Thanks for your reviews on the last chapter. Y'all are amazing.

WARNING: this chapter contains "the talk" between Callie and Arizona. There are some disturbing themes so please read with caution. It was hard for me to write and it will likely be hard to read. But from survival documentaries I have watched, I feel like it is a necessary point to address.

Secondly, please don't hate me if I disappear for a couple days. I'm working my hardest on this story and I just want it to come out right.

Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy is not mine although I do own a copy of "Gray's Anatomy" (saved my butt in lab many a time).


"Robbins. Hey. Hey Robbins." Mark used his thumb to raise her eyelid, shining his penlight in her glassy blue eyes. "Robbins can you hear me?"

Arizona slowly blinked her eyes open. "Mmm. Mmhmm. Mark?" She looked around, realizing that she seated in a chair in the scrub room.

"Yeah. Hey. You passed out." Mark looked at her in concern.

She swallowed and squeezed her eyes shut as hand went back to her leg. She dug her fingers into the still throbbing limb, massaging the inch of skin above her prosthetic. Arizona could still feel the knife in the back of her phantom knee but everything below that level was still gone. She blew out a big breath, opening her eyes again. "I just need to sit for a little bit."

"Does your leg hurt Robbins?" He saw her nod. "Where?"

"My knee."

"You don't…oh. Is it phantom pain?" He didn't need for her to answer. "Let me get you to a bed. Can you walk?"

"I don't…" She shook her head, sucking in another deep breath.

"Robbins, let me help you." Mark said gently as he helped her up, wrapping an arm around her and taking on most of her weight.

She nodded her head as she leaned on him. Her head spun and her leg throbbed with each hobbling step she took. Arizona didn't understand why this was happening. Her pain had not been this severe since the first few weeks after her amputation. "I don't want to go to a hospital room. The lounge. Please."

"Yeah. Of course." They slowly made their way down the hall to the elevator and eventually into attendings' lounge. The whole trip made in silence.

Arizona collapsed into a chair once they were in the room, taking both hands and pressing down on her leg where skin met plastic. She whimpered as she leaned forward, putting all her weight on her residual limb. "Oh God." Tears leaked out of her eyes as sweaty blonde hair shielded her face.

"Robbins, tell me what you want me to do." Mark stood there awkwardly, desperate to help but completely ignorant to what the peds surgeon needed.

She raised her head, gesturing for him to come closer. Once he stood in front of her, she grabbed onto his lab coat, trying to pull herself up. She felt his strong arms wrap around her as he lifted her from the chair. Her hands quickly went to her waist and she released the drawstring on her pants, letting the scrub bottoms fall to the floor leaving her standing in her shorts. "Down. Please." He lowered her back to the chair and she frantically shoved off the prosthetic letting it clatter to the floor. Her hands grasped the end of her residual limb, trying to provide relief for a knee that was no longer there.

"Do you want me to call Callie…or Derek. If it's nerve pain, maybe he can help you…"

"Callie is in surgery," She sighed out as she squeezed the tender flesh. "And not Shepherd. Please don't. I don't want anyone to see me like this."

"Okay. Okay um..." He wracked his brain trying to remember back to the pain management and phantom pain lectures from medical school. Turning on the spot, his eyes were drawn to the mirror that hung in the closet with their extra lab coats. "Antidepressants, anticonvulsants, pain meds…Antidepressants, anticonvulsants, pain meds, TENS, acupuncture, and mirror box therapy." He listed all the pharmacologic and non-invasive treatments for phantom pain that he could think of. Taking two quick steps to the coat closet, he grabbed the mirror off the door and went back to the suffering blonde. "Arizona. Have you ever tried mirror box therapy?"

She looked up at him, her face streaked with tears, desperate for anything to relieve the nagging, never-ending pain. Arizona shook her head. "No. Can we give it a shot?" She raised her right leg, propping it up on the chair across from her.

He gave her a small smile, sliding the mirror between her legs, tilting it so that it rested against her residual limb.

Still chewing on her lip, Arizona glanced down into the mirror and the sight took her breath away. The optical illusion made it appear as if she had two full legs. She saw two knees, two ankles, two feet. Letting out a small teary laugh she rested her right hand on her right knee. In the mirror, it looked like she was touching her left. As she squeezed and kneaded her real right knee, she started to feel the relief in her imaginary left. The pain slowly started to ebb and she felt her pulse slow down as everything eased away. After ten minutes of silently massaging her leg, Arizona dropped her hand from her knee, tilting her head back, her eyes shut in relief. She rested in silence for another few minutes until the door of the lounge flew open. Her eyes snapped open and she looked at the door, registering her frantic girlfriend approaching her at breakneck speed. "Callie." She whispered.

The brunette stopped by Arizona's side and dropped to her knees. "I am so sorry. I got here as soon as Karev told me." She took the peds surgeon's hand in her own, looking up at the seated woman.

Standing from the couch, Mark cleared his throat. "I'll let you guys have your privacy." He had stayed while Arizona worked through her pain to make sure the blonde didn't need anything. Now that Callie was here, he knew she'd be taken care of.

As the tall man started to walk to the door, Arizona tore her eyes away from Callie's face and looked towards the retreating plastic surgeon. "Mark? Thank you so much."

He smiled back at her, punching the lock on the door. "Any time Blondie." He pulled the door shut behind him, letting it click into place.

Arizona's eyes dropped back down to Callie's as they were left alone. "I thought you were in surgery." She propped the mirror against the table and slid on her liner before reaching for her prosthetic.

Callie picked up the artificial limb and handed it to its owner before pushing herself back to her feet. She watched as Arizona put the leg back on and also pushed herself upright, still favoring her right as she held onto the table for support. "I was. But you're more important than surgery Arizona. You passed out. Why didn't you tell me the pain was this bad?" She rested a tan hand against a pale cheek.

The blonde chewed on her lip and didn't meet Callie's eyes. "It just started today. With the talk of the lawsuit…and-and it brought back all this…stuff. I tried to push it out of my head but it is overwhelming." Her eyes flashed up to Callie's. Seeing nothing but absolute love and adoration in the brown orbs, Arizona closed her eyes again, giving herself time to think. Her 'jar of worms' had been rolling around all day, clanking into the corners of her mind and threatening to break open and spill all her nasty secrets any second. She could throw up a wall here or deflect there but the memories were gaining momentum and she wouldn't be able to hold them back for much longer. Taking a deep breath she opened her eyes and looked back to her girlfriend. "We need to go home. I need to tell you about what happened after the plane crashed."


Curled up on Callie's couch, her prosthetic discarded and a blanket thrown over her lap, Arizona waited nervously for the brunette to join her. A few minutes later a warm cup of tea was placed in her hands and she looked up, smiling appreciatively at her girlfriend who sat beside her, nursing her own mug. Arizona wanted nothing more than to lean into Callie, to feel her strong arms wrapped around her. But she couldn't. Not just yet. She took a sip of her tea before taking a deep breath and meeting Callie's eyes. The brunette looked at her expectantly, waiting for her to talk.

Closing her eyes briefly and sealing herself, Arizona started. "On December 12th the clinic manager booked me a flight from the rural area where the clinic was to Lilongwe, which is the capital of Malawi. I had only been in Africa for three weeks but I just couldn't handle it. The work I was doing was amazing. And I was making a difference. But I was miserable because I missed you so damn much." Her eyes flashed up to Callie's and she frowned when she saw the guilt written all over the brunette's beautiful face. "Oh…don't do that Calliope. None of this is your fault." She set her tea down on the coffee table and moved closer, taking her girlfriend's hand in her own. "The plane was this little puddle jumper. It was supposed to take me over the Rift Valley to the main airport. We could have driven, but the drive through Rift is dangerous and long so flying seemed to be the logical choice. We'd been in the air for maybe thirty minutes when we hit the first pocket of turbulence. I tried to get my seatbelt back on but the plane was shaking too badly. I-I think the plane ripped apart in midair but I don't remember hitting the ground."

Callie couldn't help but cringe as she held desperately to the blonde's hand.

Arizona took a deep breath and continued. "When I woke up I was flat on my back, the sun was burning down on me, and someone was screaming…I was screaming," she corrected. "Once it registered that I was actually still alive, I started to check myself over. There was this…spreading blood pool under my leg and it was so easy for me to rip the soaked khakis open. And there was my femur. Sticking out in these two jagged edges." She swallowed audibly before continuing. "I remember thinking that it was something I would see on your OR table. It took me a while but I was able to drag myself back to the plane and I splinted my leg…that almost made me pass out." Her eyes once again found their way to Callie's face and she could see the tears that were starting to well up in brown eyes. She quickly looked away, determined to maintain her calm. "Remember how I told you that I have nightmares about vultures?" She waited until the brunette nodded. "Yeah…those are the ugliest birds I have ever seen in my life. But there they were, pecking away at the pilot and co-pilot. They had just died and those damned birds were already on them. I could see the co-pilot…his back anyways. I think his neck was broken and he must have had a massive head wound because there was this puddle of blood under him."

"What about the pilot." Callie asked quietly, horrified for the woman who sat next to her.

Arizona shook her head. "I don't know exactly how he died. But the only part of him that I could see was his head…still in his helmet…about two meters away…not attached to his body."

"Oh my God!" Callie gasped, her stomach twisting in knots as she swallowed rapidly, trying not to gag. The only decapitated body she had seen was in the cadaver lab in medical school where the heads were separated from the bodies during lab practicals.

The blonde's jaw clenched and she quickly reached for her tea. Taking a soothing sip, she squeezed her eyes shut, trying to dispel the images. When she felt ready, she set the tea down and continued. "Yeah…They were both dead and I was alone…and in pain. I know I was delirious from the pain by that first night and I must have passed out or something. When I came to the next day…well, the vultures had made a meal out of the two men. I don't know if during medical school when you did your path elective you saw any 'floaters?'" She was referring to bodies that ended up in the medical examiner's office after being retrieved from lakes. Their waterlogged corpses were bloated and tattered with putrefying flesh and decaying organs. She saw Callie's nod in affirmation. "That's what the co-pilot looked like the next morning. It must have been a combination of the vultures making a meal out of him and the heat…but it was horrifying."

Callie took her hand again, squeezing it tight. "I can only imagine. I am so sorry Arizona."

She gave a sad smile and nodded. "These are all things that my shrinks know. They know that I started to spike a fever. That I became delirious and was in and out of consciousness as I rested against the hull of the plane. I told them about how there were bugs in my leg. Eating my skin and muscle and laying their eggs. I tried so hard to keep it clean but I couldn't keep up. I was so dehydrated that I couldn't even control my fingers enough to pluck out some of the little beetles." She saw the horrified look on Callie's face and she swallowed as she thought about what she needed to say next. "There's a few things I never told Aimee or Jan…or anyone. Day three…I was so desperate for food. I'd thrown up after we crashed and the only thing I'd had to eat or drink in three days was some rain water and a beetle who made the mistake of coming too close to my hand. But then I realized that there was all this meat beside me…" She sounded disgusted with herself and couldn't make eye contact with the brunette. Her face was angry as she continued. "I hated myself for thinking of dead men as meat…hate myself." She heard Callie's surprised intake of breath when the implication of her words became clear. She swallowed and continued, "In that moment…to me, the co-pilot was no longer a human being. He was the left over from the vultures' meal. I was so desperate to do anything to survive…I just needed food. By this point I wasn't even feeling my leg because the intense hunger and thirst overrode every other feeling in my body." She chanced a look up at her girlfriend, expecting to see a look of disgust and hate, but was surprised when there was none.

Callie's stomach twisted in knots as she thought about what Arizona was saying. It was disgusting. It was barbaric. It was horrific. She couldn't believe what the blonde had gone through. She saw the self-loathing and disgust written all over her girlfriend's face. Arizona was ashamed of the thoughts she'd had. Callie could understand that. But she could not bring herself to be ashamed of the woman sitting before her.

When the brunette didn't pull away, Arizona took it as her signal to go on. "The next thing I knew…my hand was pulling at the co-pilot's back." Now Arizona did pull her hand away, clenching her hands into fists. "It could have kept me alive. It would have kept me alive…" She squeezed her eyes shut. "But he was a man. I'm sure he had a family. I couldn't…I didn't. I was so disgusted with myself for even thinking of resorting to it. To this day, I still hate myself for even having that thought. I mean what kind of an awful person am I?" She continued rambling before Callie could interject. "I sometimes wonder if karma is the reason I lost my leg. So that my outsides resembled my insides and the whole world could see what a monster I truly am."

Quickly grabbing the other woman's hand, Callie laced her fingers through Arizona's. "You are not a monster. Arizona you are not an awful person. You were in a horrible situation and you were desperate. I can't even pretend to know how you were feeling, but I know that if I had been there, I probably would have had the same thought. But your morals won out Arizona. That makes you a strong person. A brave person. And you should not hate yourself for having a thought in the situation that you were in. You did not act on that thought. I think you need to forgive yourself for it." She brought the pediatric surgeon's dainty hand up to her lips, pressing kisses to her knuckles. "You survived the unimaginable." She quickly wiped tears from her eyes, smearing her mascara on her cheeks. "Don't feel guilty for living when the pilot and co-pilot didn't. That is not your fault. Instead, embrace this second chance you were given. You have the ability to touch so many lives Arizona. If you want to talk about karma…you lost your leg because it was infected. Not because you did something wrong in the past. But you lived, you survived because of the good in you." She rested her palm on the blonde's cheek. "You save babies. You save kids. You saved Sofia. And every single day you save me."


I really hope that this wasn't too much for any of you to handle. It was not my intention to write about it for shock value, but rather the fact that it is a thought that could have realistically crossed her mind. (Look up the Uruguay rugby team plane crash in the 1970s).

Arizona finally cracked open that can of worms and it explains some of her self hate. The other self hate comes from hating her body and that will be tackled soon. Lawsuit and softball also to come soon. Who should get sued? What do you think the Robbins will say.

Please let me know what you think of this chapter and have a happy labor day weekend!

-MaybeIShouldGetACat