Author's Note: Hello All. Welcome to ICFY Chapter 50! Well, sadly, there is only one more chpater to Ana & Jasper's story (which doesn't really count, because it's just the epilogue) It has been an amazing journey. I have to thank everyone who has read, and reviewed. Seriously, if it wasnt for you guys, I dont know if I would have made it this far in the story. A HUGE thank you to my best friend, Layce-Lou, my Bella, my muse, my inspiration :D I dont want anyone to fret though, because where Ana and Jasper's story ends, Jade and Edwards begins! So read/enjoy/review! Love You All So Much!
P.S Do I really need to put a disclaimer? Ahh what the hell, I will for old times sake. I am not now, nor have I ever been Stephanie Meyer, therefore, I do not own the awesomeness that is Twilight, but Jade and Ana are all mine ;) Elijah too!
Chapter 50: To Feel Your Soul
" Love until it hurts and when it hurts, love some more. Love until you don't care about the pain, until you stop expecting anything in return, until all that matters is loving that person the best way that you can."-Unknown.
I peer through the window of the NICU, watching Jasper hold Lilliana, a look of wonderment on his face. I sigh heavily, closing my eyes. Jasper being here should be a good thing, yet why do I feel completely lost? Completely alone. This is what I wanted the whole time, and yet I feel somewhat disgruntled by his presence.
" Hey," someone's voice catches my attention, pulling me out of my own thoughts. I look up and smile at Elijah.
" Hey. What are you doing here?" I ask, turning to lean back against the window.
" I thought I would be the first to bring Lily a gift," he says, holding the cutest pink bear out to me. I smile as I hold it to my chest.
" Thank you," I say, stifling the sudden tears.
" How long has he been in there?" he asks, motioning with his head towards where Jasper is sitting.
" About an hour," I say, sighing heavily. The silence grows tense, before Elijah finally lets out a small laugh. I look up at him, as he nervously runs his hand through his hair.
" You and I were never going to happen huh?" he asks, and I look at him, smiling sadly.
" I'm sorry Elijah, if I gave you that impression. But the sad truth of it all, is that as much as that man in there, infuriates me, and believe me he does, he has my heart," I whisper, wishing that I didn't have to hurt him this way. A tear softly falls down my face, and I lower my head, caught somewhat off guard by Elijah's hand catching my chin between his fingers, forcing me to look at him.
" Hey, it's okay. I think all along I knew that you and I would never happen. I understand love Ana, just like I understand that Jasper and you are so meant to be together it should be illegal," he says, pulling me into a sweet hug. " I will always be here for you Ana, no matter what happens. Just because 'we' never happened doesn't mean that we cant be friends." I cry softly into his shirt.
" Thank you Elijah, for everything," I say, and I watch as he walks away, my heart aching the whole time.
I push through the door of the NICU and approach Jasper cautiously. My heart thudding dully at the way that he touches her, the look of pain and fear alive in his eyes.
" She's so tiny," Jasper whispers out, not bothering to look over at me.
" I know, but the doctor says that she is getting stronger every day," I say, laying my hand on the incubator as I look down at our sleeping daughter.
" Just like her mother. Strong, and beautiful," he says, and I lift my eyes to look at him in disbelief. Is he really trying to hit on me, at a moment like this? I shift nervously from foot to foot wondering what can be said.
" Excuse me, but I'm going to have to ask you both to leave for now, shift change is coming up," one of the nurses says, and I nod, used to the routine by now.
" When can I come back," Jasper asks, his voice anxious.
" Don't worry, we can come back in forty-five minutes," I say, gently taking his hand to lead him out of the NICU. We stand in the hallway, silence falling around us. I look down at my feet, wiggling my toes in the pink slippers that Emmett had bought me.
" Can we talk?" Jasper suddenly asks, and I nod, dreading what's coming.
" Sure," I lead him down the hall, to my hospital room. I open the door and see Jade and Edward sitting, murmuring amongst themselves. I clear my throat gently and Jade turns her towards me and Jasper, nodding subtly before she stands up to lead Edward out of the room. I shuffle slowly to the bed and sit slowly.
" How was London?" I ask, trying to find something, anything to talk about.
" It was great, working with so many different people, seeing all these amazing sights, but it was missing something," he says, and I look at him, wondering what someplace as wonderful as London could be missing. " You. It was missing you." I feel the blush creeping into my face simultaneously with the tears clouding my eyes.
" Jasper, don't," I say, closing my eyes. Sure this is what I have dreamt of hearing every single day that he was gone, but now just isn't the time. I'm not ready to hear this.
" Ana, you have to know," he starts saying but I shake my head, getting up to pace the room.
" No, I don't have to know Jasper. What I have to know right now is that my daughter is going to be okay, and that I am going to be okay, that is what I have to know right now," I say, hands shaking as I turn around and come face to face with him. He reaches out his hands grasping my shoulders.
" Ana, you have to know this one thing. Just hear me out," he says, and I pull my arms away from him, wishing that in this moment I could be as far away from him as I can get.
" Jasper, please, just don't," I plead, wishing that for once he would just get the point that when I want him to drop the subject, he needs to just drop the subject.
" No, damn it Ana. You don't understand. I knew that I made the biggest mistake of my life when I got on the plane, even before I opened your letter, and saw our daughter for the first time. I know that I should have just gotten off the plane," he says, and I shake my head, wishing that there was a way that I could un-hear what he was saying. I all but fell to the floor with gratitude when the doctor knocks on the door.
" Excuse me Ana, I'm here to check on your incision, and then you can go home," Dr. Carver says, I smile at him as I situate myself on the bed. I wince slightly when he removes the bandage, revealing the stapled wound. I glance at Jasper, his eyes filled with a mix of curiosity and despair. " Well, everything looks good. I will be giving you a few prescriptions. One's for Percocet, it's a pain killer, another is an iron supplement because your initial blood tests show you're a bit on the anemic side, so that means a lot of iron rich foods Ana."
" Thank you Dr. Carver, for everything," I say, sitting up slowly with a little help from Jasper. I sigh heavily as the doctor leaves the room knowing that Jasper wasn't going to just let this go, he never does.
" You didn't have to drive me home Jasper, Jade and Edward could have brought me" I say, walking slowly into my apartment. " I know that you wanted to stay with Lily as long as you could."
" It's fine Ana, we didn't get to finish our conversation earlier," Jasper says, setting my bag down with a soft thud.
" We aren't going to finish it Jasper," I say, sitting down on my couch slowly.
" Yes we are," he says, a bit of authority in his voice, and I look at him seriously.
" No we aren't," I say, getting right back up to walk to the door. " Want to know what I love about having my own apartment Jasper, I can tell people to leave when I don't want to be around them. So unless you need a road map, here's the door."
" That isn't going to work Ana, you cant run from this, and you cant run from us," he says, and something inside of me snaps.
" I can't run? I cant run? You ran Jasper, not me. I waited for you, through all of your bullshit, through all of your games. I married you, and you ran Jasper. You ran to London, to your precious internship, and you are going to stand here and tell me not to run?" I yell, not caring who hears me, or what effect that what I'm saying may or may not have on him.
" I made a mistake Ana, I told you that at the hospital. I knew it was the biggest mistake of my life as soon as I got on the plane," he says his voice filled with frustration.
" Then why did you, Jasper? If you knew it was a mistake, why didn't you get off of the damn plane? Were you just being stubborn? Or did you want to make me wait, knowing that every single day that you were gone, I would think of you. That I would wish, and I would dream of you showing up on my doorstep, telling me you loved me, and you were sorry? Because I did. And every night I dreamt of you. Every night I cried myself to sleep. I felt alone, abandoned, and scared. All because you got on that plane. I went into labor and delivered our daughter eleven weeks early, and you weren't here," I say, tears choking me as I let out all of the pent up anger and pain. I can feel myself shaking, vibrating with the waves of emotions that I feel.
" Ana," he says, stepping closer to me. I step away from him, but he is too quick for me. He catches my wrists in his hands, pulling me into a tight hug. " I'm sorry. I don't know what else that I can say to you, I don't know if there is anything that I can say to make this all okay again. All that I can say is that I love you. I thought about you every single day that I was gone," he says, pulling away to cup my face in his hands. He stares into my eyes, and I feel strangely exposed, like he can see to the very core of my soul. " Tell me that you believe me, please. Ana, just tell me what I can do to make this right again." I open my mouth about to tell him that I wasn't sure that there was anything that could make everything okay again, but the phone rings, pulling my attention from the conversation. I pick up the phone, trying to control the shakiness in my voice.
" Hello," I say into the phone, too many emotions coursing though me.
" Ana, this is Dr. Culver. There's been a set back with Lily," Dr. Culver's serious voice fills my head, making it swim.
" What kind of problem?" I ask, bracing myself against the counter afraid of what he might say.
" Just get to the hospital Ana, now," he says, and the phone clicks off before I can say anything or ask further questions. I look over at Jasper, panic feeling my eyes, and without a word having to be said, we both race out of the apartment, our thoughts solely on our daughter.
I pace furiously outside of the NICU, my arms tightly wrapped around myself. Everyone came as soon as we got a hold of them, so I know without even having to look that Jasper, Edward, Jade, Rosalie, Alice, Emmett, and Elijah sit just down the short hall, offering what ever support that they can.
" Ana," Jasper says, reaching a hand out brushing my shoulder, and I jerk away from him, unsure why I feel surging anger towards him.
" Don't touch me," I hiss out, turning away from him, waiting for Dr. Culver to come out, to just tell me what is going on with my daughter already. I know that I am unfairly blaming him, but if it wasnt for the fact that he insisted on taking me home, I would have been here when Lily got worse.
" Ana," he says firmly, grabbing my arm in his hand, turning me around so that I have to look at him. " I know that your scared, and worried, but you have to lean on me now. You just had major surgery, you need to calm down."
" Calm down? Calm down? How in the hell can I do that. My daughter, my little girl is in that room fighting for her life. I don't care if I just had major surgery, I don't care about anything, or anyone but her right now. And if you have any hopes of keeping your hand, you will let go of me, and get the hell out of here, NOW!" I scream, only slightly unnerved by the rage that I feel.
" Come on, Jasper," Emmett says, taking him by the shoulder, leading him out of the hall. Jade, Alice, and Rosalie all surround me in their warm arms, and comforting words, as I shake from head to toe, crying uncontrollably.
Jasper's POV
I sit outside of the hospital, Emmett and Edward sitting with me, silence around us.
" This is unbelievable, how could she just kick me out of the hospital like that?" I ask, feeling completely perplexed about the whole situation. " She's my daughter too." I had read her like an open book at the apartment. I knew that we were on the road to coming back, and then bam, she hates me all over again.
" Do you really blame her?" Edward asks, his voice cool and distant, but his question catches me off guard as I look at him.
" What is that supposed to mean?" I ask, falling easily back onto my own anger.
" You weren't there for her Jasper. Her entire pregnancy you weren't there. Did you honestly think you could just ride in when everything goes wrong, acting like her knight in shining armor, and that everything would go back to normal? She is scared of losing her daughter, she is terrified because as much as she wishes that she could hate you, she cant, and she feels completely alone. You need to just leave her the hell alone right now," Edward says, and I cant help but to agree as much as I hate to. I watch as Edward stands up and walks back into the hospital, resting my head in my hands.
" He's right Jazz. I know you don't want to hear that, but you need to understand Ana. The entire time you were gone, she put on her brave face. She pretended to be happy, but the truth of the matter is she was sad, and it broke all of our hearts," Emmett says, and I roll my eyes in disgust. Did he think I didn't already know all of this?
" I know that Emmett, what's the point?" I ask, frustration coursing through me.
" This is the point, Jasper," he says, and I listen closely as Emmett recounts a specific conversation with Ana, that would change everything entirely.
Emmett's POV
I roll over in bed, groaning loudly. I never have a problem sleeping, and yet tonight, I just cant seem to drop off into dreamland. I press a kiss to Rosalie's forehead, smiling softly before sliding out of bed. I shuffle out into the living room, thinking that maybe some crappy late night television will bring on some sleepiness, until I notice the light on upstairs, shaking my head at Alice's forgetfulness. I head towards the stairs, my ears catching the faint sound of someone crying softly. I take the steps two at a time, thinking that maybe Alice was having another nightmare, but find myself surprised to that the source of the light is coming from Jasper's room. I push open the door slightly, sighing heavily when I see that it's Ana, curled up on her side, clutching one of Jasper's sweaters to her chest, her face buried in the pillows.
" Ana," I whisper, sitting on the side of the bed, placing a hand cautiously on her shoulder. She lifts her head slowly, her eyes swimming with tears, already swollen from her crying.
" I'm sorry. I should have called or something," Ana says, sitting up fully, crossing her legs, laying her hands on her stomach.
" You never have to call to come home," I say, brushing a strand of her hair from her face. " What's going on half-pint?"
" I miss him Emmett. Why hasn't he called? How could he so easily just forget all about me, and our baby?" she asks, fresh tears trailing down her face. " I thought that I could just move on. That after a while, it wouldn't hurt so much, that I would just wake up one day, and he wouldn't be the first thing I think about. I just want Jasper to come home."
" I know, Ana. I don't have the answers for you. All that I can tell you is that he is the dumbest man alive. You are beautiful Ana, and smart. You are going to have a little girl soon, and then you will be the best mother ever," I say, and she just shakes her head.
" If that was true, Emmett, why did he leave? Why didn't he stay? If I'm beautiful, and smart, why was that not enough for him? Why was I not enough?" she asks, her voice straining against her tears as she buries her face into her hands. " I was kidding myself, this whole time. Thinking that Jasper would always love me, that someone like me could keep someone like him."
" Stop, damn it Ana. Don't you see?" I ask, pulling her hands from her face, making her look me in the eyes. " Jasper leaving is on him, it has absolutely nothing to do with you. I don't ever want to hear you say that you're the one to blame, and I don't ever want to hear you put yourself down again, am I clear?" And I watch as she just nods her head in agreement, tears falling furiously down her pale cheeks, all of the light gone from her once gleaming green eyes.
Jasper's POV
" I held her all night that night Jasper, while she cried for you. I hated you that night. For hurting her so much, but the funny thing is, that through all of this, she never hated you. Ana, never hated you, she just kept right on loving you. You have to think Jasper, are you really going to be here for her, for good? Because if you aren't, why did you even bother to come back?" Emmett asks, getting up to walk back into the hospital.
" Hey, Em," I call out to him, and I watch as he turns to look over at me. " Thanks." He smiles slightly, leaving me to think about everything that he just said.
Ana's POV
I continue my pacing, finally somewhat calm after kicking Jasper out of the hospital. One arm slung across my stomach, trying not to wince in pain, while my other hand lays over my heart. It gallops so fast, I feel like its going to all but leap out of my chest. The blood rushes in my head, pounding in my ears, drowning out everything else. Even as I pace, my eyes never leave the small window of the neonatal intensive care unit, and I watch as a group of doctors and nurses surround my daughter, praying with everything in me, that I don't lose her. Not like this, not now.
" Ana," Jade says, laying a hand lightly on my shoulder. " You should really sit down, you aren't looking so good."
" I cant. Why haven't they told me anything?" I ask," They should have told me something by now."
" Ana, just sit-" Jade is cut off by the sound of the door opening, and a sober eyed Dr. Culver clears his throat to get my attention.
" Dr. Culver, please tell me she is going to be okay," I say, my voice shaking from fear.
" She will be fine Ana. She started having trouble breathing, which is not uncommon with babies born eleven weeks early. We had a little bit of trouble re-inserting the respirator, but we got it. We're going to have to keep a close eye on her for a few days, but other than that everything is looking very good," Dr. Culver says, rubbing a comforting hand down my arm. I sigh heavily, even though I cant seem to stop shaking. My head swims as my vision goes slightly blurry, and I rock heavily on my feet, swaying away from the doctor.
" Ana?" he calls out, grabbing me before I fall back all the way.
" I'm fine, I'm okay, just tired," I whisper, shaking my head trying to clear it. I rest my hand on my stomach noticing the wet sensation, and I lift my fingers smeared with red.
" You ripped your staples. Come on, I'll get you to a room to fix it," the doctor says, taking me easily under my elbow, as he leads me away from my friends, and daughter.
" Jade," I call over my shoulder, " Stay with Lily until I'm done."
An hour later, I walk down the hall, an I.V pole in hand. Good old Dr. Culver fought with me to hook me back up to the stupid thing. Something about low iron levels, the point is the man fought dirty. Saying the only way he would easily let me get back to Lily, is if I agreed, so I naturally gave in, and suffered as the obviously new nurse fought viciously to get the I.V in and started. I stop in front of the window of Lily's room, gritting my teeth as I see Jasper, keeping vigil over our sick daughter. I push through the door, walking slowly towards him. He looks over slowly, his eyes red rimmed, filled with surprise by my appearance. Quickly he gets up, offering me the chair.
" Jade told me you tore your staples, what happened?" Jasper asks, helping me sit down slowly.
" Not entirely sure. The doctor put me on some iron, said my level was too low," I whisper, reaching my hand through the opening of Lily's incubator, touching the silkiness of her hand.
" I have to go for a bit, take a shower. I will be back though," he says, taking my hand in his, pressing a light kiss to my hand and I feel the weight of something he leaves behind, before he turns and leaves. I open my hand, staring at the folded up papers sitting on my palm. I take a deep breath, sitting back in my chair, opening it slowly.
'Dear Ana,
I know that I probably should have told you everything that I'm about to tell you in person, but the truth of the matter is that when I look at you, what I try to say never comes out right. Emmett told me, about the night that he found you in my room, crying into the sweater that I had purposely left behind. How you blamed yourself for me leaving, thinking that it was something that you were lacking. I cant tell you enough just how wrong that you are. It was never you Ana. You have been everything, and so much more, than I ever imagined having. Your beauty is astounding, your intelligence amazing, and your heart one of the purest that I have ever known. I could make excuses for why I did what I did, but the fact is that you deserve better than that. I knew from the moment that I saw you, when I yelled at you for parking in my spot, that I could fall in love with you. You looked so innocent, with your shining green eyes, staring at me apologetically. And when our fingers brushed that first time, I felt something surge through me that I thought was long gone. I put you through more hell than you ever deserved, and there is no amount of apologizing that I can do to make things right again. All I can say is that I love you Ana, and I know that right now you probably wont believe me. But I do. You and Lily are my world, and I have thought about nothing but you and her for months now. I should have gotten off that plane, no, that isn't right, I shouldn't have even boarded it in the first place. I can feel you, Ana, in everything I do. Your face constantly in my mind, your voice ringing in my ears. You have my heart Ana, and I'm asking you, please, let me have yours again, and I wont screw this up, ever again, I swear that to you. Give me the chance to be the husband and father that you and our daughter deserve.
Love Always,
Jasper.'
I blink furiously at the tears that cloud my eyes, my heart aching. As much as I thought that I could live without Jasper, the fact is that I cant. I lean forward staring down at the miracle that Jasper and I created, and I can swear that she smiles at me. I get to my feet, knowing what I have to do.
I sit behind the wheel of my car, staring up into Jasper's window, trying to summon the courage to go in. I push out of the car, walking slowly to the front door, turning the door knob slowly. The warmth of the house catches me by surprise, and five sets of eyes land on me.
" He's upstairs," Jade says, nodding towards the stairs.
" Thanks," I say, walking silently to the steps. I take them slowly, searching my heart for what to say. I stand in front of his bedroom door, remembering the last time that I was here, my heart aching slowly from the memory. I knock quietly, not waiting for an invitation in. I open it, and slip in closing the door silently behind me. Jasper isn't in here, so I know that he is in the shower. I stand in front of his window, my arms crossed over my chest. The sound of the door opening slowly, lets me know that I'm no longer alone.
" I wanted to hate you Jasper, I think for some reason, I thought it would be easier. I couldn't though, because somehow you got a hold on my heart, and you haven't let it go," I say, tears sliding down my cheeks already, and I sigh with disgust.
" Ana," he says, and I just turn to look at him, knowing that the look on my face tells him its his turn to shut up and listen.
" I never wanted to get married Jasper, because I saw what a failure my parents marriage was. Then I met you. I fell in love with you. I gave you everything that I had to give. For a moment I honestly thought that you were going to throw that all away, and I wanted to hate you for it. I needed too. And then you wrote this," I say, lifting his letter up to show it. " In this one letter you wrote with more honesty than you have ever given me, I could feel your soul in these words, and you made me fall in love with you all over again."
" Ana," he says, stepping towards me, taking my face into his hands. I smile through the tears, lifting my face to his, finally feeling like I'm right where I belong.
