~Jen's POV~
The idea had first begun to form in my dreams.
And it only solidified as I began to wake, blinking against the rays of the sun that slanted through the windows and gave the room a warm glow.
As I helped Cassie pin her uncooperative hair up out of the way.
As I talked outfits with Emma and Kendra.
As I studiously ignored the concerned and curious glances that Beth kept throwing my way.
"No breakfast for me," I told the girls as I grabbed my bag and pulled the strap over my shoulder. "Beth, see you in class."
I rushed out before any of them could object and nearly sprinted to the Owlery, only slowing down when someone was approaching and I didn't want to seem suspicious. Still, it felt like it had taken me an hour to reach the Owlery, and once there, I hastily scribbled a note and selected a school owl to deliver it.
Once it had flown off, I had nothing to do but wait, and that was the worst part. I paced back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, the eyes of the owls watching me the entire time. I tried singing, but even that did nothing to calm my nerves.
And yet, my resolve was more solid than ever.
I had to do it.
Now.
Regulus rushed in twenty minutes after I'd sent the note off, his black hair mussed and his dark eyes filled with concern. "Jen, what is it? What's happened?"
I just stared at him, opening myself up to the emotions that were swirling within me. Adoration, joy, calm, happiness.
Love.
"I love you."
His brows furrowed together. "Um, I love you too. Is that… is that what you needed to tell me?"
I shook my head as an unbidden smile took over my lips. "No." And then, I laughed. I probably sounded absolutely crazy.
And this was confirmed by the look on Regulus' face as he looked around, searching for an explanation. "Jen, what is it? Are you okay?"
In three long strides I had reached him and taken his face in my hands, kissing him with everything that I had. He responded quickly, arms tightening around my waist as he turned and pressed me back against the nearest wall.
His lips nudged my mouth open and I moaned softly as our tongues met. My fingers gripped at his black robes, trying to pull him closer even though there wasn't a centimeter of space between our bodies. I wanted to be closer. Always closer.
He cupped my face in his hands as he slowed the kiss down, and then he gave me one last chaste kiss before he pulled away, panting as he stared into my eyes. "Jen…"
"I can't."
The confused look was back, though it had to battle with the joy. "You can't what?"
"I can't do this." I gripped his hands tightly, willing him to understand. "I can't walk around with Hale and pretend that I want to be in a relationship. Not when he holds my hand and it doesn't feel right in mine. Not when I have to smile at him as I'm wishing it was your eyes looking back at me. Not when he kisses me and I wallow in despair afterwards because it isn't fair to you. No more of this, Regulus. No more."
He pulled me close, arms locking against my lower back, and I curled my fists into his robes.
"My love," he breathed into my hair.
"They still can't know, can they?" I asked weakly, voice muffled by his clothes. "If it gets out about you and me… That's not something that we want. Not right now. Not with the Quidditch Cup coming up. There's no telling what would happen if we opened ourselves up to the rivalries like that."
"I know."
I pulled away just enough to be able to look him in the eye. "But after?"
"After, now, a year from now… it doesn't matter to me, Jen. Whatever you want."
"That's not fair," I said.
"It will keep you safe if we wait," he said softly, tucking a stray strand of hair behind my ear. "So let's wait."
"I still can't be with Hale anymore," I told him. "Tell me you understand that. I can't use him as cover anymore."
"Then don't."
I breathed a sigh of relief as half of the weight of the world eased off of my shoulders. I stood a little straighter as I cupped my hands around the back of Regulus' neck and pulled him in to kiss me again.
And I couldn't stop.
Not even when the first bell rang.
…
"Are you okay?"
I slipped my textbook into my bag as I exited the classroom. "Yes."
Beth gave me a small, tentative smile. "You seem… happier."
"I haven't seemed happy?" I asked, curious.
"You have," she amended, searching for the right words. "You were happy, but… there were these times when these little flickers of uncertainty would seem to overwhelm you. You didn't seem so happy when that was happening. But you seem okay now."
"I've made a decision that I think will fix some things for me," I admitted to her. "It won't fix everything, and there will be more struggles to come, but it's what I need to do."
She let out a small, disbelieving laugh. "Since when are you so secretive with me? We used to tell each other everything. Crushes, first kisses, rumors we'd heard, darkest secrets…"
A twinge of guilt pierced my heart. "I'm sorry, Beth. I really am. But this isn't something… it's just not something that I'm ready to talk about yet."
She nodded. "Just promise me that when you are, you'll know that I'm here for you?"
I smiled and nodded at her. "Of course I know that, Beth."
She was about to say something else, but then shrugged and began moving the opposite way. "Here comes your boyfriend. And I have homework that I need to get done anyway. See you at dinner?"
"Of course."
She moved away and in the next instant, Hale was at my side.
My resolve didn't crumble even a tiny bit, but I did feel another twinge of guilt as I looked at his bright blue eyes and easy smile. Perhaps, if things hadn't turned out the way that they did, I could have come to love those eyes and that smile. But I only saw him as a friend, and I had to end it.
"Hey," he said and leaned in to kiss me.
I took a step away. "Are you going to patrol before dinner?"
He seemed dazed for a moment, but then he shook his head slowly and his smile was back. "Uh, yeah. If you want to."
"Sure."
We began walking and as he started to slip his hand into mine, I stepped away again. I just couldn't let him believe that everything was okay. Not anymore. It wasn't fair to either of us.
Once again, he recovered quickly. "So, where did you run off to last night? I waited by the front doors for a while, but you never came back in."
"I went down to the Quidditch pitch," I answered carefully. I didn't want to lie to him, but I couldn't give too much away, lest anything lead to Regulus.
Hale accepted this easily. "What was wrong, anyway? Were you feeling okay?"
"Not really," I sighed. "It's… complicated."
He stopped walking and looked at me. "I'm a smart guy. I'm sure that if you explained it, I would understand. Maybe I could help you sort out whatever has you so confused."
If only you could. If only there was a way to deliver this bad news to you without hurting you. Because you don't deserve to be hurt. It isn't your fault.
"I don't think so," I finally said. "See, the situation is…"
"Complicated?" he guessed, not sounding at all like he believed it.
I shrugged sheepishly. "Yes. It is complicated."
He took a step closer to me. "Jen…"
I stepped back.
A bewildered look took over the confusion on his face. "What's wrong? You don't want me to touch you? Did I do something wrong?"
NO! That's just the thing! You haven't done anything wrong at all! It's not your fault that I never loved you as anything more than a friend! It's not your fault that I fell in love with someone else!
"Look, Jen, whatever it is, we can work it out," he said with certainty. "It's all going to be okay."
"This isn't something that we can just work out," I told him.
"Maybe not now…"
"Ever," I said clearly. "Not ever."
"You can't know that," he said reasonably. "If you just need…"
And then he froze.
His mouth fell open as small pieces of a much larger puzzle began to fall into place in his head.
"Unless… Jen… are you in love with someone else?"
There were no tears.
No choked sensation in my throat.
If anything, I was only tired as I finally admitted, "Yes."
