Chapter 55: Amen
You're mother's child but night lays you down
Hair aflame, wild look in your eyes
Naked belly to the ground
A forest fire nibbles at your veins
Crawls up your arm
Runs away with your mind
And burns dry thoughts like leaves...
Where are my angels?
Where's my golden one?
Where's my hope
Now that my heros have gone?
Ellie
I tapped my foot against the leg of my chair impatiently as I stared at the clock. Come on... Come on... Come on... I willed it to move faster. I don't know why I was "looking forward" to going home so much. It's not like I was excited to see my mom plastered and possibly unconscious. Nah. I was more excited to take something shiny and sharp against my arm. Just the thought of it alone made me dig my nails into my arm, wondering how long it would take to make it bleed that way. Too long.
Finally the bell rang, and I jumped out of my seat- a little too excited. A few of the students snickered at me, but I didn't even waste my time or energy to blush and act embarrassed. Who gives a shit anyway? Just as I was about to make my escape through the door...
"Ms. Nash?"
God dammit... I turned back around and walked up to Ms. Kwan's desk. My fingers were practically squeezing my arm off as I tried to control the urge to just run away.
"You seemed a little preoccupied in class. Is something going on?"
I was thinking that you should really just mind your own damn business...
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure."
"Okay. Go on as you were."
"Thank you..." My voice dripped with sarcasm, and she blinked a little at my tone.
I rolled my eyes as I walked out of her classroom, annoyed that she had really just asked me that question. Does it look like something is going on? Just life, as usual.
"Ellie, you wanna come to The Dot?" Marco wrapped an arm through mine and quickly kissed me on the cheek.
I looked over at the group of friends around him- Paige, Hazel, Spinner... Nobody I really cared to see at the moment. Or ever.
"I have to go home."
"Your mom?"
"Yeah, I called her during lunch, and she sounded like crap."
"Maybe I could bring over some chicken soup later on? We can do homework and maybe clean the house a little for-..."
"Marco, you're sweet. But my parents really don't want visitors right now."
I gave him a small smile and squeezed his hand before heading off down the hallway.
"At least we don't have to listen to her depressing talk," Paige whispered loudly.
Hazel and Spinner cackled at the comment, and I rolled my eyes. If she thought her words could seriously hurt me...
"Shut up, Paige," Marco replied.
Ha! The sound of Marco actually telling Paige to shut her trap for once was refreshing. Very refreshing.
I practically ran the entire way home. My hands shook as I searched for my keys through my black bag, anticipating the scene I was about to find. Would she be passed out? Would she be awake? Would she be fine? The last option gave my heart false hope. But maybe, just maybe, she had convinced herself not to go to the liquor store. Maybe she had convinced herself to just turn around in the car and drive the opposite way.
I didn't have to think about that possibility anymore. I set my backpack down quietly and started to clean the empty bottles off of the coffee. Vodka and Rum had been my mother's choice today. I threw away the Rum bottle and walked over to the sink with the Vodka bottle to pour the rest out.
On second thought...
Might as well. I tipped my head back and swallowed the rest of the Vodka in a single gulp. I threw the bottle into the sink and blanched at the strong taste left in my mouth. How my mom manages to drink a bottle of this in one sitting will never cease to amaze me.
"Mom?" I called out from the entryway to the living room.
She moaned, but didn't open her eyes.
"Mom? You okay?"
She moaned and waved me away with her hand.
Whatever.
I trudged up the stairs, suddenly feeling extremely tired. I closed and locked the door behind me. As I collapsed onto my bed, I realized just how truly alone I was in my life. I know, I know. Poor me. What do I have to complain about? I mean, seriously, even I'm sick of hearing myself complain all the time. At least I have a roof over my head and the opportunity to an education and...
Ah, screw it. I'm so sick of this "let's pretend I'm really okay" shit. I don't want to think positively. I just want to sit here and wallow in my trivial misery. And while I'm doing that I can partake in my favorite after-school activity. I crawled to the edge of the bed and let my head fall to the floor. Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? I started to freak out. Where the hell was my box at? Why couldn't I find it? I snapped up to a sitting position and growled angrily. What. The. Hell. I jumped off of my bed and tore through my room. I searched through my dresser, clothes being strewn everywhere.
That's where that shirt is...
I shoved the last drawer closed, causing the dresser to rattle. I threw open my closet door and searched through it thoroughly. Nothing. Not a damn thing.
Maybe my mom had found it. Maybe she had gone through my room while I was gone because she was worried about me. She found it. And then she got rid of it. I almost stopped searching.
Almost. There was only one more place to look. I grabbed my desk chair and drug it over to the bookcase and stood on it. Balancing on my tiptoes, I stretched my arm and felt around for the box. Ah. There it is. I smiled as I pulled the box from my "hiding spot"- not that it had done any good. I don't know why I didn't just get rid of all my supplies. I guess there's always something sharp and pointy at my disposal no matter what. I guess I was saving them for a day like this.
I took a seat on the floor and pressed my back against my bed. I pulled the sleeve of my shirt up and stared at the canvas in front of me. There were still faint lines from past scars. I should just stop right now. I should see how well I'm healing and leave it at that. But I can't. Stopping isn't going to give me the same outlet that cutting will. I sighed, partly from exhaustion and partly from the hopelessness of the situation. No matter what I do, I'm in pain.
Physical pain is so much better than emotional pain, though. It's fleeting. It eases up. It leaves. Emotional pain, though, stays with you. It drags you down, chokes you, buries you alive... And I have more goddamn emotional baggage than I know what to do with.
I held the point of my compass above my arm and studied my skin. Where should I cut? What spot should I taint next...
My cell phone rang, and I grabbed it without even thinking.
"Hello?"
"Ellie, are you sure you can't hang out tonight?" It was Marco.
I closed my eyes briefly and fought the urge to just hang up on him. I love him. I do. The kid is my best friend, and I'd do anything for him. But sometimes he just takes so much and never gives back. Believe me, there's only so much I can give. I already gave him everything- my heart included- what else does he want?
"Are you there? Ellie? Hello?"
"I'm here." I flinched at how small my voice sounded. I pressed the compass point against my arm and started to drag it slowly.
"So, we're all at The Dot, and we'd love for you to come. Tell your mom to take a nap or something. You have to get out."
"You act as if I'm a recluse..." I rolled my eyes even though he couldn't see me.
"Stop rolling your eyes," he ordered. I gave a small smile. "I know I haven't seen you in a long time."
"You saw me in school." I let out a breath of relief as I finished the short deep line.
"For, like, two seconds. And then I didn't see you since New Year's before that. You've been taking care of your mom for a week now."
"And your point is?"
"Leave her. She's an adult. She can manage."
I felt the bile start to rise. Yeah, she's an adult. She can manage. Until her husband leaves her, and she hits the bottle. Then she becomes some child that I have to take care of. Marco has no idea what it's like. And here he is trying to get me to leave her.
"Stop trying to get me to be selfish. My mom is sick. She needs me. I have to go."
"Ellie! It's not selfish to hang out with friends for dinner... You have to eat something..."
I could tell by his tone of voice that he was going to start in one of his "healthy eating" lectures. As if I need to hear that. "Marco, just leave me alone. I'm not coming to The Dot. I'm fine."
I furiously sliced at my arm again; this time I created a long and shallow line.
"Can I at least bring you something to eat later on? I'll order you a grilled cheese. And fries. I'll even bring you some..."
I ended the call and tossed the phone to my side. Sometimes his voice just gives me a headache. Especially when he's pulling the "worried" act on me. Still, if I know Marco, he's going to show up here later on, food in hand. I groaned as I stood up slowly and gathered my supplies back into the box before kicking it under the bed. I paused and got down on my hands and knees. I had to make sure that it was really under my bed. For next time. Because, you know, there will be a next time.
Sean
I tipped back the bottle and felt the beer slide down my throat. Already my head was swimming, and it was only eight in the evening. Jay laughed as I let out a long, deep burp and followed my lead. He raised his eyebrows as a skanky-looking redhead passed by on her way to "the van".
"She's cute. You could do her. She's probably waiting for you in there."
"Dude, I have a girlfriend."
"Yeah, well, she isn't here, is she?"
I glared at him and took another drink. "Whatever," I muttered.
"Or are you only interested in one red-head these days?"
"Shut up," I muttered again. It's the same thing with him. Either he's bashing Nikki or accusing me of having feelings for Ellie still.
"Don't get your panties in a twist. I was kidding. I know you're so totally over her."
I could tell Jay was giving me a look. The look. I didn't bother to acknowledge it.
"Man, was there a reason you made me come down here?"
Jay smirked and shrugged his shoulders. "Of course. I was just getting to that."
"Well, get to it already."
He laughed and tossed his empty bottle on the ground. "So, I got a tip."
"A tip?"
"There's a new electronics store that just opened up on Church. It's run by some foreigns. Obviously, they don't know how to use an alarm. So, we're heading there this weekend. You in?"
I licked my lips and stared at my bottle. Was I in? I mean, am I really up for this? It's been awhile.
"Come on. You're my right hand man! Nobody else knows what they're doing..."
I looked up and shook my head. "I don't know, man. Do you know what would happen if I got caught?"
"Don't even think about it. We're not getting caught. It's an easy job. Dude, they're from like India or some shithole like that."
"Nice, Jay. Real nice," I sneered.
"Hey, it's not my fault they lived there. So, you in? Come on. It's gonna be huge. I'm talking thousands of dollars here."
"Yeah, and a lot of trouble..."
"Man, the guys already said they'd take it off of our hands immediately. They just need us to get in there and get it out. They'll pay up-front!"
He was making it sound so easy. It's never that easy. Somebody always ends up getting hurt. First, it was Mr. Simpson. And then Ellie. Who now? And what if I got caught? There's no way I'll be calling Ellie again. I couldn't ask her to bail me out again. Not like before.
I released my breath and shook my head. "Man, I just don't know. I have to think about it."
"Whatever, dude. Just don't pussy out on me. I'm going to go find Alex. Bye."
Jay walked away, shaking his head in disappointment. He already thinks I'm going to say no. Maybe he's right. Maybe my mind's already made up. Still... it's something to think about. I could do a lot with that kind of money.
I stood up and stuffed my hands in my pockets. Maybe I need to talk about this with someone. My head spun a little as I started walking away from the ravine. I climbed the hill until I reached the road and continued on. I weighed the options I head in my head. I could go with Jay, break into the store, keep my reputation, earn respect from my friends, and make a quick dollar. I could probably afford to find a cheap car and fix it up. My eyes lit up at the idea. Hell, maybe I could even get a motorcycle.
But what happens if it doesn't go the way Jay says it will? I could lose my student welfare. I could go to jail. That's not something I can afford. But if I don't do it then I'm a pussy. And I don't think I could look myself in the face knowing that I had bailed out on my friends in the greatest scheme ever.
I reached for my cell phone and started to punch in her number. On second thought...
I veered to my left and decided to just visit her. Its not like I've seen her lately. And she didn't sound too good on the phone last night. It took me thirty-five minutes to walk to her house. Thirty-five fucking minutes. I stumbled up her driveway as I started to feel the beers I had before. I could practically smell the alcohol reeking off of me. Wow, she'd be impressed.
"Sean?"
I shook my head and tried to focus on the shadow in front of me. "What?" I answered annoyed.
"What are you doing here? Have you been drinking? You smell."
I brushed Marco's hand off of me and stepped past him. "I'm here to see Ellie," I muttered.
He pressed a palm against my chest and pushed me back. "Yeah, well... me too. Listen, she's not in the mood for visitors. I'm just bringing her dinner. Did you call her?"
"No."
"Well..." Marco looked back in forth between the house and me.
I gave up. "Fine. It's fine. You go. I'll see her tomorrow. Don't tell her I was here."
I don't know why I gave up. I guess I didn't feel like fighting with Marco over who would go in and who would leave. Anyway, he's her best friend. And she's clearly not up to being my friend these days.
I took one last look at the house before I left. More particularly, I looked up to Ellie's window. The curtain moved swiftly and her shadow moved behind it. So she saw me. Oh well. I pulled my cell phone back out and dialed Jay's number.
"Yeah?"
"I'm in."
"What?"
"The plan? I'm in."
Marco
I didn't bother knocking or ringing the doorbell. I just barged right in, making sure not to make too much noise. I know better than to annoy Ellie's mom.
I laughed inwardly. Or Ellie, for that matter.
"So you think you can just walk right in here?" She took her time coming down the stairs, a frown on her face.
"Yep," I answered heading towards the kitchen. "I brought you dinner."
She followed me. "I'm not hungry."
"Whatever." I tossed the container on the kitchen table and folded my arms across my chest. "Where's your mom?"
"Sleeping."
I nodded and looked around. The place looked fine. The living room was clean. The kitchen was spotless. It looked like the house of someone who had it all together. Someone who had all the answers. That's Ellie for you.
"I'm really tired, Marco. I think I'm getting sick, too, so..."
"I get it. I'll leave. Just- just if there's anything- anything- you need to talk about, you know you can count on me, right?" I gripped her arms and tried to read her mind. Her eyes looked back at me blankly. She blinked slowly and a smile spread across her face.
"I know, Marco. That's why you're my best friend."
"Yeah, well, I'm feeling pretty worthless as your best friend."
She gave me a confused look.
"I tell you all my problems, and you always have to fix them. I'm always the one with problems. Why can't you be the one with the problems, just once? Why won't you let me help you?"
She laughed and gave me a big hug. "Because I don't have any problems, Marco."
I pressed my cheek against hers and held her tighter. I didn't believe that for a second. I sighed and let her go. "Tomorrow?"
She nodded, "Tomorrow."
I watched from the doorway as she went on with her business, thinking I had left. She leaned over the kitchen table for a moment, regaining her thoughts. I looked away sadly as she threw away the container of food I had brought her and walked out of the kitchen without even so much as noticing me.
Maybe it's just a fluke. Maybe she'll be fine in a few days. Maybe it really is just her mom being sick.
And maybe I'm just fooling myself almost as much as she's fooling herself.
Ellie
I leaned against the doorframe to my mom's bedroom and watched her for a second as she slept. As soon as I was convinced that she was okay, I shut the door quietly and retreated back to my room. There's nothing like a good depressing visit from your best friend to remind you that not only are you hurting yourself but everybody that matters to you. I rolled my sleeve up and ran my fingers over the two cuts I had made. I guess I never really did matter to myself.
My stomach made a noise, and I let out a groan of frustration. "Shut up," I ordered it through clenched teeth.
I wonder what Sean wanted. And why did he leave? I thought about calling him, but...
Instead, I turned on my music softly and settled down with my genetics homework. I could barely concentrate hard enough to read the chapter, though. I kept thinking about the look on Marco's face and the reason Sean came over and how my dad hadn't even tried to call this evening. I knew he'd forget about us.
I shut my textbook and leaned my head against the edge of my desk. It's no use. I can't even make sense of the words. I pressed the palms of my hands into my eyes and willed myself to stop thinking about how shitty things are going. Don't even think about it. Don't even start crying, Nash. Suck it up.
I let out a shaky breath and stood up slowly, making my way towards my bathroom. I turned the light on and shut the door behind me carefully without making a sound- not that my mom would be up and checking on me or anything...
"Ugh," I choked out as I leaned over the toilet, dry heaving. Come on... Come on... Come on. Come on. Tears stung the corner of my eyes, and I grabbed my toothbrush from my sink. If I couldn't do it by myself, I'd just have to force it. I rammed the toothbrush down my throat, instantly gagging and releasing the little food and water I had that day. Afterwards, I collapsed against the edge of the bathtub and just lay there, completely exhausted and void of any real emotion. I guess you could say I was empty.
Woohoo, finally finished with chapter.
Next chapter is probably going to take over the course of a week or two... Ellie will be spiraling even more out of control (is this sounding too much like Emma? i swear i'm not getting this from OLAS...) and Marco will finally confront her. Sean and Jay will perform their task, and Sean's going to see who his true friends are. Also, I think Ellie will finally talk to her dad.
Hopefully I'll get another chapter up by this weekend. I think I'm pretty good on homework thsi week so I should have time to work on it. But don't quote me on that:)
Thanks for being such lovely reviewers!
