That night Juice couldn't sleep at all. He woke up around twenty times. Grace was literally haunting him in his dreams, the last time he woke up, panicking. He couldn't and didn't want to lose her, but he already had because he was such a stupid asshole. He never wanted to be a boyfriend who cheated on the girl he loved. He still however wasn't sure what he should do, but he knew that he wanted her back. He searched for his phone and thought about calling her, but it was still so early so he decided to text her. 'Hey, I'm sorry about yesterday. I know this was the stupidest thing I ever did and I never meant to hurt you so bad. Maybe, if you want, we could talk about everything again, also about the sex thing. Leonie talked to me for a while yesterday and I think I know what I want.' Well, he could understand if she didn't want to talk again, but at least he wanted to try.
. . .
Grace had just muttered a goodbye when she had came home, where after she had went to bed immediately. She cried for two hours, until she was exhausted and fell asleep. When she woke up it was still dark. There was a cramping feeling in her stomach, and immediately she remembered what Juice had done. He had cheated on her, when she had been just a few meters away. He had told her that the girl, that the blow meant nothing to him, but why had he done it if it meant nothing to him and she did? She just couldn't understand, she really didn't. He hadn't wanted her to do it, because he was afraid he wanted more. How she would feel about this, clearly hadn't crossed his mind. When had he became so selfish? He had always been so gentle, so understanding. Had that just been an act? Again tears ran down her face. How would he feel now? Was he with another woman, doing what he wanted to do for so long? As she was staring at the ceiling, her phone lit up. She grabbed the device and took a look at it, her insides freezing as she saw it was a text from him. She read the message three times, trying to feel something, but there was only this hurt, this desperation, the knowledge that they could probably never go back to the way things had been. Should she go talk to him tomorrow? Could their relationship still be saved? She was curious to what Leonie had told him, and she also wondered if the two had been sleeping after she had left the clubhouse. Again she read the text; that he was sorry, that he had never meant to hurt her. She let out a frustrated sigh. Then what had been the reason that he had done it? Her fingers were trembling as she held the device. What decision would he have made? That he wanted to try it again? Grace didn't know if she could handle another blow like this, she didn't even know how this would change her. He was the first man she had loved - and he treated her like this. But maybe he had just realized that it would never work, that he loved sex too much to live without it and did he just hate the way they had split. After doubting for ten minutes, she answered "Okay", knowing she would regret it later if she wouldn't go talk to him.
Juice waited for an answer and it didn't take long before his phone vibrated. Quickly, he checked the message and it was only one word. Well, at least she gave him an answer. 'Okay, text me as soon as you have time and where you wanna meet', he texted. Was it the right thing? Or would it hurt her more to see him again?
'Can't sleep or eat anyway, so the sooner the better I guess. Your apartment around 8.30?' Grace sighed deeply, hating the hope she felt.
'Yeah, sure, I'm there!' Great, he felt even worse now, she couldn't even eat or sleep. He couldn't either, but he had deserved a sleepless night.
The hours that passed until it was 8.30 called up so many mixed feelings that she was completely stressed out, to such an extent that she was even afraid her hair would fall out. She put on some casual clothes and tried to hide her sleepless night behind some make-up, but it was a lost cause. Ten minutes before they had agreed to meet, she stepped in the car and drove to his home. Even before she had rung the bell the tears were stinging in her eyes again; tonight she had been afraid she would never see this door again and now she was staring at it nonetheless.
Juice opened the door. "Hey," he said nervously, rubbing his neck. She still looked so sad, so fragile and it broke him inside. It broke him that he was the reason for this. "Come in." He waited until she was inside and closed the door.
Grace folded her hands and looked skittishly at him as she muttered a greeting. Yesterday she had been so calm, but it felt like she had been in shock, and now she fully understood what he had done. She walked to the living room and sat down on a chair at the dinner table; the couch was giving her too much memories and she didn't want his touch to influence her thoughts.
Juice followed her and sat down on the other chair, where he could look at her perfectly. "I'm sorry about yesterday. You have to understand me, it's hard for me, which is no excuse of course." He looked at her, grabbing her hands. "Fact is that I want you... I want you more than sex. And Leonie told me that I have to make a sacrifice if you're important to me. It won't be easy, but I would want to give it a chance. I-I can understand if you don't want to, but maybe you want to think about it."
"I thought you were already giving it a chance," she muttered, pulling away her hands and staring at the table top. "What were you thinking, when you took that girl to your room? I try to understand it but I just don't... I might have gotten it if you wanted to sleep with her, wanted to do what you couldn't do with me... But this... this feels just pointless." She clenched her hands to fists, her nails cutting in the palm of her hands when the tears started to itch again.
"I don't know what I was thinking, I was pissed, frustrated... hurt. Sometimes I think that you think I'm not the right guy for you and that that's the reason you don't wanna sleep with me," he sighed, resting his head in his hands. "It was pointless, and I'm sorry."
Grace started to sob again. She tried to control her breathing, but she just could't and she was sniffling for a long time. In the end she heaved a deep sigh and thought about his words. "It feels wrong to forgive you so soon," she muttered. "But I - I love you, and I know people make mistakes. It's just... it needs time to heal." She wiped her eyes. "But how are we going to make sure this isn't going to happen again? Cause... I lost my trust in you and every night I will be scared that you cheat again..."
Juice looked at her, sadness in his eyes. He had hurt her so much, actually he didn't deserve that girl at all. "I love you too, and I understand if you can't forgive me right away, I don't ask for that. But maybe we can still try it so I can gain your trust again." He stood up and sat down on the chair next to her. "I won't do it again. Would you feel better if I don't sleep in the club for a while anymore? I don't take girls to my apartment, you were the first... well, except for Faye."
"Yeah... That might help..."
"Okay, then I'll do that. And I can call you every night if that helps too," he suggested.
" Also..." She hesitated, knowing he wouldn't like it. Nervously she twisted her ring. "I don't wanna... Do things until I have been able to forgive you."
Juice looked at her and took her hands in his again. "Yeah... I understand. It's okay. It's my fault that you don't trust me anymore so I have to live with the consequences."
Grace looked at their hands and swallowed. In a whim she pulled back her hands and hugged him. "Please don't ever do that again," she whispered. "I can't lose you."
Juice shook his head quickly and wrapped his arms around her tightly. "I won't... I won't do this again, baby," he whispered back. "You won't lose me."
Grace breathed in his scent, enjoyed his arms around her, but still she felt a bit uncomfortable. She pulled back, and looked at him, into those beautiful eyes. Eyes that had watched another girl last night. A shiver traveled through her body and she sat up straight again. Part of her wanted to go home, wanted to be alone, but she knew that completely pushing him away now wouldn't help them. "You got any breakfast?" she muttered.
It had felt so good to hold her in his arms again; yesterday he had been afraid that he'd never be able to do that again. Not one minute had passed without that fear of losing her. He cleared his throat as she pulled back, but he wanted to give her time. "Uhm sure, what do you want?" he asked, standing up and taking her hand. As soon as they were in the kitchen he let go of it again and opened the fridge.
Grace let her hands slide into her pockets; he had held her hand often enough for today. "A sandwich or something?"
"Sure!" He handed her a sandwich, something he always had in his fridge, and a glass of juice. "You have any plans today?"
Grace sat down at the table and started to eat; slowly, there was still a twisted knot in her stomach. "I have to work at 1. You?" It was Saturday; usually he only went to the garage if there was a lot of work, even though he would hang out in the clubhouse anyway.
Juice leaned against the fridge and studied her. At least she ate something. "Not much. If you want I can come to your work after I did my work in the garage."
Grace stared at her food, she was halfway but she had lost her appetite. "I think I'm just going to hang out with some friends. I eh, need some time, I think... seeing each other twice a week is enough for now."
Juice sighed, but then nodded. "Okay, if you want that. But you can call me anytime if you change your mind, I'm not busy at the moment." He wasn't sure if they could work this out, but he really hoped they would.
Grace ate in silence, feeling more and more uncomfortable with each passing second. She wanted to break the silence, but her thoughts shot back to that moment that the girl had left his room time and time again. She quickly wiped her eyes as they started to get wet again and gave up the last part of her sandwich. "I eh, I should go," she muttered, rubbing her forearm over her stomach because it ached.
"You weren't even here for half an hour," he sighed. "But if you don't feel comfortable right now... you can go."
"Sorry," she muttered. "I just... I just keep thinking about that girl. I want to forget about it but I can't control it. Maybe... maybe it's just too soon to be around you again. It was just a few hours ago that you..." Sighing, she opted silence. There was no point in keeping talking about it; they couldn't change what had happened anyway.
"I'm just afraid this will be always in your mind now as soon as you see me. But maybe we need some space now," he agreed. Maybe it would really help if she wouldn't see him the next days.
"I just don't know how to do this. Maybe I should talk about it with my father. After all, forgiving our loved ones, and even our enemies, is something God wants us to do."
"Wait, no!" His eyes grew wide at her words. "Your father will hate me again... and he'll probably tell your mom. She already hates me enough."
Despite the situation she chuckled softly at the sight of his shocked face. "No silly, I'm going to ask him how you forgive people who hurt you, I'm not going to tell them what you did. Could be a question about a friend too - or even about my mom." She dropped her eyes. "For I haven't forgiven her either."
"Oh, okay, that's way better," he sighed in relief. Damn, he really had gotten a little heart attack. He crouched down in front of her. "Maybe you should forgive her. She was sure that I would hurt you... and I did - so she wasn't so wrong."
"I know I should forgive her, but I just don't know how. I hated how she acted around you, how she still talks about you." She bent her head and fought against the tears. "Even though she might have been right. It still hurts if someone is talking trash all day long about someone you love. Even if he makes mistakes."
"Believe me, I hate it too how she talks about me, but we can't change it. You can't be mad at her forever." Wow, he was surprised by his own words, but he didn't want to be the reason why she was mad at one of the most important persons in her life. "I'm so sorry for that stupid mistake, Grace."
"I know." Grace sighed, her shoulders slumped down. "Did you enjoy it?" she muttered. She didn't even know why she was asking that. Of course he had, if not he wouldn't have done it. But she hoped that talking open about the subject helped her to make peace with it.
"Grace come on, you really wanna talk about this?" he asked, frowning. Wouldn't that hurt her even more? He stood up and leaned against the table. "Well, I think one can't not enjoy it, but it wasn't the same, not even a bit. It didn't mean anything."
Grace shrugged. "Talking about it makes it... easier to accept, I think." Actually she had wondered if guilt had plagued him during the act, but apparently not, perhaps because he could so easily distinguish meaningless sex from meaningful sex. Those seemed just to be two different things for him. "You think you would have told me?"
Juice nodded slowly and bent his head. "Yeah, I would've told you. I feel like crap and I regret what I did. The least thing I can do is to be honest."
She wondered if he would have felt so guilty too if he hadn't seen how this affected her, especially because it had meant nothing to him. "Maybe I should find a distraction by someone else too. You know, to get even." She kept her face straight, but she was obviously joking, she was just dying to make the situation a little lighter. For he was right; she was only here for half an hour and if things kept feeling so forced, she was afraid that he would lose interest in her.
"What ? No... you aren't like that. I mean - you..." he stammered, his face turning pale. No, she really wasn't like that, she just said it to give him a feeling how she felt right now. Or... would she? He brushed some of her curls behind her ear and studied her beautiful face. "I wanna be the only guy you ever think about."
She shrugged. "I wanted to be that girl too. Seems nothing but fair if I seek out for a little comfort too in the healing process, right? Might even help." She winked, the hint of a teasing grin around her lips.
"Well, it would be fair. But I don't -" he stopped talking when he saw that teasing grin of hers. "You know how to drive me crazy," he chuckled briefly, looking forward into her eyes.
Hearing him chuckle, made the longing rise to kiss his lips. She however didn't want that, not so soon, so she leaned back a little more. "Well a friend of Adrian tried to get me on a date a couple of days ago and I have to admit that he was quite attractive, so if I'm really having a hard time to forgive you I might just do that, so that we've both made the same mistake and there's no longer something to blame you for." For a brief moment she wondered if that would really help their situation. It sounded ridiculous, and she would never allow anything else than a kiss, but Juice didn't need to know that and if she couldn't find another way to forgive him, it could turn out to be a last resort. Except that she would play with someone else's feelings, she realized a bit ashamed, letting go of the idea immediately.
As he heard the story of Adrian's friend he became jealous pretty quickly. It was probably also someone from church and maybe a good match for Grace, but he wasn't a fan of that idea at all. "Can't you do a different mistake than I did? Believe me, I learned my lesson," he answered. Would the same mistake really help her? He didn't think so, it would make things worse and maybe she'd feel like a bitch in the end - and he didn't want that. Grace wasn't like that, she never would be and he was actually glad about that.
Despite the serious content it was kinda funny to watch his face and she raised her eyebrows. "Yeah? What mistake would that be?" She rested her elbows on her knees and leaned forward, looking curiously at him.
"I, uh, I don't know. Whatever you think would help... but not doing the same shit I did," he muttered, still kinda afraid she'd do it. Juice stroked her cheek with the back of his fingers. "Don't do that to me."
Grace looked right into his eyes, ignoring his touch even though it certainly did something to her. "Why not? You know you deserve my pain."
"Yeah, I know that I deserve it. But are you really like that? That would be the complete opposite of your lifestyle." He looked at her determined.
She shrugged. "Is it? An eye for an eye is coming directly from the Bible," she reminded him with a slight grin
"Then could you stop listening to the bible for just once? Just in that case..." Now a slight grin formed on his lips too.
"Why?" she whispered, her thumb slowly stroking the curve of his lower lip. "Can be a nice way for me to solve things, making out with another hot guy," she said, holding his glance. "Just... tasting someone else for once." Now Adrian's friend wasn't exactly hot, he was cute at most, and she had never found anyone hot but Juice, but he didn't need to know that.
"You really wanna taste someone else, huh?" he asked in a whisper, his fingertips gliding over her arm, up to her neck. He rested his hand there and pulled her head closer to his. "Don't you wanna rather taste me?" His lips brushed hers but he didn't kiss her.
"You're not getting a kiss from me for at least a month, young man," she whispered to his lips. "That's why I might need someone else."
"One month without a kiss? What are you tryin' here? Killing me?" he asked with a chuckle. "Come on... one quick kiss and I'm happy."
"But that's the whole point," she said, leaning back again. "I don't want you to be happy right now." She looked him in the eye, now serious again. "I want to see how you deal with it. If you can stay faithful with zero intimacy."
Juice sighed and sat back straight again. "But that was never what we said. I'm okay with no sex, but without even a kiss? For a whole month? You know that's not a relationship at all then, right?" he asked, frowning.
"Oh you better hope that it's just for one month." She stood up. "I might not be yelling or crying anymore, but I'm still hurt, I'm still pissed. If you don't want to consider it as a relationship; fine, call it a break, but the moment another woman touches you we're done. For good," she said on a fierce tone.
"I get that you're still hurt and that's okay, everyone would be. But damn, you're asking for too much, Grace. I don't need another woman, I need you. But again this feels more like a friendship than a relationship," he huffed, sighing. "So I guess we just call it a break."
"Whatever you want." Her slipped her hands into her pockets. She would still call it a relationship, it raised too many questions otherwise. His words however gave her an unsatisfied feeling and she looked at him. "You really think I'm asking too much from you?"
"Don't act like I'm the bad one again." He stood up and looked at her, not really sure what to say anymore. This whole relationship stuff was going to be pretty complicated. "I told you that I understand you, but you can't ask me not to touch or kiss you for weeks or months, I'm your boyfriend not some guy you just met."
"Yeah, you're the boyfriend who asked some other girl to suck your dick," she huffed, not even bothering about her language anymore. Suddenly she couldn't control her anger anymore. "What do you expect from me Juice? That I can just move on? Start from where we left? That we can pretend nothing happened, that you didn't crush my heart? You say that you understand me, but I clearly doubt that, so yeah, maybe I should let another guy go into my pants so that you know how much this fucking hurts!" she yelled, tears jumping in her eyes. She breathed in deeply, clenching her fists in anger. She turned around, she was done with this talk, done with him.
"Do you even listen to me?! God damn it, I try to change for you, which I actually shouldn't do, but I do it because I love you! You don't even appreciate that I really want to try it without sex, instead you ask me to keep my hands off you completely!" Now he was the one yelling. It pissed him off that she didn't understand him at all. "Then do it! Let anyone else touch you if that's what you want!" He was so angry that he didn't even care about his own words. If that's what she wanted - fine, she could have it.
"I thought you were already trying without sex!" she yelled back. "I appreciated that all the time! You betrayed me, Juice, I can ask you whatever I want!"
"I did, but it's getting harder and now I'm not even allowed to fuckin' touch you! Every normal girl wouldn't make such a big deal out if sex!" He knew that his words would hurt her, but her words hurt him, too.
"Every normal girl would have given you the middle finger after what you did, but I wanted to honestly give you another chance. Yes, on my terms. And if you don't like these terms, then we're done."
"I guess we're done then. If I want a friendship, I call you again," he hissed.
Grace gritted her teeth, not knowing what more to say and stormed out of the house.
Juice let her leave, there was nothing he could say anymore to save their relationship, not right now. They were both too angry and in their own thoughts. He slammed the door behind him and shook his head.
