responsible for torturing, mutilating and killing trillions and trillions of innocent souls for millions of years. You had no more right to do that than that stupid Whateverthefuckitwas had the right to do it! No one, no thing, no fucking 'Apex' giant fucking space lobsters have the right to determine the direction that life takes!"

"I killed the geth." Shepard said quietly.

"You killed the reapers! You were a soldier and you used a weapon to destroy the enemy. The only weapon that could have killed the reapers. It's not your fault that there was collateral damage. You had only one real choice. Either you killed the enemy using the only weapon at your disposal or you let us all die. Surely, you told the Knucklehead the same thing, Liara?"

Liara couldn't help but smile.

"Basically the same thing though not in quite such colorful terms."

At that Aethyta did something that struck both Shepard and Liara speechless. She knocked back her drink, got up and with tears in her eyes, she hugged Shepard.

"I know that you are probably torturing yourself over this because you couldn't save everyone and you're dumb so you always think that you can save everyone but I love you and I couldn't be more proud of you, Daughter."

Aethyta then seemed to get control of her senses again. She mumbled something about how tired she was because Benezia kept her up half the damn night and then she quickly left the apartment. Liara and Shepard looked at each other, dumbfounded.

"Was she crying? I didn't even know she could do that."

"Apparently she can. And she told you that she loved you. She's never even said that to me and I really am her daughter!"

"Now I really am afraid. She must really feel sorry for me to say that! Did a Doctor call and say that I was going to die? Maybe I really have gone crazy."