Ok, here it is, new chapter, bit longer than the rest, but I couldn't divide it.
Spoiler alert: Captain Jack Harkness
Thnx to my new beta here it is improved. I do hope you'll enjoy this little twist in perspective.
Beta-ed: TattooedLibrarian
Captain Jack Harkness was on the watch. He was always on the watch, looking around for sign of trouble. This time he looked after his men. They had an evening out, but he didn't have that. It was his duty to keep them in line. The training is coming to the end and he was worried that he didn't do enough for them. He was their captain and they admired him like he was invincible. He knew better, but times of war required heroes, and he seemed to fit into that description. No one was more surprised than him. He was a withdrawn man; he always kept most of his thoughts and emotions to himself. The war didn't last that long, but it seemed like eternity. His job and personality from before war time was forgotten, it seemed like distant memory, like that was someone else entirely. He got used to responsibility and tasks, even the danger, but adoration was something else. Enthusiasm of his men made him uneasy; he wasn't used to that kind of emotions directed towards him. He felt shame under their big eyes that haven't seen the war and death, but he withstands it because he was their captain, and they needed from him that kind of greatness. Women looked at him with other kind of adoration; they thought that his silence was a sign of strength and character, not the disturbing lack of emotions for them. He dedicated his time and energy to his men, to keep them safe, and help them to get out of this alive.
Captain Jack didn't expect much of this evening; he just waited for the night to be over. Tomorrow they had work to do. He had already tossed and turned tomorrow's exercise in his head. It was one of their last trainings and he wanted to teach his men as much as possible. Then George, that rush boy, got into a fight over a girl and he had to step in before he got beaten up by bigger man. He just didn't know to pick his fights, but he was damn good pilot.
"Apologize to the gentleman George" he said turning and found himself facing a handsome stranger.
He also asked him to apologize to the Asian lady because he was trying to teach the young boy something. 133 Squadron apparently meant something to Captain James Harper, but he held his hand for so long that he didn't really care what; he just had no desire to ruin the mood for some inquiries about war time. They all got their portion of the grief. He wanted to be around Captain James some more just to feel his presence and hear that laughter that he released when they spoke simultaneously. They didn't break contact until that Bilis character came between them. He shook his hand again when he found out his name, and again contact wasn't stopped until he stepped towards bar. That was mistake because he slipped away with his Asian companion. Of course they were in the middle of something; he just got hit because of her.
But he did come back and stood beside him, it was so natural that he didn't even noticed him there. That was strange because most men made him uncomfortable. George took charge over conversation, but that was alright, he could control himself and observe the man closely without needing to hide. Captain James seemed serious and his few words discovered that he had seen death. Confidence like George possessed came from lack experience; he didn't know what the reality of war looks like. There is no glory in death. He felt more than uncomfortable when he spoke about his spotless record in front of him. It was one thing to be a caricature of a hero in front of his men, he needed their trust to teach them, it was something else to pretend like that in front of another Captain who fought and lost like he did. In an instant he remembered of the screams and the horror of the war so he got up to get a drink. Captain James drank only water, which was strange, how did he go through it all sober.
As he gets to the bar, the girl to whom he's been nice to approached him. Nancy was pleasant last few days but then it became clear she has started to expect something of him. His kindness was mistaken for chivalry. He concentrated on James determined to get as much as he can from this encounter. But he asked the wrong question and he once again faced the wall of reservations. Nancy, in her edgy mood, took it like a queue to go. He wasn't sorry about that, but then James pleaded him with such passion to kiss her. His emotions filled him with desire. He couldn't argue with that so he drank up his drink and placed soft kiss on her coloured lips. After he helped her in her coat she said the one thing he was trying to avoid. She began to think she loves him. That just made him mad. All that effort gone to waste, she will expect something of him now, at least letters filled with lies.
He was just wasting his time on the Captain, he didn't understand anything. He wasn't going to waste any more time on him ,however, Captain Harper followed him downstairs trying to defend himself. Somehow they ended up talking about risks of war, and the duties of a Captain, before he knew it he was sharing his most dreadful moment in life, the thing that made him wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. The other Captain didn't even blink; he gave him in return an even more horrifying story about torture and death. How that man could hold so much in and then show all that emotions with such ease, like it was normal to carry your feelings on your sleeve. All men around him hid their emotions, and so did he, it was the norm for male behaviour; to see raw emotion like pain, hurt, anger and compassion on someone's face was just overwhelming; then came the moment of open staring into those blue eyes and he had to flee before he did something unforgivable. It seemed for the second that the other man would make some move to fight there and then, in the middle of the staircase, like it was something normal, something accepted. He kept his distance, but he couldn't stop staring in the other man, especially since that Asian girl came into sight again. He couldn't determine nature of their relation. They spoke in confidence, and he touched her like it was normal, common, like they know each other very well, but then in the basement he didn't follow her, he stood alone, like solitude was common thing in such crowd.
He couldn't resist and sustain such distance, he was drawn near even thou he wasn't invited. He approached him.
"Of course I'm scared" Jack said to James and he looked back investigating his face. Nothing more was spoken, but it was like everything was known. They stood across each other in silence; he didn't dare to look to long in his face. He declined George's offer for a drink and they sat divided by table looking at the dance floor. Silence continued. Finally he broke the silence asking the thing that bothered him. The feeling was there, it felt like desire, and it seemed like other man feels it too, but why did he make him kiss Nancy goodbye. He hoped that his answer will give him a sign, confirmation. But his answer took away any hope; he felt such sadness and solitude. That was his shield, it seemed like it followed him everywhere he went. The glitch glitch of passion was drowned in separation when James told him to go to Nancy. He asked if Toshiko his woman, is he this way because of her? Her name sounded strange in his mouth, but the answer was no and that answer opened up an abyss of abandonment and despair on other man's face. How can someone so beautiful be so alone? He couldn't understand, but he couldn't stand his open stare and bare emotion in it so he got up; not to go to her, just to make distance, to clear his head of all the disappointment
Outside on the street he inhaled cold air and lit a cigarette, but the burning in his chest didn't go away. He will never see this man again. Not that he thinks he will die tomorrow, but the world and war are so vast and unkind, it wasn't likely that he would be thrown in his way again. He couldn't be so wrong about him; even if he turned him down he wasn't one to be appalled; he'll understand. With that thought he searches the hall for him and he found him alone on the sofa. He felt confident all of a sudden, it was a good decision to go back. He sat beside him and just goes for it. Joy overwhelmed him when he accepted his approach like it was something natural, he hoped he would. He got so entangled in that emotion that he grabbed his hand right there in plain sight. They stood up when the couple interrupted them. The way that woman said 'lover's corner' embarrassed him. He got scared, he wasn't himself around Captain Harper, and it was like he was willing to kiss him right there where anyone could stumble upon them. He was never that careless. He'd have to restrain himself, he's done it before and it was for the best to keep his distance from other Captain and his emotions. After all, he was there for his men; they needed him to keep his cool, not to be dragged into emotions that could destroy everything he had achieved so far.
He was determined and he engaged in conversations, roaming the room observing his men, receiving pats on his back and smiling while others laughed. He couldn't help himself but to throw looks in James way. It was obvious now that Toshiko wasn't his woman, she was just someone close enough to touch, but not to desire. It was clear to him that the sadness was taking over the Captain and he could feel it across the hall. Worse than the sense of compassion was a passion that didn't decrease in strength over him. In fact it had just gotten worse when a sad song began and every conversation stopped for awhile. Aching in his chest grew stronger, and he felt his breath shorten as the feeling washed over him taking control of his entire body. He couldn't breathe anymore, he felt like drowning. He felt like he would die just standing there leaning against the wall. Lack of human touch that had never bothered him became unbearable. What if he would die tomorrow, or if that beautiful, sad and lonely man died tonight? What would he regret if that happened? He would regret his own actions of being a coward when facing that kind of beauty. They called him a hero for no reason at all.
He lifted his gaze and looked at the other Captain. His sadness overpowered him and he bowed his head, eyes filled with tears. Just a half an hour ago those same eyes sparkled looking at him but he washed that away. Then Toshiko took his hands in futile attempt to comfort his sadness. That emptied his head of thoughts and his heart of fears. What did his existence mean if he couldn't bring comfort to such man? He crossed the floor, light on his feet and grabbed that hand without hesitation. He pulled James up and looking only at him lead him to the dance floor. He felt like crying, he felt exposed, but he didn't have eyes for anyone around them. James held him tight like he could protect him from the storm that was coming. James's face was pressed against his cheek and it was enough of the touch he was hungry for. James pulled him even closer like they could press into one. His lungs opened up and he could breathe once again. He looked at the ceiling trying to imprint this feeling in his memory. Then James pulled away and looked him like he was going to kiss him in the middle of everything, and he knew he would lean into it no matter what, but then that strange light broke through and it was like they were alone. That woman shouted for James or it was for him, she said Jack; maybe he was called that too.
"I have to go" said James, "it's my duty." Jack nodded but he couldn't speak. James turned away leaving him there alone, but then he stepped back and kissed him. Jack melted into that kiss; he trembled under James's hand. When James broke their kiss he could barely stand. He composed himself as best as he could and saluted him as he disappeared into thin air.
When they were gone there was a silence and for a brief moment he was alone in the world, the hall was empty. He thought he was lost for his time, but it was fine, his sadness was there unmasked. Then the music came back, then the voices, finally he was surrounded by the familiar crowd. He closed his eyes for a moment collecting his memory before an angry crowd falls upon him but nothing happened. He opened his eyes and looked around. It was like nothing had happened at all. Only George was looking at him like he's trying to remember something. He gave him his crooked smile and George smiled back little uncertain. Jack removed himself from the dance floor that was filled with couples that were smiling and talking.
Jack went outside to finally finish that smoke in the cold night breeze. He didn't ask anybody of his Captain, did they remember him? He didn't want to find out that he was just a phantasmal of his mind. His touch, smell was still on his skin, he could still feel his breath and grip, his body length pressed against his body. It was all so real, he couldn't doubt that. Now that he's vanished into thin air it all made more sense, not less; his talk, expressions, understanding, mostly his emotions that was so unfit for this era of fear and uncertainty. He was from different place than this one. Maybe it was this place and this war that made him so sad.
Jack went to his men. Tomorrow is their last day of exercise and he has to give them all he has before they go off to war. That was his duty.
The sky was clear and they strode through the air like it was their playground. There was laughter and talk on the radio like they are going off to adventure with no real danger. Maybe James was right, maybe he was shielding them too much.
Then came the Messerschmitt, the sky was full of them, and the team went into a panic. Jack went into his fighting mode and with few short and stern commands, brought them to order. He didn't count the enemy, he just charged at them determined to keep his men safe. They did the best they could, but without real battle experience they hesitated and he had to double his efforts. The last plane went after George and Tim, they couldn't shake him down. He went up and around to face enemy plane. He isn't going to let them butcher the boys, not today. He waited until his nerves started to scream, and then fired. When his shots hit the plane he whooped of joy and relief, but just a moment after, his rival, in his last moment shot him back. He felt the pain and burning of the flesh when the bullets went through him. He was still conscious when his plane went down but he held his mouth tightly closed. He isn't going to leave his men with his screams in their minds to wake them up in the middle of the night.
There wasn't anything else he could do. He couldn't eject, his arms were useless. All he could do was close his eyes. As he did so he recalled the kiss he imprinted in his mind. He smiled in spite of the pain and oncoming death. It was like James knew what was ahead today. He didn't mind death, not today, because today he had no regret. He went down like hero, true hero, because he dared to kiss him goodbye. And it was ok really, because he felt safe in James's arms, like he will remember him, like he will still exist in his mind, the real him.
