Enter...
STEVE

The finish line is just up ahead. Voltar inexplicably tripped a few feet before, and it was clear sailing all the way to the finish for me. Ten million dollars, here I come!

"Steve!"

No. No. Do not look back. Do not turn around. Ignore him.

"Steve!"

Ignore him. He can't do anything. You're about to win.

"STEVE, YOU MOTHER FUCKER!"

Oh god damn it!

A heavy foot lands on my back. I look over my shoulder as best I can and see Dr. Weird looming over me with his foot on my back.

"Steve! Do you know what it's been like?" he asks angrily. "There were aliens! And they didn't enjoy my hot dogs!"

He rips his head off and places it next to mine. The stench of blood almost overwhelms his bad breath, which somehow manages to penetrate the dome that encases his head.

"I'll tell you!" he says angrily. "It's like having you for an assistant! Now die!"

Dr. Weird's headless body revs up a chainsaw and brings it down on his foot–and shortly thereafter, my spine. I scream as it bites into my body.


Enter...
VOLTAR

It was a peaceful day in Metrotown. Peaceful, that is, aside from the giant tentacle monsters rampaging across the landscape, causing chaos and mass panic.

A guy with a coffee mug on his head threw open his front door. "My favorite coffee cup is missing!"

"I have two left slippers!" an old man said, fishing them out of his garbage.

"Someone took the numbers off my house!" another old man said, frantically searching the part of the wall where they used to be. "How will I know where I live?"

"How could someone be so evil?" coffee cup head said, running out into the streets.

I laughed evilly, drawing their attention as I rose up to my full, newly gigantic height. Now, I would be able to do evil on a grander scale than ever before, which must have terrified everyone as my scale was already pretty grand. But now, as a giant monster, I was certain to wreak havoc to such an extent that generations from now, the world would whisper of me as the evilest being to ever exist! Even more evil than Skullossus!

"I, AM VOLTAR!" I proclaimed. "MU-HU-HU-HA-HA–"

"Don't care," a lone voice said from inside a nearby house. I knew who it was.

"Steve!" I said in my angriest voice. It was too late, though. The spell was broken, and the panicked crowd was no longer, well, panicked. The fools! I would crush them for this insolence!

"Actually uh, I don't really care either," coffee cup head said.

The rest of the crowd started to agree with him.

"I don't care," Steve said again. I shrank down to my normal height and fell towards the ground. "Don't care. I. Don't. Care!"


Enter...
STEVE

I feel a strong hand grab my arm and pull me out of bed. It only lets go of me in order to pull open the cabin door, and then it grabs me again and pulls me outside. As I blearily blink my eyes, trying to get fully conscious, I become aware of my opponent's whining.

"What is the meaning of this?" Voltar asks angrily.

"I wanted to start the day with a spiritual experience," an airy voice says. "A sunrise is always a good way to wake up and commune with Mother Nature."

My eyes finally adjust to the dark enough so I can see who it is. My suspicions are confirmed as soon as I see her. Platinum blonde hair, pale skin, surprisingly pointy ears, clad in a sweater, a skirt, and tights. It's Dawn, or as I came to think of her while watching the show, the aura-reading hippie chick.

"Oh come on, do we really need to do this?" Voltar complains. "It's a time for sleeping! Evil needs its rest to be at its most evil! Otherwise, it's just, just–not as good at evilling!"

"Yeah, I don't care," I say.

Voltar screams and continues to rant. Honestly, I don't know why I said that. For some reason, it just seems to really rile him up when I mention that I don't care about whatever he's upset about at any given moment. I think it's the right reaction. He's always angry about something stupid. But it's still pretty funny that he pitches a fit whenever I mention that I don't really care about him. Plus, hopefully it will throw him off of his game today. So yeah, I feel justified in telling him that I don't care about his need to get a good night's sleep to be at peak evil.


Enter...
VOLTAR

By the time the sun finally woke up, I was amazingly bored. I came back to destroy Steve, not to watch sunrises with some, some, some blonde-haired pointy-eared weirdo! I'm supposed to be doing evil, not wasting my time with whatever this is!

She let out a deep breath. "Now that the sun is up and everybody is calmer–"

"Calm?" I said angrily. "I'm not calm! I'm ready to do evil! And evil, is not, calm!"

Steve looked at me. "I don't care."

Ooh, that, that, that sick twisted Steve! Always telling me he doesn't care, no matter what I do to get him to care! He will recognize my evil, and he will submit before me before the day is through! I will make him care!

"As I was saying," she said, "I've read your auras and I know what we must do. But first, we must do some yoga in order to limber up."


Enter...
STEVE

It turns out that neither of us is particularly limber. That's not really a surprise, since I'm me and Voltar is...whatever he is. I'm not sure if he's even human, what with those eyes. Maybe it's just his mask, but I've seen enough weird shit in my life that I'm not writing off the possibility that he's an alien or a monster. Although I can't say I really care, unless he whips out some unforeseen monster power that costs me ten million bucks.

"Okay, that's enough of Cobra pose," Dawn says. "Let's finish up with a few minutes of meditation in Lotus."

She gets into Lotus position, and I copy her, crossing my legs and making the same shape with my hands before shutting my eyes. Now is a time for meditation, but I don't really know what it is. I assume it has something to do with not thinking. With becoming nothingness. And that sounds just fine to me. All I have to do is avoid overthinking this.

But somehow, I can't shut my mind off. I keep running through possibilities, a lot of them pretty far-fetched but most of them a lot more likely. What if I trip and sprain an ankle, what if the challenge isn't something I know anything about, what if Dr. Weird appears out of nowhere to stomp on my back. I know the last one was just a nightmare, but then again, Dr. Weird shows up at weird places. Like the grocery store. That shopping trip sucked. And not just because I had to get a summer squash removed from the inside of my foot.

Enough of that, Steve. Focus on...whatever. Just stop thinking. Turn your brain off. You can do that, right?

Okay, apparently not.


Enter...
VOLTAR

Oh, that Steve! He thinks he's so, so–well whatever he thinks he is, he's wrong! All will bow before the mighty Voltar! Especially Steve! He may just be sitting there with his eyes shut, not thinking about anything at all, but soon, soon, his mind will be filled with thoughts of the mighty Voltar! That, and how the mighty Voltar defeated him easily in combat! Whatever it is. Hopefully it's not combat of boredom. I thought I was getting a million dollars on something called Total Drama, not Boring Boredom.

What's the point of all this stuff, anyway? The mighty Voltar needs to show his evil skills of evil! And defeat Steve. Steve MUST be defeated. He will bow at Voltar's feet, yes, he will scream, he will weep! And he will care!


Enter...
STEVE

"I believe you two have meditated enough," Dawn says. "Now I am going to read your auras and give you a bit of advice before I take you two into the woods to start the real challenge."

"You mean this wasn't even the challenge?" Voltar asks angrily. "You wasted the mighty Voltar's time?"

"Trust me," Dawn says calmly. "This was not a waste of time."

Dawn bends down to whisper in Voltar's ear.


Enter...
VOLTAR

"By reading your aura, I can tell that you have been betrayed by the systems you were supposed to trust," she whispered. "I know that at one point, you wanted to be a hero, but upon seeing their corruption, you turned down the path of villainy, for villains at least never misled you about their intentions. Despite this, you still long to do good, even if you keep that urge buried deep inside. But know this, Voltar: heroes are not chosen in rigged contests. Heroes make themselves, no matter what anybody else says."


Enter...
STEVE

Dawn stands up, walks over to me, and bends down to whisper in my ear.

"By reading your aura, I can tell that you have been lied to and betrayed by many people," she tells me. She's absolutely correct. "I can also tell that you think this makes you better than them. That because others lie and cheat, you have a right to do the same thing. And this blinds you from seeing the truth, Steve. Because the truth is that of all the people you have ever encountered, the only one who ever truly betrayed you...was you yourself."


Enter...
VOLTAR

I didn't have any idea what she was talking about. Nope. None at all. I certainly never wanted to be a hero. The thought is hilarious. Crazy. Insane. Who would ever want to help people? You can always hurt them. And hurting people is fun. Right? Right. Besides, being evil. That's where it's at. I never...yeah. No way would I be a hero. Heh.

Anyway, the girl led us into the woods and to a starting line. I was already thinking of ways to cheat when she started to explain the rules.

"This final challenge is a simple trek through the woods, but with a twist," she explained. "You are supposed to go through the woods, but as you go, you should find ways to improve the lives of the animals on this island. This way, you can make the world a better place, even though this show does its best to make the world worse. You may start at any time you wish, but be warned–"

I took off. "Good luck catching up, Steve!" I taunted him.

Steve took off after me. I quickened my pace, but stepped on something. I fell over and landed on my butt, and Steve ran by me.


Enter...
STEVE

I run past Voltar, not pausing to see if he's okay. I'm going to have to win this race while helping animals. That shouldn't be too hard, right?

Of course, I don't really know what I should do to help the animals out. Animal welfare has never been a top priority anywhere I've worked or studied. Still, it's not like figuring out how to escape carnivorous corn. But first I have to find some animals.

A moose steps out in front of me.

Well, I guess there's no time like the present to start winning this thing.


Enter...
VOLTAR

I pushed myself to my feet. Now Steve had the lead, and he was going to win this stupid thing! Unless, of course, I–what did I trip on, anyway?

I went over to look at what had tripped me up. It was a discarded soda can. I was about to throw it away when I realized that it was refundable for five cents! An entire nickel, and it was going to be all mine! All I had to do was take this can to be recycled, and I would have an entire nickel to my name. Mu-hu-hwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Wait. Maybe there are even more cans that I can get money for! Yes! The mighty Voltar will turn these cans in for massive amounts of money! Victory!


Enter...
STEVE

If there's a way to be nice to a moose, I apparently don't know what it is. Which honestly would have been nice to know before I inadvertently ticked it off and made it chase after me.

I dodge through a grove of trees too thick for the moose to follow. The moose lets out an angry noise but quits pursuing me. As soon as I get through the trees, I collapse onto the ground to catch my breath.

A squirrel scurries up to me, a bottle cap firmly wedged onto its head. Well, I suppose there's no way a squirrel can hurt me, right? Besides, if I get the bottle cap off, that'll definitely score me some brownie points with Dawn.


Enter...
VOLTAR

There were cans everywhere. Well, not everywhere, but all over the place. Whoever was drinking soda around here, they were total slobs! And they were about to make me rich! Just imagine it, me, Voltar, the richest man in the world, and all of it because of soda cans! When I turned these in, oh, the recycling center, they would beg, they would plead, they would grovel at my feet not to bankrupt them! And I would ignore them and become rich! Oh, all these cans, they were the ticket to my fortune! Mu-hu! Mu-hu-ha! Mu-hu-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!


Enter...
STEVE

Squirrels don't like it when you try to pry bottle caps off their heads. Beavers don't like it when you try to help them build a dam. And raccoons don't like–well, they don't like me, that's for certain. So I'm giving up on trying to help animals. No way is that working out for me. I'm just going to try and get across the finish line first. That's probably my best bet to get out of this without getting killed by angry animals.

I take off running. I manage to make it a few feet before a beaver steps into my path. I leap over it, dodge around a tree, and slam into the side of a resting bear. The bear stands up and roars, and I take off again, hoping that I won't get eaten. As I run, somehow all the animals seem to come out of the woods and into my path, including a stag that rams into me at full tilt, ripping my lab coat apart with its antlers and puncturing my flesh. I get up and continue running, trying to ignore the throbbing pain in my side.

It takes a while, but eventually I reach the finish line with a raccoon biting into my right butt cheek and two squirrels dangling from my left arm. Honestly, I'm glad it wasn't worse.

Dawn is already there. I collapse to the ground as she convinces the animals to get away from me.

"How did you get here already?" I pant.

"I took a shortcut," she says casually.

"Of course," I mutter.


Enter...
VOLTAR

Yes! More and more cans! Haven't seen many animals around, but that's good, because that means they'll stay away from my cans! Voltar, you are a genius! Mu-hu-hu-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!


Enter..
STEVE

"So did I win?" I ask.

Dawn smiles at me. "No."

I slump. Of course. I didn't win.

"Why not?" I ask.

"Well, you and Voltar took off before I could explain all the rules," she says. "The winner isn't the one who crosses the finish line first. The winner is the one who does the most to help the animals."

I groan. Of course. I should have known that Dawn wouldn't have made us run a race. The good news is that Voltar's probably doing the same thing I did, and he might even hurt some animals on the way. Or be hurt by some animals.

"So what happened to your aura?" she asks.

"What?" I ask.

"Your aura," she says. "In the first season, it was brighter than it is now. Not much brighter, but there was some hope to it. But when you came back this season, your aura was dim and it got dimmer. Now it's barely visible. I've–I haven't seen that happen often and I'm worried about you."

"Worried about me?" I ask. "Why?"

"Well..." she says slowly. "Let's just say that good things don't happen to people whose auras dim to almost nothing."

"If you let me win, that'll be a good thing happening to me," I say. "How about it?"

"That's not going to happen," she tells me. "It's not the money making your aura fade."

"What is it?" I ask.

"I don't know," she admits. "It might be your cheating ways."

"What cheating ways?" I ask. "I don't cheat."

"Don't lie to me," she says. "It's written all over your aura."

"I thought you said you couldn't see my aura anymore," I point out.

"Fine," Dawn says. "So why do you cheat?"

"I don't cheat," I tell her steadfastly.

"All of us former contestants got to see the rough cuts," Dawn tells me. "Why do you think Ella's musical was basically a giant allegory for how you've played the game?"

Ella's musical was an allegory?

"So tell me," she continues. "Why do you cheat?"

I sigh. The jig is up. I might as well tell her.

"It all started when I lost the first time around," I say. "I...I wasn't that surprised I lost, honestly. I just couldn't believe how I lost. I mean, I lost because people who knew that Elise didn't like them thought that it was a good idea to keep her around and get rid of me. I lost because of the weirdness of the voting booth, basically. So when I got back home, I decided to rewatch the seasons. I'd watched them before, in preparation for getting on the island, and I knew there was a reasonable chance there'd be another season and I might make it back on. And I figured out a lot of stuff when I watched them, but one of the things I noticed was that two people rigged the votes on two separate occasions and got away with it. I mean, they weren't punished at all for cheating. So the only thing I wondered was why neither of them just did that for the rest of the game, you know? If it worked once, why wouldn't it work again and again? So I decided to test the proposition. To run a little experiment, you know, and see how long I could get away with rigging the votes. If nobody ever stopped me, all I'd have to do is avoid being eliminated in an elimination round, and if they did, well, at least I'd probably get rid of somebody who betrayed me. And that–that was basically what I wanted to do from the start. To get rid of everybody who had betrayed me. So Elise, who manipulated me early on. Marlowe, who had decided to vote me off. And of course Nazz, the mastermind of the whole thing. I wanted to get rid of at least one of them, and, well, I managed to get rid of all three. I admit, I don't know why I thought that getting rid of all of them was the most important thing to do. Maybe it's because I wanted to actually be in control for once. I wanted the world to run on my whims instead of somebody else's. I didn't–I didn't want to be a puppet anymore. Or maybe it was all for the money. I don't know."

We sit there in silence for several minutes after I finish talking.

"You know, I think I almost understand," Dawn says. "You just wanted to win for once, is that correct?"

I nod.

"I've given it a lot of thought," she says. "I mean, a lot of thought. Once I knew I was going to be hosting the finale, I tried to figure out something that both contestants could do that would also be helpful for the world. But when it came down to you and Voltar, well, I had to fall back on a plan. And I must admit, when I thought it would be you in the finale, I considered making you lose. Just throwing the game to whomever your opponent was as an executive decision." She pauses. "But that wouldn't be fair, right? I mean, if I did that, I'd be cheating, the same way you did. After all, two people made it to the finale, so if I'm going to be fair, I have to let them both have a chance at winning."

"What's your point?" I ask.

"My point is you're not the only one who thinks about cheating," Dawn says. "You're just the one who gave in and decided to do so."

I snort. "Yeah, I know. You're so much better than me."

"Not necessarily," Dawn says. "Every day, we all get the choice to choose what to be. Good, bad, or neutral. We can choose to be neutral. We can walk through life not paying much attention to our surroundings. To the good and evil, the right and wrong, to the daily moral questions that surround us. Our sole purpose can be to survive, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. Most people simply want to get through each day."

She sighs. "We can choose to follow our darker sides. Some do so reluctantly, out of a sense that this is the only way. Some do so for the cheap thrills it brings, ignoring the guilt that tags along and the gradual loss of empathy. And some do so with gleeful abandon, enjoying the hedonistic haze that surrounds being a bad person."

"But then again," Dawn says, looking me in the eyes, "there is always the possibility of choosing to do good. And that possibility is always available, no matter what you may have done in the past. Always, there is the chance of redemption."

Dawn stares at me intensely for several seconds. We are suddenly interrupted by a loud clatter from behind us.

"My cans!" Voltar cries. "No! How will I ever gather them up for recycling now!"

I turn around and see that Voltar has tripped over the finish line, and the soda cans he was apparently carrying in his arms have tumbled all over the place. Dawn gets up and runs over to him.


Enter...
VOLTAR

I couldn't believe it! I was so close to getting rich off of my cans! But they got scattered all over, and it'd take forever to pick them all up! My scheme is ruined! Ruined!

The blonde girl ran up to me. "Voltar! Did you pick all of these cans up so they could be recycled?"

"Uh, yeah," I told her. "Duh!" I mean, what other use could these cans possibly be? Unless they were used as a radiation gun to fill the world with expired strawberry soda!

"Well, that's–" she frowned. "It's not much, really, but it's more than Steve did."

"Hey!" Steve complained. "I tried!"

"So I guess since you actually did something to help the animals, you're the winner, Voltar," she told me.

Winner? Of what?

Oh yeah. I'm on this reality show. Totally something I'm great at.

Wait. I just won this reality show.

AND I BEAT STEVE!

"I won?" I asked to make sure. "I won Total Drama?"

"You won Total Drama," she repeated.

I cheered and leapt into the air. "VICTORY!"