Things are starting to get emotional. *wipes away tear*

If you haven't sent in your applications yet for the Quarter Quell, well...WHAT ARE YOU DOING MY GOD GET OVER THERE NOW

Seriously, they close May 14th at 11:59pm! Ticktockticktock.


ht tp:/ /foru m. fanfiction.n e t/ forum/ Bring_Them_To_Their_Knees/109174/

Remove the spaces and find yourself in a magic forum of...magic...

Okay, just apply if you know what's good for you. c;


Aspen Chekhov, District 7

By Phoenix Refrain


"Why is it that words like these seem dull and cold? Is it because there is no word tender enough to be your name?"

― James Joyce, The Dead


In life there are paths. Each route we choose, each decision whether made flippantly or with time and dedication takes us closer to some inevitable fate. Maybe we live an entire lifetime, only to be defined in one single moment. Maybe nothing else matters if you do the right thing in that moment…Maybe that moments saves you, or maybe it dooms you. Or maybe it does both.

There is no question, though, that my entire lifetime, all eighteen years, have come down to this. One moment that decides everything, one solitary moment that makes anything else you've ever done pointless. One moment to determine your entire life…Just a moment. And with every breath I take, I can feel it drawing nearer.

I've always believed in fate, so I can't help but think it's why I'm here. I made the choice, but maybe it was always supposed to be me. Maybe that was the defining moment in my life, and I just didn't know it yet. Maybe I'll never know it.

I know that even if I make it out of here, I'll never be the same. I've watched how revenge can destroy. I watch it eat Lilly up. I know it was infection that killed her, but a part of me knows that it was also the rage…the revenge. It left her empty and hollow, and then it took her. I had done everything I knew to save her—I dragged her from flames, I walked all night, and still it wasn't enough.

For the first time I realize that maybe friendship isn't enough, that even love might not be enough in this place. All you can do is what you can live with. No outside forces can save you. There is no transforming light in this dark place. There is nothing outside of this arena. It's like all the rest of the world has perished, and I am absolutely alone except for those that walk beside me.

Was it only last night that I laid there with Nella in my arms? Was it only last night that I held on to her knowing that this would probably be the only time I ever held her like that?

I can still feel the heat of her body in chill of the night. I can feel the loud pacing of her heart as my hand brushes along her neck. I see the dewy lashes that show she's crying. I feel all the pain threatening to crush me again as she lays in my arms where words have forsaken us. What do we dare say?

'I miss you' comes to mind. 'I wish we weren't here' is another option. 'I hate the world that does this to us' is a better choice. But instead, the words that come to my lips placed against her ears: "I think I could have loved you."

Maple eyes float to mine as she turns to face me. Her lips aren't far from mine, I can feel the heat of her mouth and the movement of her lips; they're so close. A crystalline tear falls down as the whisper catches my ear and my heart: "I think you should love me now." Her lips touch mine gently, and her eyes close. "Some people get a lifetime to love, maybe this night is our lifetime—maybe this is all the time we have. Maybe we should just…stop thinking."

My lips find her again, and I hold her close as I feel that heat spread through my body. I can't help but feel the sands of time running short for one of us—for both of us, maybe. I don't regret coming here. I can't regret any pain these games are causing when I'm lying with her in my arms, even if it is bittersweet.

Maybe we're only allowed to be happy for a little while.

We'll never have a family. We'll never grow old together. And even if one of us somehow wins, neither of us will leave this arena—it will go with us wherever we are as a constant reminder of the love we lost and left behind.

We share kisses and heat. We share our misery and our love. I hold on to her, each feverish minute slipping by like a dream that's going to end too soon. But at some point we pass into sleep that has nightmares mirroring reality so closely, it's like being awake. And in all of my nightmares, I'm losing Nella.

We trudge along with Aleah, the first person we found in the morning. When the fire started and Roy's flames once again licked around me, I reacted. I grabbed Nella's hand and ran as the forest enveloped in flames and seared our skin as we outran it.

Aleah was a little worse for wear, but not by much when we found her. We sensed her a moment before she showed up, or—I hesitate to think what would have happened if we hadn't realized she was there. I called for her to show herself and she walked in…but it's been uneasy.

We both know this isn't going to last long. There's not that many of us left and we have no loyalties to her—no loyalties at all when she held Nella hostage. But there are two of us against her, but she's skilled and vicious. I've seen her kill—something I've avoided so far. This is just…borrowed time.

We move through the trees, my hand bumping along with Nella's until our fingers finally intertwine. The shadows are long and day is quiet. We haven't seen Moss or Aella or anyone else for that matter. I can't help but imagine that Nella and I are alone and these are our woods—that somehow, in a different life, we found each other after the Reaping. I can see our children with us. I can see us happy, even if we are poor, walking through the woods of our home.

But none of that is real, except in her journal.

But this, what is happening now, is real.

I push Nella forward and turn with my axe, raised just barely, blocking the blow of Aleah's knife. I kick her hard in the stomach to thrust her backwards. "Run, Nella! I'll catch up!"

She struggles to her feet, still weaponless from last night. "No, I won't leave you."

I say the one thing that will make her leave, because she doesn't want me to get hurt. "Go! I can't focus with you here. I can't do this when I'm worrying about you. I'll find you, I promise." She gives me one last look before she takes off running, and I feel my heart sinking because I want to be running with her, but Aleah is getting up.

"Didn't want me to use your little girlfriend against you?" The knife is in her hands, her knuckles white with gripping it. "Doesn't matter, I'll find her when I'm done with you."

I lunge towards her swinging up. The axe splits open her arm and the blood falls down in crimson drops to splatter the ground like rain or tears. She hisses at me and attacks with fury. Her lips curl back as she attacks. I'm barely able to dodge her swing. I can feel the wound on my shoulder opening up again and bleeding out. My shirt is once again stained with fresh blood.

We clash together again, her curved blades cutting into the axe handle—barely missing my fingers. Each assault a knick on blade, wood, or skin. She's so fierce, so fiery and angry, that it drives her without reserve. But I fight her, I fight for every inch and every moment of air because I'm not ready to give up on going home.

Aleah swings at my legs and I jump above the blade and kick her in the stomach. There's a loud oomph as she expels her air and falls to the ground. I land flatly on my back, and lunge for her, bringing my axe down at her breathless body. But she's too quick; she rolls to the side and swings opening a gash on my leg as she struggles to her feet.

We're circling again, like wild beasts ready to kill and feast. How far have I come to be like this? How far have I fallen? How many has she slayed in her lust to get here? How many will I have to kill if I survive this encounter to go home? I'm battling a beast that is not only willing to kill, but hungry for blood—maybe even without mercy. Yet, I know somewhere inside of me that I can kill her, I can go home.

We clash again, and I push her back. We circle and slice and cut. Her blade slays open the flesh on my chest while my axe draws a crimson line across her flat stomach. The blood seeps from our wounds, our clothes stained as we circle again.

"Come on, what's the matter…getting tired?" Aleah spits at me.

There goes that mouth of hers again. "Just waiting on you, Aleah. Ladies first."

She launches at me violently, a biting sting opening up a slash on my check as I stumble a step backwards. When she comes at me again, I do something unexpected. My hand drops down, my fingers close the small knife in my waist band. I stop her arm from descending down on me as I punch the blade into her collarbone, barely missing my target of her neck. She screams in fury and I pushed her back, her hand going up to her shoulder, and trying to staunch the fresh flow of blood.

"What would your brother say about how you fight, Araucaria?"

It hits me like a punch in the stomach, temporarily winding me. I could kill her, and with her dying breath she could destroy my reason for living. She could make it so that even if I won, I'd still lose—my secret, the one she knows, gave her that power over me.

She doesn't move as she glares up at me, her cat-like eyes processing what I'm doing or maybe why I'm doing it. I know she probably thinks that I would attack her after she baited me, but I don't. It's always been going to end like this, wasn't it? It was always futile. Their love was not enough to bring me home, love wasn't enough—at least not their love.

If I killed her, how could I be sure that she wouldn't tell in her dying breathe? Then it would not just mean my life, but theirs…it would mean Nella's too because she knows. What are my options?

The wound in my shoulder keeps opening, keeps bleeding again and again…What if this is the start of a slow painful death like Lilly's? What if I had to cry out in the night, begging for someone to kill me? What if those shouts brought the rest of the pack down on Nella? I'd still die.

Maybe, after all, it was better this way.

I throw down my axe in front of her, and she scrambles to her feet. "What are you doing? Trying to trick me?" she spits out, and I think I can almost hear a hiss from her lips. "Think I won't kill you unarmed? I'll do it anyways." She steps forward cautiously, sensing a trap.

"Do it," my voice is stronger than I thought it could be as I drop down to my knees. I love them. I love them that much. I've accepted that my life would end here, accepted that I might die—but never like this. I thought I would go out with a blaze of glory or pain, not calmly like this. It's a different kind of bravery for this, and it's only because of how much I love them that I can remain so calm. "Do it, Aleah." I pause delicately. "I ask one thing of you."

"You have no right to ask me anything." I can still see the confusion in her eyes, the wary way she approaches me.

I continue on, ignoring her. "It stays between us, Aleah. When I die…it's all just…over." I can see the dawning comprehension in her eyes, I can see that she understands that I mean for her to never tell that I pretended to be my brother. I feel the tears stinging in my own eyes, I hope he'll forgive me for this. I hope, in time, he'll understand that I'm saving him by not fighting anymore; it's the hardest thing I'll have ever done. It is the defining moment in my life.

It weighs on me so suddenly, everything is so clear here at the end. It's not their love that was ever meant to save me, my love is the thing that will save them. This is the right choice—they will be safe and sound. They will live on. They may never forgive me, but they will understand. They'll never know the story fully, but as my eyes look up, I will that a camera is looking into my face. I pray that my family, most of all my Araucaria, is watching. I want them to know how desperately I love them—enough to die for them. It doesn't matter that they won't know I'm saving them, that's not the point. The point is, they are alive.

Aleah looks at me strangely, but she's not afraid or wary anymore as she approaches. Her hand is soft as she lifts my chin up and looks down into my eyes, "I've never loved anyone that much." There's almost a look of regret in her eyes.

"Don't make my family suffer, please." I beg. I can endure the pain, but I don't want them to watch me die for hours, I don't want to have to hold my tongue and pretend I'm not in pain to make their living easier.

She walks around me, and I feel her hand tilt my chin back as she presses the blade to my throat. She doesn't draw it across, she doesn't move, and I almost imagine that her hands are shaking. Her voice is so soft, almost kind, "I won't hurt Nella."

Even if it's a lie, it's a kind one. But it feels truthful. "Thank you." I breathe it out as the blade is drawn across my throat. It cuts deep, and I feel lightheaded as the sting of pain starts to fade away. I can feel my skin growing paler, my body weaker as my heart pumps blood out of my body instead of in it. Heavily, I fall to the ground, my face falling to the side and my eyes alighting on the green ribbon knotted around my wrist. Nella gave that to me the night before the Games, and if I cannot see her face, it helps at least to see the only thing she's given me besides her heart.

I do love her. I do, there's no could have been about it.

It doesn't hurt that badly. I'm afraid though, but much less afraid knowing they're going to be okay. The rest I can deal with. I hear the soft crunches of Aleah's footsteps as she walks off in the opposite direction than what Nella took off in. She told the truth, it registers dimly.

My body is shaking more violently as I look toward the future—to a life where I have a nephew or neice, a life where Ashe and Acacia are truly happy. A life where Nella finds someone else to love and make her whole, the pain of my loss faded away. I don't want her to forget me, but I almost wish she could—then it wouldn't hurt so bad.

I want to speak, I want to tell my family that I'm okay. I want to let them know it doesn't hurt so bad, but words fail me. I am voiceless as the bloodloss makes my eyes heavy. It's then that I remember my first reaping.

Acacia and Ashe were so scared for us, so terrified that we'd get picked.

I remember walking to the reaping…

Ashe's hand was folded in my clutching on to me as if I was life itself. "How will I know you're fine? That you're not scared?"

I had considered for a moment. "I'll put my fist to my heart and tap it. Letting you know, I'm safe that I'm fine…that I'm still your brother."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

I try with the last dregs of strength in my body. I drag my hand from my side, up my stomach to my chest. It feels so heavy, and my eyes keep flickering shut and it's almost too much to fight the darkness. But I promised her. I promised her…

With all of the strength left in my body, I make a fist and tap it to my heart three times.

I am safe. I'm fine. I'm still your brother.