I wrote this today instead of after I have finished my forgotten about Like Giants fic (A Doctor Who minor/original character ficathon. I'm writing a minor character Nasreen/Tony story :)) I've found it fun to write but extremely long to do so. I'm lucky if I manage 100 words a day but it is almost 1000 words now, yay. After that is written I am going to write Amanda's death story. THAT is going to be harder than I think it will be, not as hard as Sarek's Bendii Syndrome will be, though...I will have to rewatch 'Sarek' which is going to be hard, damnit...*hugs Sarek*
This letter is...odd. I started writing and it just decided to happen like this O_o, when Sarek's completely away from his comfort zone on diplomatic business and misses absolutely everything and his mind is making up ways for him to cope with the external and internal issues he's going through.
In other words, Sarek now thinks he's a bad husband.
I'll just...go over here and hide now... *meep*
Amanda,
I want a child.
I have been having this thought regularly this past week.
I am currently on Andoria and I am freezing cold. I wish for Vulcan. I wish for the colony and its heat. I wish for a body next to mine as I sleep to warm me. I long for the bond we had. I want to lose myself in you, sexually. I wish for a child.
I have been unable to contact Spock since my last letter as I have been doing diplomatic work, but plan on doing so when I am home. I do not want to replace him in this longing of mine. I want someone to be there in the house and a child fits in my mind, someone to comfort and hold and care for. Someone who depends on me fully and needs me close. To me right now, it seems ideal. The noise of a child would be a comfort to me, rather than the silent night.
I am too used to your little sleeping noises next to me. The way you would sometimes wake me by being overly amorous, with your hands touching me everywhere I like it. The moans you would make when I did the same to you.
You may be able to realise from the tone of this note that I also find that with the longing for a child comes sexual arousal. It has happened before, but not like this. It refuses to go away. Before it was triggered by dreams of you. Now it is triggered by cold, by heat, by thought, by dreams...by anything.
It is almost a biological need to mate, but it is not Pon Farr. Is this what humans go through all their adult life? It would explain why you introduced me to sex outside my Time. Now I have come too used to it.
I ache.
I want to be warmed.
Amanda. My Amanda. Beloved wife. Mother of my child.
I wish to make that last children. It will likely happen soon enough, after I am bonded once again and mate with who I am given, but it will not be your child.
I am betraying your memory by thinking right now that I don't care. I just want to not be alone at night.
I apologise.
Would you believe I love you at this point? Or would you see this as a betrayal just as much as I do? Was I a bad husband to you in life, as I am in your death?
The words I love you seem useless and untrue today. They are true, never doubt that, but...these thoughts and emotions are no longer solely about you. I do not love another, but I do want to be with another. Any other at this point.
I am confused and irritable.
I want to go back to my home now and out of this cold. It will help, I know it.
I have to go now. Shras is banging on the door, but I don't want to get out of the bed I am in, which is the warmest place available to me.
I wish you were here.
Sarek.
