Yes, this is the last chapter. I will honestly miss writing this story, but it has come to its end. Thank you to those of you who reviewed. To those of you who didn't review, but read anyway. To those who put this story on their favourites list, either as a favourite story, or on story alert. Thank you for sticking with it. Thank you for staying with me. You have all made this story more than I ever thought it could be.

I hope you all enjoy this last chapter.


45

I have not written in this for months now. While this used to happen sometimes when I was writing in it beforehand, I have noticed a difference between the times.

While before I didn't write out of either a burning need for privacy, was embarrassed about what my feelings were and what I would be writing because of them, or simply because the act of doing so was too much energy. Now it is because there is no more need.

Beforehand, there was always the need to release my feelings in some way, and this was as good a way as any. It was always here for me if and when I felt the need to write in it. To no longer feel that need is both saddening and yet somewhat joyful.

Yet more contradictions in myself.

I no longer need a way to let out my emotions in a controlled, written environment, like these writings have been for me. I started this with no friends, barely started my relationship with Nyota, afraid constantly that she would leave me for not being right for her, and very much alone and feeling unwanted.

I was very lonely.

Now I have friends that I can talk to, that I am not afraid of expressing my emotional needs to, and they will make sure I don't get too out of control. If anything, they help me regain my control if I begin to lose it. They keep me centred and more myself than I ever was able to be on Vulcan.

My relationship with Nyota is very strong. We have fallen into a relationship not without troubles, but which is pleasing and mutually beneficial for the both of us. That she stays with me even through the troubles reminds me strongly of my mother's relationship with my father, and this now brightens my mood instead of dampens it. It worked for my parents and I am sure it can work for us too.

I no longer see Doctor Stevens on a regular basis. I do occasionally see her for her to check up on me. I have a clean bill of mental health, I think the humans call it. Why a bill, is still beyond me. I did not pay anything, nor am I a bird of any type. I suppose I could be a bit like a platypus, though I doubt that is the proper meaning of the words either.

My mind is wandering off topic.

I am no longer alone, naturally. And though I do occasionally get lonely, all I need to do is visit with one of my friends or Nyota and that soon disappears.

I do still go through sad days, though I no longer cry during them. I still miss mother terribly. I think some parts of me always will. I cannot imagine how this makes father feel. He lost his mate, after all.

One thing this whole experience has taken away from me, which I had always felt when I was a child and through my teen years and early twenties, is my anger. I don't understand why, but I do know I am no longer angry at everything like I used to be.

Finding my place in the world, having my family's approval from both the Human and Vulcan sides, and being more in tune to both sides of my nature have helped settle me more into a person I like, that I could have ever hoped for. That my parents could ever hope for me.

All mother had ever wanted for me was to find peace with myself and to be happy and content with all of myself, not just the Vulcan side. I have accomplished this.

I am sure in the knowledge that accomplishing this would have made her extremely proud of me, and that brightens my mood.

She once told me that whatever my choices, she would be proud of me. In this particular instance, I know she would be more so. This would have made her genuinely happy for me.

I cannot think of many instances while she was alive that made her happy for me. My childhood was not a particularly happy one.

I will still do this for her though, as well as for myself. It feels right. It feels good.

I no longer need to express my thoughts on this PADD.

I am no longer compromised, crippled, by my grief.

I am no longer the boy I was before this happened.

Somewhere during the writing of this, I have not only grown more mature and sure of myself, I have become the man I had the potential to always be.

Anger has turned to love.

I am complete. Whole.

That I had to lose so much to get to this point will always sadden me, but it has somehow happened.

This will be my last entry. I am ready to live my own life, free of the emotional crutches that I used beforehand.

Peace and long life.

Farewell.