An update quicker than I had expected. Enjoy, my great friends!

Disclaimer: I do not own twilight


Jasper's POV

I couldn't help it.

I had no idea how my body went from standing in the kitchen with Alice to wanting to hurt her dad. It was like I had no control over what my body did. I guess I just zoned out. But then again, that couldn't' have been possible because I remembered everything; I just wanted to fight against it. Let's just face it, I'm a mental case. I may not be a mind reader but I could tell by the look of Carlisle's face that he thought exactly the same thing. He wouldn't want me living with his family. He wouldn't want me to hurt them; neither is he willing to put up with me anymore. I have already put them through enough. I could tell by the look he gave me as he walked back into my room that this would be the last time I would be in here. Tomorrow, I would wake up in a white padded room where Carlisle would ditch me and rid of me once and for all. It will be where I spend the rest of my life.

I failed Alice. I had finally figured out my feelings for her and now everything has been destroyed because there was no way she would want me now and even if she did, I would class her as crazy. If she could accept such behaviour from me then I truly have no idea what is going on through her mind. I wished she could be here right now to comfort me. I wanted her to put her arms around me as I nuzzled my nose in the side of her neck.

As I feel a light touch against my hair, my eyes slowly open after realising that I had been sleeping. My eyes met with Carlisle's as he sat on a chair by my bed. Wow, my bed. When did I last sleep in this thing? I miss my corner already.

"What time is it?" I whispered.

"It's just gone six. You've only been out for an hour" he replied back with a gentle smile.

It was a good job that it was only an hour. If I had fallen into a proper sleep, I would have had a nightmare about him again although now I'm unsure who 'him' really was. I nodded at him and then turned my head the other way so I couldn't see him.

"You know, you still haven't explained to me what that was all about" Carlisle hinted gently.

Hint all you want, you're not going to find out. There was no way in hell I was going to tell him that I had a nightmare of him doing the exact same things my father did on a daily basis. If Esme wanted to tell him then so be it but my mouth was remaining zipped up so I ignored him.

"I want Alice" I whispered.

He sighed but I didn't hear him move from his seat. I bet he didn't want me to go near her anymore. I didn't blame him. What if my body gets out of control again but tries to hurt her? Just the thought of it makes me want to cut myself. I would die before I hurt her.

"I need her" I pleaded, desperately.

"I can't allow you to do that, Jasper. If I have no idea what caused such an outburst, how do I know it's not gonna happen while Alice is here?" Carlisle questioned.

I was right. He really didn't want me to be around his daughter anymore. Even though I may not be here tomorrow, he wouldn't even let me see her one last time to say goodbye. I realised that he had actually blackmailed me but tried to hide it. He said he wouldn't let me see her because he didn't know what caused my 'outburst' so what he was trying to say was that he would let me see her if I told him what it was about.

"I told you to ask Esme" I replied.

Why couldn't he just get the damn answer from her? Maybe she could even tell him the news about me and Alice too although I already knew that he wouldn't approve of it. He would force us to break up because he would think I would hurt her. I would never do that though; not on purpose.

"Please Carlisle. I really don't want to talk about it" I begged.

I turned my head around to show him my pleading eyes which I have noticed works on people when I use it. With another sigh, he nodded and then turned around to leave. Now that he was gone, I focused on Alice. I wish that she would come into my room right now so that she could talk to me and tell me that she forgives me although I doubt she would.

I needed to feel her close to me just like the time she had joined me in the hospital bed. That may have been one of my favorite moments ever despite the reason why I was in hospital. I needed her right now. I needed to feel her touch, I needed her to brighten my emotions, I wanted to feel her lips on mine, I wanted to feel her soft skin underneath her shirt, maybe even raising my hand further and further up. Stop!

I shouldn't be thinking this!

I wasn't allowed to think this!

Oh Jesus! It even gave me a fucking erection. No! This was so sick! I should stop thinking about her. I couldn't ever let our relationship get on the sexual side. I know exactly what it feels like and it hurts like fuck. I can't let Alice go through that; I just can't. And how the fuck was I gonna get rid of this? My father usually takes care of this when it happens but he wasn't here and there was no way in hell that I was touching myself.

The only time I have ever done that was when my father ordered me to. Fuck, I'm gonna have to find a fucking way to get rid of it.

God, how could I be so fucking sick? This was so wrong of me. I began to pull at my hair in stress, unsure about what to do.

Pain!

Yeah; I deserved it. Carlisle would be disappointed in me but if he knew what had been going through my mind, he would pass a fucking knife to me. I have to think about this. Where the fuck could I find a sharp object? I knew that Carlisle hid them and probably got the others to hide them too so maybe somebody had something in their room worth using against my wrist.

At the thought, I got out of my bed and quietly opened the door. I didn't see anyone so I walked to the nearest door to me and pressed my ear against it to see if I could hear anybody. I didn't but to double check, I knocked on the door. I didn't want to open the door if somebody was in there. They would wonder what the hell I was doing walking in their room like that. Luckily, there was no response so I opened the door and looked around. Nobody was here.

It was a very big room that even had a piano placed on the left next to a wardrobe. It may have been Edward's room then since Alice told me how he was a gifted pianist. I heard him play it often, too, and I have to agree that he was pretty good. I began to look on his shelves and through his drawers to see if there was anything sharp enough to cut through my skin. I found clothes, pens, CD's, books but nothing useful and I wasn't willing to rip a page out of one of those again because he would notice.

It was when I spotted his schoolbag when I realised that there was one sharp object that is usually found in stationary. I rushed to it and took out his pencil case, searching through it. There was no luck so I searched through another pocket which was when I picked out a math set; and in that math set contained a ruler, a pencil, a protractor and the object that brought a smile to my lips; a compass.

The sharp bit at the end was obviously my favorite part. I was looking forward to that thing sinking into my wrist; and perhaps a vein. I took the compass out of the set and then returned it into his bag before quietly leaving his room; taking the precious object with me.

I returned to the safety of my room, sitting right by the door as I shut it so that nobody could walk in on me. I removed my shirt, disgusted at the sight of my horrible scarred body. I decided against using my wrists so that when I have my check up, they will think that I stopped since they won't see any fresh scars. And even if they did ask me to remove my shirt, it wouldn't seem too suspicious because they already know how self conscious I am about the scars that lay beneath the shirt.

I started on my left side as I began at the top; drawing a large line as it reaches down to my waist. It had felt a little bumpy at first where it had crossed my still very visible ribs. Now it hurt as I breathed in and out.

Good

I deserve it.

My left side was next but this time, I decided to go diagonal. I started from my top rib to the middle of my abdomen. Tears began to fall at the pain. I was turning into such a fucking baby now. I use to be able to take this pain. The Cullen's were trying to soften me up. Next, I decided to do something a little different. Although I couldn't see it well, I decided to carve letters into my chest. I wanted to write something like 'sick fuck' or 'waste' or even 'unwanted property'. I mean, what the hell? I'm still sure that Carlisle was sending me to that place for crazy people so I might as well. But in the end, I settled for an 'A+J'. It was a little fucked up, I know, but I needed to remind myself that I should never ever hurt her. My head leaned back against the door as I sigh in relief, taking in the pain but somebody found some perfect timing as I heard and felt a knock on the door.

"Jasper?"

Alice

"Fuck" I muttered to myself.

I so badly wanted to let her in but I currently had blood dripping down my chest which I was trying hard not to get on the carpet. I couldn't just put my shirt on because it will stain and then everybody will see. Fuck it!

"Don't come in. I'm getting changed" I yelled.

"It's half six, Jazz. What are you getting changed into? Because Esme didn't by you any nightwear" she asked curiously.

Damn, she's smart. I rushed to my drawer that Carlisle had put back together while I was having my hour nap and took out my old shirt. I wiped my blood on to it, wincing as I put pressure on it. It won't stop fucking bleeding! Why was this happening? I took out another shirt but this time I put it on. It was black so blood shouldn't be visible. I hid the bloody shirt at the back of the drawer and hopefully I could find the time to bin it without anybody finding out.

At last, I was done so I opened the door to see Alice's face light up.

"Jazz!" She called before wrapping her arms around me.

A gesture I have been waiting for.

"Are you okay? What happened?" She asked.

I wasn't sure what to say. She seemed rather concerned for me but I had expected the slightest hint of fear but I didn't see it at all. Why wasn't she scared of me? It wasn't long ago when she saw a knife in my hand pointing at her father. She reached her hand to my face to move a strand of hair out of the way.

"Your eyes aren't as blue as they usually are" she noted.

"They aren't?" I questioned.

She shook her head. "No. They are like a really dark blue, almost black. It looks really strange. Are you sure that you are okay?" She asked.

I nodded at her. I didn't want to worry her anymore than I already had. I panicked as I began to notice that my shirt was feeling damp. Shit! If she cuddled me or got too close again, she would notice. I backed away from her a little, an action she noticed. She gave me a confused expression but I didn't want her to get suspicious.

"I er, I'm kinda tired" I lied.

"I guess it's understandable after today. Shopping exhausts you, doesn't it?" She agreed.

I gave her a small smile and she returned it.

"Do you want me to stay with you while you rest?" She asked.

She knew how much I loved that. She knew how much I hated being without her as I slept. She makes my nightmares less likely to happen. My favorite night was when I slept in her room. That was the first full night I had without a nightmare. Carlisle didn't set many rules but the one I hated most was that I couldn't sleep in her room so instead, she spends her night in my room until I fall asleep. After that, she would return to her own room and get some sleep.

Her offer was one that I couldn't resist. Well if I was hiding my body, she wouldn't notice my damp, bloodied shirt. It stung like fuck but I didn't give a shit. I wonder how long I could keep Edward's compass before he realises it's missing? I doubt he'll know it's me.

"Yeah, I'd like that" I smiled.

She grinned, glad about my answer and then kneeled by the bed that I was now resting in. Despite actually feeling rather tired, my eyes remained open as they gaze at Alice. I couldn't help it. She was unbelievably beautiful.

I never thought that I would be able to get a girlfriend so the thought of now being with the prettiest girl I have ever seen just didn't seem possible. But it was.

"What?" Alice questioned.

"Nothing. I'm just thinking about how pretty you are" I whispered.

She smiled shyly. May I repeat the word shyly? Because Alice and shy don't sound right in the same sentence.

"Really?"

I nodded at her. She leaned towards me and placed a kiss on my forehead, the bridge of my nose and then my lips.

"When I first saw you, Jasper, I remember noticing how cute you were. And I hadn't actually thought that about anyone else. I mean, there's a lot of people I think are cute but I think you are really cute".

I truly didn't understand what exactly it was she found 'cute' about me. I had a bony figure, I was covered in scars, I was shaking 65% of the time and can never think straight.

"How?" I asked.

"Well, your bright blue eyes are definitely my favorite. I didn't even realise it was possible for them to be that blue. And in second place is your dimple that always appears when you smile. Your hair is also really cute. It's just so..different, I guess. I love it. I love you" she said before bringing her lips to mine again.

I was so fucked up that I couldn't even return her the fucking love. I so badly wanted to say it but something was holding me back and it fucking scared me. I ended up just smiling at her to show her the dimple that she seemed to like.

It worked though, as her smile grew. Soon enough, I closed my eyes as Alice continued to speak to me. Who needed to hear a lullaby when I had her voice?

Like it?

Coming up...The disappearance of Edward's compass, Esme and Carlisle's discussion about Jasper followed by Bella coming round for dinner!

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