Previously...

Thane finally awakens. He watches video messages from Shepard, seeing the toll the war has taken on his siha, and vows to find a way to return to her side.

.


The Normandy stayed over Horizon. Even though Shepard desperately wanted to put this cursed planet behind her, Retribution, Legion, and EDI wanted to stay to investigate the Reaper technology and communication standards that had been used on the refugees. As EDI reminded her, they would get only one chance to deploy the weapon against the Reapers, and they couldn't afford to throw away any opportunity to ensure that it would be completely effective.

There was no way she was setting foot on that planet ever again, so Miranda was leading the science team. Jacob, Tali, Legion, and Retribution had gone down with her.

It was nearly dinnertime, and she was trying, and failing, to follow up on some notes from the war efforts on Earth, but she couldn't keep her mind from replaying the horrors on Horizon yesterday. When her door chimed with a visitor request, she answered it gratefully.

Jacob stepped through the doors, but he refused to meet her eyes. "Admiral," he said, holding himself stiffly at attention, even though he was dressed in civvies. He looked supremely uncomfortable.

"You can drop the formality, Jacob," she told him as she stood to greet him.

He pressed his lips together briefly and shook his head. "I don't have anything else left, Admiral. Here," he said as he abruptly thrust his hand out toward her. He opened his hand, and she saw his Cerberus insignia glinting against his skin.

"What's this?" she asked in confusion.

He lifted his hand toward her, urging her to take it. Only after she did so, would he answer. He tucked both hands behind his back as he fell into a parade rest. "I'm officially resigning from Cerberus. After what I saw on Horizon..." He paused to clear his throat. "That's not what I signed on for, Admiral. I signed up with them to help humanity. What they did down there..."

She curled her fingers around his insignia, and with her other hand, she clasped his shoulder. "You did help humanity, Jacob. You were an integral part of our team. Without everyone's help, we wouldn't have made it through. Certainly not without losses."

"I'm proud to have been a part of that, Admiral. Shepard," he amended and relaxed slightly. "At least I'll have that. It's a good feeling when the future's so uncertain."

"Hey, I can always try to get you reinstated with the Alliance if you want."

He shook his head. "Thanks, but I'll pass. Even if the opportunity came up, I can't see myself taking it. I had good reasons for leaving the Alliance, and they haven't changed."

"I can't promise much, Jacob, but I can promise that you'll always have a place with me. No matter what happens."

"Thanks, Shepard. You don't know how much that means to me."

She gestured toward the seating area. "Did you want to chat about anything?"

He shook his head again and took a step backward. "Thanks, but I got other plans. I just had to give that to you. And Admiral, I'm sorry, but I don't think I can go back to Horizon again."

She saw the same haunted look in his eyes that she had seen in her mirror this morning. It was hard on all of them, and she nodded her understanding. "Of course, Jacob."

Grunt took Jacob's place, and Miranda's science team kept investigating. Two days, four, then five passed. Retribution said they were nearing a breakthrough, and all Shepard could do was give them time to work. She had spent the intervening days working on something just as important: dealing with the emotional consequences of her decision on Horizon. She had allowed herself one night to fall to pieces after it happened, and she occasionally regretted the drunken video mail she'd sent to Thane, but since thinking about it also brought to mind the highly uncertain status of her lover, she tried her best not to think about it. Instead, she threw herself into her work and the equally hard, if nebulous, job of processing her emotions. Deep down, as much as she hated staying near Horizon, she was grateful for the momentary break it gave her to calm down. She'd also been in touch with Rina, and although the blonde would never admit it to anyone else, she'd been as grateful as Shepard to have someone to discuss the shitty aftereffects of spectacular failure, even if it was in the cause of something good.

Still, there were still long periods where she needed a way to distract herself. With little else to do, she was working off her frustration and guilt in the gym, hoping to tire herself out enough to get some real sleep for a change. So far, she'd tried boxing with the sandbag, Thane's takats, and boot camp calisthenics, but she couldn't focus on anything. She'd finally settled for the mindless monotony of running on the treadmill with the music blaring full volume. Her ears hurt, her feet were numb, her legs were burning, and she loved it.

She closed her eyes and concentrated on running straight, using her other senses to stay on the belt. The sense of danger if she strayed, of being thrown ass over teakettle if she made a misstep, sharpened her focus and finally pushed the disturbing images that had been plaguing her from her mind.

She fell into that timeless sense of peace, and for a blessed moment, all was quiet. Of course, it couldn't last, and she became aware of another presence. She tried to ignore it, but her concentration was broken. Her right foot came down too far to the side and caught on the stationary portion of the treadmill, tripping her up. Her eyes flew open and she grabbed the handles just in time to keep from falling flat on her face. Panting both from exertion as well as her near-fall, she stopped the treadmill and looked up to see James standing nearby with arms crossed over his chest, just staring at her.

"What?" she asked, trying and failing to keep the annoyance out of her voice. She immediately chided herself. James didn't deserve to bear the brunt of her foul mood.

"I want to know how you do it," he said without preamble.

"Do what?" she asked as she stepped off the treadmill and grabbed a towel.

"Put it out of your mind. Horizon," he clarified.

She grimaced as she scrubbed the sweat from her face and gestured for him to join her at one of the workstations to the side. "I haven't," she admitted bluntly. "And I never will, completely. But you learn to cope. There's all the psych stuff they tell you in college and training. But the fact of it is that none of it will work until you believe it. I've seen some strong people wash out for what seems the most minor stuff. I've watched a couple N7s just lose it from stuff they've seen or done. You want to know how I cope?" she asked.

He nodded, still watching her intently. She knew he was thinking of Fehl Prime as well as Horizon. She dropped the towel into her lap and looked back levelly. "I find someone to live for." When he drew his brow together in confusion, she continued. "You can't do this just to be a badass, James. Or for notoriety or advancement. None of that will keep you going when things go to hell. Your brain will always give out long before your body ever will, no matter how bad the pain is. It's a matter of finding someone to rescue, someone to fight for, and knowing deep in your heart that you will give absolutely everything you have, down to your last breath, to keep that person safe."

Her hands clenched around the towel as she keenly missed Thane. She had sworn to keep him safe, and instead, he was missing somewhere in the muddy, hidden depths of Sur'Kesh.

James looked away, up at the ceiling and over at the wall. Anywhere but her. "Yeah, but what happens when you fail? When you let that person die?"

She closed her eyes and wondered if he was reading her thoughts. "You're not perfect, James. Neither am I. No one is. You're gonna make mistakes. You're gonna let someone down, and sometimes it will be your fault. You have to accept that there are no right or wrong decisions, only choices made in the moment. You make the best choice you have, and deal with the consequences. Sometimes it means people die."

Don't be dead, Thane. That was the mantra that she couldn't get out of her head lately. But James was talking about Horizon. Images of civilians falling to the ground on Horizon rose up to haunt her, and she twisted the towel in her hands. Then she took a deep breath and purposefully relaxed. "You want to know how I get through it? Why some people make it and others crack?"

He nodded.

"You have to forgive yourself and move on. You can't hold on to the guilt." How many times had she told herself that?

He made a disparaging noise and shifted uncomfortably in his seat, making her grin wryly at him.

"Don't believe me?"

"It's easy to say the words. I've heard them, too. But how do you do it?"

"I didn't say it was easy!" She leaned back in her chair. "I told you I'm not perfect, James. I have nightmares. Horrible ones. There are nights I drink to go to sleep. There are mental scars just as deep as physical ones, but you can't let that stop you. You have to learn to accept what you did and forgive yourself, because someone still needs your help, and you can't help them if you're caught up wallowing in your guilt all the time."

Thane might be dead. She shied away from that thought, even though it became more real every passing day. But even if he was, there were still people who needed her help, like her brother, who turned passion into art. She thought of him in one of the harvester lines and vowed she would do anything to keep that from happening.

"Seriously? That's your answer?"

She nodded in the face of his skepticism. "Dead serious. When you live for someone else, when your only purpose is to save someone, you can let go of the things that hold you back, including guilt. Some people I know turn to religion. They let a higher power absolve them of their guilt. If it works for you, use it."

"Callous, Lola,"

She shrugged. "Our job is to save people, James. You can save one person and feel good about it. If you want to save billions, you have to accept that you can't save them all, and sometimes, you have to do things that will cause others to suffer or die. It's great to be called a hero. What about Endo? Could you manage to keep going if people called you Butcher for actions that saved thousands, even though you killed hundreds to do so? That's the truth of what we do, James. If you can't learn to forgive yourself and live for others, you won't make it."

He made a face as he considered it. "I don't know, Lola. Sounds an awful lot like what this Illusive Man has been saying. Sacrifice some to save the whole."

Fair enough comparison, she thought. "I suppose it comes down to what goal we're fighting for. I'm fighting for everyone to have choices, not just humanity. I want a fair galactic society, and as much as I complain and bitch about the dalatrass or other Councilors, I'd take them a million times over a deluded god figure like the Illusive Man." She heaved herself to her feet, groaning softly at muscles gone cold and stiff. "Think about it James. Be honest with yourself. And remember, it's not easy. Nothing worth having ever is."

Later that evening, she decided she needed to follow her own advice and seek out company instead of moping in her cabin or drowning in drink. She headed for the port lounge and Kasumi, but the door was closed - unusual for so early in the evening. Kasumi usually kept the door open and a steady stream of people wandered in and out. Shepard stopped outside the door and listened carefully. She heard Kasumi's musical laugh followed by indistinct words in a low voice. Whatever was said made her laugh again, and Shepard smiled unconsciously at the happy sound. She tilted her head to the side and closed her eyes to listen better to the male voice. Jacob. She opened her eyes and stepped back, smiling fondly at the closed door and the pair beyond it. She was happy for them. It had taken Kasumi quite some time, but apparently, she had finally managed to steal Jacob's affections.

She turned around to head to the mess when another unusual sound caught her attention. She narrowed her eyes and glared suspiciously at the door to Life Support. Knowing she was snooping, she took a step closer anyway. Vocals, both high and low pitched, carried clearly through the metal door and left no doubt as to what was occurring in Life Support. A multitude of emotions flashed through her. She was embarrassed to be eavesdropping, worried about what Thane would think, as well as happy for the young couple. She also realized suddenly just what could have been heard in this corridor when Thane was on board the Normandy, and her cheeks flushed hotly.

"EDI," she asked softly, "has Hama actually spent any time in her assigned quarters?"

EDI's responses were growing more and more nuanced ever since her AI shackles had been removed. Now she sounded amused. "Hama spent approximately two hours in her quarters the first night and has spent every subsequent night in Life Support."

Shepard just laughed and shook her head as she headed into the mess. At least she could say she tried to separate them, but she didn't have it in her heart to force the issue. "EDI, see if you can requisition a bigger bed for Life Support when we reach port, would you?" She remembered all too well how narrow that cot was.

She saw James playing cards in the mess with Tali, Garrus and a few other crew, and dragged a chair over. The other players scooted around to make room for her. "Deal me in," she told him, ignoring the groans of the other crew. After an hour, everyone was broke except for her, James, and Garrus, and James wasn't doing so well.

Shepard won another hand, and Garrus laughed good naturedly as he tossed his cards down. James swore without heat. "Damn, I was sure I had that round."

Shepard grinned broadly as she swept up their credits. "Misdirection is just as important as concealment. You thought exactly what I wanted you to." Shepard was still laughing when EDI broke in. "Shepard, we have it!" It was the most emotion she'd ever heard from the AI.

She paused in dealing out the next hand. "Have what, EDI?" she asked cautiously.

"We've compiled the Reaper language. We have a working translation of sufficient complexity to transmit the weapon." They all stared at each other for a moment, not quite daring to hope that they had heard correctly.

"That means..." She only realized she was standing when she belatedly heard the sound of her chair crashing to the ground.

"Yes, Shepard," EDI said, and she would swear the AI sounded delighted. "We can take the war to the Reapers."

"Hot damn!" James crowed as he pounded her on the shoulder. "'Bout time!" Garrus swept Tali up in a triumphant hug.

Joker broke in, and she could almost see the shit-eating grin on his face even though he was speaking over the comm. "Admiral, permission to set course to the Citadel?"

"Fast as you can get us there, Joker," she confirmed, still grinning like a fool at everyone. "EDI, have the research team meet me in the conference room."

The mood throughout the ship was jubilant compared to the last few days. "Miranda, have you figured out if there actually is a communication terminal in the Citadel?" It was one of the theories they'd had, since Sovereign had targeted the Citadel when it first appeared years ago.

"We're ninety five percent sure, Shepard, but we'll have to go to the Citadel to do specific scans."

Retribution broke into the conversation. "I am confident that I can broadcast low power signals that will hone in on the location of any communication terminals. The downside is that it will have to be short range, a few hundred meters at most."

Shepard stared at the Citadel schematic that EDI projected over the conference table. "It makes most sense for any communication terminal to be located in the docking ring or Presidium. We'll start there."

Finally! she exulted in the privacy of her own thoughts. Something major was going their way!


"Shepard, you need to get up here!" Joker's voice jerked her awake from her nap, and she sat up with pistol in hand before she realized the threat wasn't actually in her bedroom with her.

"What's wrong?"

"Something's wrong with Citadel docking control. They're not answering. All frequencies are either dead or jammed, and there's approximately a metric fuck-ton of confused ships hanging around the docking ring."

She jammed her feet into her boots and was in the lift before he had even finished speaking. By the time she reached the cockpit, he had more news. Unfortunately, it was bad. "We're close enough to pick up some local station frequencies. According to C-sec, there's some sort of coup underway."

"Coup?" She leaned over his chair to stare at the readouts.

"Cerberus," he clarified.

"Fucking hell," she breathed as she stared at him in disbelief. "Seriously?"

Joker shoved his hat back on his head and scratched at his scalp. "Doesn't make sense to me, either. What do they want?"

"Control," she muttered as her mind kicked into overdrive. It was far too much of a coincidence that Cerberus was making an armed takeover of the Citadel now. The Illusive Man was pushing to solidify his position. He knew that she was in possession of a weapon that could destroy the Reapers and for some insane reason he was moving to prevent her from using it. On the other hand, it also confirmed her suspicions that the communication terminal they were seeking was on the Citadel. "Joker, get us to the Citadel. I don't care how you do it, but I want boots on the ground in thirty minutes."

She saw the scowl on his face as she turned around and stomped down the gangway. "All specialists in the conference room in ten minutes," she ordered. "We're going to war."


The conference room table was littered with weapons, grenades and heat sinks. "We'll be dividing into two teams," she told them. "Garrus will lead the second fire team. Your job is long range reconnaissance. Use the frequency Retribution gave you and scout across the Presidium. Move fast and don't get pinned down." She assigned all of her tech specialists to him. "Tali, Hama, Kasumi, and Jacob, you're with Garrus. We need to find out where that communication terminal is."

She looked out over the rest of her team - James, Grunt, Legion, Kolyat, and Miranda, all to guard Retribution. "The rest of us are headed to the Council chambers, on the assumption that that's the most logical location for the transmitter. We'll spiral out from them. Protecting Retribution is our highest priority. EDI says that Cerberus came in hard and took out C-sec operations first. Expect heavy resistance as you move. Any C-sec support is likely to be light and uncoordinated."

The ship jostled unexpectedly and the sound of metal grinding on metal shrieked through the ship. Joker spoke over the comm. "Sorry 'bout that, Admiral. With docking control out of order, we kinda had to make our own space. You might want to invoke that Spectre status later to avoid a fine that'd probably be big enough to buy a small colony," he added quickly.

She merely grunted, not concerned in the least with docking regulations as she led her team to the airlock. Then again, she thought as she looked down at the eight plus meter drop to the gangway below, those regulations did exist for reason. "Did you have to dock on top of a cargo ship, Joker?"

"All the slots were full, Shepard. You told me by any means necessary," he reminded her.

She jumped down to the gangway, tucking and rolling back up to her feet effortlessly. The rest of her team made the jump with varying degrees of skill and trepidation. She watched Kolyat lower Hama down so Grunt could catch her. Garrus did the same for Tali.

As soon as they stepped through the decon chamber, the situation degenerated into chaos. Refugees were screaming and looking for cover as C-sec and Cerberus troops exchanged gunfire. She and Grunt led the charge up the ramp, taking out as many Cerberus troops as possible before they could realize they were under attack from a second front. The rest of her team caught up and the firefight surged into a mass of armor clashing and omni blades flashing.

Soon, the Cerberus troops were down, and she looked back at Garrus. He nodded once and took off down another hallway to begin their search. The last she saw of them was Tali's drone hovering near the ceiling before it dropped down and took off after them. Looking around, she caught Kolyat staring after them as well. She understood how he felt, but he needed to learn to deal with it on his own.

"Alright, let's move out." Her first stop was C-sec headquarters. It took far longer than she anticipated. EDI had been right about the heavy resistance. Cerberus must have landed every trooper they had, and it was quickly clear that each of them had been modified with Reaper tech. It made them significantly tougher to take down, but it also seemed to interfere with their cognition and self-preservation instincts. Rather than seeking cover, they would tend to stay out and soak up far more damage than seemed possible before falling.

C-sec HQ was just ahead, and she spotted an officer pinned down by the door. She sent Miranda and Kolyat off to the side while the rest of them drew the Cerberus attention away from the C-sec officer. Quickly enough, they fell to Miranda's and Kolyat's sneak attacks behind them.

"Bailey!" She ran up the steps as soon as she recognized the tow-headed chief of C-sec. "You're hurt," she said as she kneeled by his side. Hurt was an understatement. He had multiple gunshot wounds to his torso and limbs. His weapon lay discarded at his side.

"You noticed," he groaned sarcastically.

She ripped open a medigel pack and pressed it up against the worst bullet wound in his side, then laid his hand on it to hold it in place. "What happened?"

"Well-coordinated," he panted as he closed his eyes and rested his head against the wall. "Hit here...other C-sec offices...transit stops." He had to catch his breath, and Shepard worried when she saw the dark red blood seeping underneath his fingers. "Tried to get...to the Council."

Miranda shoved her to the side to look at Bailey's injury. Lips moving silently, she sorted through the contents of her belt pack until she found the vial she was looking for and injected it into the Chief's arm.

Bailey opened his eyes and saw Kolyat standing behind Shepard. "Hey kid, lookit you. Shoulda known you'd get drawn...into...thick of things." He coughed and a thin stream of blood spilled down his chin.

"Bailey, do you know where Cerberus is headed? What are they looking for?" Shepard held her breath, hoping he had an answer for her.

He shook his head slowly. "Just doin' ...damn...paperwork and blam. Alarms. Gunfire. Hard just stayin'...'live." His breathing was slowing down, and he closed his eyes again. Shepard looked at Miranda in alarm. Miranda looked back and shook her head.

"Up," he said suddenly. "Heard 'em say...hold the lifts...so they could go up."

There was nothing to be done, but no matter how many times Shepard had seen it before, it was never easy to watch a companion leave this life. She stripped off her gauntlet and held Bailey's hand tight. His fingers were cold against hers. "The medics will be here soon, Bailey," she lied soothingly. "We'll get you to the hospital. Patch you up. Be good as new and back listening to the Council complain in no time."

He snorted out an exasperated breath that might have been a laugh if he'd had more energy. "Rather...take...vacation..."

She smiled and squeezed his hand. "Fishing, right?" He nodded fractionally. "Bet it's beautiful there. Big blue sky, cold running river? Lots of fish to catch. So many stars overhead at night." The corners of his lips turned up as he listened to her. "Just you and the river and the sky. Quiet. No problems. No worries. Peaceful. Sounds wonderful. You'll be there soon, Bailey. Nothing's gonna get in your way." She kept talking, making up a story about a place she'd never seen, might never see if the Reapers won. It didn't take long. A few more struggling breaths, and then he was still. She let his hand go and stood. "Good bye, Bailey. Hope you catch lots of fish. Let's go," she said, and her voice promised murder to those responsible for the death of her friend.

Up. Bailey had given them information with his dying breath, and she made sure the Cerberus troops in their way paid in kind. Garrus' team was also heading up on the far side of the Presidium.

They were several levels above the plush and open levels of galactic diplomacy. The increasing amount of Cerberus troops convinced her that she was on the right track, but it had been a grueling firefight. Her tech armor was barely functional anymore, flaring out harmlessly after absorbing only a fraction of the damage it was designed to take. Miranda was moving with a limp and in the right light, she could see fresh blood staining her black catsuit. Kolyat had retreated into a mental space that allowed combat and nothing else. But Garrus sent her structural scans from his team that showed they were nearing a large chamber just two more levels above them.

"Almost there," she reassured them. "You're doing well," he said to Kolyat, and was relieved when he blinked slowly and nodded to her. "We'll coordinate with Garrus' team. They've found an entrance on the opposite side. It won't be easy," she said to them. "Cerberus is aware that we're coming, but when we do, we'll bring hell down on their heads."

She slotted a fresh heat sink into her weapon and glanced at her team. Each of them stood tall and confident, and her heart swelled with pride. "Ready?"

Cerberus had placed shock troops in strategic locations in the next two levels. There was no subtle way through, no place for subterfuge or misdirection in the utilitarian stairwells. It was brutal carnage where the outcome depended on who could take the most damage before falling. She left Kolyat and Miranda behind to guard Retribution while she, Grunt, James, and Legion moved into the thick of battle. Her tech armor was completely useless, and at one point, she saw that James' helmet visor was badly starred from bullet impacts, but removing it would have been suicide in the narrow confines. Even Grunt was slowing with the amount of damage he'd been forced to soak up.

When they finally cleared the last choke point, she stopped for a moment to give everyone a breather and try to repair armor for the last push. Garrus had fortunately found a Keeper tunnel into the chamber. Cerberus had only lined the tunnel with sensors, which his team had easily bypassed. Tali's drone showed a mass of Cerberus troops waiting for Shepard's team behind the door.

Garrus' team created a distraction on the far side of the chamber. Shepard waited until scans showed that at least a third had gone to deal with it before she nodded to Kolyat to blow the door inward. Her team boiled inward in a destructive melee of explosions and gunfire.

When the swirl of fighting swept to the side and allowed her a second to glance around, she took in the battlefield at a glance. Most of the shock troops near her team were down, but she couldn't spot Miranda or Kolyat. Garrus' team was causing a similar ruckus on the far side of the chamber about thirty meters away. The chamber itself was ringed with Keeper tunnels, and above that the room was encircled with windows that looked out into the nebula and cast soft bluish light over the firefight still raging violently all around.

A knot of dark-clad figures clustered at the far end of the chamber caught her attention. She looked closer and snarled as she recognized Cerberus' top assassin standing confidently at the front, arms crossed and waiting for her. She didn't have to see what they were guarding to know it was the transmitter. Leng would have been assigned to guard the very thing they were seeking. A fresh surge of adrenaline filled her as she gathered her team and started making the final push for the transmitter. This time, when she and Leng met, there would be no holding back, and only one of them would survive the encounter.


Many thanks to Orchidellia, my wonderful beta reader.

Yes, a cliff hanger! Don't shoot me! This was originally one very long chapter, around 10,000 words, so I was persuaded to break it into two.

Also, thank you a dozen times over to everyone who's left reviews of late, especially those who discuss aspects of the chapter, whether character development or anything else. I do try to respond to every one. And it gives me the impetus to keep writing, especially as I can see the end in sight.