Days of Exile
Thank you for waiting patiently while I was busy in life's busy work.
The beginning of this chapter made some "Let It Go" references, can you find them? This chapter has a lot of exposition, a lot of explaining. Do read them properly. This chapter settles some of the burning issues you have been mentioning in your reviews for the longest time.
Chapter 55 – Pleading
29 January 0008
The snow glowed white on the mountain tops of Icicle Inn. As the storm raged on, there was not a footprint to be seen on the streets of the snowed-in town. In the house that belonged to Leia and her mother, Mrs Glasko, three people sat in silence.
Haato glanced at his lover, Leia Glasko. "Do you think she'll be alright? She seemed really upset about it."
Leia sighed. "I don't know. We can't fault her for feeling that way. The way Randy and Heidi treated her… they did not even look at her nor talk to her."
"Could you really blame those two people?" Mrs Glasko said quietly. "You know how the villagers feel towards Shinra. That's why you kept your job a secret all these years…"
"They were her friends…" Leia said, barely concealing her annoyance. However, she stopped herself. "Forget it. It's not like I forgot about those people."
Leia was not referring to Randy and Heidi, of course. Though Leia's voice was low and subdued, Mrs Glasko discontinued the discussion. She could not forget how upset her daughter felt when her closest friends refused to acknowledge her after finding out that she became a mercenary. Until today, they ignored her presence still. Because of that, Leia became reserved about her life. When Leia became a Turk, she wanted her mother to keep quiet about her job. She had even kept the finer details of her job a secret from Mrs Glasko.
Not that Mrs Glasko really wanted to know the details. She had kept her faithful motherly duty of keeping Leia's secret. She did not mind. She would rather not know about the things that her daughter had to do as a Turk. She could not bear to find out, sometimes. Even if her daughter turned out to be the one responsible for Meteor, she was still her daughter. No mother would abandon their children, no matter how they turn out to be. She often thought to herself.
Mrs Glasko's thoughts were interrupted when Haato asked, "Should I go and check on that kid?"
Leia smiled at Haato. Haato found emotions and concern a hassle as a Turk. His experience with the people from Gongaga was the reason for his apathy. However, in rare occasions, he would take the initiative to console someone when they were upset about something. Like what Meia said, nobody is fully evil, or fully good, for that matter. Leia stopped him by holding him back gently.
"She'll be fine," Leia said. "Just give her time."
Haato did not look convinced. "Meia never came across to me as the calm and composed type, you know. She always needed someone to be with her and talk to her."
The Icicle Inn native smiled. "Me too. However, I may think a little differently about her now. When I first told her about Randy and Heidi, she took it quite well. Perhaps she was like that when we were still Turks, but who knows what happened recently? We all grow up and change, don't we?"
"I wonder…" Haato muttered to himself, stealing a glance up the staircase. "I really wonder…"
In the guest room, Meia sat on the bed, hugging her knees and immersed in her thoughts. The wind was howling like the swirling storm of thoughts inside her mind.
Gaia knows I've tried. Meia thought. How else could I have done it better back then? Most importantly, how should I talk to them now?
She tightened her hold and wished she could find an answer within her head.
30 January 0008
The next day, Meia stood outside the door of Randy's house. "Randy!" She shouted. "Heidi! Can we please just talk?"
There was no response. It couldn't be that it is early still. She thought. Earlier on, she visited the house but decided that she was too early. After all, Meia jumped out of bed and headed straight of his house as soon as she could. Now it was close to noon, and there were people walking around the town.
"Hey Meia," said one of them when he was walking by. "Good to have you back! How are you?"
"Umm… good morning," replied Meia hesitantly. "I'm fine… I guess?"
"Looking for Randy and Heidi?"
"Yeah…" Meia watched the man walk away, surprised by the casualness of the man's tone. She had expected him to be upset about her being a Turk as much as Randy and Heidi were… unless…
Unless they had told no one about her.
Again, she pounded on the door. "Randy!" She shouted. "Heidi! Anyone?"
Finally, the door opened, revealing Mrs Ederfeld, Randy's mother. "What do you want?" She said curtly.
"I'm looking for Randy, or Heidi," Meia mumbled. "If it's not too inconvenient for you…"
"Then I shall be honest and say that it's inconvenient," snapped Mrs Ederfeld. Meia winced at her sharp tone – Randy's mother was always ready with a friendly smile to anyone. Mrs Ederfeld stopped and closed her eyes. She sighed, a clear indicator that she was not comfortable being harsh with Meia too. "… Randy does not want to see or talk to you." Her mother sighed again. "Seriously, Meia, I've always thought that you were a good girl. I didn't think that you were…"
"Mrs Ederfeld," Meia said seriously. "Being a good girl has nothing to do with whether I'm a Turk or not. That Meia Etsky that you've seen all this time? That was the real me." She pointed at herself. "She's still pretty much the same now." She looked away. "I will not deny that that is also who I am when I'm a Turk. I am not living a double life or having fake personas…" She stretched out her arms. "This is who I am. Not the Turk, not Shinra's dog… just Meia Etsky. I have never approached nor treated Randy and Heidi with any ulterior motive apart from sincerely wanting to be their friend…" Meia looked at Randy's mother. "I wouldn't be here if it were anything else."
The middle-aged woman shifted her foot. "You don't have to explain to me… Explain it to the one standing behind you."
Meia turned. "Heidi!" She cried out. The young woman smiled, but that was different from her usual joyful tackle-onto-the-snow greeting.
"Hey Meia."
"You… You are talking to me…"
Heidi smiled. "Yeah. I am…" Her awkward weight shifting of her foot told Meia that she was uncomfortable talking to her still. "Do you want to talk to Randy?"
"I do. But I also want to talk to you." Meia scratched her head. "But I don't even know where to begin…"
"It's fine." Heidi shook her head. "I heard what you've said to Mrs Ederfeld." She took Meia by her hand. "I'll bring you to Randy."
"Heidi…"
"You don't know about this, but Randy has been feeling upset since he found out about you. He really cares for the friendship, even if he's angry…" Heidi paused, not sure if she should continue. Mrs Ederfeld, however, nodded in agreement.
"I care for this friendship too." Meia grabbed Heidi's hand. "Thank you, Heidi, for trusting me… even if it's just a little bit."
The girl smiled grimly. "I want to believe you, Meia… not just for yours and my sake…" She glanced at the staircase leading to Randy's room. "It's for him, too."
Heidi led Meia up the stairs in silence. Neither of them knew the right words to say to each other. At the door of Randy's room, Heidi gestured Meia to knock on the door. Meia stared at the door, noticing the rough grain on the wooden door. Hesitatingly, she knocked on the door. Her heartbeat seemed to pound at the same time with each knock. "… Randy?" She called out. She had no idea how scared she sounded until now. "It's me. Meia."
There were sounds behind the door and suddenly, Randy's voice was heard right behind the door. "Who let you in?" He demanded with a rough voice.
Meia glanced at Heidi, who took a deep breath. "I did." She placed her hand on the door too, as if Randy would know that she was there. "I know you are going to hate me for this, Randy… But I think this cannot go on if you don't even see Meia, or even hear her out."
"Go away, the both of you."
"No, Randy," Meia said. "I won't go until I know that we are okay, or our friendship is completely over. Do you really want to let go of the fun times the three of us had? Because… because I cannot. You and Heidi were my best friends outside Shinra. I will not deny my life in Shinra, nor my connections with the Turks… but I will not deny my friendship with the both of you either. Spending time in Icicle Inn was one of the best times in my life, in so many ways that you do not know…" She paused. "And I can tell you all about this now, if you allow me to."
"Why did you not tell us?" Randy asked angrily. "Did you have any idea how stupid Heidi and I felt when we found out about you? All these years, we never asked you about your life in Midgar because we trusted you."
"Yes, I remember." Meia shook her head sadly. "You even laughed about the fact that perhaps I was with Shinra." She paused. "You had no idea how true you were."
Heidi turned to look at Meia. "So why didn't you tell us?"
"Seriously?" asked Meia. "Would you have accepted me for who I was?" There was no reply. "I… I guess I was scared of losing a life outside Shinra. I loved spending time here and being with everyone. I was afraid… so afraid that after I stopped being a Turk, I didn't see the need to come clean." She looked at Heidi regretfully. "But I really shouldn't have done that, if I was serious with the both of you… I'm sorry."
Heidi glanced at the door nervously, wondering if Randy was listening to anything that Meia was saying. Her answer came really quickly, when Randy asked in a soft but audible voice, "Did you… Did you enjoy being a Turk?"
Meia paused. She knew that the question would come eventually. "… Yes," She admitted.
"So you enjoyed killing people and watching families suffer for Shinra?"
"No, not at all." Meia shook her head frantically. She wished that Randy could open the door so that she could see his face. It was hard to phrase her answers carefully if she was unable to read his expression. All she could do now was to be brutally but sincerely honest, and hope that whatever she said would not push their relationship further than it already was. "If you really want to know how I feel about everything… the truth is, I don't know how I feel towards Shinra and being a Turk.
"Despite being a Turk for close to ten years, I am still pondering over the same question, almost every day – Am I doing the right thing, to be a Turk?" Meia paused. There was a lot of brain activity just from that question alone. She reminded herself not to be distracted and continued, "You would think that I have a clear idea, but I don't. Too many times I find conflicting ideas in my head. I love the people in the Turks, but I also don't like some things about my job."
"Assassination?" asked Heidi carefully, as though Meia would lop her head off for suggesting such an answer.
The former Turk nodded. "Assassination, kidnapping, blackmail…" She sighed. "I'm not ecstatic about that. I liked the job when we were just protecting Midgar from external forces, or espionage. Not all our jobs require killing, you know. Still, it's difficult. I'm not going to even try and deny. Shinra harbours bad intentions. Perhaps when it first started out as an Electric Company, total world domination was not its intention. However, along the way… I guess people change and people influence. Whatever the case, it is the reason why the Planet became what it is now."
"Indeed, it is," murmured Heidi. "Shinra really made our lives miserable."
"However, when I joined Shinra, I saw things differently," Meia argued. "The Turks are not as cold-hearted when they are not working. SOLDIERs are a bunch of monkeys wanting to outwin each other in a game of squats. Even some Shinra executives are actually good people who did not want to follow Shinra's dreams.
"Because of that, I always believed that everyone had a good side in them." Meia clenched her fists. "They had a sense of humour, they were loyal to their cause, albeit an unethical one… they had feelings. Seeing this more humane side of them, I really wanted everyone to understand us, to accept us… but it's hard, isn't it?" asked Meia, though she knew the answer. "Trying to tell people to forgive others who have done something wrong to them, or taken something away. I used to be upset about it. Maybe in some twisted way, maybe I was convincing myself that my decision to join the Turks was not a bad one.
Heidi shook her head. "I find that hard to believe. If you guys are so good, why join Shinra in the first place?"
"Everyone had their reasons. Mine was because it's better to be a Turk than to die out there in the slums without any protection. That and because Reno found me… um… I mean, Sinclair…"
"Reno is your Sinclair?" asked Randy suddenly. Meia jumped at the additional voice. He had been quiet since she started talking. "All this while, the person that you've fallen for is actually Reno? I've heard of him, and it's not good stuff that I was hearing."
"Um… yeah," Meia admitted. "He's not exactly the friendliest Turk around when he's on the job. Then again, none of us are what we are when we are on the job. It's not like we enjoy and relish being soaked in..." Meia did not finish her sentence. "But we do it because… sad to say, it IS our job." She laughed humourlessly. "Sounds like an excuse, but it's the best I could give."
There was silence. Clearly Randy and Heidi did not accept her explanation. Meia sighed to herself. She was a lousy reconciler, but she had done her best.
"Listen, Randy, Heidi," said Meia. "I can never come to terms with Shinra. I've spent my last ten years trying to. I can't. What I've done, I cannot remove. I have done wrong things under the name of a Turk, and I'm not proud of it at all."
Meia could clearly hear Heidi release a small sigh of relief. She continued, "I'm not here today to spend my time justifying my past actions because… can the dead rise again? Will families be reunited? I'm hate to say this because it sounds like I'm very heartless, but whatever that Shinra has done, has been done. Nothing we can do can amend that. Nothing we can do can make right what has happened to the Planet… And we are sorry about that. About everything that had happened."
"Saying 'sorry' isn't going to make everything right again," replied Randy curtly.
Meia bit back a retort. "I'm not expecting my apologies to make things right. None of us expects forgiveness. We joke about it, but deep down, we know."
Randy spoke again. "So what now? You've come clean. Should we forgive you and we move on?"
Meia laughed dryly. "How can I expect you to do that? It's okay if nobody forgives us for what we have done. It's okay if we live down the Planet's history as the tribe of merciless people… I think we can live with that. What's more important for us is how we will live our lives from here on. There's no more Shinra. All of us… just want to live properly now. I know that as far as possible, I want to use what I have for something good. What can I do? I'm not sure but I will find out." Meia took a deep breath. Finally, her exposition was over, even though she was unsure if they could understand her. "So… if the two of you still decide not to be friends with a murderer like me, it's okay. I understand."
"Meia…" Randy said. "… We care for you deeply. However, we are still very betrayed by what has happened. Maybe not Heidi, since she could bring you up here, but I feel so."
"I understand."
"Please leave."
"Randy!" Heidi cried. Meia felt a pang in her heart at Randy's words. Were all her efforts futile?
"We need time… I need time," explained Randy. "So… just go."
Heidi pulled Meia aside and spoke quietly. "Guilty or not, it's never easy to confess what you've confessed." She paused and took a deep breath. "Thanks… for coming to talk to us."
Meia smiled. She hoped that what she had explained made sense. She spent the most of her time on those issues the most, during the time that she was captured by Hojo. She may not have figured everything out, she may never figure everything out, but it was the best that she could do in balancing the confusion in her heart.
Someday, hopefully, Randy and Heidi can see that too. "Thank you for listening to me, despite your emotions." Meia glanced at Heidi. "This may really be the last time we're talking like this, right? So I better say everything else that I want to say." Meia took a deep breath. "Thank you… The two of you have been the best people who gave me a chance to live a life normally." She knocked on the door gently. "Thank you, Randy, for talking to me in Costa del Sol. Your initiative to talk to me really cheered me up at a time that I needed someone the most." She smiled at Heidi. "Heidi, thank you for always helping me and making sure that I was comfortable in your hometown. The reason why I could fall in love with Icicle Inn so easily was probably because of you. For that, I thank you." Meia held Heidi's hand and leaned forward so that her forehead touched Randy's cold wooden door. "I wish you the happiest of marriages."
With that, she walked out of Randy's house, without another backward glance.
I had done all I could to salvage this friendship. That was what she told herself.
Still, that knowledge did not stop her from crying softly to herself that night.
Randy and Heidi did not approach Meia for the next few days. Meia guessed that they were busy with their wedding preparations. As with Icicle Inn tradition, weddings are usually held in the house of the groom. Randy's house must be mad with cleaning and decorating. Meia smiled to herself.A short ceremony followed by a good party was the preferred way of doing things in this quiet town.
That was why there was a huge surprise when, on the day of Randy and Heidi's wedding, there was a sudden change of location. Apparently, the pipe in the kitchen was broken and water was leaking. The wedding was changed to the town square, right in the middle of the town, where Meia could see the entire wedding ceremony from her bedroom window.
The wedding was indeed beautiful. Heidi looked dazzling, wearing her gown that shimmered with the streetlamps in the town square. Randy looked blissful as he took Heidi's hand and they stood before the town chief. Meia sniffed. She was grateful for that broken pipe, if not she would not have seen her two closest friends on their happiest day.
Later on, during the party that was also shifted outdoors, Randy and Heidi simultaneously glanced up at Meia's window. Meia blinked, a little embarrassed that they had caught her spying on them. But the two of them smiled knowingly, which made Meia wonder if the pipe in the kitchen was really broken in the first place.
Thank you for reading.
