Downward Spiral
Disclaimer: Don't own Victorious
A/N: My attempt at some first person, as Trina now narrates her own past.
Chapter 54 (The Last Man)
I'd been working for Judge Baker for a while, it was late 2029 when it happened that the awkward silence between the doctor and myself finally ended. To be sure, we'd seen each other quite few times since I started working, which I was more surprised by than much else. Even still, I hadn't opted to talk to him, rather than focus on my work.
"So, you know my brother?" Jason asked one day while stopping at my desk. I raised my eyebrow and looked up at him slowly. He was holding a folder in his hands and wore a brown suit, indicative of getting ready to testify in court.
I found him strangely attractive, even now with Jesse's death still fresh. I was moving on from Jesse, mind you, but I hadn't given serious thought about attractions to somebody since his passing. Jason was one I'd always been attracted to, however, but I've always done my best to avoid dealing with him if I could. For the last year, this task proved near impossible. Perhaps I made it obvious that I wanted little to do with him, but I needed to at least be civilized.
"Possibly."
"Beck Oliver. He says he knows you." Jason ran his hand over the back of his neck and looked towards the window. The sunlight spilled across his face and broadened shoulders, highlighting them in my eyes. I pulled my gaze away for fear of letting any attraction whatsoever show.
The physical attraction was clear, but it was more than that. This was the man that raised up the child I gave away. I knew from Beck that he'd done a tremendous job, and I was impressed. There was still the old fear I had that he would think I'd take Rachel from him, but this wasn't my intention at all. It never had been and never would be.
"I do know him. We're friends, but our friendship's a strange one." Jason looked confused, but I didn't expect him to understand what this meant. "We knew each other when he was friends with my sister."
"Let me guess. Tori Vega?"
I did a double take, stunned that Jason knew about her. "He talked about her?"
"Yeah. Hell, I met her a long time ago." I squinted, unsure what he meant by this. After a few seconds it dawned on me that Jason was the one everyone met briefly at some party Mr. Sikowitz threw for the group. "The redhead dragged me off, if I remember." He smiled and looked up, chuckling at the memory. "God that was a long time ago. My brother was there, but obviously we didn't talk."
"Right. Well, Beck and I didn't become friendly until much later." I didn't like to talk much about my past, since I figured I'd moved on from it. Either way, it was interesting to know Beck mentioned her. "So, he's talked about me to you?"
"Not much." Jason crossed his arms and raised his shoulders. "Only that I should talk to you. Not sure why." I wasn't sure how to respond to the statement, other than to nod and continue to smile. It wasn't that I wasn't interested, but I needed to avoid certain issues that could arise. "Anyhow, I'll see you around I suppose. I need to get moving."
"Okay, you have a wonderful day."
As time went on his interest in me seemed only to grow, as did my own. He was intriguing, and the more he talked to me, the more I wanted to talk to him. It got to the point that I was just happy to see this man walk through the doors.
We didn't share so many things about our life, but there were a couple of times we talked about Rachel. I never told him I was her mother, but a part of me couldn't help to wonder if there was some part of him that knew. Ever since the day at the store several years ago, he would have had to suspect.
It was amazing to me as well that this man had never been married. Sure he dated here and there, but Jason's priority had always been taking care of Rachel and focusing on their lives. He told me once how he'd never been interested in going out with anyone, that nobody caught his eye-or the ones that did were usually taken or otherwise unavailable. He left ambiguous how many of these people he'd come across.
Our meetings tended to be brief, and it wasn't as though he was always there. We never got too deep in our conversations, and never thought of talking outside of work. It was easy for me to do things this way, because there were no strings attached.
One day he came to me, nervous and shifty, as though he didn't want anyone else around. "Nervous about a trial?" I shut my laptop so I could pay more attention to him, smiled gently and folded my hands on the top.
"Not entirely." He cleared his throat and breathed in slow. "I actually wanted to ask you something." My eyebrows rose up and I leaned forward, growing more and more eager by the moment. "Would you like to grab coffee sometime?" My heart stopped and I froze, staring into his eyes with the most stunned expression that I could form.
"Coffee? You mean…" I tilted my head and started to stand from my chair. "How do you mean?" It was clear what he intended, but I was in such a state of shock that it wasn't registering properly what he wanted. I couldn't go out with this man, it was simply unheard of. "A date?" Jason closed his eyes and smiled back.
"I guess so. My daughter has been going on and on for years about how I need to go out with someone, and even Beck has put in his suggestions." Jason ran his hand along his neck and looked off to the right for a split second before glancing back at me. "I've always found our talks to be great, but we always have little time to talk."
"I…" My heart was beating so fast I felt like it was about to take off. A part of me had always wanted this, even before I ever met Jesse, and even in the last few years. "I don't know what to say." I kept telling myself that it couldn't be, that it was simply impossible. Once he knew who I was, I'd run him off. "But I'm not so sure you'd want to have coffee with me, Jason."
He frowned, his eyebrows moved together and his hands lowered to his sides. "Why?"
"Because of who I am." I walked around my desk, stepping directly in front of him, then leaned against the edge of the desk. "Because of what I haven't told you-what I swore Beck into silence for years ago. You wouldn't want to be with me, you'd be afraid I had the wrong intention."
He let out a chuckle and closed his eyes. Confidence surrounded him like an aura, leaving me with a great deal of surprise. "Why not just tell me, and let me be the judge of that."
My hand slid along the desk surface and the lower left corner of my lip tucked underneath my teeth. "Okay." As I bowed my head, I tried to contemplate how I could tell him the truth. We'd become friends over the years, but this was different. If we went out, he needed the truth, and that truth could very well cause him to turn away. "Then let me start…"
I lifted my head, gazing into his eyes. I took a deep breath and tried to speak calmly and with as much honesty as I could. "I want you to know, I never asked Beck to put me in a job that would result in us meeting rather routinely. I never once intended to invade or interrupt your life. I don't want you to think this is anything but just something natural, something happening based off coincidences in our lives that led us to intersect."
"I would, if I believed in coincidences." He smirked and leaned to the side a bit. "I think I know what you're going to say, and it changes nothing. You've caught my attention, and I would like to get to know you more."
"So would I." I exhaled and shut my eyes. I needed to say it, in the form of ripping away a bandage. "Jason, Rachel is my daughter." My eyes opened and I saw no change in his posture or demeanor, save for the rising of his eyebrows. He knew already from our prior talks that I had given up a child somewhere along the lines, but that was the extent of it. "Her birth father was an abuser, a druggie and a criminal. During those years, I didn't think there was a chance of me surviving, much less a small infant, so I did the only thing I could think of…I gave her up."
"I see." I kept quiet, not knowing what else there was I could say as I waited for him to respond. Jason didn't do much, so I watched as he walked over to a chair and took a seat. "That would explain how you knew who she was, and it would explain why Beck has always been so eager for me to meet you."
"Now you have." Jason curled a finger over his upper lip and stared down at the floor with slanted eyes. "What do you think?"
"I've always wanted to meet you, to talk to you." My jaw fell open and, despite my shock, I continued to wait for his clarification. His fingers slid down to his chin and he started to chuckle. "I'm impressed. You've come a long way from the person stumbling over in the store…"
I stifled a laugh and smirked, rolling my eyes as I moved forward and crossed my arms. "Even at that point, I went a long way. I'm a lot more, a lot different, than I was all those years ago." Evidence enough was the fact that I had zero trouble talking to him since I started working here. "Even now, there's still a small fear that was a great one back then."
Jason clasped his hands between his knees and his forehead crinkled like paper. "What's that?" I walked over to him, standing before him.
"I didn't want to talk to you because I was afraid you'd think I was trying to take Rachel." I wasn't done with my honesty. At my age, I knew it was better not to withhold anything. Some things were best left unsaid, or discovered later, but where Rachel was concerned everything needed to be said. "I've always been attracted to you. You as a person, you know."
He raised his head, looking up with surprise. "Really?"
"Yes. I would see you from time to time, watch how well you treated her. Even Beck would tell me what a great father you were." I dropped my arms and glanced to the painted portrait hanging on the wall, studying it as a brief distraction before looking back to him. My heartbeat was racing even now, without any sign of slowing. "The more I saw of you, the more I heard, the more I wanted to know. Then these last few years, it's been great talking to you."
"Same. You're a good person, Trina." My heart skipped and my smile grew further.
"Thank you." I sat in the chair beside him and looked off to the wall in front of us. "If you still want to, I would love to grab coffee with you." I felt a rush of nerves that I hadn't felt for quite some time, they were exciting but frightening "I just wanted to make sure you know what my intentions are. I don't want you to think I would take advantage, I don't want you to think that I'm trying to weasel my way into Rachel's life by dating you. None of that is me."
"I'm the one asking you for coffee. Keep that in mind." I chuckled and started to nod. His point was a good one, mostly because she could have taken advantage if she wanted to and asked him a long time ago. "I'm not stupid. I know there's an interest there, so I can tell it's more than just feigning interest to get close to your birth daughter." He sat upright and cleared his throat. "In truth, I've always kind of suspected."
"You have?"
"Ever since the store. I didn't want to say anything, though. I'm glad you're honest."
"Thank you." The excitement in me was like a rush of fire setting me ablaze. I couldn't wait to go out with this man, to know more about him and see what had to offer you. "You need to know, I have two daughters and I am a widow. You probably know that, actually. You were at the funeral…"
"Yeah."
"So, name a time and place. We can do more than coffee if you'd like."
He grinned. "Randall's Steakhouse, six o'clock."
"Sounds good to me."
That first date was much easier than I thought it would be, most of my fears were due to anxiety over going on a date so late in my life and so long after Jesse's death. Still, it was with a man that I could see a promising relationship beginning.
My girls accepted him quickly, though Megan took a little time to warm up to him. It was understandable. As for Rachel, I had yet to meet her. Most of this was my own fear of rejection. We tried several times to meet, but something always got in the way.
Even my daughters took it hard. They always wanted to meet her, to get to know her and let her know everything they could about how great and awesome their mother was.
It was easy to fall in love with him. He was a man that I felt I'd known for much of my life, and he was gentle. He was caring, strong, and considerate-respectful even.
I will never forget the talk he had with my daughters one day, where he sat them down with a photograph of their father and told them to never forget the man that raised them. He promised that he would never attempt to replace Jesse, never try to erase his memory, but that he wanted still to be there for them and treat them as a father figure ought to.
It was during that conversation that Megan finally started opening up to him. It was important to me that she see my dating another man wasn't my trying to replace her father, but living life and moving on.
As it turned out, all of the waiting and all of the stress paid off. I'm not sure the relationship would have ever begun without Beck putting me in that job, but I'm thankful to him either way. There is no doubt in my mind that Jason is the one for me.
Trina has grown remarkably as evidenceed here. What are your thoughts? Do tell
